RE: How Do I get my wife to agree????

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

LadyPact -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 2:21:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam quote: ORIGINAL: Winterapple Is it possible that the more muted reaction the women posters you're referring to had more to do with them being regulars than them being women. That people go softer on a person they "know" isn't that strange. No matter the reason, it's hypocrisy. If something is evil, it's evil no matter who does it. I think this might be a potential flaw as far as conducting research. If you are talking about members who have brought up the fact that they cheated and people discussed that person's transgressions years ago, why would posters feel that person's situation should be the focus when a completely different person's original post is the subject of the thread? If I already discussed what I thought of Poster X's cheating on a thread five years ago, why would I feel the need to do so again because Poster Y created a thread about cheating and Poster X happens to be a fellow responder on a thread unless some kind of dialogue began? I already told Poster X what I thought about it. Is there a reason I should tell them repeatedly over the course of years? On the other hand, Poster Y created their original post about cheating. That poster may not know My opinion on the subject and that is usually going to be a part of My answer. That person hasn't heard it the thousand times I've said it before so My reaction to the topic is most likely to be negative. Something else you may want to consider. I know how many times over the years I've received those nice pieces of gold mail on the topics of cheating and/or dishonesty. With My track record, there are some days that I try to avoid being as outspoken on the subject for the Mod's sake if nothing else. Other days, I'm not as good about it and I've said more than I probably should. That's got way more to do with Me as the writer of the comment than the gender of the poster who asked about the subject.

descrite -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 2:35:41 AM)
Fucking Hill...ought get some sort of medal. Not just for his work...but for what the work contributes to the discussion. Thank you, sir. I'll add this: for a minority on the cuutting edge of American sexuality...we sure do seem to harbor some rather parochial notions about relationships, I have to say.

LadyPact -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 3:02:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: descrite Fucking Hill...ought get some sort of medal. Not just for his work...but for what the work contributes to the discussion. Thank you, sir. I'll add this: for a minority on the cuutting edge of American sexuality...we sure do seem to harbor some rather parochial notions about relationships, I have to say. I agree. Hill has gone above and beyond. However, I don't think this has as much to do with sexuality as it does about dishonesty. If it were about multiple sexual partners, I think we'd see as many negative comments towards those who have open relationships or are poly and that isn't very commonplace on the forums.

tj444 -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 5:52:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: descrite Fucking Hill...ought get some sort of medal. Not just for his work...but for what the work contributes to the discussion. Thank you, sir. I'll add this: for a minority on the cuutting edge of American sexuality...we sure do seem to harbor some rather parochial notions about relationships, I have to say. I agree. Hill has gone above and beyond. However, I don't think this has as much to do with sexuality as it does about dishonesty. If it were about multiple sexual partners, I think we'd see as many negative comments towards those who have open relationships or are poly and that isn't very commonplace on the forums. now I am starting to feel a tad sorry for the OP.. the dude probably wants the thread to die and now Hill has turned it into a study of human frailties.. [:D]

Hillwilliam -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 6:16:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tj444 now I am starting to feel a tad sorry for the OP.. the dude probably wants the thread to die and now Hill has turned it into a study of human frailties.. [:D] How many times have we said on here that once you begin a thread, when you hit "OK" it's not yours any more?[8D] To LadyP. I can see your point there but I just feel that it is hypocritical to rip someone to shreds because "Cheating is the most evilest things on the planet and 'once a cheater always a cheater' (How many times have we heard that here?)" but have as one of your best buds a person who admits to having done it in the past. I dare say that you may look hard enough and find one or more of those 'past cheaters' who are joining in the lynch mob. Is it evil unless it's your friend that did it (who by the way is the only person in the world who has ever been rehabilitated from such crimes)?

