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RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/28/2013 7:37:36 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheWriter13

For some reason when I watch BDSM porn online and see this so called humiliation I get aroused yet no matter what humiliating act I see I still feel like nothing could be more humiliating then telling my girlfriend I like bondage. I mean when I think about it I think I'd rather be flogged and beaten in public than tell the girl I love I want to treated like a dog and also dominate her from time to time.

I think whether you are top or a bottom it can be the most humiliating thing to tell someone your most intimate desires. That being said I'm curious how do you tell someone your kinky?

At this point in literary history, the barriers really are in your own mind. Do this.

1. Buy a copy of 50 Shades.
2. Read it, or at least enough of it to get to a kinky sex scene.
3. Say, "oh girlfriend, light of my life, this was the hottest thing I've ever read. No wonder all the women like this book. How about this? I'll tie you up tonight, and you tie me up tomorrow?"
4. Tie her up and give her 37 orgasms.
5. Get tied up and tell her how wonderful she was at it, and how intimate and close and trusting of her it made you feel.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 21

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/29/2013 3:49:45 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

RedMagic - this is the best idea yet!

Seriously!

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 22

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/29/2013 3:59:45 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

You've gotten some great suggestions here, though I doubt they'll be of any use to you. Your *real* issue is that you haven't come to terms with who you are and what you want. (If you had, you wouldn't feel so humiliated.)

Somehow you have to get yourself to the place where you accept this piece of who you are. Can you do that?

_____________________________

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 23

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/29/2013 4:57:36 AM

TigressLily

Posts: 436
Status: offline

Don't tell him that--she'll be passed out, and he'll miss out on getting tied up!

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

4. Tie her up and give her 37 orgasms.
5. Get tied up and tell her how wonderful she was at it, and how intimate and close and trusting of her it made you feel.

Tsk, tsk Red, you should know better. It's Quality NOT Quantity. I'm spent after 3, and that's WITH Edging. (The most I've ever had is 13 and somewhere about midway through, it all became a blur, and more effort than it was worth. Think downward curve then flatlining.)

That's like the guys who have this mistaken notion that an hour or more of giving face is somehow more sexually satisfying to a woman. No wonder there are actually women (on both sides of the D/s scale) who've posted they don't enjoy receiving oral sex. Those jokers haven't figured out how to break it up into 10-15 minute intervals interspersed between other sexual activities.

ETA: (Then of course there are the 2-5 minute wonders who don't know how to do it at all . . . Those guys are even worse, I would imagine.)

< Message edited by TigressLily -- 10/29/2013 5:09:39 AM >

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 24

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/29/2013 6:34:29 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TigressLily
Tsk, tsk Red, you should know better. It's Quality NOT Quantity.

Clearly I need... more training!

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to TigressLily)

Post #: 25

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/29/2013 7:01:52 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TigressLily
ETA: (Then of course there are the 2-5 minute wonders who don't know how to do it at all . . . Those guys are even worse, I would imagine.)

Two of the biggest advantages of being a Dominant woman. The ability to say

"Knock it off"

and

"You're not done yet."

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to TigressLily)

Post #: 26

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/29/2013 7:54:57 AM

TigressLily

Posts: 436
Status: offline

Clearly you're being coy because I don't believe that for one moment.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Clearly I need... more training!

Isn't that a fact. --v

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Two of the biggest advantages of being a Dominant woman. The ability to say

"Knock it off"

and

"You're not done yet."

Another Mega-Bonus: You don't have to give head ever again if you don't want to.

(Well, birthdays do come around once a year. Do anniversaries & Christmas count?

)

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 27

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/29/2013 10:14:40 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TigressLily

Another Mega-Bonus: You don't have to give head ever again if you don't want to.

Disappointedly crosses TigressLily off the list.

(in reply to TigressLily)

Post #: 28

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/29/2013 11:58:07 AM

thishereboi

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

According to your profile you are a writer and have written things about bdsm. I would find a good one about bondage and let her read it. Then check her reaction and take it from there.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 29

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/29/2013 12:25:15 PM

Domnotlooking

Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline

I usually say, "I like whips and chains and stuff", and then laugh loftily and just let that statement hang out there in the biosphere for a while until I can assess a reaction.

Unless I get lucky dating a clairvoyant, I know that I have to ask for stuff that I want in this bitch of life, just like I have to when I order breakfast down at the Waffle House.

Your reticence may come from strongly sensing that your partner doesn't want to beat your very worthy ass at all.

Statistically, your instinct is probably right. Very, very few women want to beat your very worthy ass.

But the world is indeed full of nice people who had a little gumption, got there head on straight, made a plan, and are currently lolling around in the kink honey pot.

Well, probably not "full" exactly. Maybe .01%.

The number of people who brashly go forth and create the life they really want has always been ultra-low.

