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How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 12:01:45 PM

TheWriter13

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For some reason when I watch BDSM porn online and see this so called humiliation I get aroused yet no matter what humiliating act I see I still feel like nothing could be more humiliating then telling my girlfriend I like bondage. I mean when I think about it I think I'd rather be flogged and beaten in public than tell the girl I love I want to treated like a dog and also dominate her from time to time.

I think whether you are top or a bottom it can be the most humiliating thing to tell someone your most intimate desires. That being said I'm curious how do you tell someone your kinky?

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 12:08:12 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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I don't know how you got into this relationship without being honest.

I guess, at this point I'd just tell her there are things you haven't told her for fear of rejection. And you need her to listen open-mindedly. That it's fine if she doesn't share your desires but being hurtful is not okay. Although why you would get into a relationship with someone who is hurtful about things she dislikes, I also don't know.

In addition to telling her what you want, you also need to make it clear that you want to know her deep secrets. That you may not be able to fulfill them, but you are open and accepting to hearing them.

In general though I recommend not having sex with people you can't talk to about it first.

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 12:08:16 PM

angelikaJ

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You could give them this:
When Someone You Love is Kinky

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 12:09:42 PM

SlipSlidingAway

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It's called communication. You tell her with sensitivity. There really is nothing to be humiliated about. You like what you like. However, since you fear telling her, I am guessing you don't think she shares your kink? There is an excellent chance she never will. You sort of just have to see how the conversation goes and be prepared that it's not likely going to be the easiest conversation you have ever had- and that it might change things between the two of you, drastically.

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 12:15:53 PM

lizi

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There are a lot of areas in a relationship that are potential deal breakers, sexuality is one. Other things like smoking/drinking, religion, wanting children or not, how to deal with money, etc, are things that the two people involved talk over and see where they stand. If there is a wide gulf between them, the relationship typically ends there and cannot move forward. You need to sit down with your girlfriend and explain things to her honestly and openly. I don't know of any special way to do it except to be thoughtful and respectful.

(in reply to TheWriter13)

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 12:16:55 PM

Blonderfluff

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From: Down the Shore
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Well. You've not told us much about your intimate life with your wife. But. If you are too afraid to just blurt it out , maybe try some subtle things in the bedroom. Ie. if you are on top, hold her hands gently together over her head and gauge her response. If she seems to like it, hold them tighter.

Then during pillow talk, tell her how much it excited you to "restrain" her. Who knows. It might lead to just the conversation you need to have.

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 12:24:38 PM

anniezz338

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Take her to a sex shop to pick up some nice fragrant oils and such. I worked in one back in the day and the customers were mainly couples. And be sure to hit the fetish section and look at the bondage rope. Ask her if you can tie her up. She may do the same for you someday.

Anyway, it may lead to a nice evening to break the ice.

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 12:27:10 PM

freedomdwarf1

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Joined: 10/23/2012
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FR~

I have never understood why there are soo many secretive people in the world.
Any decent relationship is built on a foundation of honesty, open communication and transparency.
To me, any secrets are just time-bombs waiting to destroy the relationship.

OP, this might be the most awkward conversation you have ever had in your life.
In my eyes, you have two clear options -
1) Broach the subject, gently, and hope she doesn't go ballistic on you.
2) Stay quiet and hope she never finds out - which could backfire on you later... badly.

One thing I would strongly advise though - cut down on the porn.
BDSM in real life isn't all bondage and kinky sex sessions.
99% of it is mundane vanilla life for most people.

(in reply to SlipSlidingAway)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 12:34:16 PM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheWriter13

I still feel like nothing could be more humiliating then telling my girlfriend I like bondage.

Why? Even the most vanilla couples introduce a little kink into their sex lives to keep things interesting.

Why not take her to your local sex shop (which will probably be a big step for you), and look at some of the fuzzy pink handcuffs and other "bondage" toys? Tell her that you'd like to tie her up, but also let it slip that you think it would be hot if SHE tied YOU up. She'll likely take the hint and run with it. Who knows where it can lead from there.