cloudboy -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 6:18:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Winterapple quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy quote: So do you honestly think the fact that she was a young cute female and he is an older male had nothing to do with the tenor of the answer? It's rarity here that anyone makes an admission. Even with pitchforks, torches, and shotguns --- those flying in formation won't cop to their underlying emotions, prejudices, and bias. To them, their conduct is rational and justified. I'll cop readily to having emotions, prejudices and biases that can cloud my responses to a post. In this case several were afoot. Annoyed by perceived attitudes/ stereotypes about submissive women. Sympathy for the wife who seems vulnerable with her health problems. Emotional on the subject because my father left my mother for another woman after cheating on her for years. It also made me think of a woman I know of who welcomed a slave into her home and marriage and got dumped when the slave decided she wanted her own house and to be the husbands wife. His only wife/partner/ lover. The human mind isn't always very rational and often fills in the blanks with its own narrative. I'm not unsympathetic to anyone male or female who is not being sexually fulfilled in their marriage. It's not easy. I don't think cheating equates to a bad awful person. I've had friends who cheated on their spouses and cheated with married people when they were single. None of these affairs turned out very well.They all to varying degrees regretted their actions. And I know people who've left marriages or whose behavior compelled the spouse to divorce them that were later on full of regret. I think if you've invested thirty years with someone you would think long and hard about tossing that out the window. Especially if you can say I love my husband or my wife. What I've seen on marital threads over the years is a rush to judgment. Women in particular can have a very visceral reaction. The majority of the respondents tend to be unmarried or divorced. Responses are therefore driven by a conception of marriage and idealistic views of honesty and marital vows. OPs get eviscerated. As a long time married person, I try to offer insight, understanding, and validation for needs outside of the marriage. If possible I try to offer some helpful advice. If someone has been married a long time, then I also presume they are doing something right. I also tend to Think the married person understands his position and spouse better than me. I also don't think honesty is always the best policy. Ideally it would be, but in practice being practical and sensitive is more important. Good response here from you. My parting shot is that judging the op or "siding" with the "maybe cheated upon spouse" does not constitute helpful advice, that's just a projection of one's own value system. Projecting our own values often feels right and helpful because we believe in our own words, but it also makes us less able to see and understand what's before us.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 6:30:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: descrite I'll add this: for a minority on the cuutting edge of American sexuality...we sure do seem to harbor some rather parochial notions about relationships, I have to say. Do we? I don't thing our views are limited in the least. Requiring honesty from my sexual partners is a safety issue for me. From both an emotional and physical viewpoint I need to be clear on where we all stand. In my little poly family, everyone involved is 'free' to have sex with whom ever they please, b/c none of us believe fidelity is something that can be demanded or forced. My husband and I have made a committeemen to be monogamous. This was a mutual agreement, and not a forced requirement of the relationship. My male sub (who I don't have sex with) is free to play with others, and does. Although I control his orgasms most of the time, I do occasionally turn him over to another dom for a period of time. He may be allowed to have sex during these sessions, with my kind permission. In other words, I know about it. He's not 'cheating' on me, b/c I know where he goes and what he does there. The Mister is entirely free to play with whomever he chooses. Although we've agreed to be monogamous, that could change if circumstances were such that a relationship developed between him and another female that he thought would fit into our family dynamic. Neither of us are holding our breath on that one. But the possibility is out there. In my mind, he wouldn't be 'cheating' on me, b/c if he met someone he wanted to have sex with, I would be the first to know. He would most certainly use me to 'vet' her. I fail to understand how you don't see that ethical poly and cheating (that is, lying to your spouse or partner about who you have sex with) is two different things. Now, if your relationships are so superficial that it's not their business, that is an entirely different thing. Mine, and the relationships of many who contribute on this board, are much deeper.

JeffBC -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 6:34:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy It's rarity here that anyone makes an admission. Even with pitchforks, torches, and shotguns --- those flying in formation won't cop to their underlying emotions, prejudices, and bias. To them, their conduct is rational and justified. To be fair isn't the ever the face of prejudice? When that prejudice is systemin in the society often it truly IS invisible to people. Women needed to raise awareness for their movement and, at first, many people thought they were making shit up and or being overly sensitive. It is hard as hell to see our own prejudices. Even bright, introspective people do not have perfect mirrors to see themselves in... flawed as hell more accurately. Personally, in my mind the jury's a bit out on this particular item. I'm looking forward to Ishtar's results. But I would absolutely not be surprised to find a significant bias towards women on this even as I myself could see it (see previous post). I'm well aware of other such biases on these boards and those biases are naught but the reflection of larger society.

