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RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/19/2013 10:01:45 AM   
Apocalypso


Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AIPAIN
hate because they make it hard on the rest of Us that are on a serious search. Me for instance I'm on a strict search (been looking for three years),

They really don't, you know. It makes things far easier when the "competition" aren't.

Think of it like Happy Days.

The Fonz was only considered cool because he hung round with Richie Cunningham, Potsie and Ralph Malph.

If he'd been best friends with Hunter S Thompson, Lou Reed and James Dean, nobody would have paid him a second glance.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to AIPAIN)
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RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/19/2013 10:17:37 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Apocalypso
The Fonz was only considered cool because he hung round with Richie Cunningham, Potsie and Ralph Malph.

If he'd been best friends with Hunter S Thompson, Lou Reed and James Dean, nobody would have paid him a second glance.

Very well said.

I love trolls. They make me look more attractive than I really am. If a woman can't tell the difference between me and them, then either she has major baggage or my self-presentation sucks.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Apocalypso)
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RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/19/2013 8:24:12 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Apocalypso
The Fonz was only considered cool because he hung round with Richie Cunningham, Potsie and Ralph Malph.

If he'd been best friends with Hunter S Thompson, Lou Reed and James Dean, nobody would have paid him a second glance.

Very well said.

I love trolls. They make me look more attractive than I really am. If a woman can't tell the difference between me and them, then either she has major baggage or my self-presentation sucks.



Personally... If they start to compare you... Even if it's to trolls you already lost. When they start to compare.. Sooner or later one will come along and you will get the short end of the stick.

It's much better to be unique beyond comparison to anyone else and they are compelled to follow.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/20/2013 4:29:19 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

TO: RedMagic1
(snip)...

It's much better to be unique beyond comparison to anyone else and they are compelled to follow.

Oh, KoM, Red is DEFINITELY unique. Amazing. Awe-inspiring. Fascinating. Brilliant. Easy on the eyes. Kind. A whole lot of fabulous in him! (not that he needs *me* to sing his praises!!)

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/20/2013 11:34:41 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Don't drink. Don't eat burrito's (Refried's, man-they be some nasty shit).
Dang-I may just be a good Dom.
Hell yeah
quote:

ORIGINAL: effierose
As a females just trying to get seriously involved in this lifestyle what can I do to be careful and safe? I am unsure of how to tell someine who is real or just well read.

My flippant answer is to ask them for their Masters degree. Real ones have em...and from accredited schools too :-)

Really though, in sooth,I would e skeptical of people who move on to discussing sex, BDSM etc...too quickly.
The cats who know what they are about, they'll be looking for different things,internals aspects and intangibles.
But that's just so broad it's almost impossible to tell.
In general, BDSM is just like the real world, you only hope they survive their first few interactions that they can take the lessons learned into the new ones and do better


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to effierose)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/20/2013 5:37:41 PM   
bunneeboo


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/17/2013
Status: offline 		Are these really the answers? Seriously? I guess it's people having fun, eh?

Unfortunately, it's difficult to tell the "real" doms from the fake ones because some people have the gift of gab. So my advice is to go slow. Within two months of seeing someone, you should know if they're just controlling, spoiled brats who just want to delve into the submissive sex pool, or if they really have substance. Substance is what you look for. Look for someone who can handle their own business well. Cuz if they can't handle that, they surely cannot handle a sub/slave. Period. No exception. That is one thing I have learned in my many years of slavery. Take time. Observe. Listen to them. Don't just jump in. That is my advice. And it's pretty freaking good, if anybody would be smart enough to take it (including myself!).

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/20/2013 6:06:03 PM   
petitespot


Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bunneeboo

Are these really the answers? Seriously? I guess it's people having fun, eh?



You've obviously never slept next to a guy who smells like bad burritos.

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/21/2013 6:37:57 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		If a guy does not try to get to know you and tries constantly lead the conversation to sex/kink, he is not a bad Dom, he just an asshole lacking social skills and finesse.

A PhD on another site started chatting with me online and kept telling me how educated he was. But then, he would throw in that he excels at oral skills, etc.

I said that those who brag are never good at it and you cannot lick a brain. I asked him why he wrote and he said he needs a super smart partner. I said, ok ask me something intellectual. He says, do you like getting sushi eaten off your body.

So, cute, seemingly educated and could not stay on any topic without sounding like a horny creep.

