How do you know? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

lloydirving -> How do you know? (11/30/2013 10:17:15 AM)

I've been reading a lot of posts and questions. It is impressive how simple answers are, it seems like most masters think alike. I do not have the outward personality of one. I am quiet and thoughtful, even a bit goofy. I tend to listen and offer thoughts rather than advice. I generally prefer to weigh all the information and keep an open mind. I have my limits of course as I have a high morality, I simply enjoy learning.

It is interesting to notice that most domme or master types are very straightforward. They know the answers to many things and perhaps that is due to experience or they have heard the question so many times so it's simple rehashing what they already know. Except for running a business and when there is someone who is a sub, I tend to display the outward traits of a submissive person.

I understand that people come in all shapes and sizes, but it's astonishing how confident most dominating people are. I suppose by all of my personality quirks, most assume that my role is more submissive, yet I have been put in various situations before. Both in the BDSM world, but also in social situations, even life threatening situations. When I am pushed, my personality pushes back hard, and the dominating part of me roars out. My question is, are there any more soft spoken or uncertain domms out there or is that rarely a trait? Is one of the main requisites confidence and an outward personality? What are your thoughts on this?



TieMeInKnottss -> RE: How do you know? (11/30/2013 10:33:51 AM)

I am not a Dom but I am a submissive who appears dominant.... Stereotypes, good or bad, come from a place of some truth-most dominant people DO have confidence, DO believe they are doing the right thing because, well, how can you effectively lead if you never believe in your self? How can you effectively lead if you never stand up for yourself?

What you may be seeing as "submissive" traits in yourself is nothing more than maybe wisdom. You know that other people can and do have good ideas and have knowledge that you don't. You respect that others may well bring something to the table... Being dominant, to me, means that, when push comes to shove you will make the hard decisions, take the blame, go to bat and protect those weaker than yourself.... There are MANY people who believe that because they are spoiled or believe that they are smarter and better then others that everyone else should just blindly follow...and they will call themselves "dominant". The truth comes out when the shit hits the fan...the "Dom" will stick around, he/she will say "I fucked up but, I will fix it"... The pseudo-doms look for someone to blame and jump ship because it was "not their fault". You want to find a leader? You want to find a "Dom"? See who is there when hell has broken lose and is willing to do fix it no matter who caused it.



DesFIP -> RE: How do you know? (11/30/2013 10:41:43 AM)

Introvert does not mean submissive, extrovert does not mean dominant.

Confidence however does tend to be a characteristic displayed by dominants. For example, if you and your date are discussing where to go for dinner, saying "Gee, I don't know, what do you want to do" does not come off as though you are leading the relationship.

I'm sure you do have some thoughts. You may hate seafood or not be in the mood for spicy food. In such a case saying "Anything but Mexican or Thai" would come across stronger. So would "unless you're allergic, I want to go to that new Italian restaurant".

Are you afraid to offer up your ideas? Because there has to be a leader in the relationship and if you refuse to be it, expect to have a power struggle.



lloydirving -> RE: How do you know? (11/30/2013 11:01:04 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Introvert does not mean submissive, extrovert does not mean dominant.

Confidence however does tend to be a characteristic displayed by dominants. For example, if you and your date are discussing where to go for dinner, saying "Gee, I don't know, what do you want to do" does not come off as though you are leading the relationship.

I'm sure you do have some thoughts. You may hate seafood or not be in the mood for spicy food. In such a case saying "Anything but Mexican or Thai" would come across stronger. So would "unless you're allergic, I want to go to that new Italian restaurant".

Are you afraid to offer up your ideas? Because there has to be a leader in the relationship and if you refuse to be it, expect to have a power struggle.


I used to be that way actually. Afraid to make choices. An anxiety disorder that I remind myself to fight against every day. However for a long time now, of everyone I know nowadays, I tend to be the person having to make the decisions. I start feeling more like Jafar in regards to the Sultan. I have no real interest in being in charge, but I seem to do it anyway after fixing the problems. Just the quiet friendly shy guy rather than the creepy evil guy. Or the character from Mario Brothers.

Ok I am being serious, my mind tends to see humorous things.