JeffBC -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 7:29:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt Do we? I don't thing our views are limited in the least. Requiring honesty from my sexual partners is a safety issue for me. Much larger than that, for me, I require some amount of honor from friends and family... those on the inner rings of my social circle. I could do a laundry list of reasons why but the simple summation is that my brain works that way and I find it more comfortable and more rewarding to surround myself with others who think similarly. It makes my life a lot simpler too. For me the cheating is just the tiny little tip of the iceberg. The moment I see cheating in a relationship I assume I'm looking at two or more people unguided by honor. The relationship they have formed is vastly different than anything I could ever understand or desire. The rules & goals are alien to me. I'm not clear there even ARE goals beyond immediate gratification and self-interest. I don't know what else Descrite has said but given his track record here with us I find it likely that he will be more sympathetic and more helpful to the OP than I could be. So would people who have been in cheater relationships. So would anyone who lacks some sort of honor code. Honestly, from what net wandering I have done on this, the OP would've been better served to post his question on a website dedicated to cheating and cheating relationships.

cloudboy -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 8:56:33 AM)
quote: the jury's a bit out on this particular item. What's interesting on marital threads is how often respondents see themselves as jurors. I figure there's no way for me to get all the facts to make a judgment. Regarding the OP's project, well the jury is definitely out, namely whether he can balance his marriage and non marital needs. The NYT magazine had a recent article about how women lose interest in their partner over time. Such woman are about 11% of females. Over time their libido just disappears for their familiar, long term partner. The question was, is there a pharmacological drug that might help them recover their desire, a female Viagra. A lot of stuff is involved with long term relationships.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 9:00:08 AM)
That's why I added: From both an emotional and physical viewpoint I need to be clear on where we all stand. My mental health is as important as my physical health. Dishonesty is not conducive to my good mental health and I doubt to anyone else's. When I see cheating, I also see it as the tip of the iceberg. It's not just that they are being dishonest, it's that the couple's bond is broken. Cheating means you're out for yourself alone, fulfilling your own needs. You're not operating as a team any longer. You've placed yourself in a position where you and your spouse have to be adversaries. B/c now you have to lie and play all these other games to keep the big secret.

sexyred1 -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 10:29:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: descrite Fucking Hill...ought get some sort of medal. Not just for his work...but for what the work contributes to the discussion. Thank you, sir. I'll add this: for a minority on the cuutting edge of American sexuality...we sure do seem to harbor some rather parochial notions about relationships, I have to say. Again someone has the mistaken perception that because one is involved in D/s, that throws out moral integrity to one's partner. I could be the kinkiest sluttiest sub in the world, but if someone's cheated on me they lose me. Not because we are on "the cutting edge of American sexuality", which is pretentious to say the least, but because he would have broken my trust, which is key for me.

evesgrden -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 10:56:24 AM)
quote: Let's go back to this one. It didn't show up in my search because it didn't have the word "cheater" but let's play with it. Of the first 6 answering posts, 5 were helpful, nonjudgemental advice from women. One was a supportive post from a man and finally a man came in basically said if she does it, she is scum. After that, it goes to "why did you marry someone you weren't compatible with" and finally, there were more helpful supportive suggestions. "Wait 3 months and try it again" is an example What exactly did you expect there. SHE DIDN'T CHEAT. SHE DIDN'T LIE. She has urges. She told her husband she has urges. She asked him for an open marriage. Now, the wisdom of how she handled that and broke it to him may be suspect, but in what way was she unethical? She's asking for help because he's freaking out. He's freaking out because of what she wants, not because she deceived him. She didn't. What did we tell the OP here right off the bat.. go talk to your wife. What did the woman do in the thread you're citing. She went and talked to her husband. She has no intention of cheating, she has no intention of hurting him. So your point would be what? Why should the author of that thread be chewed out for cheating? She didn't and never intended to. She asked for permission to play. He said no. She would rather live with him than hurt him or leave him just to satisfy her urges. The exact opposite of the OP actually.