Just don't do what some overly excited newbies do. PLEASE don't unload all of your fantasies on her at one time. You want to bring her along gradually. She doesn't need to know that you REALLY want her to pee on you, shit in your mouth, and anally rape you with a 12" strap-on once she gets you tied up. For now, let's just stick with the cute furry handcuffs.

(in reply to TheWriter13)

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 12:40:04 PM

sexyred1

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You need to be upfront about sharing these interests. Otherwise you live with a partner where you end up hiding an important part of who you are and to me, that is deceitful.

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 12:59:52 PM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
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quote:

I don't know how you got into this relationship without being honest.

To be fair, it's difficult to be honest with someone if you're not first honest with yourself.

I can relate with the OP. I grew up believing my dreams and thoughts were just that. Fantasies that were too out there to be acceptable as reality. I married (close to the age the OP is) and wasn't until after that I decided it was something I thought I needed and something that was okay to attempt in obtaining.

My husband had already thought me to be kinky and I have always been comfortable discussing anything sexual with him so long as I fully understood the feelings myself.
There are still dreams I don't share with anyone, even my husband. If I'd hear them described from someone else I'd probably think they were wacky, putting it mildly. Not to mention I hardly think it necessary to do so.

As far as the original question, I never came out and said "I'm into BDSM" because I didn't have a name for it. Probably best since there's so many different aspects I would have hated to tell him that and him googling it, just to be completely overwhelmed.
I started off with asking if he had any fantasies then just told him, little by little, things I wanted to try.
Rip off the bandage, get it over with. Just realize there's a possibility she won't be willing to explore it.

(in reply to DesFIP)

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 1:45:34 PM

SailingBum

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Well it really depends how long you've been in a relationship before you tell someone your deep desires. However you seem to feel now is the time. Pretty much any topic can be discussed after sex.

BadOne

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 2:44:44 PM

KnightofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheWriter13

For some reason when I watch BDSM porn online and see this so called humiliation I get aroused yet no matter what humiliating act I see I still feel like nothing could be more humiliating then telling my girlfriend I like bondage. I mean when I think about it I think I'd rather be flogged and beaten in public than tell the girl I love I want to treated like a dog and also dominate her from time to time.

I think whether you are top or a bottom it can be the most humiliating thing to tell someone your most intimate desires. That being said I'm curious how do you tell someone your kinky?

Interesting..... I found sharing my inner most desires with my Alandra to be one of the most empowering things I have ever done! I never saw it as humiliating in the least. Vulnerable and fear of rejection yes.. But humiliating never.

I personally think you need to come to terms with your desires before you start to share it and expose yourself. I know for myself, I wasn't ashamed or embrassed by my desires. But I did appreciate that they are definitely out of the norm of sexuality for most people. I guess if you think your girl friend accepts it it will be easier for you to accept it. I would say most likely the opposite will happen. Her hesitations and fears will just feed your own.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 2:48:19 PM

MasterCaneman

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Easiest way it to just up and tell them, if they bring it up. Don't say it's because you're "bored" or "tired of the same old routine" though. I agree with Sailing Bum's advice to wait until after sex. That way the hormones have been expended and if she bolts in anger, horror, or disgust, you'd at least had that last time together.

With my current SO (eleven years and counting now), I came out with it at the earliest opportunity. I'm jaded as hell, and I've used the scene to weed out the weaklings over the years. Any woman, kinky or not, who willingly chooses to stay with me after getting my response to "what do you REALLY like to do," is a keeper. And my current squeeze accepted it without batting an eye. She told me she wasn't interested in doing those things, we agreed it wasn't a major issue and moved forward.

For the ones who bolted, well, it saved both of us a lot of time and energy to reach that conclusion, and I feel I did them a favor by responding the way I did. To her credit, my GF has accommodated me in other ways (dressing up occasionally, etc), but she was never into the scene nor does she display the slightest interest in it at all. It's not a big enough deal for me to bother hitting the singles scene again.

