RE: Domme/sub interactions

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Domme/sub interactions

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Domme/sub interactions

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/7/2013 5:06:58 AM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline

I read this thread from the beginning CERTAIN that I knew what my feelings were...Of Course the man should pay! But now, I'm not so sure. Being a femsub, I've never BEEN in a situation where I was expected to pay. In fact, the D-types I've been with would have considered my offering to pay emasculating or possibly topping from the bottom. To me, him paying was a treat, a way to show He could take care of me. For Him, it was a control thing. Also. Play or sex has never been equated with whether he paid for our first dates or not. Intimacy happened when, well, we BOTH felt it was time to be intimate!! AFTER getting to know each other.

But reading about others dynamics, I'm wondering if we aren't holding onto an archaic chivalry based system that just doesn't hold up ay longer? I must agree. I would be miffed if a man even glanced my way when the time came to pay. But is that fair? Maybe it's more of a Dom/ sub thing. Maybe it's a blurred line when the Dom is a female, and that is why everyone is kinda weighing in so differently.

I don't know anything for certain, other than the fact that this thread showed me a bit of the "other side". And that's always a good thing.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/7/2013 8:04:49 AM

MasterCaneman

Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline

Speaking as a male dominant, I would find the idea of having a submissive date pay for anything abhorrent. I consider financial security one of the facets of my particular mindset, and I've only once permitted a (vanilla) date to split the tab, and then only because it was important for her. Even now, with my current ol' lady, I pick up the tab for everything without a second thought. To do otherwise calls into question your stated role and intention.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/7/2013 8:47:57 AM

MAINEiacMISTRESS

Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline

Traditionally, in all vanilla interactions with vanilla males throughout My life, I have almost always been the one to insist on paying for dinner, etc. If the vanilla males squirm and feel their masculinity is damaged, all the better. Keep in mind, that's My VANILLA side.

However, with My subs, I participate with a lot of My free time, staying up 'til 3am when they are having issues, or helping them in their vanilla activities. If they want to show their thanks by buying Me Gifts or lunch, I'm fine with it. I enjoy their eagerness to please Me. There is a brightness in a male sub's eyes when he Gifts something that just isn't there when a vanilla male does the same thing. I'm sure psychologists can explain it better than I.

It's a fine line here. I both agree and disagree with you on this "who pays" point. It all boils down to each relationship having requirements being drawn up by its own participants, not by outsiders. Remember, each D/s relationship is different. If a financially secure Dominant male insists that his female sub pays for food and entertainment as part of her Service to Him, I'm ok with that (in fact I'd consider it amusing that he MAKES her pay, especially if he makes her turn in roadside bottles for a month to do so...how humiliating it would be for her if at the end she has only collected enough to take Him to McDonald's, LMAO!).

However, if the Dominant is financially DEPENDENT on the sub, then yeah, the roles become a tad squishy and I'd question who is really in charge.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman

Speaking as a male dominant, I would find the idea of having a submissive date pay for anything abhorrent. I consider financial security one of the facets of my particular mindset, and I've only once permitted a (vanilla) date to split the tab, and then only because it was important for her. Even now, with my current ol' lady, I pick up the tab for everything without a second thought. To do otherwise calls into question your stated role and intention.

< Message edited by MAINEiacMISTRESS -- 11/7/2013 8:50:18 AM >

(in reply to MasterCaneman)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/7/2013 9:11:32 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff
I read this thread from the beginning CERTAIN that I knew what my feelings were...Of Course the man should pay! But now, I'm not so sure.

I'm with you. I have always paid. I never gave another thought to it. But the sense of entitlement on this thread sure makes me rethink that. In the end I am saved because I can just go ahead and pay anyway... no woman with that sense of entitlement would survive the first date with me anyway. Just as women don't like to be objectified into tits & ass, I dislike being turned into a wallet.

Note, I've always paid because "that's what a man does" (per my father) which I suspect comes down to advertising my financial suitability as a mate.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/7/2013 9:22:16 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

FR

If someone asked me out, I'd expect him or her to pay, and likewise if I did the asking, I'd do so with the expectation of treating them. I would still offer to pay all or some of the cost, and if I were paid for I'd try to reciprocate in some way, like buying some drinks later in the night. If I'm honest, if someone asks me out and then says 'let's go dutch' it might put me off a little. I'd be happy to go somewhere cheap or free, if they are not made of money. Past the first few dates though, I'd assume we were sharing the cost in some way (I'll pay tonight, you get dinner next time etc).

