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RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/4/2013 4:04:38 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Now I have no problem with my subs having pleasure; but frankly I'd prefer that their greatest pleasure be giving me pleasure. Is that so odd? Why is it that I see so little of people writing about that? (Or am I just looking in the wrong places?)

I always look for this.
My perception is that she is in my life to make it better. That may mean easier, less lonely,less blueballed, whatever,but in the end that's her role. If she can't do that,why would I have her as a slave?
I have three rules regarding her point in being with me-it's to serve, please and obey. That's it.
And I go into conversations with potentials/applicants with that in mind and intent.
I go into those things thinking it's her job to sell herself to me.
Amazingly enough,not only don't women get upset at that, the vast majority that I've met have found it a welcome breath of fresh air and enjoyed it immensely.
Why?
Because they have all these wannabe "doms"who craft the experience around her wishes/wants/desires, ignoring the base fact that the one thing she wants, fuck, craves,is someone to take charge.
Yeah-gals here, they kinda seem to be attracted to men who take control in a non assholish way.I can't imagine why...

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/4/2013 10:38:49 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
If you want to find someone who puts your pleasure first, and who gets off because you're getting off, you'll probably have to offer more than play only. You're asking for a depth of emotional commitment, so you have to provide something worth committing to.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatnoire
If you're just looking for kinky sex, no need to dress it up. There are plenty of people looking for solely that. But, if all you're offering is kinky sex, then that's all you have any right to expect in return.

quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

Let's face facts here. You want to be selfish and find a no strings attached relationship where you can get all your needs met. However, a lady wanting a no strings attached relationship is also selfish and looking to get her needs met.

Her needs not met = she finds someone who will meet her needs

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

It's hard to inspire someone to please you when they're nothing but occasional play dates. And I agree with the others, you're not domming them, that takes a commitment, your topping.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity
You are expecting way too much for what you are willing to give in return, OP. You are wanting someone who you just expect to be a side deal to give you the catering and devotion with no work or effort on your part. Who honestly is going to want to sign on for that one sided deal? Great for you, but shitty for them.

This. ^^^^ ALL of it.

NBMG


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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/4/2013 11:51:00 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		Most doms consider it fun to DO the stuff to a sub. It is kind of the whole yin/yang of this stuff...one person enjoys making decisions, bossing someone around, tying up and driving another to brink ..The other enjoys being on the opposite side. Yes, there are those "live for his/her pleasure" types but typically they are looking for a 24/7 involvement whether it be mono or poly.

I get your point...why do it if it is not fun BUT maybe your not as turned on by being a Dom as you thought you would...you then need to change what you are looking for... Maybe intro "kinky" play into your primary relationship where her interest is in your happiness

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/4/2013 11:57:55 PM   
StrictlySussex


Posts: 24
Joined: 11/25/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

Most doms consider it fun to DO the stuff to a sub.



Oh yes! The doing stuff is all part of the enjoyment. I don't need a typical male "happy ending". I need a happy sub contacting me again.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/5/2013 12:01:43 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I wouldn't consider you a dom or a service top.
The things you consider work are things most of us consider enjoyable.
Men I have been involved with get great enjoyment from torturing me. They love the look of pain and fear. It makes them happy.

You don't seem to be into giving the bottom the attention they need. You want pleasure to focus on you instead.

For me that makes you a player. And likely one who wants a piece on the side, discreetly so as not to rock his perfect boat.


Agreed. Another lazy guy, wanting to have his cake and probably not eating it because that is too much work. Yawn

You don't seem to understand that the most invested a sub will be, is when cares about you and vice versa.

There is no insta-submission where a woman will not expect her needs met as well.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/5/2013 3:06:58 AM   
itsSIRtou


Posts: 836
Joined: 3/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity

~FRing it~

You are expecting way too much for what you are willing to give in return, OP. You are wanting someone who you just expect to be a side deal to give you the catering and devotion with no work or effort on your part. Who honestly is going to want to sign on for that one sided deal? Great for you, but shitty for them.

The reality is that dominance is an incredible amount of work and responsibility on the dominant's part. As it should be when you assume control over another human being. If it's not work you are willing to do, do yourself and these ladies both a huge favor and just don't do it.



ST,...I could not of expressed that point better..... well said Sir......