Be prepared to handle that, and make sure you give yourself an out. If you want to keep her, definitely have a plan B and possibly a plan C and D if she's particularly obstinate.

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Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 3:18:51 PM

sheisreeds

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Start with phrases like:
Sometimes I want . . .
Somtimes I would like you to . . .
Do you have any interest in . . .
Have you ever thought about . . .
Is there anything you fantasize about that you want to bring into the relationship?

Tends to be a good place to start.

Since I've been in relationships I've never really had an issue talking about this stuff, and after the kink fizzled out of my marriage made a point of screening partners for it by the time the relationship seemed to be going somewhere. I'd also make it clear that BDSM was something very important to me in a long term relationship.

With my current relationship hilariously it didn't come up at all until he almost bit a hole through my jeans like the third time we hung out. Then though we had a good long talk about how shit like that should happen all the time. We're still going 5 years later.

< Message edited by sheisreeds -- 10/28/2013 3:20:33 PM >

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 3:34:59 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman

Easiest way it to just up and tell them, if they bring it up. Don't say it's because you're "bored" or "tired of the same old routine" though. I agree with Sailing Bum's advice to wait until after sex. That way the hormones have been expended and if she bolts in anger, horror, or disgust, you'd at least had that last time together.

Personally I think that is about the absolute worse time to tell them! Yeah let's have sex. And then tell them I like it differently! Real smart! I am sure that will make them feel real good! And willing to listen.

The best time to tell anyone anything is when they can be free to respond to what your saying and your there to listen! Also it is not connected to what is happening or will happen immediately or has happened recently. If they feel played or manipulated in the situation your screwed! Regardless if that is the intent or not.

When you initiate a conversation you get to choose when and where. The one to listen doesn't get that choice. All they get to do is make the choice to listen. But if you consistently choose moments that allow them to repond to what you share and you are there listening to them you will them much more open to your thoughts and feelings as well. Remember communication is a two way street. You can't just choose the moment best for you to talk, but the moment you both can listen as well. It makes it much more likly that one will have effective communication instead of just talk!

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 4:02:51 PM

MasterCaneman

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman

Easiest way it to just up and tell them, if they bring it up. Don't say it's because you're "bored" or "tired of the same old routine" though. I agree with Sailing Bum's advice to wait until after sex. That way the hormones have been expended and if she bolts in anger, horror, or disgust, you'd at least had that last time together.

Personally I think that is about the absolute worse time to tell them! Yeah let's have sex. And then tell them I like it differently! Real smart! I am sure that will make them feel real good! And willing to listen.

The best time to tell anyone anything is when they can be free to respond to what your saying and your there to listen! Also it is not connected to what is happening or will happen immediately or has happened recently. If they feel played or manipulated in the situation your screwed! Regardless if that is the intent or not.

When you initiate a conversation you get to choose when and where. The one to listen doesn't get that choice. All they get to do is make the choice to listen. But if you consistently choose moments that allow them to repond to what you share and you are there listening to them you will them much more open to your thoughts and feelings as well. Remember communication is a two way street. You can't just choose the moment best for you to talk, but the moment you both can listen as well. It makes it much more likly that one will have effective communication instead of just talk!

I never said it was good advice now, did I? And it all really depends on how you personally handle the communications aspect of it. Just blurting it all out won't work, but if she gets into a Q&A with me, it will come up, I guarantee that. And I haven't had too many bad responses over the years doing it.

Like I said, it weeds out the weaklings, whether they're into it or not. If they aren't, like my current lady, all well and good. My kinks don't define the whole me I have to offer. If they are, great It really does depend on how you deliver the message, and that's something a person has to learn on their own. No amount of advice from a MB is going to make up for that.

The important thing to remember for the OP is, is it better to conceal your desires and hope it doesn't affect your current relationship or worth the risk in losing what you have in honestly revealing them? No matter how good one is at hiding their true feelings, sooner or later they always come out, and then what do you say? I say that honesty wins, and as long as you use terms like the ones suggested by sheisreeds, you may be pleasantly surprised. If not, well...you tried. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

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Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 4:05:02 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman

Easiest way it to just up and tell them, if they bring it up. Don't say it's because you're "bored" or "tired of the same old routine" though. I agree with Sailing Bum's advice to wait until after sex. That way the hormones have been expended and if she bolts in anger, horror, or disgust, you'd at least had that last time together.

