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I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 10:49:57 AM

LadyNeith

Posts: 15
Joined: 10/11/2012
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And not in the good, worshippy kinda way but in the "now that I have ended our arrangement he is desperate and seeks me out and can't function normally anymore"

He built his life around me despite my discouragement of that, and now he is disrespectful of space between us and can't self-motivate. He seems to be putting his energy into different ways to get me back. I'd be flattered except that it's not about "me", in this I am an object. It's all for him. He needs, he wants. Without me HE can't. That sort of thing.

Has something like this ever happened to you? Advice and questions welcome.

Post #: 1

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 11:13:39 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

1) In writing tell him in no uncertain terms to stop contacting you.

2) Cut off all contact

3) If 1 and 2 don't get the message through, file a restraining order.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LadyNeith)

Post #: 2

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 11:15:04 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNeith

And not in the good, worshippy kinda way but in the "now that I have ended our arrangement he is desperate and seeks me out and can't function normally anymore"

He built his life around me despite my discouragement of that, and now he is disrespectful of space between us and can't self-motivate. He seems to be putting his energy into different ways to get me back. I'd be flattered except that it's not about "me", in this I am an object. It's all for him. He needs, he wants. Without me HE can't. That sort of thing.

Has something like this ever happened to you? Advice and questions welcome.

Are you able to terminate all contact? As in, no response from you, no matter what?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LadyNeith)

Post #: 3

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 11:21:04 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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Yeh I hate to say it, but Oside is right.

Do not be tempted to explain or justify your choice to not get back with him, because that will only open the door to more arguing. If you think he's the type likely to say he can't cope or that he will harm himself if you cut contact, provide a list of local counseling services or crisis hotlines.

And once you tell him not to contact you that final time, do not reply or respond to any message or phone call that you get from him. Any contact will be seen as him wearing you down and if you do end up getting a restraining order or filing a harassment charge it will weaken your case if you have been replying to him. I know it's so hard to resist when you're being provoked.

It is not your responsibility to re-build his life for him. Relationships end. I'm assuming you have no shared assets or children with him? So he has no legitimate excuse for continuing contact.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 4

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 11:30:45 AM

votiveguitar

Posts: 16
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

As sub who feel in love with his Mistress I understand the difficulty he is going through. But the kindest thing You can do is cut it off clean, even if it means blocking him. That's the only way he can move on and grow up. Or I guess You could sell him to someone else that would teach him better manners.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 5

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 11:43:45 AM

ivone57

Posts: 279
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline

the bonds that are formed in this are sometimes hard to let go of... i personally can see his point of view.... i say in the most humane manner to let him know its over and block, delete or whatever you have to do to quit communicating with him/her.... sooner or later he/she will get over you and move on.... imho

_____________________________

ivone

Property of WhipHer

(in reply to votiveguitar)

Post #: 6

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 12:28:54 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Yes, I have/had. I can completely empathize and sympathize with your position, OP.

From My experience, you are probably right that it is completely about him. If it had anything to do with you, he would respect the fact that you don't want him in your life. In My opinion, that just shows that he doesn't care about you or your happiness at all.

Yes. Do everything that Oside suggested. In My case, that wasn't enough. I had to block various contacts, email addresses, and phone numbers. Don't delete the stuff you already have in case of escalation. If the person attempts to harass you through other sources, get copies of that information, too. I have a whole stack of papers here of printed emails from contact with My husbands boss, family, members of the local community, and you would be shocked at what else. If it gets really bad, you're going to need these things as proof that you are being stalked/harassed/whatever.

This part is not going to be popular with some folks, but I'm going to say it anyway because I firmly believe in it. If this person has lost their mind, is now obsessing about you, and can not respect that you do not want contact with him, the fact that he can't/won't "function" is not your responsibility. You can not make yourself miserable for the sake of somebody else. That's what professional help is for they need to take the steps to obtain it.

It may take this person a long time to actually leave you alone. For Me, it's been over six months. Sometimes, it takes a VERY long time for the message to get through for them to finally realize that you meant what you said.

In the meantime, the best advice that I can give you is to do what I do every day. Be happy and grateful that the person is out of your life. That's the positive that you concentrate on when the other person tries to continue to be a negative influence.

