RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around

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RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/17/2013 5:15:01 PM

JetOnly

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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

quote:

ORIGINAL: JetOnly

quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

I have a book with an essay that details typical Dom / sub / switch fantasies (based on fairly solid research).

The most common fantasy from male Doms? Giving a female submissive pleasure. Their fantasies involved things like forced orgasms or spanking her till she cums, making her masturbate at a particular time or place, etc.

Of course it's not wrong for you to fantasise about being given pleasure, however the reason you're reading a lot of Doms talking about the way they can control pleasure for their submissive is that this is a very common fantasy.

The group most likely to see submission as a way of enforcing pleasure for themselves? Switches.

There's nothing wrong with being selfish, it's just that Doms are rarely as self-centred or pleasured-focussed as mythology might have you believe.

Not wanting to start a fight - just asking is that really what your experience has been?? I am a switch and have been in relationships with other switches and when I am Dom it is in no way about being selfish just for me it is about me controling things based on the things BOTH of us enjoy - and quite a lot of it involves spending lots and lots of time on him
when I am a sub I am 100% wanting to give pleasure to him - and quite often that involves things like forcing myself to cum when he wants and as often as he wishes it
I dont know what others experience of switching is but for me it means that I have 2 completely different sides

I think you misread what was written.
The poster said that while there is nothing wrong with being selfish that Doms are rarely as self centered ad mythology might have one believe.

And you are saying that you are neither selfish when you are a dominant partner nor when you are a sub (unless you see wanting to give pleasure to another to be a selfish act... and I think it can be, but that is another post ).

I was responding to the bit saying that switches were the group most likely to see submission that way, I was just saying, in my experience, a swtich in a dom headspace IS a dom and thinks like a dom, or in a sub headspace they are a sub, I dont see how as a group we will be seeing submission as something different from other groups
:) I look forward to the giving pleasure to others is selfish thread :)

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RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/17/2013 8:25:48 PM

Focus50

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilcracker

Sorry OP, if all I did was sexually please some guy that was already in a committed vanilla relationship...it would not last very long unless I was getting paid or something.

You're a.... hooker?

Focus.

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RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/17/2013 11:19:25 PM

GotSteel

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"When I read literature, I find what stuff that is very confusing to me: the Dom working his ass of to pleasure the sub; usually through pain though sometimes through bondage, humiliation, etc."

I can't say this strongly enough, forget everything porn has told you about relationship dynamics.

Good luck you'll get the hang of things, in the mean time just try to act/treat people normal.

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Post #: 63

RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/18/2013 3:50:06 AM

lilcracker

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilcracker

Sorry OP, if all I did was sexually please some guy that was already in a committed vanilla relationship...it would not last very long unless I was getting paid or something.

You're a.... hooker?

Focus.

LOL I wish then I could quit my day job....but I would not want to be just some sex toy for some guy and get nada out of it.

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RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/18/2013 3:11:39 PM

Kana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

"When I read literature, I find what stuff that is very confusing to me: the Dom working his ass of to pleasure the sub; usually through pain though sometimes through bondage, humiliation, etc."

I can't say this strongly enough, forget everything porn has told you about relationship dynamics.

Good luck you'll get the hang of things, in the mean time just try to act/treat people normal.

In fairness, there's a whole lot of social conditioning in Western culture right now that teaches pretty much the same.
Think about every teen movie ever-where the boy chases the girl,goes wildly out of his way to please/impress/woo her. It's the whole High Fidelity thing-when almost every movie/video/song/book/commercial has told him the same thing since inception,that's gonna take a while to deprogram.
Most doms I've met go through a process of unlearning some base things early on. It can be a rough experience learning that this bitch, yeah, that submissive type cunt there kneeling at his feet, what she really wants is somebody to take the reins and establish some muther-effing dominion.

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Post #: 65

RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/18/2013 6:17:34 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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But if he doesn't want to be in charge, how can he make it good for her so that she'll come back for a replay?

And that's what's confused us from the first with the op. Okay, he doesn't enjoy topping at all. So he's not kinky.

Unless he enjoys bottoming when he gets it done to his specifications. But he hasn't said that. And if this is what he wants, he's going to have trouble finding it in NSA when the service top isn't getting anything enjoyable.

Is he just looking for a blow job, or lying there while she rides him? Okay, but there's no kink and no d/s there.

I just feel like he'd do better putting up an ad of Craigslist or ashleymadison, assuming that's the site where people go to cheat on their partners. I don't think anyone here is his target audience from what little info he's given.

