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When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 5:36:53 AM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

My first Dom and I had a tumultuous time together. He introduced me to the whole master/slave concept and I was pretty internally enslaved (**grins**that is for JeffBC). We went back and forth for a while because he moved for work. Actually, I went back and forth because he states that he never released me. Recently, he moved back & keeps contacting me. That is NOT my issue..I know how to deal with it... My issue is that niggling feeling that I AM doing something wrong...

Anyone else ever have that guilt over breaking your original commitment? That feeling that..he is kind of right? I know a lot of it has to do with the fact he was my first & he did a phenomenal job of getting into my head, identifying & establishing my "buttons-he established a lot of my beliefs on what a slave is & knows just what to do and say to get his desired response.

At this point, I have stood up for myself..but honestly that is NOT my strong suit...so I don't know how long I can withstand.. I am a 'path of least resistance' person and usually can be persuaded to "see things the right way..". Sometimes I feel like a human Gumby that is being stretched 30 ways...trying to accommodate EVERYONE...

Post #: 1

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 5:42:35 AM

starlagurl

Posts: 26
Joined: 8/31/2010
Status: offline

Yes, I have left a lot of relationships like yours. When it's not right, it's not right. You know it in your heart.

If you have the feeling you want to get back together, you should. If you don't, don't. Nothing that he says can change your own instincts and feelings.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 2

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 7:16:09 AM

Spiritedsub2

Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline

Honestly, I don't think this is an M/s issue. Are you certain you no longer wish to be in the relationship with him? When I read your OP, it felt to me like maybe you still want to be with him. I suspect if you really are finished, then the answer will be clear to you. Maybe it's too early in the morning, but that Paul Simon song "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover" popped into my mind.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 3

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 7:39:17 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

Actually, I went back and forth because he states that he never released me. Recently, he moved back & keeps contacting me. That is NOT my issue..I know how to deal with it... My issue is that niggling feeling that I AM doing something wrong...

"Not releasing" is an artificial constraint.

Doing something wrong for leaving or staying?

Despite my realization that I should leave, my (now) ex talked me into staying for years. I finally did and now (a few years later) I am with the man of my dreams.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 4

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 11:20:33 AM

njlauren

Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline

What is the guilt about? Do you feel guilty because according to what 'a slave is' only a master can break it up? Do you feel guilty because you know it won't work with him, but you still feel like you want to be with him?

This isn't going to make me popular in some quarters, but an M/s is a mutual relationship and the purists can hem and haw all they want, but as such, both parties still retain ultimate power, they can leave (I realize there are slaves who thoroughly in their hearts feel once they commit, even if it goes south, they cannot leave and can only petition the M to let them go, and I respect that in their lives, but that is an individual choice).

I don't know the details, but it sounds like when he moved away it died for you and quite honestly, it sounds like he let it die, too. In marital law there is the concept of abandonment, that if someone disappears for a certain period of time a divorce will be summarily granted, and the person who disappeared can't come back in 10 years and claim you are still married..obviously, M/s is not a legal thing, but if he moved away and in effect let it die, never maintained it, then it is like abandonment, and he has no right to claim perpetuity because he didn't release you. Again looking at the law as an analogy, if someone owns a copyright or patent and doesn't defend it against people using it without paying royalties, they can't go back later and claim infringement (Xerox tried that with Apple Computer with the Mac OS interface, the mouse, hypertext, all which came from their research labs, they never defended their patents and 15 years later tried to sue, and lost).

I think the only way people can truly answer is for you to say what the guilt is about:)

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 5

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 1:42:50 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

My first Dom and I had a tumultuous time together. He introduced me to the whole master/slave concept and I was pretty internally enslaved (**grins**that is for JeffBC). We went back and forth for a while because he moved for work. Actually, I went back and forth because he states that he never released me. Recently, he moved back & keeps contacting me. That is NOT my issue..I know how to deal with it... My issue is that niggling feeling that I AM doing something wrong...

Anyone else ever have that guilt over breaking your original commitment? That feeling that..he is kind of right? I know a lot of it has to do with the fact he was my first & he did a phenomenal job of getting into my head, identifying & establishing my "buttons-he established a lot of my beliefs on what a slave is & knows just what to do and say to get his desired response.

At this point, I have stood up for myself..but honestly that is NOT my strong suit...so I don't know how long I can withstand.. I am a 'path of least resistance' person and usually can be persuaded to "see things the right way..". Sometimes I feel like a human Gumby that is being stretched 30 ways...trying to accommodate EVERYONE...

You are sending mixed signals within your post:

1) That is NOT my issue..I know how to deal with it...
2) I am a 'path of least resistance' person and usually can be persuaded to "see things the right way..".

It really doesn't sound like you know how to deal with it, if #2 is a factor.

Why did you end things?
What were the compelling reasons a the time?

re: Sometimes I feel like a human Gumby that is being stretched 30 ways...trying to accommodate EVERYONE...

Work on your boundaries.
In life, you can't be accommodating to everyone.
To try is crazy-making.

In this situation, what is the right course of action for you?
Don't consider your former (or any present) involvement(s) you may have.
What is the right course of action for you?

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 6

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 2:20:38 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

Actually I would guess this is less actual guilt and more just that slave mentality of wanting to please others.

