Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you really dont.

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you really dont.

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you really dont.

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you really dont. - 7/5/2006 1:51:31 AM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

Ive had a hiccup this week. Im being a rather crap submissive.
During our conversation about this. I mentioned that because my feeling anti is higher than normal, im trying extra hard.
For eg. we are in bed, im nearly falling asleep, and im told to get up and get him a drink. Automatic thought = 'get it yourself!' what i do is act as if im feeling submissive, and go and get the drink.
Result, pleased Sir and im allowed to fall asleep.
But sometimes, its easier to 'act as if' than others. When things are just flowing, D/s life is a breeze. Full of fun, growth, laugher and love. Then its easy to submit, and i dont have to 'act as if' at all.
My Sir, has taken offense at my description to him of what is going on inside my head. The word 'acting' has been a thorn in his ear. His suggestion being, that a submissive, shouldnt have to 'act' at all.
I explained that were she 100% submissive 100% of the time, she'd probably be called a slave. Some of us, just dont cut the grade like that. I know from many threads, that the consensus of opinion seems to be, do it to please him, if you cant do that, do it because you agreed to obey. If its the latter, that is by my definition, 'acting as if'.
My premise is, that not only do i think this way, i suspect other submissives do this too. Nobody is perfect. There are going to be days, when your tired, when the kids have worn you down to your knees, that you feel much less submissive.
What do other people think? If you experience these days, what do you do, to continue submitting, if not 'act' ?
littleone

This week, has been particularly difficult for me to submit. Im making stupid mistakes

Post #: 1

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 2:01:46 AM

irishbynature

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

hi littleone

I've heard very similar stories such as yours. With any relationship, or job, or responsibilities (just an example)...all human beings can't get tired, worn out, or just need a break from our regular routines. Perhaps a few days of rest/relaxation would help to get your mind clear. I don't think it's a matter of whether you're 100 percent submissive. It sounds like you are just 100 percent tired (esp with the coffee...lol).

Maybe you could just explain that your are tired and would like a break from the regular routine to get your strength back? You'd said it had been a crap week in general. It sure takes a lot of energy to be 100 percent at anything....mom, employee, lover....wife...and even sub!

Warmly,
Irish

< Message edited by irishbynature -- 7/5/2006 2:02:17 AM >

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 2

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 2:11:52 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

You're not unusual. Perhaps it's time to re-examine your agreements about your relationship and make some changes. Personally, had I been *that* close to falling asleep, I wouldn't have felt very charitable toward someone telling me he's thirsty and to get him a drink. That's a three-year-old's behavior, actually. Having a submissive partner doesn't eliminate the need or ability to care for oneself.

But that's my opinion.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to irishbynature)

Post #: 3

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 2:27:14 AM

irishbynature

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

Having a submissive partner doesn't eliminate the need or ability to care for oneself.

Darnit feastie, smiles...you said that so much easier and straight to the point (in a nutshell) and it took me a parapraph. You rock!

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to feastie)

Post #: 4

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 2:28:23 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

Ok going to disagree with the two responces I see so far. I don't think there is anything wrong here, nor do I see you as being a 'crap submissive'

Sure it is nice when everything is flowing and going easy, you do things to make him happy, that makes you happy and everyone is having a good time.

Submission isn't just for the easy times, sure there are times where you are tired and grouchy. Thats quite normal, you are human. Sure you THOUGHT "Go get it yourself".... but what did you DO? You chose to submit, just like in the begining of your relationship you made the choise to submit. In many ways your submission in times where it isn't easy, where you don't feel like it but you CHOOSE to do so anyhow is MORE valuable, not less. It makes you a better submissive, not a worse one.

Small picture: for that moment you didn't want to, but you did it anyhow.
Big picture: You BOTH get what you need from the relationship, not just in the easy bits but also in the hard bits. From your posts I am sure your Sir is there for you when you need him, even where He is tired and grouchy. You both put in the effort to maintain your responcibilitys in the relationship, thats what makes it work.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 5

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 3:20:17 AM

Mavis

Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

Being a submissive isn't about always feeling submissive, but about behaving submissive anyway. If you're a secretary, you go to work, you do secretarial stuff, you're a secretary. Even if you don't "feel" like one, as long as you do your job, the title fits. You neglect the duties of a secretary, SallyLu gets your job and she's the secretary. But you know, that's after a pattern of not behaving like a secretary.

Ok, we do hope that the heart is in it all the time, or most of the time, so the anology isn't that great. But i think your Sir might react less negatively to the word "behave" instead of "act", because i really think that's how you meant it. Getting that glass of water wasn't an act, you did get it. You Behaved as His submissive. Now if you'd pretended to be thrilled doing it, "acted" might fit. Doesn't sound like "crap submissive" fits here at all!

