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success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/30/2013 5:39:48 PM

jc26

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/6/2013
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I am just wondering if anyone has successfully transformed their vanilla partner to a bdsm lifestyle successfully. I've always known I was truly submissive but the heart always wins out with love and sexual desires were secondary. Now I am feeling like its time to fully explore this but I want it to be with my husband.

Hopefully some of you have some inspiring stories to share =)

Post #: 1

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/30/2013 6:33:24 PM

DarkSteven

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It's not easy. Carol and Jeff are the real success story on collarme.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 2

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/30/2013 10:01:04 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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so be submissive to your husband. Make dinner, wash his clothes, clean the house, make sure he feels like king of his house. And I suggest you read The Surrendered Wife.

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Post #: 3

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 7:49:48 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Talk to him.

However it is not fair for you to spring this on him one night and expect him to be letter perfect the next. His whole life, he's been taught not to hit girls or push them around. That's a hell of a lot of conditioning to move past. Expect it to take months or years. But you have to express it in a positive manner.

Explain that you stop in the cereal aisle and get stuck for twenty minutes trying to choose what to buy. And would he please help you out by taking that decision making away from you. Then eat the shredded wheat even if you don't like it. Next time ask him to pick something different. But thank him afterward. Tell him that it made grocery shopping so much faster and you're really grateful.

Do the same thing with topping. Ask him to spank you. Be grateful. Tell him how hot it makes you. Beg to give him a blow job or beg him to fuck you after. Remind him repeatedly of how hot you found it and could he please do it again soon only longer and harder. And keep giving positive reinforcement so he sees an upside to it instead of viewing it as him being a sociopathic abusive bastard.

_____________________________

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(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 4

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 10:58:52 AM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
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I converted an ex boyfriend some years ago. He now heads a poly household and has two long term slaves, so yes, it can be done.

The difficulty is that it is the blind leading the blind, and it's difficult for you to tell him how to do it if you want to be the submissive and want him to be the dominant.

I would start with easy, intuitive sexy stuff - ask him what he wants in bed, ask him if he'd like you to cook a meal for him, ask him what clothes he likes you to wear. When he tells you what to do or what he likes, enjoy it, appreciate it, show him that you like it, be almost over the top with showing him how much you enjoy it because the key point is that he should think 'this is great! I want to do it again...' He shouldn't be thinking 'this is way too much like hard work...'

Don't overwhelm him with facts and figures and books and websites, it just turns them off in the beginning. Keep it sexy, keep it easy and if he makes little mistakes, let it go, he'll learn in time anyway.

You'll know when it's reached critical mass when he starts taking the lead in this process, doing his own research and coming up with stuff that he wants you to do. At that point it might be nice to suggest going out on the scene, meeting people, learning new skills, getting advice, etc.

(in reply to jc26)

Post #: 5

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 11:13:31 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
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All good advice.

But, if OP's hubby doesn't have that dominant type in him, he'll never be a good dom.
You can teach someone to read & write, but that won't make them a good presenter or a new book writer.

What I'm trying to say is, even if you teach the skills required, the person still has to have that internal hunger and zest for using the new skills otherwise it's a waste of time.
If someone is strictly 'nilla, there's no easy way to re-train the mindset to make them something else.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)

Post #: 6

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 11:39:46 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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True, but until he tries it, he won't know if he has that in him or not.

And even if he doesn't become the uberdom, he could become a proficient top which might well be enough for her.

_____________________________

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Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 7

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 12:31:43 PM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
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I started in a vanilla marriage. We were equal in all things. For several years.

I think it was possible for us because he has a natural dominant personality and I, a submissive one. We just didn't embrace them in our marriage for a few reasons (mostly the way we were raised - to accept modern relationship "norms" as being the only "right" way).
The best way I brought it out of him was pretty much what LittleWonder suggested. He caught onto that part real quick. No explanation needed, really.

If you're thinking more along the lines of kinky things in the bedroom, it depends on the person. Some are strictly missionary, some are up for different positions and light bondage. I'm used to the latter, so mine being somewhat adventurous already made things easier.

I didn't want to completely overwhelm him. I introduced a few concepts at a time. Then, when I saw how thrilled he was with those, I opened up completely. Now, there are things he's not willing to do and I'm perfectly okay with that as our marriage comes first. But, he wasn't freaked out like I thought he might be and had actually wished I had opened up much sooner.

When it comes to inflicting pain, you may have to do a lot of coaxing and reassuring until you're both comfortable with his and your limits. DesFIP gave great advice on this.
I personally started with spanking. Most men I have dated in the past loved doing this to some degree so it just seemed like the easiest to start off with. Then, moved onto household items (the belt is our favorite).

So, it may be possible. May take some work. And you should really just talk to him and open up what desires you have and ask about any desires he may have.