But to answer you anyhow, nah, no need for guilt.What happened happened.He could have not moved. He could have found a way to take you with him,or do LDR for a period.
And aren't you exploring a new relationship now anyhow?Shouldn't you be hot and heavy in the new boy land state of mind...

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 7

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 2:34:52 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Have your lawyer send him a cease and desist letter stating that any further contact will be grounds for a restraining order.

You don't have to be the one to tell him to go to hell. In fact you shouldn't, because responding shows he's getting to you and will encourage him to step up the pressure.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 8

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 3:24:10 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I've never felt I did anything wrong in my past relationship to destroy it. Yes, there were things that happened that we both did that destroyed the relationship but I don't feel any guilt over it. After our breakup, about a year later we ran into each other but I felt nothing towards him. I was indifferent to him, still am. I just look at it as a bad relationship and moved on with life.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 9

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 3:33:29 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Have your current Dom contact him and order him to knock it off.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 10

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 3:57:31 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Have your current Dom contact him and order him to knock it off.

Noooooooooooo.
She's a big girl.
Let her put on her big gal panties and go do the dirty work.

No freaking way do I get involved between exe's. That shit's on them. I have enough wreckage self created in my life, I don't need to be taking hers on too.

Rescuing-yeah, a good way to get shot.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 11

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 5:02:36 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

Ok... I got some great advice from everyone here but I spent part of the day thrashing it out with one good friend who pretty much nailed it all down.

@Kana and DS-- Malcolm's answer was "tell him he blew it and I am not as stupid. If he doesn't get the message, tell him to call me...your possessive boyfriend who collects guns & did a HS science project on how to make a glass of water explode"... I had already done this except for the part about calling him...

No, Kana was actually pretty on target with the "slave mentality and wanting to please others" comment.. I am not torn by NOT being with him..I am torn by having to have to make anyone unhappy with me. Hey, if polygamy was legal, I would have ended up married at least 3x because I never wanted to break up a relationship or tick someone off! I suck at confrontation and standing up for myself..I am very easy to pushover and charge through. (Except at work where I am known as "hell on heels")

Like, I said thanks everyone...but the "Dom Dr Phil" pretty much made me see sense.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 12

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 5:08:39 PM

starlagurl

Posts: 26
Joined: 8/31/2010
Status: offline

So, what are you going to do?

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 13

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 5:08:45 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

O

quote:

ORIGINAL: njlauren

I think the only way people can truly answer is for you to say what the guilt is about:)

The guilt is about..being raised in a traditional immigrant Spanish family and 20 years of Catholic indoctrination that basically says... "You breathe ..therefore it is your fault that there is a hole in the ozone"!

(in reply to njlauren)

Post #: 14

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 5:13:19 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: starlagurl

So, what are you going to do?

Give myself the ok to move on and not feel like I owe him for what he did for me at one point in time... I have gotten good at just deleting anything from him...feel a lot less guilty when I don't read how horrible of a person I am

(in reply to starlagurl)

Post #: 15

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 5:15:23 PM

starlagurl

Posts: 26
Joined: 8/31/2010
Status: offline

Got it. Good job. Make a decision and stick with it! I wish I could be better at doing that too.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 16

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/10/2013 8:27:33 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

quote:

ORIGINAL: starlagurl

So, what are you going to do?

Give myself the ok to move on and not feel like I owe him for what he did for me at one point in time... I have gotten good at just deleting anything from him...feel a lot less guilty when I don't read how horrible of a person I am

Hey,he got his. That he walked away from it is on him.
You owe his ass nada. As in zip, bupkus, zero, nothing.
That he's laying guilt trips ex post facto indicates that it may have been a good thing things when down as they did.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 17

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/11/2013 8:55:42 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

OK - OP - you need to google "copdependency" and "intrapersonal boundary issues". It sounds as if you have problems with them both.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 18

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/11/2013 10:19:51 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

Ok... I got some great advice from everyone here but I spent part of the day thrashing it out with one good friend who pretty much nailed it all down.

@Kana and DS-- Malcolm's answer was "tell him he blew it and I am not as stupid. If he doesn't get the message, tell him to call me...your possessive boyfriend who collects guns & did a HS science project on how to make a glass of water explode"... I had already done this except for the part about calling him...

No, Kana was actually pretty on target with the "slave mentality and wanting to please others" comment.. I am not torn by NOT being with him..I am torn by having to have to make anyone unhappy with me. Hey, if polygamy was legal, I would have ended up married at least 3x because I never wanted to break up a relationship or tick someone off! I suck at confrontation and standing up for myself..I am very easy to pushover and charge through. (Except at work where I am known as "hell on heels")

Like, I said thanks everyone...but the "Dom Dr Phil" pretty much made me see sense.

While I can relate, I still don't see it as a slave mentality issue.
I see it as a life unmanageability issue.

You want a manageable life?
Stop thinking that everyone will be happy with you (and there won't be any conflict) IF you can just make everyone happy.

Find a therapist who can help un-doctrinate you.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 19

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/11/2013 10:57:29 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

Yes the ex owner dude persistently contacted me, said I would always be internally enslaved to him, and kept trying to dominate me. It was a very confusing and horribly stressful time for me. He refused to respect my requests to leave me alone.

So I marked any incoming email from him as spam, blocked him on CM and YIM, deleted him from Skype, and stopped answering any incoming calls I didn't recognize. It took about 6 months total for him to stop contacting me. I knew, hard as it was, that was the only route for me to take.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 20

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