RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (Full Version)

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MasterCaneman -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/20/2013 11:47:24 PM)

She's not having a psychotic break. This is pretty much normal now. PBs are acute, hers is chronic. And I'm not saying jack shit to her new boss. She's just going back to work after over a year on unemployment, she would go off the deep end for real. She's a thirty-year RN, everything from ICU/ER to supervision. She is a professional in that area, and a large part of her issues arise from the stresses the job has put on her in the past as well as her recent difficulty in finding suitable employment.

And talking to her family would be pointless-they're ALL like this, albeit to differing levels. She learned this behavior and outlook from her parents, no amount of conversation or other methods is going to undo this kind of thing overnight. And while the boobytrap thing was serious, again, she doesn't have the first clue to either put one together, finding the instructions to build one, or manipulating materiel and tools to actually construct one. Seriously, she can run an IV with her eyes closed, but for some reason, tightening a fastener or wielding a hammer is alien to her.

To all who are interested, we had a long and intense talk over dinner this evening. I've spoken my concerns, and she's (more-or-less) agreed to check herself before it causes real trouble. It wasn't pretty-like me, she does not like being corrected until I pointed out the 'moral turpitude' clause in the contract she just signed. If she gets into trouble over this, her new place can fire her without warning.

She did admit that her latent stress level has been making her touchy, and she doesn't know why the new neighbors seem to cause her recent outbursts. We'll see what the future holds. It was not a pleasant evening for me, in any event, but not a showstopper either.



RedMagic1 -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 7:00:17 AM)

I didn't know she'd been unemployed for a year. Frankly, after a few months of regular income and a job she can be proud of, these comments might disappear.



MasterCaneman -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 8:20:16 AM)

Over a year, actually. My fault for not mentioning that before. And it wasn't because she's a bad nurse, the problem was, she was too experienced. A lot of the places around here are both pressured by UB to take on their new grads and the hospitals and SNFs also don't want to pay for her level of experience. Add to that the circumstances surrounding her dismissal, the hellish hours and maltreatment she'd suffered at her former employer, and their successful blacklisting campaign against her all played a part in where her head is.

It's a Catch-22 with her. She does need to see a therapist to address some of the issues in her head, of that I'm sure. The problem is, if she does, it will affect her employability in the position she's seeking, ADA be damned (most employers around here have figured out how to ignore that directive). Once her insurance kicks in, I'm going to apply some gentle but firm pressure on her for her to at least talk to someone about her outbursts. It's a delicate and deliberate process I have to follow in order to impose my will on her. I can do it, but I have to make it look like it's her decision. She pulls the same routine on me when she wants something too. Our mutual problem is, we both think we're top dog in our relationship. She's used to guys caving in to her demands and vice-versa. Makes for some interesting "discussions", usually before bedtime.



OttersSwim -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 8:21:06 AM)

MasterCaneman...we cannot control the hearts, minds, or actions of anyone but ourselves. You can certainly tell her that this sort of talk bothers you, but you are not likely going to be able to change her heart or mind.

So it comes down to -your- choice of action based on how she responds to your request to stop. If it continues at the same level, it shows a disregard for your feelings. That tells you something. If she makes an effort to stop it, it shows respect for your feelings. That would also tell you something.

My advice would be to act on what her behavior to your request tells you.



DesFIP -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 8:35:23 AM)

Anybody can google the internet and find ways of making booby traps or bombs. And molotov cocktails do not require any use of tools.

If she does do something horrible like that, how will you feel? And how will it effect you to be a known close associate of someone who commits a hate crime? You're betting that she'll stop at ranting to others, I hope you don't lose that bet.



MasterCaneman -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 9:21:33 AM)

The boobytrap was for the neighbor who kept cutting through her property, and I already took care of that issue. Seriously, she does not possess either the skills needed nor the desire to gain the skills needed to construct something of that nature. I've been with her for eleven years now, she's not qualified to operate a screwdriver without fucking something up.

As vitriolic as she gets towards her neighbors, she can't even kill an insect. She uses a drinking cup reserved for the purpose and a drink coaster, and more than once I've come over to find it in the garage waiting for me to either free the critter or dispose of it. And a Molotov cocktail involves naked flame, and she has long hair that doesn't like naked flame. She also doesn't like handling gasoline-I'm the one who fuels up the lawn toys around her house.

How would it affect me? I've partied with monsters in human form in the past. I have been queried several times about my casual association with people who were involved with very serious crimes. I do what I always do: have 'em talk to my lawyers (got two on speed dial, just in case). My main concern was her sudden mental change and vitriol more than any potential propensity for violence. Yes, in my first couple of posts I did express some concern, but I was tired, confused, and angry when I posted.

