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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/16/2014 10:07:36 PM

fluffyprincess

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True...it's not an excuse.

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/17/2014 1:09:09 AM

angelikaJ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffyprincess

I think the holidays influenced my decisions...it was December, the time where everybody is pretty much depressed...might have also been his reasoning, too.

I don't always make smart decisions for myself...as I don't think them through fully before making a decision.

I know you're not being mean, it's not coming across that way. You're trying to help me.

I made the mistake of accepting to be his girlfriend when we had only known each other for a few weeks, when I should have just said we should start off as friends...I know what I did wrong after that, and I won't repeat the same mistakes I made again...

On another thread, you said the reason you seem as though you don't love yourself (even though you do) is that you are depressed.

I am looking at your behavior.
You may be depressed, but your behavior is not showing that you value yourself.

If you really valued yourself, you wouldn't be falling hard for people who haven't earned it.
And that is one of the reasons I think counseling might be beneficial.

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/18/2014 8:41:51 AM

Domnotlooking

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If you have basic affinity on values, temperament, and kink, aren't you just being a prissy self foot shooter to demand more?

This insaniac who demands that people who don't want to play games with him choke down frustrating boredom and play his who-cares? games with him deserves to never get laid again.

I enjoy foreign films. My wife -for whatever reason- does not enjoy reading subtitles.

Solution: Watch foreign films down in my office for the most part. If there's a really good one that I think she might enjoy and find worth the trouble (hopefully in the 90 minute or less range) like "Maria Full of Grace", I might pitch it to her and see if she bites.

If she tells me that she wants to turn "Maria" off after 10 minutes, that would be a no hard feeling and call it done scenario. If she tells me she never wants to see another foreign film again, ever, that's fine too.

Since she like "Maria", I floated the possibility of "City of God" and she even watched it twice. But then it was time to lay off of the Latin 3rd world cinema for a while.

Likewise, when she's doing her crafty hobby, I'm a little into it because I'm into her, but I really don't need to be involved at the yarn selection level.

Although, if we're watching the Millionaire Matchmaker and she feels like running a few yarn options past me, just because, I will pay attention at the 80-90% level and toss out a from-the-heart (if uninformed) yarn opinion. I may even go so far to say something up the road like "that blah, blah yarn choice really worked out, huh? Good choice, loving that ikat pattern".

Adult in possession of healthy self esteem and basic social skills should be able to horse trade on leisure activities without angst.

If not, that's the problem, not an interest compatibility issue.

< Message edited by Domnotlooking -- 1/18/2014 9:47:29 AM >

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/18/2014 11:11:16 AM

fluffyprincess

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Thank you all for your advice. Him and I talked for a few hours last night. He's a switch, and he was being the Dom figure in the relationship, when what he really needs, is another switch, somebody who can take control of him at times. I think I am capable of being a switch...we tried me being in charge out a little bit when I was there last, and I enjoyed it.

He's indecisive, and insecure...all the more reason for me not to walk away from him. I'm not giving up on him, because he hasn't given me a solid reason to give up on him.

Yes, he has hurt me...but he's only hurt me because he is insecure, and feeling like he's undeserving.

He's leaning toward us getting back together, but he's getting an unbiased opinion, through his best friend.

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/18/2014 11:59:53 AM

angelikaJ

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Everytime you post on this thread this song runs through my head:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8ljHOSqc4A

(Got a kick for a dog
Beggin' for Love... Tori Amos)

I really do hope I am wrong about him and you have found your happy.

Edit: clarity

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 1/18/2014 12:01:45 PM >

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/18/2014 12:06:32 PM

fluffyprincess

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I know the difference between a good person, and a bad person. All I did through high school was lay low, and studied people's personalities, and who were the good and bad guys.

I can judge somebodies character very well when I get to know them in person, and I can tell if they're bullshitting it and have an ulterior motive...I like his character, and he has no ulterior motive. He's a good guy, he's just been hurt, and needs somebody not to quit on him.

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/18/2014 12:19:21 PM

DesFIP

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There can be a huge difference between someone who is a good person, and someone who is good for you. The two are not synonymous.

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/18/2014 12:26:43 PM

fluffyprincess

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True, I don't know yet if he is good for me. But I do know he's not *bad* for me.

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/18/2014 12:28:14 PM

freedomdwarf1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffyprincess
He's indecisive, and insecure...all the more reason for me not to walk away from him. I'm not giving up on him, because he hasn't given me a solid reason to give up on him.

Yes, he has hurt me...but he's only hurt me because he is insecure, and feeling like he's undeserving.

Try re-reading everything you have described in all of your posts.

He has given you every reason for you to walk away from him.
And it is a stupid person who uses the time-old excuse "Yes, he has hurt me...but he's only hurt me because he is insecure" and an even more stupid person for believing it.
It's the oldest excuse in the book.

You say you are a little and you need (or would like) a daddy.
If he cannot fulfill that role, you have made a bad choice.
It really is as simple as that.
And the very fact that he himself is (in your words) "indecisive, and insecure" and he is supposed to be your daddy/dom is the very reason you should walk away!

Sorry, you are just making excuses for a bad decision and backing that up with frivolous inconsequences that conflict with the original problem.
It's the same-old-same-old that battered wives use time and time again.
Open your eyes and smell the coffee!!!!

Exit stage left, PDQ. And don't look back.

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/18/2014 12:33:50 PM

freedomdwarf1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffyprincess

True, I don't know yet if he is good for me. But I do know he's not *bad* for me.