No, not afraid to offer up ideas. Been burned a lot relationship-wise so in groups of people and anything more than friends, and I feel unsure of myself. Yet, you make a point. I still tend to decide where to eat, where to go, what to do and when to do it. I ask others opinions and don't mind if they have something they decide they want to do. I just seem to always end up being the person deciding what to do and how to do it. I dislike that 'do whatever you want' escapism. I'd rather just pick a choice on anything and then stick to it with just about anything. It's why I now know I am not a fan of whale fat.

Thing is, it feels so egotistical to even talk about it. Like by doing so it comes of as bragging or pigheaded. There's a fine line between confidence and being a stubborn jackass and I try to be aware of that limit. Still I will dig in my heels if I feel it is a good idea even if no one else thinks it is.

Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. DesFIP and TieMeInKnottss.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: How do you know? (11/30/2013 11:32:26 AM)

Very often the most dominant person in the room is *not* the one who appears dominant. As has been pointed out, a dominant does not have to be an extrovert, nor does he/she have to always be the one with the answers.

Often the best dominants are the quiet guy (or woman) in the corner who's listening and observing and taking in everything that's going on. The slow deliberate thinker as opposed to the quick decision maker.

Confidence that comes from within and the ability to lead a relationship are the two hallmarks of a good dominant, and these are traits that can be found among many different personality types.






evesgrden -> RE: How do you know? (11/30/2013 1:14:52 PM)

still waters run deep on both sides of the kneel



MarcEsadrian -> RE: How do you know? (11/30/2013 1:17:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lloydirving
My question is, are there any more soft spoken or uncertain doms out there or is that rarely a trait? Is one of the main requisites confidence and an outward personality? What are your thoughts on this?


I can be soft-spoken or harsh. I can be introverted or extroverted. I am confident, but secure enough to be honest when I'm unsure about things. That is a manifestation of confidence in and of itself. And so we arrive upon perceptions of things vs. their deeper truths.

I think forcing "dominant" into a simple binary opposition leads to several paths that slowly diverge from the core of what it means to be dominant. Confidence, for instance, is part of the amalgam, but that alone, by far, isn't the only ingredient. The ability to back up that confidence or reign in your impulses a little counts equally well. The knack for being influential and wrapping consistent structure around your authority to increase that influence is another key. It's also important to have the ability to think for yourself and not borrow from others too much.

Extroversion in and of itself has nothing to do with dominance. That which is within is what matters. What chemistry lies at the core of a star depends upon the light it emanates.



Focus50 -> RE: How do you know? (11/30/2013 1:26:54 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Very often the most dominant person in the room is *not* the one who appears dominant. As has been pointed out, a dominant does not have to be an extrovert, nor does he/she have to always be the one with the answers.

Often the best dominants are the quiet guy (or woman) in the corner who's listening and observing and taking in everything that's going on. The slow deliberate thinker as opposed to the quick decision maker.

Confidence that comes from within and the ability to lead a relationship are the two hallmarks of a good dominant, and these are traits that can be found among many different personality types.


This, right here...!

There is another (false) perception that a male dom is/must also be an alpha-male type. The big presence in the room, oozing charisma etc, the one others look to for answers or even instructions. By definition, that requires an entourage to be the alpha of. Certainly not me; I'm the independent or loner type and have no need for such social groups and their hierarchies.

I'm the alpha in my personal relationships - fullstop. And I'm only interested in leading someone who has a need to follow. Don't wanna be with anyone who doesn't freely wanna be with me, but we do it *my* way. So yeah, at social functions (including D/s munches), I'm more a listener than a talker, unless someone is actually engaging me.

To me, it all boils down to the one thing that matters most; your personal relationship. Do you want to (and need to) lead or follow - assuming it's one or the other, as opposed to the theory of egalitarian relationships. Ultimately, the only one you have to convince is your chosen partner, not a bunch of chest-beating strangers on the periphery of your everyday. And the big one, no matter what personality you project, have the self-confidence to be the person/dom you think or believe you are.

Focus.



DesFIP -> RE: How do you know? (11/30/2013 7:05:49 PM)

To me the telling point is that you say you have no real interest in being in charge. To me, that's what defines a dominant. The desire to be in charge, to want the responsibilities that come with leading the relationship.

So do you only want to be in charge in the bedroom? Because that's fine. As long as you're clear about it when talking to potential partners. Do you just want to tie girls up or spank them hard? Nothing wrong with that.