"Blowing up in her face" could mean anything from a disorderly conduct to being charged with a hate crime if she got into a verbal altercation and let someone know how she really felt. Here in the People's Republic of New York, you don't have to do anything but say the wrong things to the wrong person to get charged. In my context, it would be mitigating the damage caused by another angry neighbor situation like the last place she lived. I won't get into details here, but it involved a female neighbor with five kids, her live-in boyfriend, a late-night party, someone parking in her spot, and two police agencies. I managed to talk everyone down before the law had to step in, and that's what I'm trying to avoid here.



Extravagasm -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 9:54:01 AM)

I'll share the patent with you!
quote:

MariaB Post 29: I'd be looking at inventing a device. Something that would give her a discreet electric shock every time she spoke scornfully about this couple. It would be a device she wouldn't be able to relate back to you;) If you come up with anything, patent it quickly. You will make a bloody fortune



Musicmystery -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 2:22:18 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman

Okay, mods, this may or may not be a salient post because it is similar to the one where the server got stiffed for being gay, but I feel this is a legit question. First, a little backstory: I'm in an eleven year relationship with a very vanilla woman with an Alpha personality. She's a registered nurse, and has recently (past three years) bought a house. Now, about six months ago, another woman bought a home across the street from her, and my woman has started making some disconcerting comments regarding this person.

Simply put, the woman is a lesbian. She has a girlfriend whose moved in with her and what appears to be the homeowner's minor age daughter. There's also a male involved who appears to be the child's father. He is also a regular visitor there. My woman has recently started making some overtly homophobic comments about what she sees going on over there, something I didn't know about her until now, and it's beginning to concern me.

I'll be blunt in saying I'm solidly heterosexual myself, as well as a member of the R.C. Church, just to give you a quick background snap of my background. That being said, I'm a "live and let live" kind of guy, because I don't consider it my business to give a shit about what someone else does with their heart, soul, and plumbing nor who they choose to do it with. My GF, however, is starting to get very unsettled by this all, and I'm at a loss as to how to approach this in a way that she won't lash out at me. Saturday night, when I was over, I got tired of hearing her vent about them and told her so, and almost immediately was queried if I had ever done that kind of thing.

I've worked in a lot of fetish and alternative oriented bars and clubs, have worked for two openly gay gentlemen and an open lesbian. All were good people to work for who left their orientation at the door, but she all but accused me of going 'that way' for merely trying to get to her to let if go. None of these folks have so much as spoken to her since moving in, yet every day her vitriol grows at their mere presence.

It's getting to the point I feel I need to do something about it. Is it or should I just let her keep going until it blows up in her face? While part of me wants her to find out for herself what can happen if you allow your prejudices to dictate your actions, another part of me doesn't want her to get her fingers burned either. And both parts of me know that whatever happens, I'll be the one who ends up having to clean up the mess in some manner after the fact. I know no one can give me the "right" answer here, but any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Well, doesn't sound like you'd like my option. But since you asked . . . I'd say goodbye and be off to my next relationship.



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 2:32:09 PM)

Sure, why not? It's just an 11 year relationship; why not toss it and just start another [8|]



SweetAmber32 -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 2:35:48 PM)

Well, at least you had a "talk" with her. But what this all comes down to, as you have 11 years invested as you've said, if something does happen, you've made your bed..... I wish you the best of luck.



DesFIP -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 2:39:26 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

Sure, why not? It's just an 11 year relationship; why not toss it and just start another [8|]


For some of us, bigotry is a hard limit. It makes us unable to respect our partner. And when you've lost respect, what else is left?



petskye -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 2:43:49 PM)

I'm not saying he should throw away the relationship I just want to point out I don't think duration of the relationship should really factor in with this. His feelings towards her and his willingness to accept her as she is defiantly. However if we consider duration as a factor you are basically saying that all things are forgivable so long as you've been together long enough.

Those who I've seen who've taken that motto to their relationship have gotten more and more unhappy as the years go by in their relationship but say "well I can't throw away a relationship of X years away on something like that" feelings do not increase based upon time together they increased at their own speed independent of time and he should be measuring his feelings with this not the time.



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 2:53:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: petskye

I'm not saying he should throw away the relationship I just want to point out I don't think duration of the relationship should really factor in with this. His feelings towards her and his willingness to accept her as she is defiantly. However if we consider duration as a factor you are basically saying that all things are forgivable so long as you've been together long enough.

Those who I've seen who've taken that motto to their relationship have gotten more and more unhappy as the years go by in their relationship but say "well I can't throw away a relationship of X years away on something like that" feelings do not increase based upon time together they increased at their own speed independent of time and he should be measuring his feelings with this not the time.

I do think duration means something, that time and history give a relationship value and substance. Ignoring that and making irrevocable decisions based solely on the feeling of the current moment is at best superficial.

Edit: I don't think MasterCaneman is operating just from the present moment or superficially.



crazyml -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 3:02:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman

I don't know why I stay with her



Bingo. This does it for me.

