RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (Full Version)

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kalikshama -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 1:31:06 PM)

quote:

I'd be over there and ask the woman outright what the situation is because your GF may be spreading malicious rumours that you want to stamp on.
Obviously be polite and do it when your GF isn't at home.


Actually, the polite thing to do would be to bring them a welcome-to-the-neighborhood gift and realize their sexuality is their business.



kalikshama -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 1:34:50 PM)

quote:

One time, she asked me seriously if there was a boobytrap I could put in to stop that from happening. I had to point out to her it was a state and federal offense to install an 'infernal engine' on her property, which didn't make her happy at all. And to all of the above who asked me if I would go over and speak to the ladies in question, I'd be dealing with a near-psychotic break on my GF's part. I asked her if she'd consider going over and getting the scoop on them herself, maybe getting to know them better and perhaps it would calm her down. She. Blew. Up. It was a phone conversation and she screamed at me so loud my speaker was feeding back like Hendrix at Monterrey (and that's not exaggeration, folks).


Have you considered the possibility that she might be having an actual psychotic break? This happens with my brother from time to time. He was fine on meds for about 15 years but is back in the hospital at the moment.



ResidentSadist -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 1:43:49 PM)

I never let my morals, a political or religious stance get in the way of my heart or my cock. And I am way too old and jaded to have morals that will get in the way of some good pussy. Truly good pussy is a treasure indeed. But that is just me.

You are facing something annoying and as you said, only you know the answer and I think that answer is that one of you has to change.

1) You can chill out and accept your lovely hetro girl for whom she is. I am of the mind that you have to be narrow minded to be a hetro women in the first place. For me, that single-minded focus on being hetro is part of their passion, part of their charm that sets the bond. How else could anyone deny the sensual allure and sexuality of the female form without the blinders of narrow mindedness in that sexual arena. Sometimes narrow mindedness is what focus looks like. When you focus passionately and intensely on one perspective ignoring the others. I once fell for a hetro cowgirl. She was a passionate southern-fried-God-fearing-burly-man-loving-country-girl . . . and it was completely intoxicating. I spent almost two years in pampered macho bliss. I understand that kind of allure.

2) She has to change either her libido or her attitude.
* Is trying to get her drunk enough to open up her libido and have sex with another girl out of the question? Back in the day, my very bisexual slaves and I would go out "hunting" and pop cherries all the time. Recently my slave-wife popped my ex-wife's cherry in Savannah while we were on vacation. I been knowing my ex-wife for 20 years and this was the first time she has cum on a girl. Oh there was lots of drinking, dinning and celebrating but we loosened her up to the point she came in my slaves face. So it can be done. It took me 15 months to get them together but it was worth it.

* It's convert her or educate her attitude. She is a nurse, empathy is probably one of her personality traits with that career path. Play to her empathy and educate her on the gay plight, their trials and tribulations. Maybe that vitriol will fade and give way to sympathy? If not that, you can always throw gas on the fire and invite the neighbors over to make her face the devil(s) eye. to eye Perhaps it will shed the stereotype she imposes on them and bring her face to face with their humanity.



My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.



angelikaJ -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 1:44:36 PM)

Please forgive me for trimming your response, but I don't think it alters the meaning of the point I wanted to address.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman


I can't use anything from the Church as ammunition. I won't. I don't know if I'm looking for it here, just some insight into how I can keep this from blowing up in her damn face, because I know I'm the one whose gonna be doing fixit duty, whether I like it or not. I've gotten some good, usable advice already, but I'm not sure how to present it to her.



I am going to suggest something: Don't fixit.

This is her issue.
If it blows up in her face then it is her pain to deal with.

My reasoning is that by playing fixit every time her behavior gets her into trouble you are depriving her the opportunity to grow.
Pain is sometimes a pretty good motivator for change.
Your fixing it is enabling her to live in a world that is without the full consequence of her behavior.
If your girlfriend was an alcoholic and you rescued her when her drinking got her into trouble, people would say you were an enabler.
Since you have a hard time stomaching her behavior, at least you can create the boundary for yourself that you won't enable it.

You did not cause her behavior.
You can not control her behavior.
And you can't fix her behavior.

Don't fix the messes that go with it.

As for your behavior around her neighbors: the only person you have to be 100% accountable to is you.
It's your face you see in the mirror.