And there's equally nothing wrong in wanting someone else to be in charge so you don't have to keep expending energy fighting your anxiety disorder.

What does your ideal relationship look like? Once you figure that out, then you can look for it.



littlewonder -> RE: How do you know? (11/30/2013 7:57:35 PM)

Who wants someone who isn't confident?

Confidence is sexy. Imo if my partner didn't ooze confidence I would have zero interest in him.

To me, having that high feelings about himself is what makes him dominant for me. He leads. He shows it. He does it.




lloydirving -> RE: How do you know? (11/30/2013 8:29:50 PM)

Wow, this has given me a lot to read and think over. . . Where I live, I see too many strong willed people completely sure of themselves, and it feels ridiculous, especially since the majority of them end up ruining anything they touch and screwing their lives like twits, and I don't connect with that. When I went to the BDSM events, I'm still a bit awkward.

It is nice to hear that there are at least a few here that I can connect with. I enjoy looking at myself and taking stock of who I am on a regular basis, and I need to challenge myself constantly which is tiring, but without it, I become complacent to the same issues I have with the world in general. It helps to listen hear and give voice to what I feel inside. I couldn't really put into words how I just 'am'. It is simply something most don't think of me as. However the more I think about it, I tend to be everyone's life raft. When things are bad, I fix things, when something has to be done, I take care of it. I'm 'Daddy'. Ha.

DesFIP, I suppose I try to pretend that to myself. That I don't want to lead or take charge, but when you said that, I had to question if that was true. . . I thought I felt like I didn't want to be in charge, but I end up getting territorial if someone is trying to do the same thing I want to do. I want to surpass and be better, I just don't want to be an ego freak about it. I suppose a better way to think about it, is that I listen for a while, watch what happens, and then take over once I feel I know enough.

And Ideal relationship? Not really certain. I haven't had many to begin with. I think that's why I'm here, to learn more about myself and to grow a little. I'm two people. On one hand, I like the idea of having individual lives, so I'm not needed, I'm wanted. Yet on the other hand, once you have experienced a little kinky play, it's hard to go back to regular. It works for my anxiety perfectly as well, I don't question anything when I am in that role, I know them down to their soul, and what I want is what they want. No worries, no anxiety, just freedom. It was intoxicating. I learned quickly that I loved the role and the more they wanted, the more I gave. It was fleeting and crazy, and I feel like I'm searching for what I want as well as who I am. So yeah, I am a bit anxiety ridden and shy, but deep down, I know what I am. Just want to learn more about it. Hoping to gain more knowledge listening first and talking later.

Although that was a lot I just ended up saying. . .:P



Kana -> RE: How do you know? (11/30/2013 9:38:01 PM)

quote:

here I live, I see too many strong willed people completely sure of themselves, and it feels ridiculous, especially since the majority of them end up ruining anything they touch and screwing their lives like twits, and I don't connect with that. When I went to the BDSM events, I'm still a bit awkward.

Dooood-you are doing a number on yourself and falling for the packaging. All people have doubt. All people wrestle with shit. Everybody questions themselves and no one, as in not one single soul, is 100% confident all the time.
And everyone,male, female, slave,dom-we all feel fear and we all suffer from situational awkwardness.
It's not a dominant/undominant question, it's the human condition
quote:

I am quiet and thoughtful, even a bit goofy.

Sounds like me,especially as a younger man
quote:

I tend to listen and offer thoughts rather than advice.

Wise man. Advice bounces back on the giver.Me-I share experience,let the reader find their own advice within.
quote:

I generally prefer to weigh all the information and keep an open mind.

Which is exactly how I roll through life
quote:

I have my limits of course as I have a high morality, I simply enjoy learning.

Which is awesome.

This IJMHO and all,but the one absolute essential ingredient to being a good dominant is humility.
The humility to recognize not just ones limits but others failings. The humility to recognize one doesn't know it all,seek to grow and actually have the capacity to listen and learn when feedback is given.
The ability you describe to self evaluate is an important part of that process.If you can do it honestly,then all the better.


