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RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 8:10:18 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Copper29

I think it's only fair to have a specific board about 'negative experiences.' Those of you who don't read to read at it or look at it? No problem! Don't go to that board. Those of us that would be interested? Great! We have a safe and designated space to go. This isn't about libel or slandering-- it's about keeping people safe. Yes, I'm a domme, and yes, the expectation is that if I should meet a sub in real life I'm going to take every precaution and be as careful as possible about my safety and screening, and that I should also be in control. But the bottom line is that I am a 110 pound woman who could easily physically be overwhelmed by someone much larger than me-- which is why I do not meet subs online in real life. Period. But if I could, say, search the good/bad experiences or even just be aware of what was happening in the community around me, that would give me a great deal more comfort.





That is interesting, both you and the op have stated that you think this is a very important topic and yet neither one of you has taken the time to start a thread discussing it. You just keep coming back here and crying because there isn't a negative thread forum. How helpful is that?

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Profile   Post #: 121
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 8:13:57 AM   
Copper29


Posts: 25
Joined: 12/10/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi


quote:

ORIGINAL: Copper29

I think it's only fair to have a specific board about 'negative experiences.' Those of you who don't read to read at it or look at it? No problem! Don't go to that board. Those of us that would be interested? Great! We have a safe and designated space to go. This isn't about libel or slandering-- it's about keeping people safe. Yes, I'm a domme, and yes, the expectation is that if I should meet a sub in real life I'm going to take every precaution and be as careful as possible about my safety and screening, and that I should also be in control. But the bottom line is that I am a 110 pound woman who could easily physically be overwhelmed by someone much larger than me-- which is why I do not meet subs online in real life. Period. But if I could, say, search the good/bad experiences or even just be aware of what was happening in the community around me, that would give me a great deal more comfort.





That is interesting, both you and the op have stated that you think this is a very important topic and yet neither one of you has taken the time to start a thread discussing it. You just keep coming back here and crying because there isn't a negative thread forum. How helpful is that?


Yes, the hot tears are just rolling down my cheeks.

I have no desire for a thread. That would be messy and unorganized. I'd like a board, right under the positive experiences, devoted specifically to this. However, I'm not a mod, and have no interest in becoming one.

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Profile   Post #: 122
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 8:15:08 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Copper29
Fear for one's safety is not a first world privilege

Certainly not. But "doing BDSM/Ds" while sitting behind a computer, and calling for a specialized forum so you can read about the cyber misery of others, who may not even be telling the truth, is.

Your world is less dangerous than you think it is. You might think I'm making another unfounded assumption, but I'm not. The risk you run meeting people in real life is miniscule. I'm not saying you should run out and meet people. That's up to you, of course. I'm saying that if you post a bogus reason for not meeting people, you can expect someone to call you out.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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Profile   Post #: 123
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 8:43:23 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		Actually I think it will help. Like Copper, I weigh around 110lbs but when I met up with a 200lb 6ft 4" submissive male (off this site), I didn't consider my size an issue. I had years of experience behind my belt, I knew what to look out for, the dangers and yet, in this instance I was complacent or perhaps I had been complacent for a while. The result was me being attacked, the man wasn't submissive and I ended up in a whole heap of trouble that I won't go into here.

My point is, this was a real wake up call. I learnt a very tough lesson that day.

I didn't write about it on the boards here for quite some time because a) it was in police hands and b) I was too nervous (sensitive) about the repercussions of starting such a thread. I did however contact the owners of CM who were very professional in their response.

Sometimes its about the scattering of breadcrumbs. If my bad experience took shape because I was complacent, I should be allowed to inform/warn others. By doing so, it reminds people to take measures and hopefully avoid this sort of thing ever happening. If just one person takes this advice on board, then my job is done and what I went through somehow finds a purpose.

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Profile   Post #: 124
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 8:46:56 AM   
Copper29


Posts: 25
Joined: 12/10/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

Actually I think it will help. Like Copper, I weigh around 110lbs but when I met up with a 200lb 6ft 4" submissive male (off this site), I didn't consider my size an issue. I had years of experience behind my belt, I knew what to look out for, the dangers and yet, in this instance I was complacent or perhaps I had been complacent for a while. The result was me being attacked, the man wasn't submissive and I ended up in a whole heap of trouble that I won't go into here.

My point is, this was a real wake up call. I learnt a very tough lesson that day.