I am sorry for your pain.



tj444 -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 2:01:26 PM)

does she own a gun? cuz this is how those neighborhood "incidents" get on the local tv news.. just sayin..



evesgrden -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 2:36:58 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman


quote:

ORIGINAL: evesgrden

Ask her what she thinks should happen. Should they be jailed? Should it be a crime? Should they have the same rights? When she's treating a patient, if given a choice would she not treat someone who is gay?

These questions will bring it all out... anf you ned to do that. I understand your reluctance; this is a long term relationship. Your other choice is to live in denial about it, push it aside, change the subject... and let it eat away at you. It has to be addressed, and will come to the surface one way or another -- you can either decide when and how, or let it occur happenstance. But you don't want to have that discussion pop up at a family celebration, or funeral, or grocery store etc.

The sad thing is this means your relationship could be on the line over this. Any arguement can end a relationship if there's a major impasse.

I went through something similar at the beginning of a relationshp a year ago or so. It was over politics, and he said that Michelle Obama was "acting as if she were white".

Now this was a very educated, accomplished and sophisticated guy. And as soon as those word came out of his mouth I knew the writing was on the wall. In order for me to have good relationship with someone (platonic or otherwise), I have to like the way they think.

As soon as those words came out of his mouth, I realized that it wasn't going to work. Oh he apologized, corrected himself... but that was immaterial. There are always plenty of reasons to like or dislike politician and their families.... but clearly we viewed the world very differently and I simply cut my losses.

Once I don't like the way someone thinks, they become very unattractive to me.


Some of what my woman says violate this site's ToS, to be blunt. And in the same breath, she says she's worked with LGBT people and it doesn't bother her, yet somehow this does. Her reasoning is because she can see it from her living room window. When I tell her to just ignore it is usually when I get accused of being gay or bi myself, which pisses me off to no end. Not because I view it as an attack on my masculinity, but because I'm not marching in lockstep with her. It's part of the reason we don't live together.

She's a very dominant personality by the nature of her profession and her particular life-arc. I'm very dominant as well, and when we set our outlooks aside, we're good together. But she's used to partners who are more passive to her in the past, and it drives her nuts when I refuse to give in. This has nothing to do with kink, mind you, she doesn't play that way. It's the way we are in real-time, all the time.

And she never, ever, admits she's wrong until it jumps up and bites her on the ass. Even then, she tends to try to deflect it onto other people, another thing about her that annoys me. That said, I love and care for her deeply, and I don't want what we have to go down in flames over this. If that makes any sense.




It doesn't have to go own in flames if these issues are not dealbreakers for you... that's all. Only you can answer that. My partner doesn't have to agree with my lock-step, I could do a Carville/Matalin type arrangement. I love good debates, and really good debates sometimes get me to change my mind about something. That might make you crazy, but not me. That said, there are certain philosophies/world views that I have to be on the same page with as my partner.

If you were beginning to see someone new and learned about these characteristics, would they be annoying or would they be deal-breakers? If it's the latter, and deep down only you can answer this, but if it's the latter, then this is going to eat away at you. If it's annoying, then blow it off, and just come to an agreement that you'll agree to disagree and could she just talk about it with her other friends and the two of you will agree to not go there.


I think unfortunately this is going to be a real problem for you... otherwise it would never occur to you say that you don't want the relationship to go down in flames. People only worry about that when a non-negotiables has reared its head.

You cannot change her. You can only change the way you respond to her.



RedMagic1 -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 2:51:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman
I did ask her why it bothered her so much, and the most cogent answer I got was "Because it does, that's why!

That isn't actually an answer. It might be the most she's willing to give you, even if you suddenly Johnny Mnemonic a bunch of counseling-conversation courses, but the bottom line is that she's refusing to deal.

Clearly, she should have bought a house with a bigger yard. Maybe you could help her put up a hedge or a fence?

Edit: Also, maybe she's bi. A shitload of homophobes swing that way and are freaked out by it.



UllrsIshtar -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 3:39:33 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman

And I like the spray idea, but she'd literally blow a gasket if I did that. As I like to tell my people here, "She didn't buy a house, she had it, and is still experiencing birthing pains." Seriously, she's become insufferable ever since she took possession of that place, and more than once it's become the focal point of an argument between us.



That to me would be a bigger deal in a relationship than the bigotry is, simple because it's an indication that she doesn't want to not be perpetually annoyed.