Look,what you are describing is pretty common.Most dominants go through it for while.The single best thing that can be done to educate yourself is actually do this thing. Find a gal. Explore each other, together. Learn what makes her click,how you react.
Have a few relationships. As things progress,as you learn (And get hurt-yeah, that'll happen a few times), that confidence and self awareness will come.
But that happens experientially. Life is not an equation to be solved but rather a process to be experienced and lived.




KnightofMists -> RE: How do you know? (11/30/2013 9:39:12 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lloydirving



I understand that people come in all shapes and sizes, but it's astonishing how confident most dominating people are. I suppose by all of my personality quirks, most assume that my role is more submissive, yet I have been put in various situations before. Both in the BDSM world, but also in social situations, even life threatening situations. When I am pushed, my personality pushes back hard, and the dominating part of me roars out. My question is, are there any more soft spoken or uncertain domms out there or is that rarely a trait? Is one of the main requisites confidence and an outward personality? What are your thoughts on this?



Personally... I have found that confidence is hardly common in Dominant personalities anymore or less than in submissive personalities.

Outward or extroverted personalities is not a required. Neither is confidence for that matter. I am highly introverted and not one to look for centre stage in most cases. Secondly... Confidence can be acquired and learned like many other skills. Few if anyone is born with natural confidence and I suspect most who have it earned it like so many other things in life. But like many things, if one doesnt grow in confidence it is unlikely they will have succeeded in much or will they.



Kana -> RE: How do you know? (11/30/2013 9:41:28 PM)

Last point-Confidence does not have to shout from the rooftops.In fact, I've generally found that while some shallower type gals might to drawn to that type,to most I know it's a real turnoff. In fact,for smart gals,it's a severe red flag (Because obviously overt bravado usually covers fear and thin egos)
Most gals like either quiet confidence or a natural leader or some combination of the two.



lloydirving -> RE: How do you know? (12/1/2013 11:16:46 AM)

Thank you all for the pleasant discussion. :) It's refreshing to have spirited intelligent conversations and it has given me a lot to think about. (I'm repeating myself but I digress) I think as I have met so few people in Alaska, it simply appeared as if the point of being dominant was to be loud and abrasive. I suppose stereotypes exist for all types of people. I now find it interesting to think about a someone who normally appears one way in public, such as in charge or strong willed, will prefer to be dominated by their soft spoken partner. I am glad to know that I am at least not some new anomaly. That was more or less what I was attempting to understand.

I appreciate your words Kana, I will probably have a lot of questions here as well. I already have a few popping into my head, however I want to think about them before posting them. On the subject of finding a partner however, I highly doubt I will find a partner in Alaska for the time being. I'm open to it of course, yet so far most of my successes happened outside of the state(Minnesota State, Seattle, two nights in Whitehorse, etc.) as I have found that the pickings are either far too young(getting hit on by a 16 year old is just weird when you have been a teacher), or committed in a relationship, or simply are not what I'm looking for. That will be a different discussion and a new question I have. I will keep my eyes open and I will see what happens for the time being.

KnightofMists, I actually assumed that true Introverts were more dominant types anyway. In psychology, a simple terminology I found to explain it to others, was that Extroverts get energy from other people, while Introverts make their own energy. It's why many loner friends who seem egotistical, are only getting frustrated with my outward friends because it feels like they are vampires trying to steal all their vitality(Not to be confused with my Vamp friends who actually do want to bite you. I have the marks to prove it.). Someone who doesn't need attention or loud groups acknowledging them sounded like a person who would be more comfortable with the dominant role. It's such an enjoyment to gain all this insight without weird ridicule for asking. Thank goodness for the Internet. :)



DesFIP -> RE: How do you know? (12/1/2013 12:16:29 PM)

You are comparing your inside to other people's outsides. You don't know if they really are all that confident, actually if they fuck up then they weren't. They were just pretending.

It's important not to do this.

The Man is fine with someone else being in charge as long as they do it well. If he sees them screwing up, that's when he moves in. And since he takes the time to learn about stuff, when he does take over, he does a damn good job.

But he doesn't want to rule the world. He doesn't want to be in charge of everyone he meets. He actually saves this for people he cares about. Because they're worth him investing the time in. Other people aren't.



KnightofMists -> RE: How do you know? (12/1/2013 1:33:55 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lloydirving

KnightofMists, I actually assumed that true Introverts were more dominant types anyway.