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RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other ... - 12/23/2013 3:37:52 AM

dananddawn

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Argossy,

I can see where you are facing some confusion. The reason I top is because I enjoy it. I enjoy the power given to me when someone starts off very tight and slowly relaxes into completely surrendering to me. BDSM is one tool for that. But if a sensual touch session get us there, or service, then that is fine too.

If you find BDSM topping to be work, then don't do it and find something else to express your power. But find partners who resonate with that.

Dan

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Post #: 67

From OP - 1/10/2014 9:37:55 PM

Argossy

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Thank you all for your valuable feedback. My arrogance is toned down several notches already. :) And I've learned quite a bit both from you and from my experience to date.

One thing I'm rather surprised none of you called me on (unless I missed it)... a newbie Dom taking on two subs? Please. I now understand how totally unrealistic that is. Maybe I can aspire to multiple subs someday, but for now one is quite a handful. So one lesson learned: one sub politely redirected here to find a better fit, the other engaged with proper intensity.

With that one (my one true sub), our relationship has grown exponentially. She's highly intelligent. We find each other deeply interesting/intriguing on many levels. She hangs on my every word, and though I don't necessarily tell her this, I of course eagerly look forward to interactions with her. So here's the part I think I hadn't mentioned. We haven't met. I've been working with her for months, and have evolved a very nice and ever-deepening D/s relationship with her. It's far beyond sex, obviously, and extends deeply into how she lives her life. And how I live mine, because I do understand that "relationship" is inherently a bidirectional word.

Like me, she's not particularly into S&M. And as for B&D, neither of us is into more than the lightest stuff: some basic tying-up and perhaps some good old fashioned spanking. Does that make us "vanilla?" After all, we were drawn to each other by pure D/s: she to my Dom personality, and me to her willingness to serve.

So the question I was tiptoeing around in my OP was about how we ramp up a physical relationship. It's a thornier question than I'd like to admit. I am most certainly not looking to just lie back and get a blowjob. I enjoy expressing my dominance. Like I said, I have some good ideas for what I'd like and what would work well, but I honestly don't know if I have the creativity to keep it interesting and fresh for both of us. Or let me put it more bluntly: I'm afraid (yes, I'm not afraid to use that word

) that I might stumble and end up being very un-Dom-like simply because I'm floundering for where to go next.

Is that where B&D and S&M naturally come in for the rest of y'all? And yes, I mean specifically 'in the bedroom.' Is it the, "Well, okay, so we did that; let's push further and well, where does that take us?" mentality?

Also, I do in fact find this difficult to discuss with my sub. I can hint around it and tease out ideas from our interactions, but neither of us is interested in ending up with a situation where I'm just doing what she said she wants. In fact, the more we talk about it, the less D/s it feels. That's what motivated me to turn to this community for some outside ideas.

I do appreciate your honest replies. And even your harsh criticisms. I take them all in stride and enjoy the feedback. Thanks, all.

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RE: From OP - 1/10/2014 9:52:21 PM

littlewonder

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You haven't even met yet so you're really way, way, way ahead of yourself. For all you know, once you meet, she won't be anything at all like she is online if she is even a she.

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Post #: 69

RE: From OP - 1/11/2014 5:06:06 AM

Focus50

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Joined: 12/28/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Argossy

One thing I'm rather surprised none of you called me on (unless I missed it)... a newbie Dom taking on two subs? Please.

Page 2, post #28.

If you count overt sarcasm as "calling you" on it.... ;)

Focus.

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RE: From OP - 1/11/2014 6:04:44 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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Thanks for the update. I wonder why you haven't met this woman, b/c really until you meet, you really don't know if there is any sexual chemistry between you.

But that's another topic.

You appear to be asking how to be sexually dominant. That's a hard one, as most males are acculturated to NOT be sexually dominant. For example, be gentle, be nice, ask for everything to make sure the female is on board, make sure you're fulfilling her sexual needs. Anything else is considered 'rapey.'

It's up to you to overcome your past sexual acculturation so you can let your sexually dom side out to play. No one here can help you with that.

That you've been talking to this woman for months and neither of you is comfortable talking about your fantasies speaks volumes to me. It basically tells me you're both roleplaying a fantasy you may never be able to realize in real time.

As an aside, I have to add that asking for a sub's fantasies is a way to get to know her and understand how she ticks mentally. No one (except for yourself) sees that as a 'script' that the dom has to enact. Again, yet another clue that you're stuck in the roleplay.

If you like to roleplay, that's fine. Many couples start with that. There are many roleplay scenarios that lend themselves to D/s.

Sheik and harem slave, strict headmaster and naughty school girl, etc.

How much time have you spent analyzing your *own* fantasies?

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