Hillwilliam -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 11:07:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: evesgrden The exact opposite of the OP actually. Is it? Please go back and read the OP. He said "How do I get her to suggest or welcome a younger slave into our marriage" Sounds like he wants poly/open marriage as well doesn't it? Now in post #94, he said "Yes, been married, yes still happily. no cheating. Yes looking to because lack of sex has made me a bit nuts. Shoot me." So, he's thinking about it. Ever thought about anything immoral? I have [8D] didn't do it tho. By then, he had already been called every name in the book because of a 9 year old profile that was NOT part of the OP. Thank you for jumping to conclusions and supporting my theory with your actions. ETA: The funny thing is that I didn't dig up that thread. it was found by someone trying to refute my assertion that women more frequently get a pass or at least aren't ripped as hard as men but it showed just the opposite didn't it? Even you just defended her.

evesgrden -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 1:29:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam quote: ORIGINAL: evesgrden The exact opposite of the OP actually. Is it? Please go back and read the OP. He said "How do I get her to suggest or welcome a younger slave into our marriage" Sounds like he wants poly/open marriage as well doesn't it? Now in post #94, he said "Yes, been married, yes still happily. no cheating. Yes looking to because lack of sex has made me a bit nuts. Shoot me." So, he's thinking about it. Ever thought about anything immoral? I have [8D] didn't do it tho. By then, he had already been called every name in the book because of a 9 year old profile that was NOT part of the OP. Thank you for jumping to conclusions and supporting my theory with your actions. ETA: The funny thing is that I didn't dig up that thread. it was found by someone trying to refute my assertion that women more frequently get a pass or at least aren't ripped as hard as men but it showed just the opposite didn't it? Even you just defended her. He's been on this site for about 10 years (interesting that he removed that info after I mentioned it). He's had experience. But his wife knows nothing. How can someone be into something like this, and keep it secret from their spouse of 30 years, but have this not be deceit? Furthermore, his post says he looking to bring a slave into his life and how can he get his wife to ok this... meanwhile his profile is looking for squeeze on the side.. and he'll pay for some of her expenses maybe. Sounds like we've got someone who has tried to cheat unsuccessfully, but couldn't get anyone to take him up on his offer.. other than whoever it was he's gotten his experience with. Yeah that. Experience.... but there's been no cheating? 10 years on this site, but there's been no deceit? Seriously? Now he wants suggestions as how he can get this wife to ok a third kinky party, but he didn't say word one about seeing if his wife might consider it herself. That's not even an option? This I think is folly, but it's not deceitful. For all he knows, she thinks he's dull as can be in the rack, and if he'd just grab a fistful of hair and plant one on her that makes her knees buckle, fireworks would go off for both of them. She doesn't know any of this exists, and he hasn't so much as given her a playful swat on the butt? He hasn't so much as tested the waters with some rasslin', some verbal teasing that she's been a bad girl? AFTER 30 YEARS? As for me defending the author of the other post, what was there to defend? First thing she did was go to her husband. He said no. She'll live with it, but he's still freaking out over it. Her deceit was..... what? Deceit is the only thing I take issue with in all this. When there's deceit, no one can make an informed decision about their partner and whether they want to be involved with them or not. As for your theory, if some sweet slave thang came on the site, said she was moving to be with some guy who's married to a woman who's got asthma so their sex life sucks, but he's wonderful and she'll work nights so she can be available to suck him and have nooners with him... do you really think she could post that here and come out unscathed? Or if she were doing that to HER spouse? Lying to your partner... that's what gets folks up in arms. If the person who's doing the lying writes about it, they're gonna hear about it.