Can't say I agree with that. Dominance is not a reflection of one being introvert or extroverted.

quote:



In psychology, a simple terminology I found to explain it to others, was that Extroverts get energy from other people, while Introverts make their own energy.


That is not exactly accurate. Extroverts find being with people to be an energizing experience for them. This doesnt mean they get energy from other people. It just people are a necessary catalyst for them to energize themselves. Introverts on the other hand find being with people inhibits their ability to energize themselves. Both find their own energy... They just do it differently.

quote:



It's why many loner friends who seem egotistical, are only getting frustrated with my outward friends because it feels like they are vampires trying to steal all their vitality(Not to be confused with my Vamp friends who actually do want to bite you. I have the marks to prove it.). Someone who doesn't need attention or loud groups acknowledging them sounded like a person who would be more comfortable with the dominant role. It's such an enjoyment to gain all this insight without weird ridicule for asking. Thank goodness for the Internet. :)



Extroverts are not energy vampires. Energy vampires are just people that can't find it in themselves and latch on to those that can. Sorry to say introverts are not super human or true dominants either. They are just ordinary people like extroverts.



directiveerror -> RE: How do you know? (12/1/2013 2:02:28 PM)

i think its easy to associate bravo with dominance just because it's the first thing you see, in one hand you have someone shouting "i always get what i want" in the other you have someone sitting there smiling to themselves blissfully unaware. dominance as it is defined(in the dictionary) is "power and influence over others". now that being said someone with 'swagger'(as an ex put it) has in immediate effect on people be it positively or negatively. someone with an in your face personality is in many cases hard to ignore, you are being effected... at least that is the goal, that is where the other party comes in... the unaffected. they dont care, you can shout all you want, throw things, have a fit, they will just sit their and wait until you decide its time to be rational. now this may not be dominant because as the word is defined it is "power and influence OVER others" and people who use this method tend to want you to see things a different way sure, but they want you to come to that conclusion yourself, a little prodding and then let you stand on your own 2 feet. of course there are a lot more variations, and all sorts of trickery people use to gain control over others. extroversion does not mean that it is their intent to gain that influence, introversion does not mean that they wont use other means to...force it. and a lot of people both introverted and extroverted have no desire to control other people, they just like having control of themselves and the followers they gain along the way are of little consequence.



KnightofMists -> RE: How do you know? (12/1/2013 7:26:42 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: directiveerror

i think its easy to associate bravo with dominance just because it's the first thing you see, in one hand you have someone shouting "i always get what i want" in the other you have someone sitting there smiling to themselves blissfully unaware. dominance as it is defined(in the dictionary) is "power and influence over others". now that being said someone with 'swagger'(as an ex put it) has in immediate effect on people be it positively or negatively. someone with an in your face personality is in many cases hard to ignore, you are being effected... at least that is the goal, that is where the other party comes in... the unaffected. they dont care, you can shout all you want, throw things, have a fit, they will just sit their and wait until you decide its time to be rational. now this may not be dominant because as the word is defined it is "power and influence OVER others" and people who use this method tend to want you to see things a different way sure, but they want you to come to that conclusion yourself, a little prodding and then let you stand on your own 2 feet. of course there are a lot more variations, and all sorts of trickery people use to gain control over others. extroversion does not mean that it is their intent to gain that influence, introversion does not mean that they wont use other means to...force it. and a lot of people both introverted and extroverted have no desire to control other people, they just like having control of themselves and the followers they gain along the way are of little consequence.



I hear what your saying. But I think what is missing in the definition of Dominance that you relate is that the power and influence on others is in the direction to ones own will or desires. A person can behave in anyway they want but frankly if you are not getting the results that you want from others... It's hardly Dominant behaviour. Maybe boorish is the proper term in some of those situations.




StrictlySussex -> RE: How do you know? (12/3/2013 5:28:37 AM)

I'm 42 yrs old, should by now be confident in myself but would I walk up to a single woman in a bar and ask for a date, probably not.
Would I do a 1001 kinky things with a sub in a session or at an event, yes I would.

I need to be in my own comfort zone to feel confident. Many of us have ways of dealing with situations where we don't feel at ease. Some people never show any signs but rest assured even us Doms get wobbly legs about certain things.



Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875