Leaving the fact that it's her homophobia that's bothering out of it for a second, what would she have done if there were bikers moving in, or people walking around the house naked with the curtains not all the way closed, or something else that annoyed her?

My point is: life IS going to throw stuff our way that WILL annoy us, whether that annoyance is justified or not. What a healthy person does in such a situation is try to find some way to deal with the annoyance that doesn't take up their entire life. So if the neighbors do something to bug you, you find a way to not have to look at them.

If she's unwilling to do that, it means that she's actively seeking out this becoming a focal point in her life. She WANTS to be annoyed by this, instead of wanting to find a way to let it go. That in itself is a sign that she's mentally unstable, and isn't in a healthy headspace at all... and that's without even touching on the twisted wires in her head that cause the homophobia.



MariaB -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 3:53:32 PM)

I'd be looking at inventing a device. Something that would give her a discreet electric shock every time she spoke scornfully about this couple. It would be a device she wouldn't be able to relate back to you ;). If you come up with anything patent it quickly. You will make a bloody fortune, enough in fact to buy her a new house in a new neighbourhood!



LadyPact -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 4:16:14 PM)

Fast reply to the OP.

I'd have a bitch of a time *not* saying anything, but that's Me.

For some reason, I want to ask if she's one of those NIMBY (not in my back yard) types? These are generally folks who say that they are in support of LGBT issues, as long as it's not in the neighborhood.



sunshinemiss -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 4:55:02 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman

Okay, mods, this may or may not be a salient post because it is similar to the one where the server got stiffed for being gay, but I feel this is a legit question. First, a little backstory: I'm in an eleven year relationship with a very vanilla woman with an Alpha personality. She's a registered nurse, and has recently (past three years) bought a house. Now, about six months ago, another woman bought a home across the street from her, and my woman has started making some disconcerting comments regarding this person.

Simply put, the woman is a lesbian. She has a girlfriend whose moved in with her and what appears to be the homeowner's minor age daughter. There's also a male involved who appears to be the child's father. He is also a regular visitor there. My woman has recently started making some overtly homophobic comments about what she sees going on over there, something I didn't know about her until now, and it's beginning to concern me.

I'll be blunt in saying I'm solidly heterosexual myself, as well as a member of the R.C. Church, just to give you a quick background snap of my background. That being said, I'm a "live and let live" kind of guy, because I don't consider it my business to give a shit about what someone else does with their heart, soul, and plumbing nor who they choose to do it with. My GF, however, is starting to get very unsettled by this all, and I'm at a loss as to how to approach this in a way that she won't lash out at me. Saturday night, when I was over, I got tired of hearing her vent about them and told her so, and almost immediately was queried if I had ever done that kind of thing.

I've worked in a lot of fetish and alternative oriented bars and clubs, have worked for two openly gay gentlemen and an open lesbian. All were good people to work for who left their orientation at the door, but she all but accused me of going 'that way' for merely trying to get to her to let if go. None of these folks have so much as spoken to her since moving in, yet every day her vitriol grows at their mere presence.

It's getting to the point I feel I need to do something about it. Is it or should I just let her keep going until it blows up in her face? While part of me wants her to find out for herself what can happen if you allow your prejudices to dictate your actions, another part of me doesn't want her to get her fingers burned either. And both parts of me know that whatever happens, I'll be the one who ends up having to clean up the mess in some manner after the fact. I know no one can give me the "right" answer here, but any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.


How would you respond if she said the same thing about African Americans? disabled people? a couple of elderly people "living in sin"?

Do that.



xxblushesxx -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 5:50:47 PM)

It sounds as if she has myhouseitis. It seems to me that anyone who lives around her who isn't invisible and doesn't have a life is going to be a problem with her.

Is this the first house she's ever been the actual owner of? Because she seems to have let it go to her head.

I can't imagine living with that, and I feel for you. (and the neighbors)

No advice, just lots of luck and good wishes sent your way.



kiwisub12 -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 6:12:23 PM)

I don't think you can change the way she thinks, or to a large extent, acts. If she is going to implode there isn't anything you can do about it.
You might also consider that if there weren't lesbians across the street, it would be some other issue equally obnoxious.
And while I respect that you have an 11 year history with her, why on earth do you put up with someone who is only happy when she is unhappy. I've known a few of those characters in my time, and talk about toxic!