You are never required to keep a toxic person in your life.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ivone57)

Post #: 7

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 12:38:33 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

He is a stalker! Treat him as such! What was is irrelevant! All that matters as it is now!

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LadyNeith)

Post #: 8

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 12:48:26 PM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

I have to agree with what everyone else has said in this thread.
He has stepped over the line from being just a nuisance to being a stalker.

As KoM has said, treat it as a stalker issue and report him.
Keep all messages but don't respond.
Cut him off dead. Don't reply, don't encourage him in any way whatsoever.

(in reply to LadyNeith)

Post #: 9

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 1:00:18 PM

Blankpain

Posts: 127
Joined: 5/20/2010
Status: offline

I wouldn't worry about it. Simply capitalize on his need to be near you and charge him by the hour.
If you charge enough, your problem will go away. Everyone has a price they won't pay for anything.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 10

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 2:54:56 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

Ehhh Take the required training. Get a "carry permit". And If he gets psychical... Well you know what to do. BTW I'm serious about that advice.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Blankpain)

Post #: 11

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 3:09:24 PM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
Are you able to terminate all contact? As in, no response from you, no matter what?

That would be my question, too - on the premise that the way to deal with a stalker is to deny him or her the oxygen of contact.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 12

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 3:34:14 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

Yes I have had it happen to me. And they also put energy into trying to disrupt my life and happiness. It didn't end well. They broke in and totaled my house. I ended up moving because killing the fucker and burning the body wasn't an option after the break in police report.

I would make a clean break this very minute. I stayed underground for three years before my stalker finally stopped asking my old friends about me etc. Change the locks, phone numbers or whatever you have to do. Don't let it develop into something that becomes a huge pain in the ass.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 10/30/2013 3:37:47 PM >

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-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to LadyNeith)

Post #: 13

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 4:41:31 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

I haven't had it happen w/ a D/s partner but, way back when I was vanilla, it happened w/ a nilla boyfriend. It was a pretty dysfunctional relationship anyway as I finally realized later.

When I told him it was time to call it quits, he wouldn't go for it. He kept calling me and calling me, and I wouldn't answer the phone....the blessing of caller ID. I blocked his number but he'd call me from different numbers. Then I changed my phone number. He had a key to my place so I changed all the locks because I couldn't be sure he didn't copy it before giving it back to me. He started following me and getting in my face, cornering me so I couldn't pass and go where I wanted/needed to go without shoving my way by him. I got sick of it and filed a restraining order. At that point the asshat finally laid off.

Just don't give him an inch. Don't talk to him, he will think it's an invitation to debate and argue. Change the locks, the phone number, whatever you have to do. If he writes anything to you or threatens you on paper, KEEP IT. You might need it for proof. I also kept a journal of whenever anything happened complete with the dates and times of the occurrences, the judge loved those records when I took the asshat to court. File a restraining order, sometimes you need to take it to court before some asshats really get the full drift.

NBMG

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(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 14

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/30/2013 7:29:37 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Yes. Cut all contact. Don't talk to him, don't answer his calls or his emails, if you see him, walk in the opposite direction. If it continues take out a restraining order. If he comes near you then call the police and have his ass arrested.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

Post #: 15

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/31/2013 5:46:04 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

... and then read The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker...

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 16

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/31/2013 8:15:32 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNeith

And not in the good, worshippy kinda way but in the "now that I have ended our arrangement he is desperate and seeks me out and can't function normally anymore"

He built his life around me despite my discouragement of that, and now he is disrespectful of space between us and can't self-motivate. He seems to be putting his energy into different ways to get me back. I'd be flattered except that it's not about "me", in this I am an object. It's all for him. He needs, he wants. Without me HE can't. That sort of thing.

What he's doing is wrong, and you should certainly do whatever is necessary to keep yourself safe. But having said that, I'd like to share a slightly different perspective on this.

Being someone's sub/slave can create a VERY POWERFUL connection. It can almost be like a form of co-dependence. It can be much stronger than a typical vanilla relationship.

Imagine placing someone else's desires ahead of your own. Their happiness becomes more important than your own. Their needs become more important than your own. Their priorities become more important than your own. Regardless of what you're doing, you drop it when they call and then their task becomes your focus. Even if it's 3:00am, if Master/Mistress calls and says "Go to the store and get me some ice cream", that's exactly what you do. The fact that you're sleepy is irrelevant. The fact that it's weird to want ice cream at 3:00 in the morning is irrelevant. All that matters is doing what is necessary to please your Master/Mistress.

