Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around

Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

Argossy -> Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/3/2013 8:25:52 PM)
Greetings! I freely admit I am a Dom, not a Master. That is, I am a relative newbie, and have no desire to call myself "Master" when I haven't earned the title. My subs will call me that when I have. So, despite being a relative newbie, I do have some very good sub candidates I've been nurturing. (What can I say, despite being inexperienced, I am good looking and intelligent. Apparently those count too.) I have an open vanilla relationship, and am only looking at Dom/sub as play. I am excited for my upcoming sessions with two different subs, and I am looking to make the most of them. I expect to work with each of them for the long-term, if things go well. So I have some great ideas for how I will initiate them, but I have been looking for ideas for where to go after that initial ramp-up. When I read literature, I find what stuff that is very confusing to me: the Dom working his ass of to pleasure the sub; usually through pain though sometimes through bondage, humiliation, etc. There are a lot of forms taken, but all of them look to me like domming from the bottom -- where the Dom is actually serving the sub by doing his best to create the most pleasurable experience for her. Now I have no problem with my subs having pleasure; but frankly I'd prefer that their greatest pleasure be giving me pleasure. Is that so odd? Why is it that I see so little of people writing about that? (Or am I just looking in the wrong places?) I hope you take this in the right spirit. I am a newbie; and I am not trying to criticize the community. I am just trying to find kindred spirits and get some advice and tips that I can model.

anniezz338 -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/3/2013 8:51:24 PM)
Submissives are not just some mindless animal. They have to want to follow where you lead. It's NOT just about you, no matter how good looking and intelligent you are (narcissistic comes to mind). Your OP reads like alot of profiles that I have read. They are the ones that are still looking after years. They only state what they want and how the sub will have no rights or feelings. Sounds like you are just looking for fuck buddies who will just do as you say. That does not make you a dom.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/3/2013 9:33:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Argossy Greetings! I freely admit I am a Dom, not a Master. That is, I am a relative newbie, and have no desire to call myself "Master" when I haven't earned the title. My subs will call me that when I have. So, despite being a relative newbie, I do have some very good sub candidates I've been nurturing. (What can I say, despite being inexperienced, I am good looking and intelligent. Apparently those count too.) I have an open vanilla relationship, and am only looking at Dom/sub as play. I am excited for my upcoming sessions with two different subs, and I am looking to make the most of them. I expect to work with each of them for the long-term, if things go well. So I have some great ideas for how I will initiate them, but I have been looking for ideas for where to go after that initial ramp-up. When I read literature, I find what stuff that is very confusing to me: the Dom working his ass of to pleasure the sub; usually through pain though sometimes through bondage, humiliation, etc. There are a lot of forms taken, but all of them look to me like domming from the bottom -- where the Dom is actually serving the sub by doing his best to create the most pleasurable experience for her. Now I have no problem with my subs having pleasure; but frankly I'd prefer that their greatest pleasure be giving me pleasure. Is that so odd? Why is it that I see so little of people writing about that? (Or am I just looking in the wrong places?) I hope you take this in the right spirit. I am a newbie; and I am not trying to criticize the community. I am just trying to find kindred spirits and get some advice and tips that I can model. You're not likely to attract subs if you're looking for play only. You're almost certain to attract bottoms. Personally, I think bottoms are awesome, but I find service topping to be challenging and rewarding. So it's a way I can serve both of us, not just her. If you want to find someone who puts your pleasure first, and who gets off because you're getting off, you'll probably have to offer more than play only. You're asking for a depth of emotional commitment, so you have to provide something worth committing to.

chatnoire -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/3/2013 9:48:42 PM)
Hello to you, too. I'm confused. quote: ...the Dom working his ass of to pleasure the sub; usually through pain though sometimes through bondage, humiliation, etc. From reading your post, it seems that you don't think the top gets anything out of those activities, that it's all for the bottom's benefit. Generally speaking, both the top and the bottom are getting their needs met. And as we're all kinky here, ipso facto those activities are going to be kinky. quote: I'd prefer that their greatest pleasure be giving me pleasure I fear you are doomed to disappointment, and let me explain why. You are already in a primary relationship, and your bits on the side are just for "playtime", in your own words. So...you don't have a lot to offer, however good-looking and intelligent you may be. All you are offering is playtime, which is not conducive to the sort of dynamic you seem to be looking for. If it's just playtime, then I am damned sure going to get my rocks off - otherwise, what's the point? I could go play with a man who is actually available for me to develop feelings for. Feelings which could lead- sometime in the future- to a relationship dynamic where I want to give him what he needs, regardless of what I get out of it. If you're just looking for kinky sex, no need to dress it up. There are plenty of people looking for solely that. But, if all you're offering is kinky sex, then that's all you have any right to expect in return.

myotherself -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/3/2013 10:04:54 PM)
My main aim with Master is to please him. Pleasing him pleases me. But the reason I want to please him is because we're in a committed relationship and we love each other. If he was just an occasional kinky fuck, then my focus would NOT be on pleasing him - it would be to please ME. Otherwise...what's the point?

