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RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 3:48:06 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam
Nope but the word "Cheater" wasn't in any of the 21 posts after the OP 14 of them were offering solutions to her problem (I refer to that as support) and only 1 (by a male) said anything about her lack of character. I hardly call that giving her a hard time. Thanks for helping me

Could have been the difference between "cheater" and "cheating". Heck, that thread even prompted white knight syndrome discussion because some of the guys felt that the chicks were being too hard on the OP and then again with the other female who chimed in about her cheating practices. (Under the guise of "oh, the poor newbie" of course.)

Also, let's not forget the posts that were pulled from the thread. Some were from defenders, but others were because the comments against the OP were removed.

This thing becomes difficult to debate because, in at least some cases, forum guidelines don't allow people to say what they think. We can't tell a particular person our opinion of an unethical practice because it gets the responder in hot water. Which is kind of why My first post on this thread says that I'm not going to violate ToS over it.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 161

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 3:48:38 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

In post 5 LL said she was sure the op would find many others who are filling to fuck her behind her husbands back. Now she didn't specifiacally call her a cheater but I think most people would have been able to figure it out with out a picture. And I guess DS telling her she was cheating wasn't specific enough for you either. After all he didn't come out and call her a cheater. I didn't call her a cheater either. I did however make it clear that I thought she was dishonest and not worth wasting my time on. Now there were a couple who were standing up for the op but I am not sure that wasn't more a case of taking the opportunity to slap at some of the regulars and accuse them of picking on the newbie again. So maybe you should expand your search parameters a bit before accusing people of shit.

I explained my parameters. I used the first 100 occurrences of a certain word "cheater".

You went looking and found what you wanted to find and ran back here with it. Note the search parameters "cheat + Husband"

Do you honestly think that if I expanded the search to "cheat, cheater, adultery and cheating" and looked at the first 100 results, I would find different data?

It's called "statistically significant, unbiased sampling" not "let's go look until I find something to confirm my bias."

< Message edited by Hillwilliam -- 8/13/2013 3:57:29 PM >

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to thishereboi)

Post #: 162

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 3:56:32 PM

Hillwilliam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

Or this one http://www.collarchat.com/m_4254781/mpage_1/key_cheat%252Chusband/tm.htm#

Let's go back to this one.

It didn't show up in my search because it didn't have the word "cheater" but let's play with it.

Of the first 6 answering posts, 5 were helpful, nonjudgemental advice from women. One was a supportive post from a man and finally a man came in basically said if she does it, she is scum.

After that, it goes to "why did you marry someone you weren't compatible with" and finally, there were more helpful supportive suggestions. "Wait 3 months and try it again" is an example

< Message edited by Hillwilliam -- 8/13/2013 3:58:30 PM >

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to thishereboi)

Post #: 163

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 4:06:25 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

Or this one http://www.collarchat.com/m_4254781/mpage_1/key_cheat%252Chusband/tm.htm#

Let's go back to this one.

It didn't show up in my search because it didn't have the word "cheater" but let's play with it.

Of the first 6 answering posts, 5 were helpful, nonjudgemental advice from women. One was a supportive post from a man and finally a man came in basically said if she does it, she is scum.

After that, it goes to "why did you marry someone you weren't compatible with" and finally, there were more helpful supportive suggestions. "Wait 3 months and try it again" is an example

You're right. That thread isn't about cheating. It was about asking for an open marriage. When the husband told her no, I told her to submit. (Post #5, I think.) I'm not sure how that compares.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 164

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 4:07:29 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

Or this one http://www.collarchat.com/m_4254781/mpage_1/key_cheat%252Chusband/tm.htm#

Let's go back to this one.

It didn't show up in my search because it didn't have the word "cheater" but let's play with it.

Of the first 6 answering posts, 5 were helpful, nonjudgemental advice from women. One was a supportive post from a man and finally a man came in basically said if she does it, she is scum.

After that, it goes to "why did you marry someone you weren't compatible with" and finally, there were more helpful supportive suggestions. "Wait 3 months and try it again" is an example

You're right. That thread isn't about cheating. It was about asking for an open marriage. When the husband told her no, I told her to submit. (Post #5, I think.) I'm not sure how that compares.

Ask boi. She's the one who searched for the thread and brought it up as a rebuttal for my assertion of bias.

ETA: If someone wants to do a statistically random search, share their methodology and show that there is no m/f bias among the posters when someone is having marital problems, I'd be glad to hear it but cherry picking doesn't cut it unless you work for FOX.

< Message edited by Hillwilliam -- 8/13/2013 4:10:13 PM >

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 165

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 4:09:48 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Technically the guy in this thread is asking for an open marriage. Open to me means he gets a fucktoy in house and she gets one too. If they are both on board, bingo! But the way he presented it was that he is dominant and she is, even though she knows nothing about the stuff that we do.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 166

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 4:14:42 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Technically the guy in this thread is asking for an open marriage. Open to me means he gets a fucktoy in house and she gets one too. If they are both on board, bingo! But the way he presented it was that he is dominant and she is, even though she knows nothing about the stuff that we do.