I didn't write about it on the boards here for quite some time because a) it was in police hands and b) I was too nervous (sensitive) about the repercussions of starting such a thread. I did however contact the owners of CM who were very professional in their response.

Sometimes its about the scattering of breadcrumbs. If my bad experience took shape because I was complacent, I should be allowed to inform/warn others. By doing so, it reminds people to take measures and hopefully avoid this sort of thing ever happening. If just one person takes this advice on board, then my job is done and what I went through somehow finds a purpose.


Thank you for sharing your experience, Maria. That can't be comfortable to relay to a large audience and I'm glad you felt you were able to go to the owners of CM and the police.

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Profile   Post #: 125
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 8:48:16 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Copper29


quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi


quote:

ORIGINAL: Copper29

I think it's only fair to have a specific board about 'negative experiences.' Those of you who don't read to read at it or look at it? No problem! Don't go to that board. Those of us that would be interested? Great! We have a safe and designated space to go. This isn't about libel or slandering-- it's about keeping people safe. Yes, I'm a domme, and yes, the expectation is that if I should meet a sub in real life I'm going to take every precaution and be as careful as possible about my safety and screening, and that I should also be in control. But the bottom line is that I am a 110 pound woman who could easily physically be overwhelmed by someone much larger than me-- which is why I do not meet subs online in real life. Period. But if I could, say, search the good/bad experiences or even just be aware of what was happening in the community around me, that would give me a great deal more comfort.





That is interesting, both you and the op have stated that you think this is a very important topic and yet neither one of you has taken the time to start a thread discussing it. You just keep coming back here and crying because there isn't a negative thread forum. How helpful is that?


Yes, the hot tears are just rolling down my cheeks.

I have no desire for a thread. That would be messy and unorganized. I'd like a board, right under the positive experiences, devoted specifically to this. However, I'm not a mod, and have no interest in becoming one.



That makes no sense. Even if they did put in a negative experience forum you would still have to start a thread to discuss something. Why can't that thread be started in off topic as others have suggested? The only difference I can see is more people are likely to see it in the off topic area and there is a better chance for a decent conversation.

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Profile   Post #: 126
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 8:58:07 AM   
Copper29


Posts: 25
Joined: 12/10/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi


quote:

ORIGINAL: Copper29


quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

That is interesting, both you and the op have stated that you think this is a very important topic and yet neither one of you has taken the time to start a thread discussing it. You just keep coming back here and crying because there isn't a negative thread forum. How helpful is that?


Yes, the hot tears are just rolling down my cheeks.

I have no desire for a thread. That would be messy and unorganized. I'd like a board, right under the positive experiences, devoted specifically to this. However, I'm not a mod, and have no interest in becoming one.



That makes no sense. Even if they did put in a negative experience forum you would still have to start a thread to discuss something. Why can't that thread be started in off topic as others have suggested? The only difference I can see is more people are likely to see it in the off topic area and there is a better chance for a decent conversation.



Putting it in 'Off Topic' makes no sense to me. This forum is supposed to be for things that are unrelated to BDSM. Negative experiences, are, unfortunately, a part of BDSM.

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Profile   Post #: 127
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 9:04:56 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		FR:

Frankly I think *most* of the BDSM sub section titles are useless. Why bother with ask a master or ask a mistress when everyone and anyone can respond?

It just confuses new people.

I don't see why there can't be a negative experiences subsection under BDSM, if enough people want one, as long as posters don't blacklist. But anyone thinking it's going to keep them safe is just laughable.

Most adults practice safety. That (unfortunately) doesn't keep bad shit from happening.

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RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 9:10:32 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

How will reading negative experiences keep you safer?


Its not just about reading, its about asking prudent questions. If someone is brave enough to write about a bad experience, then they are brave enough to be questioned about that experience. They may have a sudden realization that they could of actually prevented this, they may make others realize certain actions or the lack of them can put you in danger.

quote:


It will all be hearsay and some of it won't be true.


This is a problem all of itself because a lot of people will choose not to believe.

This sort of thread can't be about gaining sympathy. I honestly think that would attract the wrong sort of people and its something that should be hugely discouraged. Victims don't normally want sympathy, they just want people to understand, they want to talk things over and they want to warn others.

quote:


Do you think that it will help you determine red flags?


Yes, providing its properly moderated. I think there has to be an end result, a conclusion perhaps of why it happened and what could of been done to prevent it. Its about having an incident pit in your mind and using it properly. Sometimes some of us just need that wake up call.