DarkSteven -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/3/2013 10:15:21 PM)
I'm a Dom. As such, I want to earn control, and I want to exert control. The way I earn control is by thinkings: What is best for me? What is best for her? What is best for our relationship? It's not just me getting my own rocks off. It's about me trying to develop us in a positive way.

peppermint -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/3/2013 10:24:32 PM)
Let's face facts here. You want to be selfish and find a no strings attached relationship where you can get all your needs met. However, a lady wanting a no strings attached relationship is also selfish and looking to get her needs met. Her needs not met = she finds someone who will meet her needs What you are seeking has little to do with D/s. You wish to be the top and your play partner is the bottom. In actuality you will be a "service" top (see above to understand why) and take care of some of her needs as well as get some of yours satisfied. Again let me stress, in your circumstances nothing works unless it's about both of you serving the other to mutual satisfaction.

NuevaVida -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/3/2013 10:32:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 You're not likely to attract subs if you're looking for play only. You're almost certain to attract bottoms. Personally, I think bottoms are awesome, but I find service topping to be challenging and rewarding. So it's a way I can serve both of us, not just her. If you want to find someone who puts your pleasure first, and who gets off because you're getting off, you'll probably have to offer more than play only. You're asking for a depth of emotional commitment, so you have to provide something worth committing to. Totally agree with this, especially the bolded part. And the man I serve gets incredible pleasure out of giving me torment and pleasure. He doesn't find it to be work at all.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/3/2013 10:54:04 PM)
fr Yes there are lots of scenes in which the bottom is much more passive and the top is working hard. That doesn't necessarily mean the bottom is the only one getting anything out of it. The reason many people get into kink is because tying someone up, beating them, making them orgasm (or denying) is their idea of a good time. It's entirely possible that the sub/bottom IS serving the dominant's needs and doing it only for the dominant's pleasure, if, for example, the dominant likes to cane and the sub doesn't like to be caned. Of course you can invent scenes in which you are passive apart from giving orders, and the sub is working. But, as the others have said, you'd better make damn sure she's having a fabulous time or she won't come back. In a committed sub relationship, there can be enough emotional connection that seeing you smile is massively fulfilling, and that the dominant can sometimes be entirely selfish and do things that the sub doesn't enjoy in any way. That's because the rest of the relationship is there backing it up. In a fuck-buddy or play partner situation it's highly unlikely you'll find someone whose pleasure comes only from your pleasure. And really, it wouldn't be healthy your casual sub to feel that way, since you aren't available.

Focus50 -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/4/2013 2:02:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Argossy Greetings! I freely admit I am a Dom, not a Master. That is, I am a relative newbie, and have no desire to call myself "Master" when I haven't earned the title. My subs will call me that when I have. So, despite being a relative newbie, I do have some very good sub candidates I've been nurturing. (What can I say, despite being inexperienced, I am good looking and intelligent. Apparently those count too.) I have an open vanilla relationship, and am only looking at Dom/sub as play. I am excited for my upcoming sessions with two different subs, and I am looking to make the most of them. I expect to work with each of them for the long-term, if things go well. So I have some great ideas for how I will initiate them, but I have been looking for ideas for where to go after that initial ramp-up. When I read literature, I find what stuff that is very confusing to me: the Dom working his ass of to pleasure the sub; usually through pain though sometimes through bondage, humiliation, etc. There are a lot of forms taken, but all of them look to me like domming from the bottom -- where the Dom is actually serving the sub by doing his best to create the most pleasurable experience for her. Now I have no problem with my subs having pleasure; but frankly I'd prefer that their greatest pleasure be giving me pleasure. Is that so odd? Why is it that I see so little of people writing about that? (Or am I just looking in the wrong places?) I hope you take this in the right spirit. I am a newbie; and I am not trying to criticize the community. I am just trying to find kindred spirits and get some advice and tips that I can model. Seems to me you're looking to bypass any work and committment etc and go straight to payday. Sounds somewhat teenager-ish.... Makes me wonder if your other half of your vanilla relationship is aware she's in an open relationship, too? <shrugs> Anyway,yeah, if you're inclined to keep score I spose "playtime" does involve me doing most of the "heavy lifting" while she soaks up most of the sensations. But you make it sound like it's a chore when I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing to a submissive that I mostly can't do with a vanilla partner. Bondage: I like my girl tied and helpless and there's only one way that's gonna happen to my satisfaction. So pencil in 10-30 minutes and sometimes more of me "working" both at tying knots (and untying to start over) and maybe berating her for prematurely slipping into sub-space when all she has to do is passively co-operate. Sensation: Yep, spend much of the time messing with her pleasure and pain sensations; of teasing and torturing her with them. I love it all; her writhing, her moans, her confusion when I stop abruptly and surprise when I crank it up again. All the sweat and energy expended to make that happen; nup, still not work or anything like it. And after, when she's had all the pleasures (and pains), if I'm in the mood there's pretty much nothing she wouldn't do for me, even if her compliance wasn't expected, anyway. Mostly, she can own and enjoy more than an equal share of those good sensations because I get more out of her need to feel them. Kinda like a junkie chasing a fix, even. Of me controlling them.... And yanno, I like that she looks to me for them; that a man takes pride in satisfying his woman - and the often unintended reciprocal benefits that brings. C'mon, you're here looking for kinky sex. It's all about you and your dick, yeah? [:-] Focus.

