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incubusboy -> RE: success in finding BDSM through vanilla (8/31/2013 6:14:14 PM)
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I have said for years that the only real difference between kinky & vanilla people is that kinky people say, out loud, in specifics, and so their partner can hear them, what they want to do and how. Vanilla people want many of the same things and HOPE their partners will guess and do it without being told. So kinky people get to do what they want or know the reason why, and vanilla people do everything the same way over and over until they are dead.
I'll say one other, important thing OP. If you can't tell your husband what you feel and what you want, straight out, knowing YOU will be accepted regardless of whether he agrees, then he is not your husband and you are not married, except in the mere legal sense. Marriage is a lot more than being roommates who sleep together. Look at the vows. It is unconditional acceptance and affirmation of one's partner. If you can't expect, let alone rely, on being accepted unconditionally, you are not married.
And don't tell me it's about shyness. Shyness is nothing but sheer vanity, a preoccupation with oneself at everyone else's expense. If your silence is causing the strain on your "marriage" you describe, then only you are responsible, and the solution is on the tip of your tongue, every moment of every day.
How to begin? Sit down and make a list of 50, no 100 sentences, each one beginning with "I want." Be candid and entirely selfish in this list. It's about revealing yourself, not being "fair."
Second, approach the subject in positive terms, not negative. Not, "I'm not happy, but if you would spank me and fuck my ass while I cry, I would be happier." No, instead, it's "I love our love making, and (get that? AND, not BUT.) I think it can be even better. I want to try some new things with you." If he gives half a shit about you, he will WANT to try things you want to do. Feel free to say, "Do this for me."
Third, pay attention to what HE says about things he might like to try. Take an interest in the kind of porn he likes. (Offer to blow him while he watches it, too, but also watch with him.) If you want his attention on your kinks, keep your attention on HIS, too.
And so forth. But the MAIN thing is ALWAYS to be out loud and up front about what you want. Otherwise, it is perfectly legitimate for him to believe you have ll you want, and do nothing to grow with you.
When you say you "can't" ask (which is a lie), you give up all hope of what you claim to want.
Good luck!
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