,,,to which I will add to the OP, IMO... ur not even a top,....because just topping ALSO requires some amount of effort on ur part as well,...... even the slightest bit of Dominance is NOT a lazy pursuit.

sorry OP...there is no true reward without work.

< Message edited by itsSIRtou -- 12/5/2013 3:19:12 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/5/2013 3:23:40 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm not sure why he calls himself a dominant because he's just looking for some sex on the side.
He isn't a top because he isn't interested in topping or any kinky sex.

As far as I can tell, his definition of dom is just getting blowjobs on demand. That's the reward you get for being the leader of the relationship. But you aren't offering a relationship nor any leadership nor any kinky fun.

Just what are you offering?

However, if his gf/wife isn't willing to meet these women and talk to them, it's moot point as only the most naive would agree to meet with him.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/6/2013 5:25:07 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I'm not sure why he calls himself a dominant because he's just looking for some sex on the side.
He isn't a top because he isn't interested in topping or any kinky sex.

As far as I can tell, his definition of dom is just getting blowjobs on demand. That's the reward you get for being the leader of the relationship. But you aren't offering a relationship nor any leadership nor any kinky fun.

Just what are you offering?

However, if his gf/wife isn't willing to meet these women and talk to them, it's moot point as only the most naive would agree to meet with him.


Yep - no experience, no idea what a dom is, somewhat transparent horn-dog motives AND he's apparently got at least two fem/subs queued up to go. If this wasn't the internet, I'd be sceptical....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 28
(from OP) - 12/7/2013 9:02:47 PM   
Argossy


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/3/2013
Status: offline 		Wow, what a great bunch of replies! Everything from "you suck" to "you're an idiot" to "right on, dude." What a vibrant community!

I take all your advice to heart, and all your criticism with a grain of salt. I am who I am, and the women I am working with are willing and eager. So labels be damned (kickass, StrictlySussex). If you don't like how we roll, that's fine.

Kana was the only person who replied who seemed to get what I was aiming for. That's fine. I understand that I'm not in-line with this community. I don't like pain-play. I don't like bondage. I think those are stupid. Tough. I love Dom/sub. And I think it can exist without any need for the other two. That's my kink, and perhaps it's not yours.

My question, which nobody approached, was for some inspiration about some fun things than can be done in a Dom/sub scenario. I specifically mentioned that these are playdates, since of course that's relevant. I and the ladies I've been working with are all newbies. You don't need to treat us like shit just because we haven't had a lot of experience. They want some no-strings investigation of D/s, and so do I. If it works out well (which it very much has been with one of them), then we can dive deeper. Heck, with that one, most of our fun has been intellectual. We've connected on high-level intellect and base animal Dom/sub. It rocks.

And it is a lot of work. I have no qualms about that. I just don't want that work to be all about me doing whatever I can to pleasure her. She gets deep satisfaction out of pleasuring me. And so do I. That's my vision of D/s.

What I am asking for is more suggestions for where we can go with that scenario.

If that's odd to you, then my kink isn't for you, and go post in another thread. If you have some constructive advice, I'd love to hear it.

Thanks!

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: (from OP) - 12/7/2013 9:13:18 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Well, if it was me, it would involve a goodly amount of spanking and some breast/nipple play. Because that's what I like.

If she wants to please you, then YOU get to do what you like.

I'm a bit confused here. I think of a sub as an all-you-can-eat buffet - whatever you like, grab it and take it. Continuing that analogy, you're asking us what foods to take but you're the one who knows what he likes.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Argossy)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: (from OP) - 12/7/2013 9:13:37 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		If you can find compatible partners within the parameters of what you are seeking, that is great.

People offered you reasons why it is unlikely to work; I offered a possible scenario.

If her acting like your whore is too close for humiliation, then okay.

But here's the thing; our scenarios are unlikely to work for you and your play partners.
Reason being: we are not you nor her.

So A)figure out the specifics of what turns you on and B)then find compatible women.
Then create a scene that incorporates A.

We don't know what images, sounds, scents turn you on.


edit: typo

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 12/7/2013 9:29:44 PM >

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(in reply to Argossy)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: (from OP) - 12/7/2013 9:23:21 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline 		OP,

Every partner and every relationship is different. While we can throw ideas out there, each partner you have will bring different things to the table, and each one might inspire you differently. And ultimately, this is about what you and your partner want.