Personally I think that is about the absolute worse time to tell them! Yeah let's have sex. And then tell them I like it differently! Real smart! I am sure that will make them feel real good! And willing to listen.

The best time to tell anyone anything is when they can be free to respond to what your saying and your there to listen! Also it is not connected to what is happening or will happen immediately or has happened recently. If they feel played or manipulated in the situation your screwed! Regardless if that is the intent or not.

When you initiate a conversation you get to choose when and where. The one to listen doesn't get that choice. All they get to do is make the choice to listen. But if you consistently choose moments that allow them to repond to what you share and you are there listening to them you will them much more open to your thoughts and feelings as well. Remember communication is a two way street. You can't just choose the moment best for you to talk, but the moment you both can listen as well. It makes it much more likly that one will have effective communication instead of just talk!

We are just going to have to disagree on this. Of course when telling your partner you need to use tact. Like "Have you ever thought about this"? "Would you like to try that"? Or "Tell me one of your fantasies"? Kinda thing.

Not I'm tired of fucking you this way! Everyone has their own approach. I tend to be tactful in a direct way.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 4:56:19 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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OP, I can't put My finger on it, but there is something about your screen name and this topic that says this isn't the first rodeo. Maybe it was just a hint of something or a whole different thread. Still, I keep thinking it's there.

So, let's talk about how. The "When Someone You Love is Kinky" is a wonderful suggestion. You read it first, make notes of what you feel pertains to you, and then you ask her to read it. My own experience wasn't nearly as organized or well though out. I still consider what I did a version of "verbal vomiting" where it just all came out and "The Talk" didn't happen until after we were married.

As to other comments on the thread about the 'how do you not' part. In My case, the closest I can describe it was that I felt My prior experience was 'relationship specific.' I didn't really have what I'd consider "kinks." I never thought of My prior experiences as linked to fetishes. I wasn't a sadist. There was no B or S or m about the whole thing on My part. I was around the other stuff but My deal was, at best, the D for discipline because it was all about authority and protocol. Since I was, and always have been 'take it or leave it' in this area, I didn't talk about it any more than I discussed the intimate details regarding My activities with My former husband when I talked about it with MP. (For what it's worth, I never sat down and outlined every place any of My exes and I did things like have sex under waterfalls, either.)

For Me, it wasn't really a topic of discussion until it happened to come up. When it did, I sucked at it because I did feel like I was hiding something. Before that, I hadn't really considered it. I had met MP vanilla. Married MP vanilla. Was perfectly content being vanilla. It wasn't some deep seated thing that I was longing for in My day to day life. Probably why I didn't consider it important.

As to the rest of it, KoM and I seem to think a lot alike. Yes, sharing your inner most self is one of the greatest, best bonding things you can ever do with another person. Kinky or not. No matter which side of the slash. It's one of the reasons that I protest when folks try that 'people who engage in kink with each other are deeper, more authentic' blah, blah, blah hogwash that some people try to promote. I could count on one hand the number of times that MP and I interacted in a kink related way with each other. Still, I completely understand that sense of empowerment that KoM mentions and MP and I are 99% + vanilla with each other.

Yeah. No. Don't do this kind of thing (if it's a serious non kink inspired kind of discussion) when somebody is laying there all starry-eyed because you just had sex. That's like taking a person who is in sub space and taking advantage of them about pushing their limits because they are full of endorphins. That's a method you use when you are trying to coax someone, gently, into certain expansions. NOT what you do when "hot" isn't supposed to be a part of the equation and you're giving someone an equal shot at making an informed decision.

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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 7:06:03 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

"you see those handcuffs hanging from the bed? Yeah...they don't belong to a cop".

Seriously, I would just tell them. I never found anything humiliating about it.

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Everything has changed

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