But anyone with a little nerve and game can join that sweet demographic cohort.

Good luck. Frank talking and hard choices likely await you in your current deal.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 30

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/29/2013 2:11:12 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

You've gotten some great suggestions here, though I doubt they'll be of any use to you. Your *real* issue is that you haven't come to terms with who you are and what you want. (If you had, you wouldn't feel so humiliated.)

Somehow you have to get yourself to the place where you accept this piece of who you are. Can you do that?

I don't think anyone has proffered this advice yet.... Just do it! Without being to graphic I'm sure you can somehow work into your "routine" a couple slaps on their ass. Or gripping <insert body part here> very firmly and gauging the reaction... Then talking about it later in the post orgasm bliss.

I do think Chatte hit the nail on the head. You are not comfortable in your own skin. You need to work that out first!

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 31

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 10/29/2013 2:28:53 PM

TigressLily

Posts: 436
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

Disappointedly crosses TigressLily off the list.

Perhaps I should have been more specific. I meant BJs. I do like to tease and I'm a sucker (but not that kind) for begging.

I'm still crossed off, aren't I? Figures. Your loss.

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 32

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 11/2/2013 3:57:40 PM

Galacia

Posts: 60
Joined: 7/22/2013
Status: offline

Best to find someone who'se into BDSM.

(in reply to TigressLily)

Post #: 33

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 11/7/2013 9:10:47 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

I think one question that's fair game (i.e. not offensive, not overly threatening) is: Do any kinky things turn you on?

Another question: "Have you read the JOY OF SEX?" Followed by, I did and..... Here you take a mainstream book and dovetail it to what you like.

In the end, talking about sex should not be that different than talking about kinky sex.

-----

For comparison purposes:

A common male fantasy is a threesome with two hot women. No matter how you move this rubric cube, the guy is going to have a very hard time pitching this idea to his girlfriend. Your job, I would argue, is easier than his.

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 34

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 11/7/2013 9:28:06 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheWriter13
I think whether you are top or a bottom it can be the most humiliating thing to tell someone your most intimate desires. That being said I'm curious how do you tell someone your kinky?

I think you are mistaking the words "humiliating" with "vulnerable". Yes, it makes us vulnerable to express our intimate selves. I, however, trust Carol not to turn that vulnerability into humiliation. Carol and I speak about our sexuality in more or less straight-forward and grown-up terms. Yeah, intimacy is always hard so we struggle here and there but in the end "trust" wins out for us.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 35

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 11/7/2013 1:42:21 PM

MikeSubwoofer

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/1/2013
Status: offline

Have you ever asked her about her fantasies? Asked if she has any kinks? I'm hoping you're interested in what she wants as well. In my experience asking my partner was the best way to get this type of conversation going, although I usually ask pretty early on in the relationship so it might be different depending on how long you've been together.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 36

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 11/8/2013 11:44:14 AM

Dyfrynt

Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheWriter13

For some reason when I watch BDSM porn online and see this so called humiliation I get aroused yet no matter what humiliating act I see I still feel like nothing could be more humiliating then telling my girlfriend I like bondage. I mean when I think about it I think I'd rather be flogged and beaten in public than tell the girl I love I want to treated like a dog and also dominate her from time to time.

I think whether you are top or a bottom it can be the most humiliating thing to tell someone your most intimate desires. That being said I'm curious how do you tell someone your kinky?

Your issue has nothing to do with BDSM. That last statement is the root of the problem. Why is it a problem telling someone you love your most intimate desires? That is the question you need to answer for yourself. It is an all too common problem. Telling someone you love your deepest desires, fears, etc., is potentially dangerous. There is the fear of potential rejection. It is also a risk because you open up parts of yourself that could possibly be used against you down the road.

But life is about calculated risks. You never take any you never have to worry. You never get to have the kind of intimacy taking that risk results in as well.

My advice. If admitting your most intimate desires is hard, starting with the BDSM part is jumping right into the deep end of the pool. Start with desires that are not so potentially risky. Surely there are intimate truths about yourself that are easier to share to begin with.

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 37

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 11/9/2013 7:52:18 AM

njbeachboy

Posts: 4
Joined: 5/7/2013
Status: offline

If you're not ready to talk about sex, you're probably not ready to have it.
Read/heard that someplace and it makes a lot of sense to me...

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 38

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 11/9/2013 4:09:48 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

FR

I didn't find it humiliating.
I just told him he could be rougher/I tend to be a bottom...then asked him what he was into and our path followed those interests. I had more experience so I suppose I did a bit of topping from the bottom for a while and found us toys and fun stuff, but we've mostly really grown together.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 39

RE: How do you tell your significant other your into BDSM? - 11/12/2013 3:43:19 PM

Ilyrium

Posts: 189
Joined: 10/2/2013
Status: offline

I don't think it can really be done. But good luck trying.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 40

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