We can't tell you what you want, or what a partner might be able to do for you. In simpler terms, I could offer you a great idea that your partner hates, which would be useless. I could suggest something that you aren't thrilled about, but your partner wants. So, what do you do then?

This isn't meant to dodge your question, it's meant to refine it, giving you something to think about so that you can better decide what works for you.



_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.


(in reply to Argossy)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: (from OP) - 12/7/2013 9:40:42 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

I love Dom/sub. And I think it can exist without any need for the other two.

1-I love dom/sub too.For me,it's the trunk from which all other ranches of BDSM stem.
2-Of course it can exist without pain or bondage. Those would more precisely fall under B&D or S&M,not D/S.

That said, for me, it's tough to do real deep D/S on a hit and run basis.Mostly because a lot of the d/S stuff I do is based around mental/emotional areas and that means knowing the other party well enough to know their buttons, what turns em on and off, what they fear/hate/degrades/humiliates them. It also means being around to do damage control if need be.
It means being there to settle any nerves jangles, clear up any lines crossed, and just to emotionally be present in dealing with the aftermath.
The tough thing is that B&D and S&M can be pretty much done on a drop of a dime, being more external in nature.Whereas D/S deals with internals, intangibles. As such,it needs lots more care/awareness and time invested.
But that's just my experience.
My feedback would e find what you like to do and have the slut do it cuz in the end,that's who it's about-you and her...and that's pretty much the only thing that matters

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to RemoteUser)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: (from OP) - 12/8/2013 12:08:58 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Awesome post, Kana.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: (from OP) - 12/8/2013 11:01:52 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

OP, you are asking people who do not know you, do not know these women, and are not privy to ANY conversations you have had...and then expecting us to come up with the outline of what you should do and when you should do it. How is that going to be helpful to you? There is no one size fits all approach when it comes to this. What I do with my guy, what he does with me...it's all based on our knowledge and conversations with each other. It's not what I got from a bunch of people I don't know, who don't know me, and don't know him either.

You are new...fine, no big deal. But you are going to have to figure this stuff out on your own because the only common factor in all of this is...YOU.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/8/2013 11:35:05 AM   
sheisreeds


Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Argossy

So I have some great ideas for how I will initiate them, but I have been looking for ideas for where to go after that initial ramp-up. When I read literature, I find what stuff that is very confusing to me: the Dom working his ass of to pleasure the sub; usually through pain though sometimes through bondage, humiliation, etc. There are a lot of forms taken, but all of them look to me like domming from the bottom -- where the Dom is actually serving the sub by doing his best to create the most pleasurable experience for her.

Now I have no problem with my subs having pleasure; but frankly I'd prefer that their greatest pleasure be giving me pleasure. Is that so odd? Why is it that I see so little of people writing about that? (Or am I just looking in the wrong places?)


I guess the point is that all that work that doms put in they usually put in because they want to, not the submissive. Speaking as a sadist, I enjoy sadism. I enjoy the ritual, the set up, and causing the pain. I love the control, the power, and the act of physically and emotionally turning a partner into my conduit.

There's nothing like after the initial breakdown that moment when every action I take causes an immediate and direct reaction in them. A quiver, a scream, a moan. When every muscle in body is malleable to my action. Love that.

I'm also a switch and in the past have been a session based submissive. I am also a masochist and there was a heavy S&M component to sessions as well but it wasn't all about me.

I look at D/s in combination with S&M like this, the submissive may enjoy being a canvas, but the dominant enjoys painting and chooses what the picture is. There have been plenty of times I have not been comfortable or and sometimes downright terrified and upset with the intended final product, but it was not my role to choose that, it is my role to be the canvas when I am the submissive, it is my role to be the conduit and obey. The joy for me in those moments is being used in that way for and at the will of another.

Also, you may find that an interest in S&M grows in you over time. When I first got into this 12 years ago 90% of the shit I do on either side of the kneel would have sent me packing. 5 years ago as I was deepening my interest I still had barely an inkling that I had a dominant not to mention a sadistic side at all.

I also found sadism to be a bit uncomfortable at times when I was learning. It's a skill and at first the bottoms and/or submissives got a whole lot more out of it than I did as a BDSM experience, though I got the time and experience in to further the knowledge and later on fully enjoy and be immersed in what I'm doing without putting my partner at risk.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in


You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to Argossy)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: (from OP) - 12/8/2013 12:33:17 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Argossy

Wow, what a great bunch of replies! Everything from "you suck" to "you're an idiot" to "right on, dude." What a vibrant community!