StrictlySussex -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/4/2013 4:17:12 AM)
Connect with the person and always the person. The "labels" that so many people attach to each other can be confusing. Be honest, be patient. There are people here that will slap you down for using the wrong "labels", ignore them. Show people respect and honesty. Show them you are intelligent, do not write it. Prove it by your actions. I work my ass off (to use the US spelling) by posting and writing and blogging, it would be more cost effective to just hire a kinky hooker but that's as far removed from what I want. Life as a Dom takes time. You will find play-partners and there is absolutely nothing wrong with searching for that. You just need to be honest with all involved. If you want it easy, then D/s is not the place for you. edit - spelling

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/4/2013 4:40:22 AM)
It's hard to inspire someone to please you when they're nothing but occasional play dates. And I agree with the others, you're not domming them, that takes a commitment, your topping. Nothing wrong with topping, though I suggest you both fill out a check list so you're doing stuff you both enjoy.

StrictlySussex -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/4/2013 4:55:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt Nothing wrong with topping, though I suggest you both fill out a check list so you're doing stuff you both enjoy. Exactly, communicate. There are so many permutations in life, you simply cannot second guess what the other person wants or thinks they want. Hence why it takes a lot if time to find that Unicorn if ever. Be prepared to evolve as you find yourself in life. The 18yr old Dom, the 40yr old Dom, the 60yr old Dom all have evolved.

DesFIP -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/4/2013 8:41:40 AM)
Read through some bdsm checklists and decide what you're interested in doing. Then talk to women about these things and see if they're interested in the same stuff. If so, you're compatible. If not, don't waste their time. The aim is for both of you to enjoy time spent together. You maximize the odds of that happening by talking to people before you get naked. And be prepared for women to want to play with you without having sex. You need to negotiate for sex, like for play, you don't automatically get it. Sadists enjoy inflicting pain. Bondage tops enjoy tying people up. If you're interested in receiving pain or being tied up, then you're a bottom. Which has nothing to do with dominance. If you're not interested in pain play or bondage, then what are you interested in? Figure that out and look for someone with the same interests.

Missokyst -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/4/2013 9:19:29 AM)
I wouldn't consider you a dom or a service top. The things you consider work are things most of us consider enjoyable. Men I have been involved with get great enjoyment from torturing me. They love the look of pain and fear. It makes them happy. You don't seem to be into giving the bottom the attention they need. You want pleasure to focus on you instead. For me that makes you a player. And likely one who wants a piece on the side, discreetly so as not to rock his perfect boat.

kalikshama -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/4/2013 9:19:39 AM)
quote: My main aim with Master is to please him. Pleasing him pleases me. But the reason I want to please him is because we're in a committed relationship and we love each other. If he was just an occasional kinky fuck, then my focus would NOT be on pleasing him - it would be to please ME. Otherwise...what's the point? Yup ^ I had no problem giving a play partner a blow job or massage or dinner after a few blissful hours of being tied up and tortured, but if I wanted to just suck cock, I'd be on AFF (or at Ron's [8D])

kalikshama -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/4/2013 9:29:28 AM)
quote: I find what stuff that is very confusing to me: the Dom working his ass of to pleasure the sub; usually through pain though sometimes through bondage, humiliation, etc. There are a lot of forms taken, but all of them look to me like domming from the bottom -- where the Dom is actually serving the sub by doing his best to create the most pleasurable experience for her. Now I have no problem with my subs having pleasure; but frankly I'd prefer that their greatest pleasure be giving me pleasure. Is that so odd? I had several play partners who never took off their pants - they received pleasure from the pain they inflicted on me. I did find a man not wanting a happy ending odd, but I kept running into men like this (who I met here on CM.) Now I'm with someone who likes to do bad things to me before we get off, which works perfectly for me.

SeekingTrinity -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/4/2013 9:43:08 AM)
~FRing it~ You are expecting way too much for what you are willing to give in return, OP. You are wanting someone who you just expect to be a side deal to give you the catering and devotion with no work or effort on your part. Who honestly is going to want to sign on for that one sided deal? Great for you, but shitty for them. The reality is that dominance is an incredible amount of work and responsibility on the dominant's part. As it should be when you assume control over another human being. If it's not work you are willing to do, do yourself and these ladies both a huge favor and just don't do it.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/4/2013 10:18:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: myotherself My main aim with Master is to please him. Pleasing him pleases me. But the reason I want to please him is because we're in a committed relationship and we love each other. If he was just an occasional kinky fuck, then my focus would NOT be on pleasing him - it would be to please ME. Otherwise...what's the point? Slutty bunny ! ! !

angelikaJ -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/4/2013 12:36:57 PM)
There are women whose kink as it were, is to be in scenes in which they are treated as whores. It seems to be that would be the type who would be attracted to what you are looking for: NSA sexual encounters in which you tell her what you want and she gives it to you.

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875