Even though I'd be prepared to pay my own way, I would be massively put off by someone who seemed to be keeping score of what they spent. Either in the sense of spending lavishly and making sure I knew it (which smacks of desperation and/or obligation), or being extremely stingy - working out exactly what his meal cost instead of splitting the bill, or having me pay him back the £1.50 for my ice cream cone. Both of those would be a big 'no thanks' for a relationship.

My answer would be the same whether I was dating dom, sub, vanilla, male, female. I want someone who can walk the line between attempting to buy my affection and being tight arsed.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to JeffBC)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/7/2013 11:23:42 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman
I pick up the tab for everything without a second thought. To do otherwise calls into question your stated role and intention.

Do you believe dominant women, such as the OP of this thread, do not share the same duty of care toward their subs? Or, perhaps, dominant women are fake -- a position I've seen argued for because of exactly this asymmetry: male dom provides, female dom is provided for.

I think "who pays" has much less to do with dom and sub than it has to do with men and women -- long-term gender programming.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to MasterCaneman)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/7/2013 12:09:35 PM

MasterCaneman

Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman
I pick up the tab for everything without a second thought. To do otherwise calls into question your stated role and intention.

Do you believe dominant women, such as the OP of this thread, do not share the same duty of care toward their subs? Or, perhaps, dominant women are fake -- a position I've seen argued for because of exactly this asymmetry: male dom provides, female dom is provided for.

I think "who pays" has much less to do with dom and sub than it has to do with men and women -- long-term gender programming.

Toss aside titles for a moment. I ask a woman out, it's expected that I pay. To do anything else is ungentlemanly, and if there was one thing my father instilled in me is to treat a lady right. If she asks me out, there's may be a gray area there, but I generally don't have a problem with picking up the check. The one I mentioned before asked me out, and made it a point that she wanted to at the very least split things down the middle.

Other women have asked me out, but with no specificity as to what the entertainment/venue will be. I always looked at that the same way as if I asked them out. It's no big deal, really. The actual amount is irrelevant to the experience gained. Nothing is lost in my mind. And I have dated dominant women in the past, and I'm in a long-term relationship with one (who doesn't share my predilection for kink) now. It's just a date in my mind.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/7/2013 12:27:26 PM

MariaB

Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

When I used to date sub's, male or female, we would either take it in turns of paying for a meal or an evening out or we would go dutch on the night. On an initial date I would always allow the man to pay (for the first meal) if I liked him and intended on seeing him again and always insist on paying the bill if I didn't much like the sub and knew I wouldn't be having a second date with him. Paying was/is about being in control of the situation. I only use men that I like ;) and I'm always a bit out of control when I use them!! Seriously though, a man who initially shows generosity is an attractive man, even if you have no intention in taking advantage of that generosity. For me, it just speaks volumes about his character and charm. A gentleman is a very attractive person.

Edited to add, its something about Lawyers?!? My long term ex is a Lawyer and he was the only man I have ever had the company of, who wouldn't pay the bill if he could get away with it. In fact, so mean and stingy was he, that I believe he would of happily pimped me out if he thought for a moment there was money in it for him!!

< Message edited by MariaB -- 11/7/2013 12:32:10 PM >

_____________________________

My store is http://e-stimstore.com

(in reply to kalikshama)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/7/2013 1:09:39 PM

HoneyBears

Posts: 337
Joined: 11/5/2013
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman
I pick up the tab for everything without a second thought. To do otherwise calls into question your stated role and intention.

Do you believe dominant women, such as the OP of this thread, do not share the same duty of care toward their subs? Or, perhaps, dominant women are fake -- a position I've seen argued for because of exactly this asymmetry: male dom provides, female dom is provided for.

I think "who pays" has much less to do with dom and sub than it has to do with men and women -- long-term gender programming.

Toss aside titles for a moment. I ask a woman out, it's expected that I pay. To do anything else is ungentlemanly, and if there was one thing my father instilled in me is to treat a lady right. If she asks me out, there's may be a gray area there, but I generally don't have a problem with picking up the check. The one I mentioned before asked me out, and made it a point that she wanted to at the very least split things down the middle.

Other women have asked me out, but with no specificity as to what the entertainment/venue will be. I always looked at that the same way as if I asked them out. It's no big deal, really. The actual amount is irrelevant to the experience gained. Nothing is lost in my mind. And I have dated dominant women in the past, and I'm in a long-term relationship with one (who doesn't share my predilection for kink) now. It's just a date in my mind.