Where you say "I explained that were she 100% submissive 100% of the time, she'd probably be called a slave. " Not really! if one were 100% submissive 100% of the time, she'd be called "a figmint of someone's imagination".

Please don't think a slaves level of service is any higher than your own.. or that it's any easier for them because they have some majic nature. All subs, and slaves have to "behave" properly even when they don't "feel" it too. and i think most only hit 83% on a good day. If you get too close to 95%, Dom/Domme, or Master/ Mistress can find a new level of service to give us something to work for.

< Message edited by Mavis -- 7/5/2006 3:25:59 AM >

_____________________________

~ Mavis

none of this applies to me, i'm only playing with lables this week.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 6

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 3:28:06 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

I think Raven is 100% spot on here. And I don't see it as acting. It's a choice. For those who don't like pain but like the feeling it brings, is it acting to want to undergo? I don't think so. No, no one is 100% submissive. I'm sure I'd think the same thing if I was beat or grouchy or sick and told to get a glass of water. But, I'd do it also because that's what we agree upon. Or, you might have said to him that you weren't feeling well or were half asleep and would he please go and get it himself. He may not have known just how tired you were.

(in reply to Mavis)

Post #: 7

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 3:42:08 AM

HayaSierra

Posts: 119
Joined: 4/7/2005
From: In Georgia
Status: offline

I will agree with the thoughts already echoed by some. You are actually doing very well as a submissive if you still obey and submit though you are grouchy, tired and stressed. Those are the times that will test and test hard. Overcoming them without throwing in the towel completely, and keeping on obeying though it is hard (and may seem impossible) at times but is very precious and a testament to your love and Devotion for your Master. You are not really acting submissive per se, but rather are serving and being submissive no matter how hard it is at any given time. There is no month where you will always feel it strong and easy, no matter how devoted you are, your body will sometimes betray you before your mind will do so. (Example, you getting up tired to get that drink for him, or you serving him when you are too tired to want to do things for yourself or would rather tell him to bugger off). Going through this time, within reason, and serving regardless will give you both something to be proud of. If you are having a really hard time, perhaps talking with him might help, he might have suggestions to help make the routine easier on your, or at least ways to help you focus on your submission and service better with all of this going on. Perhaps there are even things you can both do to destress a little.

Either way, don't feel like you are being a "crappy" submissive, you are doing your best, and from what I can see you are doing quite well given the circumstances. But as in all cases, a little communication could help here too :).

_____________________________

Haya Sierra
Haya Of Ka Azdor Estate --
http://groups.msn.com/Domsub/
Basic Information about the Hanian System of D/s

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 8

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 3:48:07 AM

D1961wildchild

Posts: 17
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline

OMG than you have company because by that definition I am a "crap submissive" too lol.

Redhead on sight and redhead by nature (part bainshee sometimes) and "YES", I love being submissive but that does not equate to it being easy, "YES", being submissive fullfills something within that I just can not put my finger on but that does not mean I just naturally go "yes Sir and how high would you like me to jump" and finally "YES" the pleasure from His pleasure is intoxicating at times but at others ... oh yes if there was a God He would do it Himself ... as she mumbles, catches her hip on the door frame walking into the kitchen to get Him a drink and half asleep trips on the step that has been there longer than she has lived goes back to bed safe in the knowledge that god is asleep at the moment; oh wait no hes not ... God is waiting for His drink! lol

I tend to fall in with what RavenMuse has to say (curtsey and smile sweetly) ... My submission is a conscious choice and durring the good times when we are both smiling and I am happy kneeling at His feet it is easy and life is great ... but if it was like that all the time where would the challenge be, where would the growth come from ... and would it be so fullfilling for Him if I was 100% submissive all the time lol. I hardly think He would have collared a rather moody, volitile redhead if He wanted an easy life so I presume He likes a challenge (that comment will probably be regretted later when He reads this)

"The gift of my submission" hmmm is the gift more treasured when it is harder to obtain? Is it more valuable for the trials and tribulations along the way? Is the conscious thought to submit even when you do not really want to a deeper submission? Is what you call acting really a demonstration of deeper commitment? I sincerely hope so because that would make me just so good, an almost perfect submissive ... sigh. But on a serious note I think it really depends on the individuals and honestly who cares, it really only matters what those involved in the relationship decide and think. What ever rocks the D/s boat and makes life fullfilling for the individuals in each relationship is good.