JeffBC -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 2:48:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: evesgrden He's been on this site for about 10 years (interesting that he removed that info after I mentioned it). He's had experience. But his wife knows nothing. From my perspective that is something akin to cheating all by itself. If I found out that Carol had a secret dating profile I would divorce her this instant. But as I said, this is more about honor and wanting an honorable partner for me than it is about the physical act of sex. I don't honestly care who's parts go where. It's the implications of that which I care about.

OsideGirl -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 2:57:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: evesgrden He's been on this site for about 10 years (interesting that he removed that info after I mentioned it). He's had experience. But his wife knows nothing. From my perspective that is something akin to cheating all by itself. If I found out that Carol had a secret dating profile I would divorce her this instant. But as I said, this is more about honor and wanting an honorable partner for me than it is about the physical act of sex. I don't honestly care who's parts go where. It's the implications of that which I care about. Ultimately, that is what counts. If his wife found his profile here and thought is was cheating....then it would be cheating. I'm with you Jeff. Personally, I don't care if he has sex with other women. What I care about would be lying to me about it, forming an emotional bond without my knowledge or having some crazy coming to my home to nest.

Domnotlooking -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 4:35:29 PM)
Man, not much empathy for people trapped in some sexless hell here, huh? I gave some support and a good resource to sort his head out on page one because, well, been there, done that. It's not a man or woman issue. Statistically, as many women are likely to be caught in a passive aggressive clusterfuck of denial as men are. While not a 110% laudable, I do find it completely understandable that a guy might do a little internet grazing while he slowly twists on the wind and dies inside. I know I did. I think a lot of the moral posturing past around page 6 is trying to justify a pile on without all the facts in hand. The OP certainly did himself no favors here with his badly told tale, BUT: I need more details about the marriage before I condemn this person. He may be trapped with her due to her health insurance situation. That's what happened to me. And it is important to note that he has not in fact cheated (as in dick in pussy) yet. Is this like in the Judge Dredd movie where we convict people BEFORE they commit a crime? He's just another lonely horn dog who needs to sort out his sexless marriage FIRST and then go get some kinky fun later. Hanging offense? I don't think so. And for balance, I get that a lot of women here have been run around and lied to by married, closeted perverts, so I understand the anger. But my principal instinct in reading his thing was 'there but for the grace of god, go (or went) I'. If you haven't walked the sexless marriage walk, it's hard to get how crazy making it can be. Anyone still reading should check out the online support group "I live in a sexless marriage". The insights therein can change lives. I hope the OP sorts himself out.

tj444 -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 5:42:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking Man, not much empathy for people trapped in some sexless hell here, huh? I gave some support and a good resource to sort his head out on page one because, well, been there, done that. It's not a man or woman issue. Statistically, as many women are likely to be caught in a passive aggressive clusterfuck of denial as men are. Sure, as a female I have been in that place and it drove me crazy.. and even worse, without sex and affection what happened with me is that I fell out of love.. I needed the physical contact for the emotional connection to be reinforced.. it just slipped away without it.. And yes, I thought about cheating but it was just thinking about it.. I decided that I didn't want to do that to myself, to live a double life like that.. I would lose my self-respect.. and I decided that while he was in my life & me off-market, as it were, I could be missing the one I should have met and be with.. so I told him I wanted out.. I think people don't care to give sympathy to someone who has been looking to cheat for 10 years.. if he stays in a sexless marriage, well, its his choice to.. no one is forcing him to stay in that "hell"..

OsideGirl -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/14/2013 5:53:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tj444 I think people don't care to give sympathy to someone who has been looking to cheat for 10 years.. if he stays in a sexless marriage, well, its his choice to.. no one is forcing him to stay in that "hell".. That's pretty much my view. If you're unhappy with your relationship, talk to your partner, attempt to work it out, if it doesn't work out you have two options: stay and suck it up or move onto a situation that does make you happy. But, lying doesn't solve the problem and really it's choosing to do someone else harm so that you can have an orgasm.

Page: << < prev 10 11 [12] 13 14 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.0625