Gauge
Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
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This is a Fast Reply:
OK, you got good advice. Therapy.
If there is a real problem with finding someone that is understanding of kink then don't mention it. You sound intelligent enough to explain your feelings without using BDSM terminology. So, if you will indulge me, I will show you what I mean by rewriting your original post.
quote:
I have broken up with my x-dom and been 1.5 yrs without him now. When I was with him, it was a 24/7 thing.
But during my time with him, for some reason, he had always drill in my head that all other doms are evil, the nicer they seem, the more distrustful I need to be of them, he would tell me how many doms are not into consensual slavery but are totally into the real thing and they'll be nice at first and then later they'd blackmail and make you into a real non-consensual slave. And infact he always drilled into me that if I left him, I should just stick to vanilla men for my own safety. It does not help that another dom I trusted alot and was friends for a long time turn out to be one of these "evil doms" he talks about, who tried to blackmail me.
I broke up with my boyfriend a year and a half ago. During that time he convinced me that all other men except him are evil and are out to use me and take advantage of me. He told me that I would only ever be safe with him. He also told me that other men were not to be trusted.
quote:
And so..., I don't know what it is now. It's like every dom I meet, even though he seem nice, I just feel this unreasonable distrustful feeling. And I can't explain it. It's probably why I am still only actually getting into bed with vanilla guys and not doms. And the thing is, my x-dom went beyond what regular people will do to make me feel safe when I first met him and even after, I've always felt super safe and secure with him, like I know he'll never go too far and do anything non-consensual, and his like a totally super safety physical welfare person, he practices so many safety measures to make sure I never get hurt. I don't think I will ever meet anybody like him ever again. And he just knows what his doing with everything.
I have tried dating other men, but somehow I always have this feeling that I am unable to trust them because of what my boyfriend said. My ex-boyfriend went out of his way to make me feel safe and secure. He was very protective of me and so I felt very comfortable with him. What is strange is that I do not think that anyone will ever care for me the same way ever again. I felt like he knew exactly the way to keep me happy and now I don't think anyone else is capable of measuring up to him.
quote:
It seems like every new dom I meet do not feel the need to assure me or make me feel safe with him first. Like they just assume, I'm someone's 24/7 sub before, so this is normal for me, so like, I don't know, and I get so paranoid and feel unable to feel comfortable with them which of course spoils the possibility of getting to know them further, because once I feel uncomfortable, I start ignoring them and not want to see them again.
My ex-boyfriend conditioned me so well, because I now compare every man I meet to him, that it has ruined any dating or relationship I am seeking. Once I get uncomfortable with someone I shut down and break off any contact. I am not sure if that is rational or not, because my ex convinced me that he was the only man for me.
quote:
But before I met my x-dom, it was a whole different experience, it was like I was meeting so many potential doms that I would have been happy to play with and I didn't feel this fear, except I chose my x-dom because I don't know, you can call it love at first chat or I don't know, I felt so connected to him from first chat, and then meeting him, he was like a dom right out of my dreams, physical appearance wise and personality too. So I think I have been mind fucked big time somehow during my time with him, so I can never be with any other doms again because this irrational fear is plaguing me. And also why I seem to be going into bad streak of meeting so-called "freaky" doms, maybe it's me and not them. My brain is screwed. On the other hand, am meeting vanilla men who treats me the way a very good vanilla man would treat a lady, they have been fabulous, except I am missing the "nasty" in the bedroom and the mental games a dom would usually do.
This irrational fear of never finding someone to treat me the way he treated me is destroying my ability to be as intimate as I want with potential partners. I like the man to be in charge and to control me sexually but my fear always stops me from being able to let go of myself and try to get close to them.
quote:
The other thing I have been mind-fucked is the way I wear my cunt. And I'm calling it cunt, something he taught me too, I never used to call it that. But I used to get into tears, and big fights and big begging with him about him forcing me to wear it the style he wants, because he knows I hate it. But it's crazy because I have grown to love it now and am still wearing it that way. His kinda like been drilling all those times about how my cunt belongs to him and only he is allowed to dictate how to style it. And like..., I've been unable to go back to my old self and wear it the way I used to wear it and love it, which is completely bald. I've been still grooming it exactly the way he likes it, which is absolutely crazy. But it's like, I am preferring it that way now. I did try to make it bald again, to see if I can just drop this craziness, but I just can't stand it bald anymore and then grew it back. When I've loved it bald all my life since I hit puberty which is driving me nuts how could this be happening?
My ex-boyfriend controled me to the point that he made me change things about the way I groom myself, from the way I dress to the way I wear my hair. He even changed the way I prefer to groom my private parts even though I had loved the way I kept myself before I got involved with him. I fear that I have totally lost my identity because of this man and I am terrified that I will never be able to go back to the way I want to be.
quote:
My x-dom was also a trained interrogator in the military. I know they mind fuck people to give up information. And on a conscious level when he deals with me as a dom when we were together, I notice how he plants seeds and play mind games with me all the time to get what he wants. But I enjoyed the manipulation in that relationship, just not liking the residue effect since we are no longer together.
My ex-boyfriend was a trained military interrogator. I feel that he used his training to destroy who I am and what I want. I think that I can no longer trust anyone because he convinced me that I couldn't. I feel trapped and alone because he isolated me and I have no idea how to get myself out of this situation.
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Of course some things might be a little better worded but you get the general idea. Notice that I only very generally mentioned your preference to be controlled?
What happened to you was abusive. He systematically took your identity away from you and replaced it with what he wanted. He took away your ability to confide or trust in anyone but him. You saw him as your savior. In other words, he did use his military training on you. They are trained to break down their subject and to make their subject believe that the only one that cares about them and is worthy of their trust is the one who is trying to extract information from them. They basically destroy everything that is natural to a human being and replace it with a new set of rules and beliefs. His actions involving every detail of your life right on down to you shaving yourself was a tactic to make you depend on him and to actually want to please him. He made you love the changes even though you never wanted them or discussed your desire to make them happen... he forced you to want and love them.
His tactics really are not what a dominant should be doing. Completely breaking down a submissive and creating an atmosphere where the personality and trust of the submissive are all but destroyed is harmful. You were masterfully deconstructed and replaced with what you have now... and that is obviously not what you expected or wanted to happen... nor should it have happened.
So, yes, therapy. You do not have to mention your kink at all. And if you perhaps hint around it in very general terms your therapist might begin to ask you a little more about it. Those answers should then be carefully thought about and expressed in general terms. Over time you can reveal a little more if you believe that your therapist is open to it, if not, keep it basic and only centered around the abusive relationship you were in.
You could break out of this on your own, but I am not sure that is the wisest thing to do. You need to be "reprogrammed" to understand what happened to you and how it has taken control of your life now. In the meantime, if you can get a copy of The Loving Dominant by John Warren, you will learn a little about what BDSM is about and understand that your experience is not what it is we do.
I wish you the very best.
< Message edited by Gauge -- 9/19/2013 2:52:47 PM >
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"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick
I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.
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