LittleGirlHeart -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 6:26:27 PM)

If it means a lot to you, you should say something. My mom does similar stuff, only racist stuff, And the last time she said that we make the yard so dirty , it looks like a bunch of derisive word for black people live here, I told her i find that statement to be a racist slurr, and very offensive and i'd thank you not to use racist slurrs when speaking to me. It's offensive.

And usually she gets in a big huff and won't speak to me for days, but it's worth it to me.

If it's important to you, you should speak up.



DesFIP -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 7:05:04 PM)

I suggest next time she goes off on this, that you ask her when she's planning to burn a cross on their lawn. And follow that up by saying that bigotry is not acceptable to you. Then leave.
And every time she goes off on this bigoted rant, you leave. Using the same words each time, "I refuse to listen to bigots. Goodbye". It has to be the exact same words or it won't get through to her.

Either she'll learn that she cannot say this around you or she'll break up and you can find someone you can respect for a change.



MistressDarkArt -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 7:55:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

I couldn't be in a serious relationship with someone I didn't respect...and I find her POV intolerant, ignorant, and hateful.



This ^^^

Also, MC, I recall you mentioning in the past that she talks incessantly about stuff that is not important to you and you found it irritating. You basically have two choices: call her on the carpet and tell her you will not tolerate a bigoted, assumptive homophobic so STFU about it and see if she does or 2) be ready to let her go due to incompatibility if she doesn't. Talking too much about celebrities is merely annoying; spewing vitriol about other people's lifestyle choices is damaging and hurtful. I walk away from people like that.

There used to be a very old man in my neighborhood who had a perpetual garage sale going. I bought stuff from him for over a decade. Need another crock pot? A rocking chair? Stop by the Krauss house, he'll have what you need or he'll find it for you. He was always kind and generous to me. One day he stopped by in his truck to pick up a dresser I offered him for free. I don't remember the full conversation, but he said something derogatory about Jews (I'm Jewish, and I'm sure he didn't know). I looked him right in the eyes, took his hand in mine and said softly, 'Mr. Krauss, I'm so disappointed. I would NEVER have taken you for a bigot. It hurts me to know you feel such hatred.'

Did I give him pause? Yes, because he tripped all over himself apologizing. Did I change his beliefs? Don't know. Did I do the right thing to speak up? Yes, I'm sure of it.

Stand your ground, mess or not. Sometimes we have to clean up messes now so we don't have to keep cleaning up the same ones in the future. I wish you the best, MC. You deserve someone wonderful.



MasterCaneman -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 7:56:37 PM)

Gawd, I opened up a can of worms here, didn't I? RedMagic, when I have to be careful of what I say to her. I've learned to speak in obliques and tangents, which still ticks her off, but usually less than my usual blunt honesty. I did confront her with the "methinks thou dost protest too much" line the other night, which prompted the retaliatory suggestion I was as well. Oh, and the fence is coming as soon as I can pony up the bucks. I'll make her pay me back somehow.

And UllrsIshtar, I've mentioned before to her when she goes off on one of these tears that she might need some "help". I can say something to her one night, something perfectly innocent, and she'll spin it around in her head for a day or so and start to make assumptions that have little correlation to my original statement. When she asks me "What did you really mean last night?" I know it's going to be a long and convoluted ride. The problem is, she's rock-solid in public and in her field. No one questions her veracity, much less her sanity. It's only when we're alone that this comes out.

Maria, someone's gonna have to put it on her, aren't they? She ain't much of a fighter, but she's a nimble little minx otherwise.

LadyPact. Yes, she's a NIMBY. I have heard her say the cliche "...but some of my best friends are..." Despite the fact her septic tanks on the verge of collapse, she voted against an extension of the town sewer line into her neighborhood not because of the tiny tax hike, but because it would inconvenience her driving by tearing up the roads for a couple months. She has to go a certain way at a certain time, otherwise there's too many cars and she doesn't like that. At all.

Sunshine, she doesn't like blacks one bit, even though she works very well with them. She can't really harp on a disabled person because she's sleeping with one (me), and she dislikes old people because she fears becoming one, as well working in a nursing home for the past twelve years. She does like rabbits. And chipmunks. And squirrels. She likes them, at least until we start the garden, then we'll see about that.

And blushes, yes it is her first house. I'm reminded of that every freaking time I set foot in the door. "I saved thirty years for this house, I don't want it fucked up like those places you live in!" is a common refrain I hear, which is usually followed by me saying something unrepeatable even for seasoned eyes and ears here. Oh, and a couple weeks ago, I was getting up from the table and I 'lost' my legs-I've got a spinal cord injury and sometimes in certain positions I lose signal to them-fell back down and shot two chair legs into her wall. I've been hearing about that one, but she won't trust anyone I get to fix it (because she doesn't want me to, despite having done it umpteen times before because I used to punch a lot of walls).