FL has two such forums and they work well. They have had burning incidents on there caused by careless wax play, a knife play incident that went terribly wrong and assaults that are talked through without throwing insults or suggesting the person is a liar. It actually doesn't matter if the person is a liar because what your discussing is 'the incident pit'.
quote:


A book that is often recommended is:
The Gift of Fear

I got this book after my assault and omg I wish I had read it before ever meeting him. Our intuition is one of the best things we all naturally have and yet so often (I'm guilty) we choose to ignore it.

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Profile   Post #: 129
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 9:10:43 AM   
theshytype


Posts: 1600
Status: offline 		I really don't see a point of a bad experience section. The positive experiences provide hope for those looking. What's a negative section going to do other than discourage those same people?

I can understand wanting to warn others regarding certain safety issues, but I can't think of many examples that wouldn't fall under the common sense category.

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Profile   Post #: 130
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 9:13:15 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Copper29


quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi


quote:

ORIGINAL: Copper29


quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

That is interesting, both you and the op have stated that you think this is a very important topic and yet neither one of you has taken the time to start a thread discussing it. You just keep coming back here and crying because there isn't a negative thread forum. How helpful is that?


Yes, the hot tears are just rolling down my cheeks.

I have no desire for a thread. That would be messy and unorganized. I'd like a board, right under the positive experiences, devoted specifically to this. However, I'm not a mod, and have no interest in becoming one.



That makes no sense. Even if they did put in a negative experience forum you would still have to start a thread to discuss something. Why can't that thread be started in off topic as others have suggested? The only difference I can see is more people are likely to see it in the off topic area and there is a better chance for a decent conversation.



Putting it in 'Off Topic' makes no sense to me. This forum is supposed to be for things that are unrelated to BDSM. Negative experiences, are, unfortunately, a part of BDSM.


There is also a general topic, why haven't you posted a thread about it there?

You also mentioned in one of your posts that "But the bottom line is that I am a 110 pound woman who could easily physically be overwhelmed by someone much larger than me-- which is why I do not meet subs online in real life. Period." yet your profile says you are seeking and expect tributes. Why should someone pay a women who has no intention of ever meeting them?

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Profile   Post #: 131
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 9:26:08 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB
Sometimes its about the scattering of breadcrumbs. If my bad experience took shape because I was complacent, I should be allowed to inform/warn others. By doing so, it reminds people to take measures and hopefully avoid this sort of thing ever happening. If just one person takes this advice on board, then my job is done and what I went through somehow finds a purpose.

I'm very sorry to hear about that, MariaB. Meant, um, in an unsympathetic way.

Why do you think the Safety forum isn't already a suitable place for such a post? There's a big difference between what you're talking about and a Negative Experiences title, which seems begging to include things like, "And he burped and farted all the time through dinner. What an asshole."

The Safety forum already has a different feel from the rest of the site. Whether this is due to official moderation or not, the posts tend to be more supporting and less contentious.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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Profile   Post #: 132
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 9:26:59 AM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Copper29

But the bottom line is that I am a 110 pound woman who could easily physically be overwhelmed by someone much larger than me-- which is why I do not meet subs online in real life. Period. But if I could, say, search the good/bad experiences or even just be aware of what was happening in the community around me, that would give me a great deal more comfort.


I have to call bullshit on this. I'm 5'3" and 125 lbs. yet I have met and played with multiple people from CM, FetLife, and even OkCupid. Neither OkCupid nor FetLife have dedicated "bad experience" forums and I have had zero problems meeting people. There is no legitimate reason to have a dedicated forum on CM for bad experiences when, as has been explained multiple times, at least half the message board is open to relating negative experiences.

You can do whatever you like to feel comfortable, but expecting the site to hold your hand and coddle you is unrealistic. If you need a dedicated negative experience forum to feel safe, you don't really need a dedicated forum, you need to grow up and get over yourself or you need therapy.

quote:

If my bad experience took shape because I was complacent, I should be allowed to inform/warn others. By doing so, it reminds people to take measures and hopefully avoid this sort of thing ever happening. If just one person takes this advice on board, then my job is done and what I went through somehow finds a purpose.


If you really want to talk about staying safe when meeting people, there's already a dedicated section for that. It's called Health and Safety.

