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RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/1/2013 6:34:04 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Soulbinder
Like TigeressLily mentioned, some may try to play games or they will try to be cheap and do something like coffee...and then have the nerve to ask to play right after. Others will say they have don't have the money but yet they drive an expensive car or spend a ton of money on themselves. And no, it's not because they feel duped. Without fail everyone has said I look better in person than in my photos (my profile picture is really me, for the record, I'm not trying to dupe people with bogus or photoshopped photos).

Then they're being cheap. Maybe they want to sub in bed so they have no responsibility to please their partner, and you're seeing the money version of this selfishness.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Soulbinder)

Post #: 21

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/1/2013 7:16:29 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

It. Doesn't. Matter.

It's YOUR dynamic and YOUR rules. What's customary isn't so much an issue. As long as it's not unethical and you don't run off 99% of prospectives, do it.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 22

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/1/2013 9:34:39 PM

TigressLily

Posts: 436
Status: offline

But you aren't dating. You're married. You & your husband are responsible for paying your own way as attendees.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

A word from the D-type (female) side of the kneel.

No, I don't expect anybody to pick up My entry fee. I'm going to an event....... Period. I'm going whether the other person is there or not. The only exception that I make for this rule is if I am a presenter for the evening. It's a common practice for the organization/event organizers to comp My door fee and any other amenities that the group/club/organization can provide.

When I am just going to an event like any other attendee, I expect to pick up My own tab.

At the last fetish party I attended, I was the guest of a male sub I had recently met but not dated. He had been going to these FemDom events on & off over the past 4 years. It was a potluck seated dinner where both male & female subs served the Dommes. He offered to get a bucket of KFC en route, but I didn't want to show up at an event and find out a bunch of other people had also brought KFC buckets. So I thanked him for the offer, went and picked up 2 jumbo shrimp cocktail platters myself to bring, plus some sparkling non-alcoholic grape juice (no alcoholic beverages were allowed). We met up at a Grill Bar where he ordered my drink before he drove me out there, because I didn't want to feel nervous when we arrived. I wanted to be calm, cool & collected. I surprised him with 2 DVDs we had discussed in the past which he hadn't seen yet, which I had gone out and bought specifically for him to have as gifts. He paid our entry fees, we had a pleasant time, and everybody loved the shrimp.

Had he acted less than stellar, I would have backed out of the engagement, left him with the food to take there by himself, along with his DVDs to keep, and I would have driven home because I wouldn't have enjoyed his company. I would rather be by myself than spend time with a fool.

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 23

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/2/2013 10:24:52 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TigressLily
But you aren't dating. You're married. You & your husband are responsible for paying your own way as attendees.

No, I'm not dating, but I did the same thing when I was single or times that I attended events when he was deployed. I'm very much a "pay My own way" person.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to TigressLily)

Post #: 24

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/2/2013 10:55:09 AM

TigressLily

Posts: 436
Status: offline

Yeah, I used to do that too when I had absolutely no interest in my date, and we had zero chemistry, so I wouldn't feel beholden and could make a quick exit. Anti-date rape strategy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

No, I'm not dating, but I did the same thing when I was single or times that I attended events when he was deployed. I'm very much a "pay My own way" person.

Then one morning, I woke up, cleared the semi-distorted feminist cobwebs out of my brain, and calculated my monetary losses. Here I was a single (divorced) working mother, paying $20/eve for babysitting, taking food out of my own child's mouth to pay for extraneous expenses, putting unnecessary wear & tear on my minivan, filling up my gas tank for an ill-fated trip, spending extra money on getting myself primped up just to impress some loser, and then having to purchase an outfit for a special occasion (such as when a neurosurgeon wanted me to meet an Ambassador at an evening-gown affair, one I never wore again). Not to mention wasted time that I could have been spending doing something I actually wanted to do, such as taking my son out to the movies or treating him to someplace special. Yes, I remember those days well, not looking back in fondness.

Thankfully, that period of time only lasted a couple of years. Fiscal lessons learned, among a few other insights. I got back together with my first boyfriend, who never had much, but what he had he always shared, and we later got married. So there was a happy ending despite all the horny toads I'd encountered.