(in reply to jc26)

Post #: 8

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 1:11:39 PM

jc26

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/6/2013
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Definitely do all of those things already littlewonder =)

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 9

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 1:16:59 PM

jc26

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/6/2013
Status: offline

I try to be as submissive as possible in all aspects of our daily routine, and sexually also, I've asked for spanking but it isn't his thing. I always please him sexually regardless if I get pleased afterward or not. We've been together a long long time so being this way from pretty much day 1.

I'm too shy and/or embarrassed to be more direct but love all of your advice

(in reply to jc26)

Post #: 10

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 1:33:43 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jc26
I am just wondering if anyone has successfully transformed their vanilla partner to a bdsm lifestyle successfully. I've always known I was truly submissive but the heart always wins out with love and sexual desires were secondary. Now I am feeling like its time to fully explore this but I want it to be with my husband.

Hopefully some of you have some inspiring stories to share =)

Yes with two caveats:
* We didn't turn "kinky" exactly... we implimented an authority dynamic. I don't really think that changes anything but you should know that.
* The way you phrase that question raises my eyebrows. I would never have said that "I transformed Carol". I would have said that WE picked a goal then WE transformed ourselves and our marriage. In some lights, I as the "master" did the transforming. But for this discussion it's important to look at us as a single unit... "we". Yeah, even then I was clearly the controlling portion of "we" but it was definitely a team play.

Carol and I were married vanilla for something past 10 years when we stumbled across BDSM in the worst of all possible ways... online and in SecondLife. In other words, we ran into a bunch of people roleplaying about BDSM claiming it was "real". Out of that was born this idea that maybe some form of "owning Carol" might work for us. It did. I chalk that up to three reasons:

A) We love each other... for real.
Our marriage was going through some nasty trouble at the time but honestly, nasty as it was all just a storm on the surface of the ocean. We have always had a very team-oriented marriage with excellent paths of communication. Our marriage is based on giving to our partner rather than taking from them. It was almost a given that if one of us said anything like, "Hey, I'd like to explore...." the other would want to also. I have historically hated camping. Carol wanted to go camping. I dug inside myself, found why I disliked it, fixed some of it with good camping gear and the rest with rethinking my viewpoints and we had a great time camping. That's just us. So when I got interested in M/s it was sort of a given that she would also.

B) We already trusted each other enough for M/s
Carol and I made "anything" bets (and still do). The loser in an anything bet has to do "anything" (yup, think literally). If you have enough trust and respect for your partner to do that then you already have ample for a TPE authority dynamic.

C) It fits our default personality traits
I've always been the "natural born leader" type... rising to positions of influence and power in whatever situations I find myself in (think modestly, I'm not a senator or a CEO). Carol, in her own words, "prefers to defer". So you got a natural born leader and follower hooked up in a good marriage. Obviously some form of authority structure makes sense. In point of fact, I'd always been the boss and I had been controlling and molding Carol from within a few hours of meeting her. It's just who we are.

For us it just wasn't that hard. We picked a joint goal. We locked hands. Then we set off marching towards that goal... as a team. How can you go wrong? If, at some point, we find we don't like this journey then I'll just pick a different goal and we'll start marching there... as a team. What made it all work for us is that we love our marriage and our partner more than ourselves. Really, when you start with that it's hard to go wrong no matter what you do. Everything becomes just a team experiment which either works for the team or it does not. If not, then find something new fun thing to experiment with.

ps: I'm flattered DarkSteven.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to jc26)

Post #: 11

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 3:27:33 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jc26

I try to be as submissive as possible in all aspects of our daily routine, and sexually also, I've asked for spanking but it isn't his thing. I always please him sexually regardless if I get pleased afterward or not. We've been together a long long time so being this way from pretty much day 1.

I'm too shy and/or embarrassed to be more direct but love all of your advice

So then what's the problem? Are you talking about the kinky sex then? If that's the issue and he's not into it then you have a few choices....

1. Talk to him and see if he will allow an open marriage to get your strange on.
2. Be happy in your relationship as it is.
3. Divorce and move on.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to jc26)

Post #: 12

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 4:10:01 PM

jc26

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/6/2013
Status: offline

I guess the issue is that I am not being TOLD to do it all?I just do it naturally? I'm not sure. and Yes definitely the kinky sex is a HUGE aspect for me. I'd never do #1 or #3 in your list because of sexual satisfaction. I am working on attempting to vocalize my needs but as I said before I am super shy about it.

Thanks JeffBC for sharing your story, It sounds like it all fell into place for you guys. That is so fortuitous for you both =)

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 13

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 4:23:52 PM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

Well, if you're not getting the s&m you'd like, if you've asked him and he said no, and he enjoys being the dominant one then you could always try bratting a little to see if that makes him inclined to playfully punish you.

By this I mean - withdraw the submission, challenge him a little, say no, satisfy yourself sexually and then roll over with a 'goodnight' and see what he does. It certainly can't hurt.

