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..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/17/2013 10:48:03 PM

tallandsweet16

Posts: 72
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline

dear Sirs--

after my first day on this site i am feeling flustered. as you can see by my profile, i'm new to this whole scene. i haven't tried to hide that fact. i'm eager to learn to please, and i truly feel as though i am a submissive in my heart. ... i feel a NEED to serve and seek approval.

with that being said. i thought i had found one or two lovely connection possibilities...when i expressed my nervousness or maybe didn't act in a way a submissive should--i was belittled. i was told 1) maybe that's why i can't find a man. and 2) how can i be successful in my business/career pursuits when i am so horrible at flirting on the phone.

am i misunderstood that a true Dom and or Master would yes, exploit my deficiencies but also help me grow? learn? understand the true meaning and way to be His submissive? am i misunderstood that a true Dom would not be a bully or belittle me in my ignorance or inexperience in these pursuits? am i misunderstood in that a true Dom would challenge me, stretch me, help me grow in a firm, demanding, yet caring/non degrading way?

it's possible that i'm very misunderstood. and i am open to that criticism/feedback...but i would rather not be the brunt of a bully or somebody who thinks that by putting me down, i will grow...

with respect, Sirs...
tall & sweet.

Post #: 1

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/17/2013 11:10:10 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

First off, when people call themselves "true" anything, they are blowing smoke. People may call themselves dom or sub, master or slave but this is the internet, expect there will be lies. Secondly, you are new and clueless and by that I am not insulting you, I am explaining that because you are new, you are a target for horndogs out for some flesh. Third, you will need to develop somewhat of a thick skin. There are many out there who will tell you you are bad, not sub, not what ever if you are not falling into their game.

And finally, it might be better to broaden your horizon (Sirs), and ask questions here from all. Trust me that you will hear a lot more on the realities of being new here from the women than you will from the men.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

Post #: 2

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/17/2013 11:18:48 PM

SoulAlloy

Posts: 2106
Joined: 8/23/2009
From: Preston, UK
Status: offline

In short, to my mind, no you're not misunderstanding generally - unless you were insulting them I see little reason for insults to be thrown at you (unless you told him you were into humiliation and he was testing the waters... Though if he was I'd feel it was a bit quick for a first phone call)

However, I would say by and large you are responsible for your own growth too, not just your partner to be when that occurs. Sub you may be but hell you still get to choose what person you want to be with.

And finally - 'tis only day one - as in all life you meet people who are idiots and people who are amazing, the adventure is just beginning

_____________________________

"Better to be a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without" - Confucius

"It'll be alright in the end - if it isn't alright, it's not the end." - unknown

Kinky crossdressing Whovian

Host of the Preston (UK) Munch, 2nd Wednesday each month

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

Post #: 3

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/17/2013 11:19:32 PM

tallandsweet16

Posts: 72
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline

missokyst-- excellent feedback, which i will certainly employ. thank you, kindly, for taking the time to respond.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 4

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/17/2013 11:21:23 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Well, I'm out.

I'm a Dominant and I'm here to tell you that just because I happen to be doesn't mean that I feel a responsibility towards your personal growth. You're a chick who happened to sign up to a website.

Do you happen to be a member of yahoo, AOL, or MSN? Do you feel a certain affinity to anybody who has signed up to those services in the last 24 hours? Why are you more special here than somebody who signed up there?

You got emails because you were on the fresh meat list. That's probably about it.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

Post #: 5

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/17/2013 11:31:37 PM

tallandsweet16

Posts: 72
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline

lady pact--
thank you, as well, for your insight. you bring up excellent and challenging points for me to consider. i certainly didn't mean to imply that anyone was responsible for my growth. i was more disheartened by somebody being insulting to me, personally, when i was unclear how i was expected to proceed.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 6

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/17/2013 11:31:57 PM

Masterlikes31

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline

First off, anyone who claims to be a dom should know that taking on someone who is new and wanting to learn is a process. If they are belittling you, or insulting you..they are only looking for one thing. Do not jump at the first one who messages you. Email for a few days and make sure they know what they are doing. Also, make sure you two are compatible. If they ask for nudes the first day..pretty obvious. Then if they are trying to force you to do things you've never done..red flag. Take your time, there is no rush. The right one will find you.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 7

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/17/2013 11:33:26 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

You've been given some good advice. My suggestion would be to wait 6 months before seriously beginning to look for a Dominant. That will give you time to read and learn. By then you won't be so naïve. Also, some Dominants will try to put you into what they call a collar of consideration. This means you are off the market while the Dominant is probably looking around to see if he can find something better. If that collar of consideration makes you feel all fluffy, then accept one. Just realize it's probably not worth much unless you are also putting the Dominant under consideration.