~ Le Fin

P.S. He was also the best lover I'd ever had. That might have been an influential factor.

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 25

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/2/2013 11:04:44 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maryjanes4me

In general, any type of date should be entertaining for both and an opportunity for people to get to know each other. It's not just about one person. At the same time, I have always considered it polite for the non paying person to offer to tip, pay valet, buy drinks, etc. It's nice to help offset the cost.

I agree. Why should men always have to pay on a date?

It is always gentlemanly when they say no thank you, and I have had every man refuse my offer. They really appreciate it.

Once in a relationship, you should both contribute.

I cannot stand women who expect men to pay for everything, even when the woman earns more.

Now, if it is a clear FinDomme situation, that is different.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 11/2/2013 11:05:20 AM >

(in reply to Maryjanes4me)

Post #: 26

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/2/2013 11:27:55 AM

SpyUnderCover

Posts: 208
Joined: 6/21/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Soulbinder
However, I see a LOT of male subs these days backpedaling on this and I have to wonder what's up with that.

When does this happen? I'm not clear about what you're saying. Do they offer to pay, show up at dinner, and see you look very different from your photos so they decide dinner is dutch? Or do they try to get you to agree to pay for the date before it even starts?

I usually like to meet at a coffee shop for a first meeting, and at the very least I always get something to drink. What I've observed are men who just sit down at the table without getting anything; and when when I go up to the counter to order something, they don't offer to pay.

I had one guy suggest "going for a walk" as our second date. Walks are nice, but it just sounded cheap to me. I'd have felt more complimented if he'd said, "I'd really like to take you out to dinner." (We could always take a walk afterward.)

Now, if the guy is on a limited budget, I can respect that, but I'd rather it be communicated upfront so there are no misunderstandings. One guy willingly took us out whenever I (as the domme) said it's what I wanted, but between dates he'd often mumble about how tight his money was. Another gentleman said, "I'm on a tight budget, so I'm afraid we'll have to go dutch." It wasn't my preference, but I appreciated the honesty.

I've also heard men protest that "Some women get offended when I offer to buy their meal/ticket/etc." Some do, some don't. The best approach? Simply say, "May this be my treat?" That has class, and it gives her the chance to refuse if that's what she prefers to do.

Spy

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 27

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/2/2013 11:33:38 AM

TigressLily

Posts: 436
Status: offline

They don't after the first couple of dates if you know how to cook & host. Guys make themselves at home at your place awfully quickly given half the chance.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I agree. Why should men always have to pay on a date?

I dated a lawyer once who brought over his fan one visit, even though I already had numerous ceiling fans. I made him take it home that night. (He had said he couldn't sleep without it blowing on him.)

The visit after that, he left his toothbrush in my master bath stand. I made him take it home with him.

Then the coup de grace. He brought his chunky Labrador Retriever over unannounced one day, when he knew I had cats and an unfenced yard.

No, the other coup de grace. Electricity went out for 5 minutes during the showing of "Braveheart." He got his ticket money refunded, although we were able to watch the rest of the movie. I was out for popcorn & drinks. I waited for him to re-invite me to the movies with his free passes, and he never did.

Wait--the final coup de grace. I paid for tickets for a grilled steak pool party in my housing development. They doubled as raffle tickets. I let him keep one of the stubs. He won the raffle for dinner at a local restaurant. No, his mother's birthday wasn't coming up. Hide nor hair of that gift certificate was ever seen or heard from again by me.

I also discovered he had run up a $100 tab at a nightclub that he never paid for a year. I knew a bartender there, so that's how I found out.

That cheapskate never brought over a bottle of wine, flowers, chocolates, or bought me a single gift. I always had his favorite beer - and I don't drink beer - and made his favorite meals, and we usually stayed in.

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 28

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/2/2013 12:58:50 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Wow, you had some bad experiences. I had very few cheap dates, I guess.

My rule is to offer always, since that way no one can expect anything.

