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I desire Femdom but am married - 12/15/2013 7:13:26 PM

ChrisRivers

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/13/2013
Status: offline

I am trying to get a sense out there if I have any chance in serving a mistress while I remain married. I married my wife 2 years ago and at that time I had no idea that I was interested in femdom. Now I desperately want to serve a Mistress while remaining married and not telling my wife. Would all Mistresses dismiss me because I am married and not willing to tell my wife?

Post #: 1

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/15/2013 7:15:51 PM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

Tell your wife and I am sure she will dominate your tail end.

So what you're really asking is... is there a dominant woman that would help me cheat on my wife and be my dirty little secret?

Of course they are, but really, would you trust her?

(in reply to ChrisRivers)

Post #: 2

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/15/2013 7:18:28 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Are you interested in a Mistress with ethics?

(in reply to ChrisRivers)

Post #: 3

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/15/2013 7:19:02 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Probably.
After all, how can you be trusted to be honest and faithful to her when you promised to be honest and faithful with your wife?

Why aren't you talking to your wife about this. Not about extreme porn caused fantasies like living in a cage but about wanting to come home and be able to let your wife take charge of decision making? Let her decide if you're going to see Hobbit tomorrow or not till Friday. Let her decide what restaurant to go to. And so on.

Ask her what you can do to make her life easier. Dishes or vacuuming or grocery store?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to ChrisRivers)

Post #: 4

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/15/2013 7:25:36 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

OP - I just looked at your profile. You're only 28. What makes you think your wife wouldn't be up for a little kinky exploration?

My (now ex) husband and I got into BDSM together. I got a few of the non-fiction books listed here: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm and suggested we try this and that. Worked like a charm.

Does your new, sudden, overwhelming interest in Femdom have anything to do with porn? You do realize real life does not work like porn, yes? Your likelihood of finding a Mistress who you do not have to pay to play, is very, very small.

(in reply to ChrisRivers)

Post #: 5

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/15/2013 7:26:25 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

I am going to make a wild guess here: you discovered FemDom porn and you love it.

Porn is not reality.

Have you ever seen regular porn?
How closely does it match your real life experience?

Find a Kink Aware Therapist and discuss it with them, before you do something you will probably regret.

Are you really the sort of man who could cheat on the woman he loves and look at your face in the mirror every day?

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to ChrisRivers)

Post #: 6

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/15/2013 7:30:44 PM

ChrisRivers

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/13/2013
Status: offline

I think everything that everyone has said on this post is correct. I certainly appreciate your input.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 7

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/15/2013 7:36:52 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Just so you don't think I'm anti porn, here's my favorite:

Latex

A man comes to believe he can see into the souls of others, but he is sadly mistaken. The title refers to the tight leather bondage gear worn by the voluptuous models on show in this adult cyberpunk morality tale.

(in reply to ChrisRivers)

Post #: 8

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/15/2013 7:42:39 PM

MAINEiacMISTRESS

Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline

If you are *NOT* telling your wife, yes, most Dommes will reject you. However some of Us are willing to accept married men *WITH SOME STIPULATIONS* if the wife knows and accepts it. Look for a Chastity Domme for starters, especially one who insists on Her subs wearing chastity cages and allows the wife to keep the key. Wives tend to be more accepting if they know there's no hanky panky going on. Some even get to LIKE the idea of having that symbol of Ownership. A lot of Dommes are seeking Service-minded submissives to keep cleaning caught up around the house or perform handyman duties, so enforced Chastity works well in those situations.

Be sure to stay caught up on your chores at home as well.

I have to wonder, only two years into your marriage and you're already keeping big secrets? Why did you even bother to get married? I understand some wives totally freak out about certain fetishes (cross-dressing, puppy play, etc etc), but sometimes they are actually relieved if they know their husband is able to satisfy these urges without danger of infidelity. My advice is give your wife a chance to be involved before you go the lying-and-sneaking route.

< Message edited by MAINEiacMISTRESS -- 12/15/2013 7:44:08 PM >

(in reply to Rawni)

Post #: 9

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/15/2013 7:43:39 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChrisRivers

I am trying to get a sense out there if I have any chance in serving a mistress while I remain married. I married my wife 2 years ago and at that time I had no idea that I was interested in femdom. Now I desperately want to serve a Mistress while remaining married and not telling my wife. Would all Mistresses dismiss me because I am married and not willing to tell my wife?

There are a fair number of pros who have clients of this nature. But, well, why don't you want to tell your wife?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to ChrisRivers)

Post #: 10

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/15/2013 7:50:57 PM

ChrisRivers

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/13/2013
Status: offline

Well my wife is actually quite a submissive person in reality. I feel like she respects me much for my decisiveness and leadership. I am afraid that if I tell my wife she will think less of me or be freaked out. Plus right now I highly doubt she would want to be or play the role of a Dominatrix.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 11

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/15/2013 7:56:00 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChrisRivers
Well my wife is actually quite a submissive person in reality. I feel like she respects me much for my decisiveness and leadership. I am afraid that if I tell my wife she will think less of me or be freaked out. Plus right now I highly doubt she would want to be or play the role of a Dominatrix.

Maybe read Shades of Grey, and offer to do something kinky with her? Dom her, and say omg you looked so happy, could you tie me up tomorrow please? I want to feel happy like that.

It's almost a stereotype that men in leadership positions need to let go and be dominated in the bedroom.