Use your judgement, if a first conversation goes like that are you really interested if he is even a Dom at that point?

(in reply to petitespot)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/21/2013 7:19:49 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bunneeboo

Are these really the answers? Seriously? I guess it's people having fun, eh?



There are two problems with the original question as stated.

1. She wants compatibility, which she's confusing with someone being a Dom. But not all Doms are right for all subs. That's the kink equivalent of assuming that if the sex is great, the relationship will work.

2. She's assuming that a Dom is a Dom is a Dom. My style of Domming is very different than others, and a sub who would work with my style wouldn't work with another Dom's style and vice versa.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to bunneeboo)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/21/2013 5:36:46 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I'm a bit embarrassed to post on this thread again. However:
quote:

ORIGINAL: bunneeboo
Take time. Observe. Listen to them. Don't just jump in. That is my advice. And it's pretty freaking good, if anybody would be smart enough to take it (including myself!).

that seemed weird to me. How can you possibly know advice is good if you've never followed it?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to bunneeboo)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/21/2013 5:42:14 PM   
tiggerspoohbear


Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I'm a bit embarrassed to post on this thread again. However:
quote:

ORIGINAL: bunneeboo
Take time. Observe. Listen to them. Don't just jump in. That is my advice. And it's pretty freaking good, if anybody would be smart enough to take it (including myself!).

that seemed weird to me. How can you possibly know advice is good if you've never followed it?

Because there are times when patterns are repeated over and over again. You know the outcome is going to be bad but you still go damn the torpedoes full speed ahead. I should know it took me 33 looong damn years to finally get it right.


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"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".


(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/21/2013 5:51:51 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I don't find that convincing at all, sorry. Rather, it sounds like an excuse for people to parrot "common sense" that isn't particularly helpful, because it's cliche, instead of based in reality.

The best weight-loss counselors are people who have struggled with weight loss themselves. Similarly with drug counselors. They can provide nitty-gritty explanations of "ok you are facing this demon, so do this next," because they've been there themselves and got through it. Someone who hasn't gotten through to the other side yet can say, "Don't be like me," but can't explain how to get all the way through.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to tiggerspoohbear)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/21/2013 11:37:55 PM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: effierose

As a females just trying to get seriously involved in this lifestyle what can I do to be careful and safe? I am unsure of how to tell someine who is real or just well read.


Like Stef said, there are no short-cuts. A rich line of communication and a lot of patience reveals a lot, however. Avoid those who try to rush you into meeting/doing things far too early on or those who come at you whining with needy sales pitches.

_____________________________

Omnes una manet nox

Founder, Humbled Females

(in reply to effierose)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/22/2013 7:52:53 AM   
evesgrden


Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: effierose

As a females just trying to get seriously involved in this lifestyle what can I do to be careful and safe? I am unsure of how to tell someine who is real or just well read.


Since there's no licensing board or accrediting body, don't worry about someone who's well read because that is not a bad quality in a person.

You need to like him and like the way he treats you. And if he says "if you don't do X you're not real", say thank you and move on.

The whole "real dom" thing may have some meaning in the Leather World and High Protocol, but for those who don't choose that path, then all you have to do is like the guy, and like the way he makes you feel.

Trust is a process, it's not an event. You don't trust on command, you look back over time at someone's behavior towards you and you realize that you trust them. So trust the guy a little, see what he does with it; trust him some more, and see what he does with it. If you like spending time with him, if you like the way he thinks, if you have chemistry, these are all good things.

If warning bells start going off, LISTEN. Instincts keep us alive and well for a reason.

And if something is a good idea today, it will still be a good idea tomorrow.

And yes, you get to say "NO". All you want is someone who is right for you. What the rest of the world defines as "real" doesn't matter. But if you must go there, then honest, patient, knowledgeable, confident, cares about your well being, ethical... oh look, a real dom is person with integrity and of good character!

good luck :)

edited for typos

< Message edited by evesgrden -- 11/22/2013 7:54:26 AM >

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What you permit, you promote.

(in reply to effierose)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/22/2013 10:24:11 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bunneeboo



Unfortunately, it's difficult to tell the "real" doms from the fake ones because some people have the gift of gab. ...


Personally I think the gift of one gab is irrelevant and one is going to be in a lot of trouble if that is the measure they are using to determine the Dom for them.