Another thing is that people online will try to get you to do activities, or have chats about subjects you are not comfortable doing with a stranger. If it doesn't feel right, then it isn't. Don't believe anyone who tells you that you are not submissive enough if you will not do those things. Until you actually meet a great Dominant face to face, get to know him, and agree to be his, you are free to do as you please. You do not have to be submissive to or obey every Dom, Dick, or Hairy online.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

Post #: 8

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/17/2013 11:40:05 PM

tallandsweet16

Posts: 72
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline

peppermint-- very much appreciated.

it sounds like, from the majority of responses--i need to cool my jets and take my time. will do. thank you all for taking the time to respond.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 9

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 12:21:03 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16
lady pact--
thank you, as well, for your insight. you bring up excellent and challenging points for me to consider. i certainly didn't mean to imply that anyone was responsible for my growth. i was more disheartened by somebody being insulting to me, personally, when i was unclear how i was expected to proceed.

I promise you that I'm not trying to insult you.

Certain people will try to take advantage of the fact that you do not know how to proceed. You don't have to rely on that and you most certainly do not have to rely on the cesspool that is the other side. A number of which wouldn't know what an education was if it slapped them in the face.

I'd like to encourage you to have a look through the "BDSM book list" that is a sticky at the top of this forum. It's not the only way, but it is one way to learn.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

Post #: 10

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 1:17:33 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

When you first make a profile on CM, literally you're fresh meet and the wannabes and predators will be out in droves. Seriously, you don't know enough to behaving phone conversation with anyone.

The advice to wait six months is good. During the meantime, get a hold of the (non-fiction) book list, get involved in your local community, explore and learn.

Make friends with other female subs who can help mentor you.

Beware of 'sub frenzy' which is an uncontrollable urge to sub to just about anybody -- that results in some very poor decision making.

_____________________________

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

Post #: 11

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 2:45:34 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

You are not wrong in what you are seeking, but it sounds like you are a little bit naive in the ways of the internet.

Quick primer:
The internet is full of horny dudes. Some horny women too, but a heck of a lot more horny men. Some of those men, both kinky and non-kinky, are looking to get off right at this moment.
You sign up for a kink site which, inevitably, attracts a large number of horny men. There are more guys that women here, and more guys looking for quick sex than women, so they quickly exhaust their options. Luckily the site shows a list of new people signing up, so they can jump right in and try their luck with a fresh audience - that's you. Since you admit you are new and don't know much, they tell you their version of how the world works, which boils down to 'I ticked the 'dominant' box and you ticked the 'submissive' box therefore you owe me instant obedience and sex'. They count on getting in before you learn any better and staking a claim. Connection or not, misunderstanding or not, these are not the people you are looking for. They are not out there looking for a meaningful relationship in which both parties grow and explore their dominant or submissive tastes. They are looking for nudie pics and phone sex. So don't feel bad for one moment that they say you're doing it wrong - they're shopping for apples and you're selling oranges.

As a general rule, the more people tell you about the 'one true way' or how things 'must' be for subs, the less grip on reality they actually have. D/s relationships are still relationships. You still have to be compatible in more than the bedroom for it to work. You still have to care about each other.

There are tons of us here in D/s relationships and we are not interchangable - I couldn't suddenly go and sub for LadyPact, for example, because we 'do' D/s in different ways. If you tried to tell her, or me, that we were doing it wrong, we'd laugh. So when people tell you that you're doing it wrong, laugh. Take some time to figure out who you are and what you want. Read extensively. Talk to people - doms, subs, switches, kinksters etc and get all perspectives.

Nothing wrong with wanting a partner to take a nurturing role. Here's a secret - even when two people have experience of D/s, it doesn't mean they will be able to jump right into obeying. They still have to get to know each other and work out the unique way their personalities interact. The image in their heads of how the relationship will look will almost certainly have to change and adapt to meet reality. What you are imaging is your perfect relationship will change. Even if you find the ideal dom for you, there will be hiccups, there will be things that you don't like even though they sounded great, there will be times you have to sit down and say 'these rules aren't working, what shall we do?'

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

Post #: 12

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 3:38:20 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I am a true DarkSteven. There is nobody in this world who is as great at being DarkSteven as I am. After that, the notion of trueness kinda gets wobbly.

Your problem is that your profile says "I'm new!", and you expected that helpful people would come to advise a newbie. Instead, all kinds of Horny Net Geeks (HNGs) came out of the woodwork, figuring that such a newbie would be easy prey. My girlfriend AthenaSurrenders above pretty much nailed a lot of the HNGs on the site and the concept of trueness.