Crap! And double-CRAP!!

That's as bad as the saying "An enemy of my enemy is my friend".
What utter bollocks!

Just by him being indecisive and insecure IS the very thing that is bad for you.

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/18/2014 12:45:15 PM

kalikshama

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I posted this on another thread but think it is relevant here as well. Although you say this man is insecure, he seems to be pushing and pulling like an Avoidant type would. This book was available in my library system.

I had already met my man when I found this book, but I was able to review past relationships and see how they were doomed. I am now with a Secure type and can be my normal Secure self. However, when I was with Avoidant types, I became Insecure.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love

We rely on science to tell us everything from what to eat to when and how long to exercise, but what about relationships? Is there a scientific explanation for why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle? According to psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, the answer is a resounding "yes."

In Attached, Levine and Heller reveal how an understanding of adult attachment-the most advanced relationship science in existence today-can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:

Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back

Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

In this book Levine and Heller guide readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/18/2014 4:28:59 PM

sheisreeds

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OP I think your biggest problem is you keep trying to be what he needs, and where you can't you dismiss what he says he needs.

It creates a rough scenario for the other person where they feel like the other is giving so much that they want to give it another go. But you can't make yourself into what he needs as a partner, or change what he needs as a partner. You two are either a match or you're not.

He also keeps clearly trying to gracefully back you out of the relationship. Giving you reasons why the two of you are not compatible.

That means it is not working, not that you should try and be those things.

I'd like to point out some examples:

quote:

Thank you all for your advice. Him and I talked for a few hours last night. He's a switch, and he was being the Dom figure in the relationship, when what he really needs, is another switch, somebody who can take control of him at times. I think I am capable of being a switch...we tried me being in charge out a little bit when I was there last, and I enjoyed it.

Did he enjoy it? That's really what it comes down to, it had to be something worthwhile for both of you, not just for you. It's not just about being able to be dominant, it's about whether or not your nature when you're dominant does it for the person. As a dominant I don't click with everyone, even with people where there is a mutual attraction. You may just not be what he needs, it does not mean there is anything wrong with you, or with him. Just that this is not a match.

quote:

I was giving up things for him...as they were important to him, and I didn't mind giving them up at all, as giving them up were better for my health...but he doesn't even want to give this relationship a try, even if I can't challenge him. If being challenged in games is important to him, he can find friends to fill that void...

Likely it's not the games that's important to them, it is something about the personality and thinking of a person who plays them a certain way that he is attracted to. I got similar things in my life. For me it was movies, met a lot of people who like the same ones, but I needed that guy who could analyze and snark on them the same way I do. And in the end that had nothing to do with the movies, it had to do with the fact that a person that I could enjoy watching a movie with for that reason, would bring that into the rest of the relationship.

In this statement you talk about how much you are giving up, perhaps some of those things you should not be giving up and be setting as needs in a partner. In the same breath you expect him to give up something that he says is very important to him.

Compatibility is lightning in a bottle, it's hard to catch and even harder to maintain. Dating is all about seeing whether or not sparks fly, and if they don't you move on. Even if sparks do fly it does not mean they can be caught and held.

quote:

He's indecisive, and insecure...all the more reason for me not to walk away from him. I'm not giving up on him, because he hasn't given me a solid reason to give up on him.

It's not about giving up on him, and based on what you've said he's not all that indecisive or insecure. He's made it pretty clear what matters to him. He's mentioned several ways in which he feels you two are not compatible. Likely he thinks you are a nice person, and where he is indecisive and insecure is not cutting the line each time you come back and try to step up to what he wants.

< Message edited by sheisreeds -- 1/18/2014 4:31:25 PM >

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/19/2014 10:30:32 AM

littlewonder

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Attachment (1)

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/19/2014 10:46:31 AM

kalikshama

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Good one, lw

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/19/2014 11:00:35 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

Likely it's not the games that's important to them, it is something about the personality and thinking of a person who plays them a certain way that he is attracted to. I got similar things in my life. For me it was movies, met a lot of people who like the same ones, but I needed that guy who could analyze and snark on them the same way I do. And in the end that had nothing to do with the movies, it had to do with the fact that a person that I could enjoy watching a movie with for that reason, would bring that into the rest of the relationship.

Ya, I'm a reader, not a movie person. He is a movie person. We're both analytical and like to snuggle. So we spend a lot of time snuggling, watching movies, and analyzing them.

He's written a screenplay, learned about the elements of movies in order to do so, and has been passing this on to me. We watched The Hobbit last night, and afterwards spent a lot of time snuggling and discussing how the movie diverged from the book, often to conform to standard Hollywood script elements such as adding Setpieces, All Hope is Lost, Hero is Willing to Sacrifice Self.

He also composes music and I get a lot of music theory from him, so last night I noticed that when Saruman appeared, he got the same music he did in LOTR, noticed "The Shire music" at various points, etc.

So even though I am not a movie person or a musician, because he likes to teach and discuss, and I like to learn and discuss, we ended up being very compatible in these areas.

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RE: Having nothing in common with the person you're dating - 1/19/2014 11:25:36 AM

littlewonder

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I admit there are some people where compatibility is extremely important and IS a make or break.

My daughter absolutely loves video games and anime. Her boyfriend is exactly the same as her. Their free time is spent playing video games together and watching anime. If he was not into that stuff they most likely would have never gotten together or broke up soon after. It's something that is extremely important to them both because it is such a big thing in their lives. It's what they spend most of their time doing so I can see why they would want to share that with their partner.

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