Now imagine that after operating in that fashion for months or even years, your Master/Mistress decides to end the relationship. The person who has been your primary focus suddenly doesn't want you anymore.

The problem is that their well-being has replaced your own in many ways. Their happiness has become the source of your happiness. And now all of that is gone. You can feel lost and confused. It can feel like a part of you has been completely ripped out. And it can make you want to beg and plead for them to PLEASE let you serve them again.

I know that all D/s relationships aren't the same. Some are really only "play partner" relationships. But those relationships that have a deep and personal, loving, monogamous element to them can be very difficult to simply let go of. Moreover, if a person was able to inspire that level of submission, they are probably a pretty remarkable individual (at least in the eyes of the person who chose to submit to them). So that puts them on an even higher pedestal.

I'm not trying to justify your former sub's behavior. There's no excuse for it. But as a sub who has had a few breakups over the years, I just wanted to share my perspective on why the breakup is often far more difficult for the sub than the Dom/Domme. So some level of compassion and empathy is necessary. Particularly if you allowed this person to behave as if You are the most important person in the world. Suddenly removing the most important person in his/her world is not going to be easy for them to accept and/or deal with.

I can admit that there is a former Domme that I still think about and would immediately fall back into total servitude to if given the opportunity. And I haven't been with her for over a decade. But the bond that we had was that strong (at least for me).

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 10/31/2013 8:47:41 AM >

(in reply to LadyNeith)

Post #: 17

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/31/2013 8:21:11 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

From My experience, you are probably right that it is completely about him. If it had anything to do with you, he would respect the fact that you don't want him in your life. In My opinion, that just shows that he doesn't care about you or your happiness at all.

I'd have to disagree with this. Please read my previous post to understand where I'm coming from here.

Yes, his behavior does seem very selfish. But think about it from the sub's perspective. The very fact that he DOES care about her makes it hard for him to let go.

When you've become used to obeying every command that a Dom/Domme gives you, the one command that can be very difficult to obey is the command to "leave and don't come back".

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 18

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/31/2013 8:26:31 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

I think you raise really good points, Roch.

I wonder if the OP can tell us more about the type of relationship they were in, since that does make a difference. Her profile talks of being new at dominating and having two subs whilst looking for more. I only mention this because that sounds very different from the deeply intertwined lives in your example. She did also say that she discouraged him from building his life around her.

Either way, a line has to be drawn somewhere. There is a difference between a couple of phone calls asking if things can be worked out, and not leaving someone alone or respecting their wishes. I'm not sure how far this falls down the spectrum. If she really doesn't intend to let him back into her life, then perhaps she is showing him compassion by making it very clear that things are over.

And (yes, I know I'm a total hardass) relationships end. It always hurts. It's always going to be hard to rebuild things after you've been heavily involved with someone else. But it still happens. He needs to get help for himself if he isn't coping well - it isn't her responsibility. I'd say the same if she were the sub.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 19

RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me - 10/31/2013 8:34:02 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

From My experience, you are probably right that it is completely about him. If it had anything to do with you, he would respect the fact that you don't want him in your life. In My opinion, that just shows that he doesn't care about you or your happiness at all.

I'd have to disagree with this. Please read my previous post to understand where I'm coming from here.

Yes, his behavior does seem very selfish. But think about it from the sub's perspective. The very fact that he DOES care about her makes it hard for him to let go.

When you've become used to obeying every command that a Dom/Domme gives you, the one command that can be very difficult to obey is the command to "leave and don't come back".

Sorry Roch, it doesn't matter what he thinks or feels, he is breaking the law.

It doesn't matter what side of the kneel you're on, having the sense to keep within the law, especially something such as this, is paramount to 'normal' thought. If someone gets sooo wrapped up that they cannot, for whatever reason, function at a very basic level, that is some serious shit and needs to be addressed pronto.

Everyone at some stage in their lives gets love-lorn and despondant when a relationship breaks down. But that really isn't any excuse to go stalking your ex - that's just being a sicko and there is no excuse in the world to cover it.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 20

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