Porn dominatrixes are not dominant women; they are submissive service tops, just like Christian Grey. If you want to be dominated the way you see in porn, it is 99% likely that you want to be service topped. There are a fair number of prodommes who offer "kinkassage" services, or "sensual domination." If your wife gives you massages already, this isn't much of a stretch.

It just doesn't sound as impossible to me as I'm sure it feels to you.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to ChrisRivers)

Post #: 12

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/15/2013 7:58:15 PM

ChrisRivers

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/13/2013
Status: offline

Thank you,

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 13

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/15/2013 8:19:19 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Keep it open. "Honey, let's have a talk about our sexual desires." See what HER fantasies are as well as yours. Explore them alternately, seeing what works and what doesn't.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ChrisRivers)

Post #: 14

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/16/2013 1:16:33 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I happen to be poly. I'm married but engage in BDSM activities with others. However, I wouldn't be willing to do that with somebody who wasn't willing to be honest about it with it with their own spouse. If a person is going to lie about their activities to their own spouse, I'm certainly not going to have any faith that they are going to be honest with Me.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 15

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/16/2013 2:52:51 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

fr

Chris, I'm pretty close to you in age, so I'm guessing I'm pretty close to your wife too. I would be DEVASTATED if I thought that just two years into marriage, my husband had given up on me being able to make him happy sexually and gone elsewhere. Doubly so if he hadn't even talked to me and given me chance to work with him.

You love this woman, right? And she loves you? You must have something special since you decided you want to be together forever. You decided to make this person your number one priority, and you signed on to be a team and tackle life's challenges together. So do that.

Telling your partner you're submissive is going to be a tough conversation. Know what will be tougher? The conversation you have when she finds out that you are submissive AND have been going behind her back.

I'm submissive to my husband. Sexually, submission is my thing, it turns me on. But if he told me that he really felt he needed to be dommed or topped, I would do it for him in a heartbeat. It would never be my favourite activity, and it wouldn't be something I wanted to do every day, but I love him, my happiness depends on his happiness, so I would absolutely work with him to get his needs met. I would be heartbroken if he went elsewhere without even giving me that chance.

Tell her. Start small, ask her to handcuff you to the bed and be bossy. See how she likes it. Afterwards, praise all the great things she did and thank her, sincerely, for indulging you. Let her run the show and not just act out your script. Let her try the things she thinks might be OK, and avoid the ones that make her uncomfortable - even if what she chooses is a bit different that your fantasy. Ask how she felt - was there anything she liked about it? Was there anything you could do differently to make it better? Then - and this is the really, really important part - you act out her fantasy too. Show her that you're just as invested in her pleasure. Keep experimenting over time, being very, very patient and having great quality vanilla sex in between. Understand that your play sessions may be really short to begin with, or really mild, but that's ok - because you already love each other, and have your entire lives to try things out. It might be that she loves it. She might never love it, but you might have many happy years taking turns to dominate and getting your needs met. She might even agree to let you have a dom outside the marriage.

Whatever you do, don't let it go to your head and get greedy. Don't expect to go from zero to leather-clad-dominatrix in a month, don't expect every sex session to include your kinks, and don't expect it to be exactly like you saw in porn/in your head. I know that sounds obvious, but you'd be surprised how rational thought goes out of the window when people suddenly start getting the kink they spent a long time thinking about.

You have an advantage because at our age, she knows about kink. She may not have considered it for herself but it's not a new concept to her. There are lots of kink equipment and books aimed at women who are just starting out. It's no longer a bizarre or secret thing.

But at the very least, give her the chance to share this part of your life. You owe her that.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 16

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/16/2013 4:35:58 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Athena, have I told you lately that I love the way you think?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 17

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/16/2013 4:50:16 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Athena, have I told you lately that I love the way you think?

She nails it so very often.

OP: You've been given some great advice. Please reconsider cheating on your wife, it will only bring heartbreak for both of you.

_____________________________

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 18

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/16/2013 9:25:19 AM

JetOnly

Posts: 78
Joined: 11/6/2013
Status: offline

Cant agree with Athena more :)
Your marriage is very new and who knows where it could end up if you both work at it together - but - if you cheat on your wife (and this will be cheating even if it is non sexual) then it is much less likely to get to a good place as you have already justified going to other people whenever you have an itch that needs scratched

You just cannot tell if she has an inner dom in her, hell I didnt know I had until I heard about POT and chastity then suddenly a whole new world opened up to me!
It is always going to be best to lead someone gently into things like this - remember you have been thinking about it for a while and no doubt been reading and viewing things, it might be all new to her - surprising her one night with your full on kink will most likely scare her into never being interested

An ex of mine introduced me into more kinky stuff very well :) bought me a book on peoples fantasies then when we were both really turned on we talked about it. THEN he mentioned some of the things he was into and I talked about some of the things I liked and between us we ended up having a whole lot of fun

A guy before him had just said 'I want to do X to you' and my response was 'no way!!'

and if you want a fem dom relationship why not find nice ways to serve your wife and make her happy?

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 19

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/16/2013 11:46:19 AM

rokkman7456

Posts: 50
Joined: 2/25/2013
Status: offline

My domme refuses to see married men unless their wife knows. You would be surprised by what you can accomplish by talking to your spouse. It was a little awkward at first but my ex wife found out she really liked dominating me and she became fairly good at it. We went our separate ways for altogether different reasons after 16 years. Good luck

(in reply to JetOnly)

Post #: 20

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