Fair play to you for your (immense) patience, as I would have fucked off a long old while ago.

But... sincerely, when you don't know why you're staying with someone, you don't need a watch to tell you that it's already a quarter past fuck off o'clock.

And MC... I have a hunch that you could do better. Just sayin.



petskye -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 3:07:34 PM)

So you are saying if I was in a relationship with someone for 10 years but 9 of those years were bad years the relationship has value? Honestly I don't see the logic nor do I see how taking duration out is superficial. The true value of those years is how the relationship itself is at the end of it and a relationship of 1 year can easily dwarf the value of a relationship of 10.

In fact far too many people are able to accept that they have grown apart no matter how many years you have been together does not mean that you are still right for one another. Yeah there are defiantly people who are together for 40 years and are still going strong but what I would fear most of a relationship of 40 years is that those involved would probably be so fearful of being alone that they would be unwilling to end the relationship for any reason. In that case a 40 year relationship would have no value it would be the same as having a pension it's comfort that when you are no longer working you can still afford to live however it doesn't generally give you all that much happiness in itself.

Yes I can be quite cynical but it far too often is the case, people get set in their ways and don't want to step outside their comfort zone and would prefer to be miserable and know how miserable they are going to be than risk potentially being more miserable for a slight chance of happiness.




kalikshama -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 3:19:03 PM)

quote:

And MC... I have a hunch that you could do better. Just sayin.


Yes, if I were still single and still in upstate NY, I'd be all over him [8D]



crazyml -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 3:38:29 PM)

QED!



DesFIP -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 3:40:59 PM)

I don't view companionship and friendship as bad things in a relationship, petskye. I could certainly see remaining in a passionless one while being friends and both devoted to parenting our children.

But hate crimes? I'm one of those irritating downstaters who believe in a zero tolerance policy for them. Going to shul one year to discover swastikas graffitied all over it will do that to a person.



LeatherBentOne51 -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 5:06:57 PM)

Ask her if she's jealous. That outta piss her off but good.

Anyhow, if you keep asking her that question every time she bashes them, she may just stop her bs.

Good luck. She wouldn't last a day with me.

LBO51



LookieNoNookie -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/21/2013 5:09:14 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman

Okay, mods, this may or may not be a salient post because it is similar to the one where the server got stiffed for being gay, but I feel this is a legit question. First, a little backstory: I'm in an eleven year relationship with a very vanilla woman with an Alpha personality. She's a registered nurse, and has recently (past three years) bought a house. Now, about six months ago, another woman bought a home across the street from her, and my woman has started making some disconcerting comments regarding this person.

Simply put, the woman is a lesbian. She has a girlfriend whose moved in with her and what appears to be the homeowner's minor age daughter. There's also a male involved who appears to be the child's father. He is also a regular visitor there. My woman has recently started making some overtly homophobic comments about what she sees going on over there, something I didn't know about her until now, and it's beginning to concern me.

I'll be blunt in saying I'm solidly heterosexual myself, as well as a member of the R.C. Church, just to give you a quick background snap of my background. That being said, I'm a "live and let live" kind of guy, because I don't consider it my business to give a shit about what someone else does with their heart, soul, and plumbing nor who they choose to do it with. My GF, however, is starting to get very unsettled by this all, and I'm at a loss as to how to approach this in a way that she won't lash out at me. Saturday night, when I was over, I got tired of hearing her vent about them and told her so, and almost immediately was queried if I had ever done that kind of thing.

I've worked in a lot of fetish and alternative oriented bars and clubs, have worked for two openly gay gentlemen and an open lesbian. All were good people to work for who left their orientation at the door, but she all but accused me of going 'that way' for merely trying to get to her to let if go. None of these folks have so much as spoken to her since moving in, yet every day her vitriol grows at their mere presence.

It's getting to the point I feel I need to do something about it. Is it or should I just let her keep going until it blows up in her face? While part of me wants her to find out for herself what can happen if you allow your prejudices to dictate your actions, another part of me doesn't want her to get her fingers burned either. And both parts of me know that whatever happens, I'll be the one who ends up having to clean up the mess in some manner after the fact. I know no one can give me the "right" answer here, but any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.


Wish I had the post from a woman who wrote to a Dear Ann Landers thingie but....Mom was bitching about her son being gay, wanting Ann to explain to her boy that being gay was a choice and "maybe you can get through to my son".

Response was...."why don't you just change your sexual orientation...by fiat/choice...show your son that it can be done, literally by....living it for a year and prove to your son it's not a given, rather....a simple matter of choosing to be so".

I thought that was truly brilliant.

Maybe I'm missing the point of the discussion but, what I'm hearing is....your chic is upset that "one of them" is in "our neighborhood".

No doubt, lowering real estate values.

11 years is a long time.



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