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njlauren -> RE: "Real" BDSM (12/19/2013 9:09:37 PM)
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I think the problem is that real has many different meanings, depending on the person. There are people who read romance novels and think they are a real ideal (and get very disappointed when they find out that there aren't a lot of guys who are bad ass biker types, who have perfect 6 pack abs, and yet are kind and sensitive under the surface, are kind of rare in real life). The problem with online relationships is kind of like romance novels, in the sense that they can be perfect because so much is shaped in our minds. I can be a gorgeous sub female who looks like a Victoria's secret model, instead of being what I am in real life, someone with a lot of flaws; the person I am playing with could be in my mind a ripped guy who is able to talk about anything, when IRL he could be a short, chubby accountant who has trouble saying hi to someone.....it is real, in that two people are interacting, but the problem is in a sense there is an element of fantasy to it (and obviously, the online relationship also can be very truthful, if the people want it that way, and with people intending to meet, being truthful is important:). So yes, online relationships are real, since they exist, some of them can be very deep..but they are going to be 'less real' than a live relationship.
Live relationships have levels that simply cannot exist online, the interaction between 2 people is complex, we have to deal with idiosyncrasies, and when we hurt someone else, we deal with the consequences up close and personal, are forced to deal with it; if an online partner gets hurt or angry, we shut down the session, don't write, etc; IRL we deal with it face to face,and so forth. Nuances are lost online, facial expressions, implied meaning, are lost with online interactions.
I think the better way to say it is online relationships lack things that real ones have, and with BD/SM to me it is a lot, you have the fantasy aspects of it, role playing out the dominant telling you what to do, what to wear, it can be hot to talk about the things you would like to do, and there is interaction there, but compared to when you actually meet, it is an order of many magnitudes less....not to mention that part of the BD/SM experience IRL is kind of scary, playing with someone, trusting them, knowing you are doing things with them most people would consider crazy, etc...online, it is a lot safer, because you are relatively hidden, not exposed, etc....
It is very analagous to the difference between playing with a pro domme and playing with someone you care about, as intense as pro sessions can be, as skilled and wonderful as some of the dommes I saw were,it pales compared to what happens when you are playing/scening, or living, with someone you care about, someone you interact with because it is an interpersonal relationship. This is true even though the pro domme may offer one hell of a session, skilled in all kinds of equipment and techniques not available to many home practitioners, yet doing a scene with the person you are entangled with, using even the simples of gear, is going to be orders of magnitude deeper, more 'real'.
I kind of understand the OP though, the problem with the word real is it starts getting used as a perjorative. If someone is at a stage of life where their entanglement in BD/SM is basically online, where it is done via words and fantasy or however an online relationship happens, that is how real it gets for them, and it is theirs to own, the same way someone who plays in the bedroom is real, or the person who enjoys a 24/7 TPE...all are real, and the only problem is when someone decides their real is 'better'.....online relationships lack elements, many of them, of in life ones, but if the person gets something out of the online one, it means something to them, then it is real, and I don't think anyone should say their relationship isn't real, if it is to them.
The only thing I object to, to be honest, is those who have had their relationships in cyber space and so forth, telling others that it is the same thing as real life relationships, and it isn't. One of the biggest objections I have is when I hear someone I know has been in a D/s online, and is telling someone who is IRL how they should be doing something. In fantasy, a lot is real, but for example, I saw an exchange where a real life TPE sub was running into problems, and someone who was an online sub was telling her how she should behave, what she should do.....living with someone in a TPE has very little resemblance to an online one, and many of the things the online person was telling her was honestly fantasy drivel..when someone is conflicted, you don't say things like 'Well, of course a sub's duty is to their master, and if they want you to do something that is causing you pain, that is your problem" (almost exact words). In a non BD/SM context, I have seen this kind of thing in the online world with people thinking they may be trans, and hearing all kinds of 'advice' from people who hadn't done anything, except 'live online' , and what wasn't funny could be dangerous as hell to someone who is confused and asking for help......where the problem lies is claiming that 'online' is the same as real life, they both may be 'real' in their own ways, but one pales before the other.
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