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RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 9:51:53 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm 5'3" also. Being physically shorter and weaker didn't prevent me from sitting down in a Starbucks and talking to him.
Hell, lots of femdommes meet the first time at a munch or play party. Those are safe places with friends about who will help you.

You're looking for excuses.

Just admit that you aren't into topping anyone, and that all you want is cyber tribute. Don't argue, be honest.

Beyond that, if you aren't capable of selecting healthy and safe partners, that's your fault. And it's your responsibility to get help so you can pick healthy and safe partners. I've never had a bad experience because I have healthy gut feelings which I've listened to.

I've picked people with insufficient compatibility but never bad people. The fact that you can't trust yourself to pick good people is a fault you need to fix. Not something to boast about.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 12/18/2013 9:54:47 AM >

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RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 10:46:24 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP


Beyond that, if you aren't capable of selecting healthy and safe partners, that's your fault. And it's your responsibility to get help so you can pick healthy and safe partners. I've never had a bad experience because I have healthy gut feelings which I've listened to.

I've picked people with insufficient compatibility but never bad people. The fact that you can't trust yourself to pick good people is a fault you need to fix. Not something to boast about.


Wow... I mean WOW!! This is the same sort of person that says all rape victims asked for it.


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Profile   Post #: 135
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 10:48:32 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB
Sometimes its about the scattering of breadcrumbs. If my bad experience took shape because I was complacent, I should be allowed to inform/warn others. By doing so, it reminds people to take measures and hopefully avoid this sort of thing ever happening. If just one person takes this advice on board, then my job is done and what I went through somehow finds a purpose.

I'm very sorry to hear about that, MariaB. Meant, um, in an unsympathetic way.

Why do you think the Safety forum isn't already a suitable place for such a post? There's a big difference between what you're talking about and a Negative Experiences title, which seems begging to include things like, "And he burped and farted all the time through dinner. What an asshole."

The Safety forum already has a different feel from the rest of the site. Whether this is due to official moderation or not, the posts tend to be more supporting and less contentious.


Its going on six years ago RM but thanks!

I never thought about the 'safety' forum, probably because its called 'Health and Safety' and most of the threads are about illness but you're right, we already have a section for just this.


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Profile   Post #: 136
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 10:58:57 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB


Wow... I mean WOW!! This is the same sort of person that says all rape victims asked for it.



An ad hominem attack, Maria? For shame. I thought better of you.

What I am saying is that after age 25, you are expected to fix your problems and not keep blaming them on your parents. If one of your problems is that you can't trust your gut feelings, then it's your responsibility to fix that. Get some help. This is a learn able skill.

My daughter just finished college. I made sure she was clear that it was her responsibility never to leave a drink unwatched for fear of someone spiking it with a date rape drug. If she had been so assaulted, I would have impressed even stronger for the future her responsibility to take care of herself. Should anyone steal large animal meds to give unknowingly to women? Hell no. Knowing that people commonly do this at frat parties, is a female not supposed to watch for her safety? Absolutely positively.

I don't walk down certain streets in Harlem or Bed-Stuy in the middle of the night because I know that as a white girl, I would be out of place and the most likely person to be attacked. That's common sense.

I live in the real world which means I need to watch for my own safety. It's the same reason I taught my kids not to run into the street. Should people speed on a road marked 40 mph? No.

Do they? All the time.

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RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 11:03:34 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB
I never thought about the 'safety' forum, probably because its called 'Health and Safety' and most of the threads are about illness but you're right, we already have a section for just this.

Gamma, this might be something to think about. If the use of a forum isn't clear to a longtime poster, maybe it needs to be better explained, retitled, subtitled, etc.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 138
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 11:21:31 AM   
SoulAlloy


Posts: 2106
Joined: 8/23/2009
From: Preston, UK
Status: offline 		Ok have read through, and agree that there's already a place for it - not off topic, but health and safety. You want to post about a bad experience and what you learned from it, why not there? You may even get advice from others who have been in the same situation and what they learned from it.

I think having an area dedicated to purely negative experiences would be kind of depressing to look at myself, so I would probably stay away from it and thus end up missing the advice given. The health and safety forum on the other hand I'll often pop my head in to have a look.

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Profile   Post #: 139
RE: Only Positive?! - 12/18/2013 11:25:52 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I always check threads in health and safety, b/c this crowd is pretty smart, there could be something there I need to know.

Also, I think anybody, no matter how careful they are, can have a bad experience. Blaming the victim is a very low blow to me.

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