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RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 1:32:27 PM

mummyman321

Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

If your spouse decided they didn't want to participate in a D/s or M/s dynamic anymore, would you be able to live with that? I've read many threads about people wanting to get into the lifestyle but none about getting out.

Do you feel your relationship would survive without kink for you? Does love beat out kink?

As a widower I will answer in the past tense. I would not have left my wife because she decided she did not want BDSM anymore. BDSM was only part of the relationship with my wife. The marriage would have survived just fine without it. Though surfing internet BDSM porn might have been a side effect LOL!

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(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 21

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 1:50:08 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
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FR
I've drifted away from kink from time to time. I'm just a bottom, so D/s or M/s doesn't apply to me. I have had some personal issues that made me withdraw. My man started as vanilla then came into kink via my introduction- so if he wanted to stop tomorrow we would, and the relationship would survive, just as it has before. For the last year I've been somewhat out of commission due to a back injury- a few of our favorite things were off the table- it barely changed how we loved each other. I don't need kinky sex to live- but it sure is a perk. Sexless would be another thing (unless it were out of injury or illness). I am typically more into open relationships than my current relationship- and admittedly this has been a challenge for me, but he now indulges me in kinky sex so often that I don't really feel the need to wander off to someone else, if he were to withdraw I would discuss the possibility of a more open relationship.
But for me, love wins.

(in reply to mummyman321)

Post #: 22

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 2:30:36 PM

lilcracker

Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline

I love him as a person way more than I love his penis. We started that way...we became friends first and by the time sex happened we had already started to develop a deeper than friendship feelings towards each other. Kinky sex between us started way after...so yeah I know I can do without it. I also think of long term....what if something happened to put a damper on sex period (we are getting older)...would I dump him? Hell no! In my case...love wins hands down. I am a firm believer when it comes to relationships....it's like a sundae....vanilla is the foundation...all the toppings (sex and kink) are just a benefit and enhance the foundation. However, just plain old vanilla ice cream is still sweet and can be enjoyed without the toppings.

(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 23

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 2:42:57 PM

Apocalypso

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
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It's pretty difficult to say, to be honest. Because if you took the d/s out of my relationship it would be an entirely different relationship. So I have no idea how that would turn out.

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Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to lilcracker)

Post #: 24

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 2:44:43 PM

Kana

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Joined: 10/24/2006
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For us, the D/S is the root of the relationship. I don't think it would work w/o it.
Mouse swears that if we ever split, she's gonna either be a nun or get into a nilla interaction with a take charge confident leader type man.
She'll go nilla D/S.

Me? I'm a guy.
I'd likely follow the traditional route, find some 18 year old hardbody to commiserate over/on/in :-)

< Message edited by Kana -- 1/7/2014 3:00:46 PM >

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Post #: 25

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 2:51:16 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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I'm not interested in a relationship that does not include some form of kinky sex. A hiatus due to illness or such would be fine. I would prefer that he hurt me more, but he does other things to get my juices flowing.

I have a strong preference for traditional gender roles. When I'm living with a guy, I expect him to be incharge of the cars and the outside, and me the inside. I have been the breadwinner, but did not treat that as a long term, serious relationship. I've always worked, and right now am working from home, which I like very much.

I used to date someone who was a very good cook and used to do all the cooking and cleaning up, and this made me uncomfortable. I'm happy when my guy now breaks out the brillo for deep cleaning, but it's a struggle for me when he wants to do all the dishes.

(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 26

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 2:52:12 PM

MalcolmNathaniel

Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
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My kink or my relationship?

They are one and the same. Part and parcel.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 27

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 2:58:25 PM

sheisreeds

Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline

There have been times we needed to not be kinky, we could not act on all of our terrible thoughts, for the most part to anyone else we would have looked like any other relationship. However, if he were to come to me and say I can never be that to you again, it has to be vanilla sex, and I'm gonna stop calling you names, and messing with you all the time, the relationship would essentially be over. Since he would no longer be the man I fell in love with, and have spent the past 5 years of my life with. Though I ain't too worried about it's about as likely as me waking up tomorrow next to a zebra.

I don't expect that when we're in our eighties will be beating the crap out of one another, but I expect his last words to me to be something along the lines of , "I love you, you dumb cunt." We imagine our seventies being smackin' each other's hands and saying mean things to one another in our side by side rockers and being crazy cat people.

