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AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Homework assignment's (12/2/2013 1:06:41 AM)
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Mind if I ask how long you've been his sub?
This whole 'no one has taken the time to teach me a damn thing' - even if they had, you would most likely need to start from scratch with a new partner. I've been married to my dom for seven years, D/s from the beginning, so I've had a decent amount of real-time experience. I would still get things wrong if I were suddenly with your dom instead, because every relationship is different. Doms and subs aren't interchangeable. Just something to bear in mind.
It sounds like you want a punishment dynamic, which is fine, but I wonder how much you have sat down and talked through all of the implications of this. From what you've told me, you've already incurred punishment on a rule you weren't clear on. That's the kind of thing that needs ironing out promptly or this is going to quickly start to feel like you can't win and there will be resentment.
I like a punishment dynamic, it works for me. BUT it took us a couple of years to figure out the right balance because it's a complicated thing. In reality, punishment alone doesn't change behaviour unless it's so horrifically severe that you daren't risk it again (and let's hope you wouldn't be in a relationship where that was a possibility). What changes the behaviour is a thorough understanding of why certain behaviours are desirable, a genuine desire to change, feeling that your needs are being met AND the appropriate tools to make a change, like practice or reminders. If you're being punished before the rules are totally clear, it's not going to work. If you slip up and get a spanking and that's the end of it, your behaviours will never change and you will end up in a vicious cycle. In other words, punishment should only be used as an add-on to all the normal relationship problem-solving methods, like talking, thinking about each other's needs, working together. You don't get to skip all that stuff and do spankings instead.
Some things to consider - you don't need to post the answers here if you don't want to, but I'd make sure you both agree on them:
- Exactly what are the rules? I suggest you pick one or two and build up slowly.
- How are you making sure you are both clear on the rules?
- What are the consequences for breaking the rules?
- How do things change in an emergency?
- What if you genuinely forget?
- Is there going to be a grace period for you to get used to the rules?
- If this involves a change of habit, how are you both going to help you change? Sticky notes? Daily practice? A code-word to remind you?
- Are these rules realistic for your lives?
- Are they making the relationship better or are they just for show?
- What is the goal of the punishment? (not just 'to train me' - specifically. To make up for what you did wrong? To help you remember next time? To show that you are still committed to the dynamic?)
- How often will you review the rules to make sure they are still relevant?
- How will you communicate to him if one of the rules is unsuitable?
Contrary to popular belief, you do have a say in what rules you follow. If something makes you miserable, or is just flat impossible to do (because you don't know how, or because it interferes with your work, for example) you need to be able to tell him and know you will be taken seriously. Rules with no point are harder to remember and follow - aim for rules that have a demonstrable benefit to the relationship. And communicate constantly. This is extra important given your background. Consider keeping a journal to get your thoughts straight on the matter.
And I know I've already said it, but it's so important I'm going to repeat it: there should not be punishments until you are perfectly clear on the rules and the terms. That is destructive to your dynamic.
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