I am in full agreement with MasterCaneman here. A man is a man, whether he is dominant, switch, sub, vanilla. If you cannot show the lady you are trying to impress that you can treat her right with respect and show that you value her from the beginning, then why should she choose you over a multitude of other horndogs out there. I know, I used to be one a long time ago when I was a snot-nosed 20-year-old, although I did not act ungentlemanly then either. (I was a good method actor.)

Being a male sub does not grant you a magical sub pass for male emasculation, or what RedMagic1 referred to earlier, being too lazy all around to take responsibility for your manhood, your sexual prowess or ability to be a good lover, expecting that a dominant female will somehow take care of you and your fetish needs just because she is the dominant one, like a kept live-in male slave. If that is what she wants, no problem, but she will put you to work one way or another. I have known too many male subs, some of my own buds in fact, whose fantasy is to find some dominant sugar mama to serve, or to become sissified so they can escape their responsibilities of being a man and stand up on their own two feet. That is one of the main reasons why I do not identify as a male sub anymore but as a switch.

JeffBC, I would insert your quote here if I knew how to. What you're talking about is a sugar baby. If that is not your "kink" or preference, more power to you, man. But if you want that hot young thing when you're no longer a hot young stud, be prepared to shell out the dough. There are middle-aged guys who get off on having arm candy, and they end up paying the price.

If you are a male sub of ANY AGE, be prepared to pay the price one way or another for a much-in-demand domme of whatever age. My mistress is only a few years older than me, but she would regularly get bombarded with interest from subs 20 years younger than her, offering her tribute, financial domination, and gifts to satisfy their kink. That is not the kind of dominance/submission relationship she wanted, though, not a BDSM-centric one. I would not have her today if I did not make every effort I could to prove to her how worthy she is of everything I have to offer.

-- Cub

_____________________________

"The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart."-- J.G. Holland

(in reply to MasterCaneman)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/7/2013 1:45:13 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

Being on a low fixed income, this can be a quandary for me. I have to pick my entertainment choices carefully. That being said, that is not something I would tell someone on a first or second date but, if I was very interested in meeting this person, I would make sure I have enough money to at least cover my part of the meal. In the past, the men have always insisted to pay, which is fine with me. I feel no obligation.

I also do not like cheapskates, though I have to be a cheapskate myself because of my income. Yes, pretty one-sided but it is as it is. Most men my age have more disposable income than the 20 or 30 somethings. I do not expect him to spend it all on me but it is nice to walk into a restaurant and focus on each other rather than how much the bill will be.

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to HoneyBears)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: Domme/sub interactions - 11/7/2013 1:55:40 PM

Soulbinder

Posts: 11
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Cub made some really good points, all of which I can relate to. While I've enjoyed this thread so far I do notice it took a bit of long turn from the original question. What he said at the end was particularly relating to that. I personally get a huge number of emails from males here and there is a degree of of having to separate the wheat from the chaff. Many men will sign up for an account and think "Great, now I can just meet a Domme here who will make all my kinky dreams come true and I won't have to pay for a pro Domme session!" Ahhh, but not so! Maybe but it's not like I have all the time in the world to just go out and screen people. I'm looking to be impressed, to see that a man can behave like a gentleman (i.e. chivalry) while still knowing how to be submissive. The type of guy who wants me to pay is either looking for a free ride ("let me come be your 24/7 live-in gimp...because I'm about to get evicted from my apartment and I can't hold a job") or he's cheap and feels that if he does enough dutch dates, he's "put in the time" w/as low cost to himself as possible and he then has a right to ask about play or accuse me of not being serious. It all boils down to being treated like a fetish delivery system and if that's what they want, they might as well pay me a session fee just like what pro Dommes get because that behavior does not impress me and toys and dungeon entry fees aren't free.

On a side note, what some of your gents have said about paying as part of your role as a man...I once had a switch partner who was very submissive to me and on our first date I took him to a fancy dessert restaurant. Towards the end I got up and had to go the ladies' room. I told him if the check came to just put it on my side. When I got back there was still no check and I asked him why hadn't the waitress brought it? He sheepishly admitted that she had and that he had paid it. That lead into a conversation about how he wasn't a very masculine man overall but that paying for things/taking care of me that way was one of the few things he COULD do that made him feel masculine. I respected how he felt about that and his service to me was always great. He was a generous person and submissive. In the past when a man has been stingy or whatever, before I took a hard stance on the issue, that type of man was always a horrible submissive with a "do-me" mindset and they never lasted long.

(in reply to HoneyBears)

Profile

Post #: 51