Small picture: for that moment you didn't want to, but you did it anyhow.
Big picture: You BOTH get what you need from the relationship, not just in the easy bits but also in the hard bits.

Thankyou for this thread (and the bruised bum that I may soon have). I have enjoyed where my thoughts have gone and will take this opportunity to say that these are just my personal ramblings and are not meant to offend or belittle anyone, as I respect and enjoy the many different thoughts and ideas represented on these boards.

warm smiles to all

_____________________________

formally redheadedfire4u ...
Driver1961's redheadedfire now lol ...
warm smiles to all

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 9

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 4:24:57 AM

LL1aintbehavin

Posts: 104
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

little1
i so understand where you are coming from. there are some days that have upsetting and stressful and my thoughts and mind are just not centered on serving. with every request and little chore i do something inside me growls, but i still do without question and without complaint.
i think these are the times when submission is not easy as we are just off centre as i think of it. the heart and mind not in the right zone for whatever outside reason that is affecting us.
i take it as it is just a bad day, and i let my Dom know that i am just not feeling myself.
it is easy to run and jump and smile and feel wonderful about everything i do on the good days. on the occasional bad days, i still do the same regardless of how i am feeling inside.
i guess these difficult days of service show the level of committment and desire to please even when it is difficult. perhaps that is the test, to be the best we can be when having a bad day.
not sure if i explained myself well on this one as its hard to put into words.
aintbehavin

(in reply to D1961wildchild)

Post #: 10

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 4:30:36 AM

talibahh

Posts: 389
Joined: 4/9/2006
From: NSW Australia
Status: offline

hello little1,

you know, i think if you did a poll and asked who here feels 100% submissive 100% of the time... i would be really surprised if anyone answered yes, they do... but of course, i could be wrong, and if they are out there, then wow! i take my hat off to them...

i don't think anything we do in life is 100% enjoyable 100% of the time, and infact i believe it's the hard times, the rough times, the low times that show us just how darn good and wonderful the high times are...

i was having a weird day myself yesterday, doubting myself, and yet knowing my heart (hard to explain)... i think it happens to all of us... you're not alone...

And i agree with the general consensus... the times of submitting and obeying when we want to just say "no!... i dont want to", are the times when we are at our most submissive... obeying and submitting when we least feel like it

hope this makes sense... just MHO

tali

PS... if you want a laugh and some helpful advice about being better than 100%... go to the humour section here and look up *How to be 100% submissive* (or something like that)... hmm... where's LA when ya need a link?

hope it gives you a laugh and cheers you up

ok... i found the link, even without LA

http://www.collarchat.com/m_395993/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#395993

< Message edited by talibahh -- 7/5/2006 4:37:31 AM >

_____________________________

"It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time" ~ Sir Winston Churchill

in giving You my freedom, i gain the freedom to be me ...
~ tali ~

(in reply to D1961wildchild)

Post #: 11

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 4:49:03 AM

enigmabrat

Posts: 2383
Joined: 8/1/2004
Status: offline

I dont have a lot to add here as Im pretty new and have no real wisdome to share here... all I know is that sub or not you are human humans get tired and worn out they have emtions and feelings just as anyone els no one can be sumbissive 100% of the time there are times when human nature and life creeep and and we need to bend and sway with the wind so to speak. You are doing your best so dont bang your head against the wall... but may I sugest next time he askes you for a drin when you are falling asleep you neednt tell him"go get it yourself" nor do you need to get it there is a middle ground. Dont get an attitude (and I think saying "go get it yourself is rude) simply explain how tired you are and that you are almost asleep and ask him nicely back if he wouldnt mind to get it instead wording and inflection make a lot of difference. If he is considerate and respects you as more then a sub then he will go get it himself (thats in my opinion) just remeber your his sub not his maid and as you said it not his slave.

Ok so maybe I had more to say then I thought

-da enigma-

< Message edited by enigmabrat -- 7/5/2006 4:51:00 AM >

_____________________________

Leather strap $85.00 on Master card
Wooden paddle $50.00 on Master card
ratten cane $48.00 on Master card

a Master that can use them all Priceless

(in reply to talibahh)

Post #: 12

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 4:59:01 AM

MrrPete

Posts: 614
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

To the OP

Actions speak louder than words and in this case louder than thoughts.
You fulfilled the "request" for water as any sub worth her sunmission
will do. Well done!

What you left out of the scenario was his response when you presnted
the water to him. He should have at least said thank you or given some
indication that you have pleased him. Did he?

_____________________________

Awrabest,

Mr. Pete

Boycott Citgo

(in reply to LL1aintbehavin)

Post #: 13

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 5:17:09 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

OK I can see a further comment maybe needed here, given the direction some of the replies seem to be taking.