(in reply to jc26)

Post #: 14

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 5:10:39 PM

freedomdwarf1

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Joined: 10/23/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

Well, if you're not getting the s&m you'd like, if you've asked him and he said no, and he enjoys being the dominant one then you could always try bratting a little to see if that makes him inclined to playfully punish you.

By this I mean - withdraw the submission, challenge him a little, say no, satisfy yourself sexually and then roll over with a 'goodnight' and see what he does. It certainly can't hurt.

I wouldn't say that was good advice.

I know in my case (and I'm sure in Jeff's case too), that would be a deal-breaker.
It would be a case of 'don't let the door hit your ass on the way out".

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)

Post #: 15

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 5:34:48 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

It sounds like you like the fantasy of being told to do something and that's pretty typical for a lot of people. I would say then that your only choice is to talk to him about what you want and hope that he understands but be aware, if someone has to constantly tell you to do something, after awhile they're gonna get very frustrated and aggravated by it.

As for the kinky sex, like I said, all you can do is talk to him about it and hope he will try it. If not then you're SOL.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 16

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 5:50:29 PM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

I personally don't like the idea of using bribery. "If you don't do this or that, then I'm just going to please myself. "
It just seems selfish to me. You've entered into a relationship based on one way then decide you want to go another way. I find it wrong to expect them to change along with you. You either learn together or, if he won't, decide if you want to continue the marriage as it started or get out if you find you can't be happy with your partner.
Additionally, it's not going to give you what it is you want, which is him being in charge.

What seemed to work more effectively, at least in my case, is the opposite. Maybe try pleasuring him, just him, for a week straight and see what that gets you.
It's amazing what a week full of blow jobs can inspire.
After taking care of his needs so much, and throwing in "You know, if you ever want x, y, or z you can have it..."
Eventually, mine just started taking it. Then commanding it. Then forcing it.
Nothing happened magically overnight at the snap of a finger.

As far as the shy part, that's me as well. That's where the moving slowly helps. Not just for him, but for you also.

(in reply to jc26)

Post #: 17

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 6:14:14 PM

incubusboy

Posts: 16
Joined: 8/4/2013
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I have said for years that the only real difference between kinky & vanilla people is that kinky people say, out loud, in specifics, and so their partner can hear them, what they want to do and how. Vanilla people want many of the same things and HOPE their partners will guess and do it without being told. So kinky people get to do what they want or know the reason why, and vanilla people do everything the same way over and over until they are dead.

I'll say one other, important thing OP. If you can't tell your husband what you feel and what you want, straight out, knowing YOU will be accepted regardless of whether he agrees, then he is not your husband and you are not married, except in the mere legal sense. Marriage is a lot more than being roommates who sleep together. Look at the vows. It is unconditional acceptance and affirmation of one's partner. If you can't expect, let alone rely, on being accepted unconditionally, you are not married.

And don't tell me it's about shyness. Shyness is nothing but sheer vanity, a preoccupation with oneself at everyone else's expense. If your silence is causing the strain on your "marriage" you describe, then only you are responsible, and the solution is on the tip of your tongue, every moment of every day.

How to begin? Sit down and make a list of 50, no 100 sentences, each one beginning with "I want." Be candid and entirely selfish in this list. It's about revealing yourself, not being "fair."

Second, approach the subject in positive terms, not negative. Not, "I'm not happy, but if you would spank me and fuck my ass while I cry, I would be happier." No, instead, it's "I love our love making, and (get that? AND, not BUT.) I think it can be even better. I want to try some new things with you." If he gives half a shit about you, he will WANT to try things you want to do. Feel free to say, "Do this for me."

Third, pay attention to what HE says about things he might like to try. Take an interest in the kind of porn he likes. (Offer to blow him while he watches it, too, but also watch with him.) If you want his attention on your kinks, keep your attention on HIS, too.

And so forth. But the MAIN thing is ALWAYS to be out loud and up front about what you want. Otherwise, it is perfectly legitimate for him to believe you have ll you want, and do nothing to grow with you.

When you say you "can't" ask (which is a lie), you give up all hope of what you claim to want.

Good luck!

(in reply to theshytype)

Post #: 18

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 6:26:34 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

great post incubusboy! Fantastic!

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Post #: 19

RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla - 8/31/2013 6:50:44 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You've been together for years but you're afraid to talk honestly with him.
Why?

Does he tend to be cruel about things you like that he doesn't? Does he put you down?
Are you afraid to ask to see a movie that isn't a typical action flick?

Right now, you're making it impossible for this to happen. Because you won't talk to him and be honest about what you need.

He isn't a mind reader. It isn't infectious so he won't 'catch' it from you. And you are denying him the chance to think of himself as the world's greatest lover by not asking for what you need. You really think he'll be upset if you asked him for something and doing it gave you 30 orgasms? Instead of not asking for it and not having any? Has he said he wants you to be unsatisfied and he really wants you to fantasize about other men instead of enjoying sex with him?

Fix the communication issues first. Make changes to the relationship so you're both secure instead of insecure.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 20

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