I did have a guy offer to take me to a very expensive place on a first date and I suggested just a drink instead.

He said oh no, dinner is better.

Once we met, I couldn't stand him, so rushed through dinner, offered to split the bill and he refused.

We had taken separate cars (always for me), and I said thanks and tried to shake his hand. He grabbed me and said, should I follow you home?

I said, no, why would you think that would happen?

He said, the more expensive the dinner, the more I believe the woman owes me. And this is an attorney.

I told him that I felt no chemistry after we met and he said, that doesn't matter, all women are "dinner whores", conveniently forgetting I offered to split the bill AND just go for a drink, and that he was owed some pussy.

I laughed and drove away.

There are so many assholes who lack class and finesse of both genders.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 11/2/2013 1:00:21 PM >

(in reply to TigressLily)

Post #: 29

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/2/2013 1:10:30 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I'm old fashioned, very traditional. I always expected a man to pay on the first and few dates in the getting to know each other stage. Once we were in a relationship then I didn't mind paying from time to time. But if I had met a guy and he refused to pay for our first and few dates, I would have never bothered going any further.

And I would have never invited a man to my house on a first or few first dates. I was a single mother plus being a girl, I had no desire of having a man knowing where I lived for awhile.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 30

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/2/2013 1:57:34 PM

TigressLily

Posts: 436
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I'm old fashioned, very traditional. I always expected a man to pay on the first and few dates in the getting to know each other stage. Once we were in a relationship then I didn't mind paying from time to time. But if I had met a guy and he refused to pay for our first and few dates, I would have never bothered going any further.

And I would have never invited a man to my house on a first or few first dates. I was a single mother plus being a girl, I had no desire of having a man knowing where I lived for awhile.

Exactamundo--You give them an inch and they take a mile. Kinda like little children.

Being a single parent, that's why I would meet my dates at a public place instead of having them come pick me up at my house. I made that one exception with that lawyer after our third date. Then he didn't think he had to ever take me out anywhere where he made the plans and took care of the arrangements. By then, my son was old enough to stay over at his friends, who also hung out at my house regularly, and he spent every other weekend at his dad's; so I didn't have to pay for babysitting then, if I could plan far enough in advance.

(This was all before I was Domme. Although I did meet a sub once at the movies to see "Basic Instinct," but that's another story. He worked for the CIA as an Arabic-language expert [but wasn't Arabic].)

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 31

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/2/2013 2:43:58 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

OK. Here's the part of the post that I'm working off of.......

quote:

ORIGINAL: Soulbinder
So...to male subs, if you do manage to get the attention of a Domme and she is NOT charging you for her time and NOT asking for 'tributes'...do you think that it is proper to pick up the tab for things like event entry fees, taking her out to dinner, etc? Basically, covering the cost of entertaining her? Regardless of if the relationship is strictly D/s or is more romantic.

It's also why I have the attitude about it that I do. If I'm going to an event (specifically mentioned) there is an exceptionally high probability that no one person is going to be occupying My time. At any given dungeon, I'm going to play with three or four separate people because that's what I want to do.

When the OP mentioned "event," I'm not putting that in the perspective of movies, block parties, and other date type situations. I figured, BDSM discussion board. Ergo, meaning BDSM type events.

I might just be looking at it differently than folks who are looking at things that aren't including the BDSM element.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to TigressLily)

Post #: 32

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/2/2013 6:16:33 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

As for a bdsm event, if the man invited me as his date, I would expect him to pay for my entry fee. If we're going just as friends, we pay our own ways. If I asked him out, then I would pay the fees. But I don't think I've ever asked a man out on a date. Never had to.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 33

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/2/2013 11:56:42 PM

Soulbinder

Posts: 11
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

My admission to BDSM events has always been paid for by another (sub or friend) if we are going together and going to be playing together that evening. I never go with someone and then abandon them. Usually we go to dinner beforehand too and end with the dungeon or whathaveyou. I consider that to be proper and I probably would not see someone again if they weren't willing to do that. If I just want to play with random people, I can go to parties by myself and pay for myself. Maybe I will know people there but I won't go specifically to meet up with anyone. If I'm going with someone else they have my full attention. I won't play with anyone else and even conversation with others will be less.

