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AthenaSurrenders -> RE: very new (10/30/2013 7:55:22 AM)
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Why are the rules hard to remember?
- Do you not fully understand them? It's hard to stick to things which don't make sense to us. Ask to spend an evening going over everything in detail.
- Are they pointless rules? It's easy to remember to buy his brand of soda, or to do the dishes, or to give him a massage, because you can see the point and the effect these things have. If you have tons and tons of rules which feel like they were just made up for the sake of having rules, it's much harder to keep them in mind. If you're still struggling after a year, perhaps it's time for you both to sit down and figure out WHY these rules are in place - how do they make his life better? If you can understand the need you're more likely to remember. If they don't have a need, perhaps it's time to reconsider whether you should have them, or if they just cause unnecessary stress.
- Are you just a disorganised person? This is an easy fix. Put things in a diary, set alerts on your phone and computer, put sticky notes in places - have him help you figure out solutions and make sure you practice them until they become habit
- Are you trying to break old habits? It's really, really tough to change things you do without thinking about it. If this is what's happening he might just need to be patient and again, help you find ways to remember. For example, perhaps he wanted you to stop biting your nails. You could make sure you always have a nail file handy, and use bitter nail polish, and have him clear his throat to remind you if you are about to put your fingers in your mouth. Tons of things like this can help.
- Do you just not care enough? This could come about from any of the above problems, or because you don't respect him, or aren't getting your needs met in the relationship. It's hard to care if you don't feel cared about. This one requires some soul searching and some honesty. Only you know if you are giving this 100% and only you know if you are happy in the relationship. Constantly being told that you have failed is demoralising. Perhaps his style of dominance doesn't suit your needs. He sounds like a micromanager, with tons of rules. Perhaps that feels stifling for you and you are pushing back against it? Or perhaps he is giving you rules and not supporting you to learn how to do them right? Think hard. The only fix to this is open communication and both people really working hard to fix it.
- Are the rules unreasonable? Is there just not enough time in the day to do everything he requires? Do you have a high stress job and his rules interfere with you getting your work done? Is he expecting you to carry out difficult tasks that you never learned how to do? Again, you need to be honest with yourself about where you are slacking off and where things are really not reasonable. Then you need to talk with him about it. Both people should be getting what they need in this relationship. If he's asking things that you genuinely can't comply with, then you're doomed to fail.
- Is he setting you up to fail? Does he enjoy doling out punishments? Is he looking for excuses to punish you and then have kinky sex? This is a common newbie mistake. If he wants to do spanking and have fun times, he should be able to do that without making you fail at something first - he's the dom, so he can spank you whenever he likes. If you suspect he's deliberately making things difficult so he can punish you, you need to let him know how that makes you feel. I know I would find it depressing to be constantly told I'm not good enough. I say this happens a lot with new people - that can also be because the dominant might think he isn't dom unless he's constantly making rules and giving out beatings, which simply isn't true. If he's the boss, he's the dom, even if he never barks orders.
- Are you failing on purpose? Either because you enjoy the punishment or the attention, or because you think that's how these relationships 'should' be? If so I'm sure you're learning that this gets old really fast.
- Are they rules which are making you unhappy? If you were totally new to this when you got with him, chances are you didn't know your limits or what you needed from the relationship. Just because you're the sub doesn't mean you never get another chance to say what you need. A decent dominant will understand that as you learn more about yourself and about D/s, things will change and need to be renegotiated. Perhaps it's time to do that now.
- Is it just too much, too soon? I'm guessing not, since this is a year on and that should be plenty of time to learn all the rules. On the other hand, if there are hundreds and you were expected to know from day one, he has an unrealistic idea of what most people are capable of.
Will it get easier? Not unless you figure out the reason you are struggling.
Here's a pro tip. You are a team. You are both on the same side. If something isn't working, you both get your hands dirty to fix it. The relationship is only working when both of you are getting what you need. It sounds to me like he is saying 'not good enough' and you don't know how to fix it. You BOTH need to sit down and work out a solution. Being the dom doesn't excuse him from working on this with you. Nor does it excuse him from making compromises. Sometimes the fantasy D/s relationship in our heads doesn't work with a real live person. If he won't work with you or compromise, then I humbly suggest that the two of you are not on the same team, and the relationship isn't going to get any better. Do NOT keep score of who did what, or how a 'real' sub/dom acts, or who got their own way more times - the moment you start scoring points off each other, you are on opposing teams.
There is a strong argument for 'submit'. In general, I agree, if you want to be the submissive, you actually have to submit to what he wants. But if after a year you still can't keep track of all his rules, something isn't working and it needs to be fixed before you go any further. Perhaps it's your communication style, but you are giving me the impression that you are supposed to do all the work to solve this problem because you are the sub, and if so, maybe you need to step out of the sub role and talk about this as equals.
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