I take all your advice to heart, and all your criticism with a grain of salt. I am who I am, and the women I am working with are willing and eager. So labels be damned (kickass, StrictlySussex). If you don't like how we roll, that's fine.

Kana was the only person who replied who seemed to get what I was aiming for. That's fine. I understand that I'm not in-line with this community. I don't like pain-play. I don't like bondage. I think those are stupid. Tough. I love Dom/sub. And I think it can exist without any need for the other two. That's my kink, and perhaps it's not yours.

My question, which nobody approached, was for some inspiration about some fun things than can be done in a Dom/sub scenario. I specifically mentioned that these are playdates, since of course that's relevant. I and the ladies I've been working with are all newbies. You don't need to treat us like shit just because we haven't had a lot of experience. They want some no-strings investigation of D/s, and so do I. If it works out well (which it very much has been with one of them), then we can dive deeper. Heck, with that one, most of our fun has been intellectual. We've connected on high-level intellect and base animal Dom/sub. It rocks.

And it is a lot of work. I have no qualms about that. I just don't want that work to be all about me doing whatever I can to pleasure her. She gets deep satisfaction out of pleasuring me. And so do I. That's my vision of D/s.

What I am asking for is more suggestions for where we can go with that scenario.

If that's odd to you, then my kink isn't for you, and go post in another thread. If you have some constructive advice, I'd love to hear it.

Thanks!


OPP- I understand your frustration with the answers. Sometime it is hard in this type of format to get answers-one person goes off on a tangent & everyone responds to tHAT or some part of what you ask because the primary focus when, in reality, it was just an aside....and the real question is not "seen"

That said...it IS difficult to give ideas on this stuff... Most doms know what they like and start there.. Many of us, even new to the lifestyle, have years of fantasies to start with! I find doms to be VERY individualistic-one lives for torturing a willing victim (looking at you KANA!!). Some live for being able to humiliate, degrade or bimbofication.... Some are looking for service subs (much harder to find in the m/f dynamic). Another problem you will have here is that most people are into some element of BDSM- the Dom I play with is heavily into rope play and bondage (as am I) and discipline.. Others are sadists or masochists so, by eliminating that, you may not get many answers. Don't go to a Sci-Fi convention and ask for help on your baseball swing. You may find one or two but MOST will have no idea of how to help...

If you already have a sub, start with finding out what she likes/expects (most subs have preferences!) &, as I said, figuring out what YOU like... We may need to be nicer about saying it, but it is TRUE...we don't know anything about you two &therefore cannot really offer suggestions.

(in reply to Argossy)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: (from OP) - 12/8/2013 12:58:45 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hah-You would be shocked at our sex life right now. Mouse has had all sorts of physical ailments as of late so we've been utterly boring-lots of missionary position and,since she's been hurting so much in real life,I've even been allowing her many orgasms.
It's about as far from torture as can be.
Instead I'm kind, considerate, supportive and caring. I've even dusted off the old TLC mode once or twice.
I'm such a big softie

< Message edited by Kana -- 12/8/2013 1:03:32 PM >

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: (from OP) - 12/8/2013 3:08:00 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Hah-You would be shocked at our sex life right now. Mouse has had all sorts of physical ailments as of late so we've been utterly boring-lots of missionary position and,since she's been hurting so much in real life,I've even been allowing her many orgasms.
It's about as far from torture as can be.
Instead I'm kind, considerate, supportive and caring. I've even dusted off the old TLC mode once or twice.
I'm such a big softie


aaawww.....I'm not complaining.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: (from OP) - 12/8/2013 5:13:17 PM   
sheisreeds


Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline 		And I wanted to clarify the purpose in my post is if the OP ever wants to be a "master" it is important to understand motives of others. And the idea of Dominant Sadists putting all that work and fuss into their activities in order to please their submissives just makes me giggle, it don't work that way, I like hurting people. Cleaning my living room so I can draw some blood and practice new fire cupping techniques, not so I can please my partner.

Though that being said if needs of both parties are not met it will not last.

And man, in my house I cannot get some TLC without being called a dumb cunt, or some other similar insult, *sigh*

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in


You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 40
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