Action speaks louder than words! Particularly in determining what the OP is asking. But I believe it to be prudent to listen to the words of a person and compare them to their actions. I believe one will find in a person of quality their words will consistently and repetitively be matched with their actions over a significant amount of time.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to bunneeboo)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 11/26/2013 1:45:25 AM   
StrictlySussex


Posts: 24
Joined: 11/25/2013
Status: offline 		Hi,

A subby once proposed to me, saying that I was one of the best Doms she had even known. I was humbled, believe me, I really was.
So the OP here made me think....why did she think I was any different from any other Dom off the shelf.

So here's my 2cents worth - and it is only my thoughts.

I treated her from day one of meeting (met via Fetlife) like a person. A human, with interests, emotions and all that jazz.
I took time to learn what she liked, both in vanilla life and in D/s. We genuinely connected on many things outside of D/s.

I treated her as an equal...now this is the bit that many Acme Instant Doms just don't understand. A submissive woman is NOT a slave, not a slut, not a captive. She is a person and demands exactly the same respect and treatment as any other person on the planet.
The difference between a submissive woman and one that is not; is that the sub has chosen to allow you, the Dom to take some control away from her for a set period of time. She has trusted you with her mind and soul, her body and her emotions.

If your Dom's opening conversation line is all about how he's going to stick this up there and tie that around the other bit...all can seem good, but will he be understanding when you feel like crap and just want to talk.
It should never be all about the Dom, a Dom should be able to take a sub to her subby space and be there when she comes back to earth...with his trousers on!!

In my opinion what makes a bad Dom....getting down to discussing sex from day one!
Would you seriously trust a man with your life when the only bit you know about him is the size of his pork sword? A sub in your control is one of THE most precious things to have, I'm not talking just love and romance but even a pro Dom in a session with a sub, has something special.
He has been given her soul to handle with care, to explore and to treasure, even if just for an hour.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 12/13/2013 10:29:29 PM   
TheWillToThrive


Posts: 36
Joined: 3/8/2013
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: evesgrden

quote:

ORIGINAL: effierose

As a females just trying to get seriously involved in this lifestyle what can I do to be careful and safe? I am unsure of how to tell someine who is real or just well read.


Since there's no licensing board or accrediting body, don't worry about someone who's well read because that is not a bad quality in a person.

You need to like him and like the way he treats you. And if he says "if you don't do X you're not real", say thank you and move on.

The whole "real dom" thing may have some meaning in the Leather World and High Protocol, but for those who don't choose that path, then all you have to do is like the guy, and like the way he makes you feel.

Trust is a process, it's not an event. You don't trust on command, you look back over time at someone's behavior towards you and you realize that you trust them. So trust the guy a little, see what he does with it; trust him some more, and see what he does with it. If you like spending time with him, if you like the way he thinks, if you have chemistry, these are all good things.

If warning bells start going off, LISTEN. Instincts keep us alive and well for a reason.

And if something is a good idea today, it will still be a good idea tomorrow.

And yes, you get to say "NO". All you want is someone who is right for you. What the rest of the world defines as "real" doesn't matter. But if you must go there, then honest, patient, knowledgeable, confident, cares about your well being, ethical... oh look, a real dom is person with integrity and of good character!

good luck :)

edited for typos


I don't see how anyone can write a better answer than that.

(in reply to evesgrden)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 12/14/2013 11:55:51 AM   
HntersToy


Posts: 56
Joined: 12/7/2013
Status: offline 		Observe how he interacts with others. Is he respectful, kind, does he have a calm controlling presence? Is he grounded and not full of himself?

Interact with him and see if you are compatible. Ask questions, many questions, and talk about what you want and what he expects from you.

(in reply to TheWillToThrive)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 12/15/2013 2:44:19 PM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: effierose

As a females just trying to get seriously involved in this lifestyle what can I do to be careful and safe? I am unsure of how to tell someine who is real or just well read.


The fact that I'm yanking your hair to the point you think your neck will break while working your ass over good with a cane could indicate that I'm a very bad D, if your not into that sorta thang. However, it may make me the stellar Domstar of your dreams if that's your thang ;)

Jus sayin

Exiled

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to effierose)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: How can you tell a good Dom from a bad one? - 12/15/2013 2:46:50 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

... and not full of himself?


Well...

Arturas

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to HntersToy)
Profile   Post #: 40
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