Firstly, we are presented here with an isolated incident, we do not know all the factors her Sir was taking into account at the time. Indeed he might not be able to remember all of them, a lot of the time we are making subconcious judgements on what is needed.

People need to remember that a Dominant has got more than just the responcibility to the relationship, but also to maintain the D/s dynamic of that relationship. It is there clearly in the OP where she identifies the end result as a "Happy Master" and then her getting to go to sleep. A 30 second trip to fetch a drink, and as a result she has a positive feeling about the dynamic. The 'complain' if that is what it was rounded on the 'feeling' of not wanting to do it and that maybe nothing more than a communication glitch.

For example. An isolated incident....
A few weeks ago My girl and I got back to my place, she was dead on her feet (So much so that she can't even remember the walk from the train). We both walked through the kitchen on the way in, I am more than capable of getting my own drink but I told her to fix us both a drink and bring it into the livingroom.

Anyone want to tell Me I was acting like a 3 year old?

No, because you know you don't have ALL the information. All the way back my girl was feeling guilty because stress and events in her life apart from me where making her tired and, in her eyes, a bad slave. I got her to fix the drinks to 'feed' the need for control, the need to serve, just a little so she would be calm enough that when I got her to rest on the couch "For a moment" whilst I finished my drink, she would, as I expected, fall asleep and catch an hour or two much needed sleep, which she would not have done had she still been fretting about what a "bad girl" she was. Of course she is anything but a bad girl, it was mearly guilt, unwarrented guilt, something I had to deal with effectivly.

There is NOTHING in the OP that I see out of place except maybe a gap in communication over her choise of wording about 'acting'.

Just My opinion, but maybe it will help some folks see a possible other side to this equasion!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to MrrPete)

Post #: 14

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 5:59:58 AM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

First off I just want to say what a pleasure it is to read your post Raven. My Sir and I both feel you give great advice and obviously know yourself and this lifestyle well.

I do struggle with submission. Not always of course. But, when something comes up that I don't like or want to do then it becomes a bigger deal. I'm really trying to learn that it's a choice to submit and not just something that is an automatic response from me. My Sir wants me to submit and obey to him. He expects me to tell him what is in my heart and mind at all times and not to second guess what it is he is trying to do. None of this comes easy, but I am learning the rewards are great.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 15

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 6:18:06 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

There is nothing wrong with you and you are definitely not alone. We all have those moments when we don't feel so submissively....and even some moments where we feel downright put upon. Try to look at this from a different angle though. At those moments that you are not feeling submissive and it doesn't come so easy to you, I would suggest that it's at those times that you are even closer in touch with your submission and the reasons why you are there. You override that sometimes strong urge to say "get it yourself" and you get up and do it with a smile on your face because somewhere in your head you just did the math and came to the conclusion that you will do it because in the big picture you are satisfied. It's not easy to override those kind of thoughts and in my personal view, when you do, it's a strong expression of your submission....even if the other party is unaware of the struggle and only sees the smile on your face and the drink in your hand.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 16

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 7:21:44 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

I agree with what RavenMuse said in both his posts. You were not acting, you were submitting. And there may well be reasons beyond Sir just wanting a drink as to why he had you get it. Periodically I am woken up at 3am or so because Master wants something of me. At that precise moment, all I can think of is "sleeeeeeeeeeep.....oh god where is my sleeeeeep." Hey who says we're rational while in the midst of a good REM moment?

But, you did it anyway. And he was pleased. And you feel good when he is pleased. How is that not submission? Maybe at that time you did not have that small feeling. Maybe you weren't consumed with feeling like his servant. But you submitted - you yielded to him despite your personal wants and desires (and sleep can really be a driving force!). I'd say you're doing rather well!

And I'd say if you can see and realize that, then your Sir has done much more than to have simply wanted a drink.

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 17

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 7:36:29 AM

Taylore

Posts: 121
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

This slave would agree with what RavenMuse and the others have said. We all have days like this. It goes against human nature to be 'happy' ALL of the time. Despite your feelings, you got up and got your Sir a drink anyway. That says more to me than the fact that 'you are having a hiccup' in your submission.
I would also like to commend you for telling your Sir about how you felt. Too often one will keep those feelings inside and allow them to fester.

_____________________________

Taylore

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 18

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 7:36:56 AM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

Bites Tongue...

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 19

RE: Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you reall... - 7/5/2006 7:47:58 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u

Bites Tongue...

Pffft, was that for me? Here, bite a tart little grannysmith instead. Less likely to bleed.

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Behaving 'as if' you feel submissive when you really dont.

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.156