Maybe she is Dominant, I don't know. I'm of the opinion that Dominant or sub is part of you and not what you learned in BDSM 101.
Are there Dominants and subs who have no idea what we're about? I think so.

Do you think LadyP was a Dominant before she ever picked up a whip?
I do.

Knowledge isn't what makes you a Dominant. It's what makes you a competent one as opposed to an idiot that's likely to hurt someone.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 167

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 4:50:59 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam
Ask boi. She's the one who searched for the thread and brought it up as a rebuttal for my assertion of bias.

ETA: If someone wants to do a statistically random search, share their methodology and show that there is no m/f bias among the posters when someone is having marital problems, I'd be glad to hear it but cherry picking doesn't cut it unless you work for FOX.

I don't know if there would be a way to search it out, but it would be really neat to see percentages. Not just of the responses, but how many threads get created by males vrs females about fidelity (actual cheating, rather than open or whatever) and what the percentage is of the responses are negative. Kind of hard though because one person's negative isn't the same as the next person's. For example, on the thread I linked, you saw those replies as more helpful than I did and I saw the negative overtone where you didn't.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 168

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 5:35:03 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam
Ask boi. She's the one who searched for the thread and brought it up as a rebuttal for my assertion of bias.

ETA: If someone wants to do a statistically random search, share their methodology and show that there is no m/f bias among the posters when someone is having marital problems, I'd be glad to hear it but cherry picking doesn't cut it unless you work for FOX.

I don't know if there would be a way to search it out, but it would be really neat to see percentages. Not just of the responses, but how many threads get created by males vrs females about fidelity (actual cheating, rather than open or whatever) and what the percentage is of the responses are negative. Kind of hard though because one person's negative isn't the same as the next person's. For example, on the thread I linked, you saw those replies as more helpful than I did and I saw the negative overtone where you didn't.

Some of them are borderline but if you see the word "Scum or Slime or unethical or douche" it's pretty cut n dried. and if you see things like "wait 3 months and try it again" I call that helpful hints.
The funniest part of my search was 2 posts referred to playing cards.
They didn't get included in the results LOL.

FWIW, here's my methodology.

Search "cheater" any gender specific words such as husband or wife weren't used in the search as they would skew the results.
Draw a grid with:
Female subject, male respondent +
Female subject, male respondent -
Male subject, female respondent +
Male subject, male respondent -
F/M neutral
F/F neutral
M/M neutral
M/F neutral

The first letter is who the post is about, second is who is responding and the +/-/neutral is the tone of the response

With 100 posts, you'd expect to see a dozen in each block because a few would just be off topic like card playing.

Then you look for patterns.
Are males more critical of males or females or neither?
Are females more critical of males, females or neither?

< Message edited by Hillwilliam -- 8/13/2013 5:49:33 PM >

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 169

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 5:46:18 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

I have to say, I *DO* think there is a decided prejudice on this board against married male cheaters. Of course there is. Women don't like to be cheated on, lied to, played like a fool, and we tend to feel for the wife and have empathy for her.

Thus the male cheaters get handed their balls, so to speak.

Female cheaters are not always treated well (and yes chatterbox is a prime example) but I think they get cut more slack, and part of that is that many males don't have that same empathy toward the spouse, and I think some of them wonder what their chances are with the wife. (Just saying.)

It's sort of reverse discrimination in a strange way that doesn't really make sense unless you're into the perverse the way some of us are.

What I don't get is why it's such a big deal. Geeze, you guys are big bad male doms, deal.

Frankly I think the sexes are treated fairly evenly, w/o any obvious discrimination. But they are not treated the same.

_____________________________

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 170

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 5:49:06 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

A big kiss for you mummy, so nice to see you posting again. Hope you are having a blast across the pond.

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(in reply to mummyman321)

Post #: 171

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 5:54:22 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam
At the exact same time, the exact same posters were on another part of the forum ripping another guy to shreds because he was wanting out of a sexless marriage basically saying the same shit that was said here. You're lazy, You're no good in bed, you're clumsy, you don't pay attention.

I'm curious Hill. I just went back and reread my first post and I remain content with it. Whatever is going on in their marriage it is clear that both sides of some serious gaps in "relationship skills". It's also clear that any advice I might have given would not be applicable to the mindset that would think of cheating as an option. Do you believe that post was gender-biased also? I don't so if you see it you'll need to point it out to me.

I'd also like to say that much as I readily acknowledge anti-male gender bias on these forums (and in life in general in some areas) I can't imagine ANYONE coming here posting they want to cheat and not getting a strongly negative reaction.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 172

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 5:57:41 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

I'd also like to say that much as I readily acknowledge anti-male gender bias on these forums (and in life in general in some areas) I can't imagine ANYONE coming here posting they want to cheat and not getting a strongly negative reaction.