I have had BDSM fizzle out of relationships before, and the relationships died. It wasn't like at that moment it was over, but I disengaged, even from myself. After that ended up being a key factor in my divorce, I re-evaluated and changed the priority of kink in my relationships.

BDSM/kink whatever the hell ya want to call it can fall into all different levels of who we are as people and/or our sexualities. It can be window dressing, it can be central air, it can be the foundation. I don't give 2 shits about curtains, the cats just rip them up. I don't care about central air, my central air conditioner has been broke for like 5 years. Without a solid foundation, soon there wouldn't be no house.

I am one of those chicks where BDSM is a part of the foundation of who I am as a person AND how I express my sexuality. It HAS to be a part of the foundation of a healthy intimate relationship, if I am going to be healthy in that relationship. I've learned the hard way what happens when I do not respect the role BDSM plays in who I am as a person, and I don't give it the proper respect in regards to my relationships. I can't be with a partner for whom BDSM is fun once and awhile, or they really like it, but are ok without it. My experience is that those partners do not get me, and a critical piece of me is not critical to them. And even when they did engage it, what they got out of it was not the same, what it meant was not the same.

With my marriage my ex did not understand the divorce and was pushing to reconcile until I told him that I felt there were darker parts of my self and my past that I needed to deal with and to honor, and that I felt he did not want to be a part of that, understood them or wanted to. To which he totally agreed and within a week were signing a finalized separation agreement. While tying each other up, and wrestling around and all the other stuff was fun to him. It was an integral part of me, that he didn't share. BDSM is fucking spiritual to me, it isn't just "fun".

That being said, plenty of other stuff is negotiable. My partner had it up to here with public dungeons, we took over a year off, and now there is only one monthly event we will even consider attending. Honestly it bothered me more when I couldn't pull is hair for a couple months as he attempted to put dreads in. You could take away all of our toys, he could tell me I could never light him on fire again (and he might after an recent OOPs), there are plenty of other limits that could be set. Though that stuff is just the window dressing on our BDSM, it's not the foundation, we could both be quadriplegics and still be kinky.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in

You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to shiftyw)

Post #: 28

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 3:00:10 PM

MariaB

Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MalcolmNathaniel

My kink or my relationship?

They are one and the same. Part and parcel.

exactly!!

If your a leader, you don't stop being a leader just because your no longer doing kinky things. If D/s (which I don't think of as necessarily kinky) is the most natural thing in the world then what would actually change?

_____________________________

My store is http://e-stimstore.com

(in reply to MalcolmNathaniel)

Post #: 29

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 3:06:29 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I'd have difficulty if he didn't want to be the leader of the relationship.

I'd be sorry if he never wanted to tie me up anymore but I could live without that.

But I don't consider kink to be what defines a power relationship.

I agree with this. But, reality is that even if we took BDSM and D/s out of the mix, he would still be an alpha and a strong leader. It's who he is.

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 30

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 5:22:39 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

~ Fast Reply ~

KoM summed it up nicely, and as others have said, *who we are* is that he is naturally in authority and I am naturally in submission to the man I'm in love with. We don't consider that "kink", we consider it who we are. The physical stuff is just that - physical. His authority over me lies in my heart, so if the physical went away, that would not change what our relationship is about.

We don't have many protocols, but if we were physically unable, the protocols we *do* have would likely change to adapt to circumstance.

If you're asking about relationship vs. fun, hard core, kinky sex, well the relationship. Due to external stresses and circumstances, we've had to really pull back on the physical in the past year or so. That did not change the core of our relationship, which is he is in authority and I follow.

Our relationship encompasses more than the physical dynamic between us. There's an emotional bond, a shared enjoyment of music, food, movies, wine, various outings, friendships, and so on. We expect ebbs and flows along the way, so if "kink" ebbs, we'll work around it.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 31

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 5:56:23 PM

unionkane

Posts: 60
Joined: 12/26/2013
Status: offline

^this! so well said!

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 32

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 6:28:31 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I can live without bdsm. I can't live without D/s.

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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 33

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 6:33:21 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

For us, the D/S is the root of the relationship. I don't think it would work w/o it.
Mouse swears that if we ever split, she's gonna either be a nun or get into a nilla interaction with a take charge confident leader type man.
She'll go nilla D/S.

Me? I'm a guy.
I'd likely follow the traditional route, find some 18 year old hardbody to commiserate over/on/in :-)

Yup. Exactly as Master has stated here.