On a side note, most lone sub males, even experienced ones, almost never find a random Domme willing to play unless it is a pro Domme event and he pays for the privilege. Considering this, it's a small thing for him to pay his Lady's entry fee.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 34

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/3/2013 12:44:18 PM

bearcatw125

Posts: 17
Joined: 6/22/2008
Status: offline

If I agree to meet someone, I will either suggest something or have her suggest some place. In either case I will pay for the entire meal, unless she insists on splitting the meal. I will not ask a stranger to attend a party with me. I feel that it puts pressure on her to stay with me for the duration of the party. I will tell her that I intend on attending a certain party and if she shows up, she shows up.

(in reply to Soulbinder)

Post #: 35

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/3/2013 8:28:03 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

~fast reply~
Man, this thread makes me glad I'm not dating any longer. I guess when I thought about it I always paid. After reading this thread and having the word "entitlement" come front and center I suspect I won't be paying next time I am dating. She can find her own meal ticket.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to bearcatw125)

Post #: 36

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/3/2013 8:37:02 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Soulbinder
On a side note, most lone sub males, even experienced ones, almost never find a random Domme willing to play unless it is a pro Domme event and he pays for the privilege. Considering this, it's a small thing for him to pay his Lady's entry fee.

A few years ago, I second-dated with a femdom on a dinner and a party. I paid for dinner and she paid the party entry fee. I think it worked out with me paying about $60 and her paying $40 ($20 each). So I still paid more, but she participated.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Soulbinder)

Post #: 37

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/6/2013 9:37:32 PM

HoneyBears

Posts: 337
Joined: 11/5/2013
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

~fast reply~
Man, this thread makes me glad I'm not dating any longer. I guess when I thought about it I always paid. After reading this thread and having the word "entitlement" come front and center I suspect I won't be paying next time I am dating. She can find her own meal ticket.

Because we all know Doms have absolutely no self-entitlement issues whatsoever.

Such a humble lot.
Actually, the few Doms we know are romantic and generous with their female slaves.
Most of the Dommes we know require tribute to offset their costs and expenses because they are not conducting a provider business as a fetish delivery system.
I am the oddball. I held out for a real gentleman who has class, and after two years of LD about 2 states away, he relocated to be with me. I offered to help out but he would not hear of it. That's my Cub, my sub partner and lover.

_____________________________

"The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart."-- J.G. Holland

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 38

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/7/2013 3:37:48 AM

evesgrden

Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
Status: offline

By and large, I think whoever has the fatter wallet pays. If both parties are somewhat strapped then they can go Dutch. The tradition of men paying for women was due to the fact that women didn't have their own source of income and that's simply not the case today.

I have a problem when people are not upfront about their expectations. If he expects that he should get play/sex/lucky because he bought dinner or some bauble then he needs to just shoot from the hip and say so before he opens his wallet. If she expects to get dinner/$$/bauble because she's putting out in some way, she needs to be upfront about it too. There's nothing wrong with the barter system as long as both parties agree.

Caveat emptor.

_____________________________

What you permit, you promote.

(in reply to HoneyBears)

Post #: 39

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/7/2013 4:20:11 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

I was rather young when I got married, and didn't do a lot of traditional dating. As our 18 year marriage was ending, I moved to a yoga center and then an ashram, where I didn't need to date to meet guys, as there was a large pool of guests or fellow volunteers from which to fish. However, I had a series of relationships in which I pulled more than my share of weight financially. I wouldn't mind doing this if the guy was in school, but they tended to be underemployed because of alcoholism. I had some therapy which helped me make better choices, and when I finally started dating again looked at his willingness to pick up the whole tab as an indicator of financial well-being. I was tired of ending relationships with the guy owing me money.

So now, for the first time in my life, I am partnered with a generous man, and I am really liking it. (It does make me a bit uncomfortable, and I reciprocate in many non-financial (or sexual) ways.)

(in reply to evesgrden)

Post #: 40

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