Not that this is the only way to do things, but my own approach when I was single was:

1. Open up with a vanilla comment about the profile. Your profile is amazingly simple - it states that you do investments and love your job, that you love music and athletics, and naturally dancing as well. My first message to you would touch upon one of those, or ask about how being six feet tall has been (something I'll never know, dammit), or ask about Kansas.
2. The vanilla conversation would tell me what someone is like, as well as whether our conversational styles mesh. If she has a lot of complaints or anger, or tries to take over the conversation, or doesn't seem intelligent, I'll get out. Otherwise, I'll ask why she considers herself a submissive - What is it for you? Is it the trust? The higher level of intimacy? Being the focus of attention during play? Giving over control after a day at work? Is it a play thing, or does it extend outside the bedroom? Or is it simply that you like spanking and bondage?

If her vanilla and kink needs and mine mesh, then I'll push on. At worst, I'll have gotten a pleasant conversation.

Oh, yeah - almost anyone in the forums will be a good source of information, without hidden agendas. Those who message you, will likely be wanting something from you.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 10/18/2013 3:39:01 AM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 13

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 4:56:01 AM

Needsguidance225

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/28/2013
Status: offline

This is my first post as I am also new to the site and have been sitting back and observing for a couple of weeks. This is what I have found, and this is how I am handling it, if a Dom jumps right into what are my limits (which I have no idea of) or sexual talk I mentally toss them out, obviously they haven't read my profile. If they try to understand who I am two points for them. It seems unlike regular sites we are in the majority and a rare commodity. It also seems the true seekers hold back realizing we are going to get bombarded by the others just looking to get their rocks off. Though patience is not one of my strong suits, I think we need some here, as I am sure I have pissed off a couple of so called Doms already. My advice is don't be a doormat unless that turns you on.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 14

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 5:14:10 AM

tallandsweet16

Posts: 72
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline

oh my gosh. i woke up this morning to all of this amazing advice and i am ever so grateful. thank you, thank you. and DarkSteven-- hearing your perspective, specifically, was enlightening.

thank you, all, for taking the time to guide me. i look forward to learning and growing.

and to needsguidance225---good luck to you, hon. good luck to us both! :)

(in reply to Needsguidance225)

Post #: 15

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 5:23:23 AM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

My method has always been to laugh at them and tell them to fuck off if they ever tried that instant submission crap. Works every time.
Edited to add....but then again I'm not sweet or tall. 8)

< Message edited by petitespot -- 10/18/2013 5:25:38 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

Post #: 16

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 5:31:56 AM

Needsguidance225

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/28/2013
Status: offline

petitespot really, I told one that if he didn't like my answers to move on thought he would have a coronary. And op that you I think we are going to need that luck.

(in reply to petitespot)

Post #: 17

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 5:35:23 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

I'm getting a strong impression that you'll be just fine. You seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders (when I eventually noticed that you had a head - oh my!).

I can't add much to the great advice that the others have posted, but here are a couple of things that might be repetitive, but are worth repeating anyhoo..

1) Until you choose to submit to a Dom, he ain't your dom, he's a dude on the interweb. If he's not smart enough to figure that one out, then he's not for you

2) Of course you may have to compromise a little in terms of preferences, outlook, etc to find your perfect match, but don't you dare compromise your happiness and fulfilment young lady!

3) As peppermint said... be prepared for it to take a while. Initially your newness (and fabulous boobs) will get you a lot of mail from the less than ideal types, but you'll quickly figure out how to detect the tosspots from the potential matches.

4) Can I suggest you update your profile text just a bit - Talk a little about yourself, and what you hope for in a relationship. That'll be really useful for the genuine guys that will be able to move their eyes beyond your delicious profile pic.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

Post #: 18

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 5:54:17 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16
i thought i had found one or two lovely connection possibilities...

What did you find "lovely" about those possibilities?

You might not be using great man-choosing criteria.

Not defending those guys, but I've definitely been in situations where sub women rejected me for not being enough of an asshole. It's a real thing. In one situation, we had already played some and were friends, and I said, "What? I can be more asshole-y to you then, not a problem." She responded, "No you can't. Any woman you are with you will treat like gold. I need more emotional risk." End of argument; she was right, and no more spanky spanky for me.

How clear are you about who you are and what you're looking for? Also: are you attracted to men who are healthy for you?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

Post #: 19

RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/18/2013 6:03:09 AM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Needsguidance225

petitespot really, I told one that if he didn't like my answers to move on thought he would have a coronary. And op that you I think we are going to need that luck.

Coronaries are fun! I also like to delete unread when they get really annoying. That always sends them over the edge bigtime.
It's like poking them with a big stick.

_____________________________

(in reply to Needsguidance225)

Post #: 20

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