To be honest, we don't really do kink all that much as we used to. We both have busy lives and we're getting older. We also don't really have a lot of protocol. As long as I do as I'm told, he's happy.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 34

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 7:13:38 PM

sheisreeds

Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline

And as always he comes home and asks whether or not I was writing anything about him, and I said that there was a topic about whether or not your relationship would be without the kink, and he responds "those words do not make sense in that order" like over and over again.

and that now he has to get a zebra.

Sometime in the next month I will wake up next to a stuffed zebra.

This is the way we live, and I would not have it any other way.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in

You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 35

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/7/2014 9:16:05 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

Thanks for the input. What about protocols? From the sub point of view, what if they don't want to sit at your feet anymore? What if they don't want to engage in sex when you want to? What if your sub didn't want to follow protocols you have lined out for the relationship in the begining but they still wanted the relationship to continue?

You can't have your cake and eat it too!

Some things changed and evolved in our dynamic. Like protocols and preferences. We adjust and adapt as needed for the betterment of the whole. But who has the authority doesn't change! If one of the girls came to me and said they don't want give up all the authority anymore. Well it's really simple... There is the door. This to me is as fundamental to my relationships as someone that expects fidelity in their relationship.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 36

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/8/2014 8:33:25 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

If your spouse decided they didn't want to participate in a D/s or M/s dynamic anymore, would you be able to live with that? I've read many threads about people wanting to get into the lifestyle but none about getting out.

Do you feel your relationship would survive without kink for you? Does love beat out kink?

Love compliments.

(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 37

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/8/2014 10:49:06 PM

MasterCaneman

Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
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I'm not sure if this counts, but I set aside kink for my own sanity, more than anything else. For five weird and wonderful years I was eyeball-deep in kink, partying, music, and the wrong people. My previous relationship had a nice mix of experimentation, but that wasn't enough to save it. My current one (yes, with the same one I've complained about before), is the most un-kinky relationship ever. You know what? Warts and all, I wouldn't give it up for kink. (and no, I haven't changed my profile yet. Procrastination is an artform, folks).

I read you folks talking about long-term relationships in the scene, and I applaud. I never had that. The longest in-scene was three months on a flaming see-saw while juggling live hand grenades. The rest were on the order of a few weeks at most. I didn't complain at the time, because there was always another one in the wings. Wouldn't change that, nor would I want to repeat it. But no, I wouldn't give up what I have for kink. Not worth it to me.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

Post #: 38

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/9/2014 5:22:19 AM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

I really do not know the answer to this question.
I suspect the kink or the bdsm is so important to me to such a large extent, that I have not been able to bond with potential vanilla relationships due to my cravings for bdsm. I highly suspect I will be lost and devastated if someone I am in a D/S relationship one day, decides that he no longer wants D/S or bdsm. But at the same time, it's quite hard to imagine that happening.

(in reply to MasterCaneman)

Post #: 39

RE: Your kink or your relationship - 1/9/2014 5:42:44 AM

Domnotlooking

Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline

Dominant, spanky guy is who I am. I like who I am. I'm pretty good at being this kind of person. I haven't had non-kinky sex in a fair few decades, so no kink will always = thanks for playing.

I view it as a valid (if not exactly socially validated) sexual identity akin to being gay or being monogamous. Wouldn't those people likewise head for the door if their partner decided to rewrite their relationship on a wholesale basis to their substantial detriment?

And I need to know more about why or how the suddenly unkinked partner got that way.

Intellectually, I can see how a person might grow or evolve into different sexual inclinations, but my own real life experience is that when kink goes out the window, something seriously aint right in the relationship.

The unkinked partner may have oversold their initial interest to get into the relationship and is now bait and switching and offering an eighth of a loaf. The unkinked partner may be simply passive-aggressively punishing the kinkier partner by withholding for a variety of insane reasons. They may be getting kink elsewhere, even on the internet.

All three of these scenario's have happened to me. Nice people often act in heavily rationalized bad faith. They may lie, either consciously or un-.

And how is the unkinked person framing the situation? If it's shame-based or dismissive ("get over it"), then that's going to be your future. If it's dishonest or evasive, likewise.

Short version: I guess I could live without kink -but why would I?

I absolutely could not live with the lack of respect and honesty that these scenario's very typically involve.

In an ideal world, my partner wants me to be happy, authentic in my own skin, and coming hard -either with them or without. Obviously, I'd extend the same good faith to their dullard, vanilla asses.

< Message edited by Domnotlooking -- 1/9/2014 5:47:18 AM >

(in reply to MasterCaneman)

Post #: 40

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