Thank thishereboi for finding this one. http://www.collarchat.com/m_4254781/mpage_1/key_cheat%252Chusband/tm.htm#

21 replies. One negative. The rest neutral or supportive.
Of course it was a young cute sub so.

< Message edited by Hillwilliam -- 8/13/2013 5:58:00 PM >

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 173

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 6:01:39 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

FR

Chatterbox got her ass handed to her for cheating on her husband.

Ok, there's one. During my search, I found 2 regular posters who said "I was a cheater" and there were no repercussions.

< Message edited by Hillwilliam -- 8/13/2013 6:02:39 PM >

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 174

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 6:04:07 PM

deliriuminabox

Posts: 135
Joined: 2/25/2013
Status: offline

I only read the first 4 replies but of those 4, 3 of them basically told her the same thing people have been telling the OP here. Either leave the husband so they can both find someone better suited to the two of them or stay in the marriage and accept his terms and conditions.

Granted, no one jumped all over her in those 4 replies but she also didn't present herself as having been involved in a 30 yr marriage and looking to bring in a new hottie to satisfy her sexual needs. Its like comparing apples to oranges, imo.

_____________________________

“Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes.” ~Tori Amos

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 175

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 6:05:35 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

Yeah, I was just catching up on the thread and saw your analysis. I'm willing to stand corrected regarding overall board bias because I don't think you're the type to say you did something that specifically and you just made it all up.

So my other question. How would you rate my score on my initial post.

In a perfect world I'd like to be "neutral"-ish

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 176

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 6:09:41 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Yeah, I was just catching up on the thread and saw your analysis. I'm willing to stand corrected regarding overall board bias because I don't think you're the type to say you did something that specifically and you just made it all up.

So my other question. How would you rate my score on my initial post.

In a perfect world I'd like to be "neutral"-ish

I'd have rated it neutral.
Without the comment about the profile, I'd have rated it positive.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 177

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 6:10:45 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: deliriuminabox

I only read the first 4 replies but of those 4, 3 of them basically told her the same thing people have been telling the OP here. Either leave the husband so they can both find someone better suited to the two of them or stay in the marriage and accept his terms and conditions.

Granted, no one jumped all over her in those 4 replies but she also didn't present herself as having been involved in a 30 yr marriage and looking to bring in a new hottie to satisfy her sexual needs. Its like comparing apples to oranges, imo.

Those would have rated neutral to positive.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to deliriuminabox)

Post #: 178

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 6:19:54 PM

deliriuminabox

Posts: 135
Joined: 2/25/2013
Status: offline

Yeah but you're ignoring the differences in how the two OPs have presented their situations. There's a huge difference between a 50 yr old looking to introduce a young hottie into his 30+ yr marriage and a 22 yr old asking for advice on what to do when she realizes her spouse isn't into kink. The 50 yr old OP is blaming his wife's asthma for their sexless marriage whereas the younger OP is basically saying, what do I do about this situation? She didn't try to justify cheating, though she did express a willingness to do so. I think if she'd presented herself differently, she'd have gotten a different response.

ETA

I'm not arguing that there isn't a bias against males on this and most other forums. In most situations we accuse the man of being a scum bag, a jerk, etc and the woman is usually the victim of the big bad man but in this case, with these two OPs, it doesn't quite measure up. She was given the same advice but the tone was different because she presented her situation differently.

< Message edited by deliriuminabox -- 8/13/2013 6:23:23 PM >

_____________________________

“Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes.” ~Tori Amos

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 179

RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? - 8/13/2013 6:20:27 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Uh uh.
People often mistake me for dominant. I am not dominant I am self sufficient, competent and know how to make things happen. And I am kinky.
I know plenty of people who are like me, only they would be horrified at the kink level.
TOO many people label others as dom or sub, when in fact, competence and knowing what you want are only traits. They are not kink. They do not determine whether or not someone would enjoy an alternate lifestyle.

He states she is dominant but is she? There is no proof other than his few words proclaiming her thus. He also said she is .01% bi. Proof?

Not everything is related to what we do. Sometimes nilla is just nilla.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Technically the guy in this thread is asking for an open marriage. Open to me means he gets a fucktoy in house and she gets one too. If they are both on board, bingo! But the way he presented it was that he is dominant and she is, even though she knows nothing about the stuff that we do.

Maybe she is Dominant, I don't know. I'm of the opinion that Dominant or sub is part of you and not what you learned in BDSM 101.
Are there Dominants and subs who have no idea what we're about? I think so.

Do you think LadyP was a Dominant before she ever picked up a whip?
I do.

Knowledge isn't what makes you a Dominant. It's what makes you a competent one as opposed to an idiot that's likely to hurt someone.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 180

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