Yeah, this is becoming toxic. I've got a penchant for them (got myself a daughter out of one). A lot of good suggestions, some workable, some not, and one that is devilishly clever but practically impossible to accomplish. I'll figure out something. I always do because I have to. Thanks all.



littlewonder -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 8:09:34 PM)

Or ya know, you could walk out. Leave. Let her know you will possibly be around if she ever comes to her right mind but until then she's toxic and it's affecting you and your relationship with her.

Personally, after being in toxic relationships for many years like you, I just would not be able to do it again. I would have a nervous breakdown or explosion and it would not be pretty.

Just how much is going to be too much for you or will you always allow her to walk all over you? Sorry but to me that's how it sounds. You just typically ignore her and it all starts all over again the next day and the next and the next. Nothing ever changes. Do you want to keep going down that same road for the next 11 years?



Moonlightmaddnes -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 8:14:07 PM)

She does not sound like a very nice person, Yeah I would be saying something. There is nothing wrong that this is your first house. I am 40 and my husband is 44. We lived in a mobile home that we picked up from a bank repo for years before we bought this house two years ago. I learned a long time ago that happiness is in the small things not in a fancy house or clothes. I feel for you though, in our old place we had a neighbor that was married to a woman that was never happy and seemed to make it her goal to make him miserable. She hated this and that and ranted about it all the time about everyone else in town. He was miserable for most of their marriage until he finally left her. I ask this with all due respect, why are you with her? You deserve someone who will treat you well.



MAINEiacMISTRESS -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 8:20:58 PM)

Ok LISTEN, here is what you do:
Put on your nastiest BDSM gear and walk proudly up and down the street in broad daylight...maybe cracking a whip to make noise to draw everyone's attention to you.
This way she can't go pointing her judgemental finger at the "controversial" neighbors because all eyes will now be on HER household. She'll be too busy trying to defend
HER OWN home to be worrying about what's going on across the street.

Of course, you'd also be outing yourself to the entire neighborhood, but hey, it's a sacrifice for a good cause. LMAO

And if she DUMPS you, well you don't want to be with that type of person anyhow.

--MM


quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman

Okay, mods, this may or may not be a salient post because it is similar to the one where the server got stiffed for being gay, but I feel this is a legit question. First, a little backstory: I'm in an eleven year relationship with a very vanilla woman with an Alpha personality. She's a registered nurse, and has recently (past three years) bought a house. Now, about six months ago, another woman bought a home across the street from her, and my woman has started making some disconcerting comments regarding this person.

Simply put, the woman is a lesbian. She has a girlfriend whose moved in with her and what appears to be the homeowner's minor age daughter. There's also a male involved who appears to be the child's father. He is also a regular visitor there. My woman has recently started making some overtly homophobic comments about what she sees going on over there, something I didn't know about her until now, and it's beginning to concern me.

I'll be blunt in saying I'm solidly heterosexual myself, as well as a member of the R.C. Church, just to give you a quick background snap of my background. That being said, I'm a "live and let live" kind of guy, because I don't consider it my business to give a shit about what someone else does with their heart, soul, and plumbing nor who they choose to do it with. My GF, however, is starting to get very unsettled by this all, and I'm at a loss as to how to approach this in a way that she won't lash out at me. Saturday night, when I was over, I got tired of hearing her vent about them and told her so, and almost immediately was queried if I had ever done that kind of thing.

I've worked in a lot of fetish and alternative oriented bars and clubs, have worked for two openly gay gentlemen and an open lesbian. All were good people to work for who left their orientation at the door, but she all but accused me of going 'that way' for merely trying to get to her to let if go. None of these folks have so much as spoken to her since moving in, yet every day her vitriol grows at their mere presence.

It's getting to the point I feel I need to do something about it. Is it or should I just let her keep going until it blows up in her face? While part of me wants her to find out for herself what can happen if you allow your prejudices to dictate your actions, another part of me doesn't want her to get her fingers burned either. And both parts of me know that whatever happens, I'll be the one who ends up having to clean up the mess in some manner after the fact. I know no one can give me the "right" answer here, but any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.




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