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RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 2:44:33 AM

MariaB

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When I met Steve I instantly lusted him. His face, his voice, his confidence, his cheeky smile and his beautiful body. Because we had both just come out of failed relationships, we had planned nothing more than a one night stand, nothing serious, no expectations. The following day he flew off to California for a work course and I took myself along to a fetish market so I could share my incredible night with my fet friends. Apparently I was walking around in a daze with a big beam on my face!

What I didn't know that day was Steve felt the same way I did. It was love at first lust and when that happens for both involved the energy is incredible.

The problems with love at first lust is, it tends to only happen to one person and when that happens, it obviously can't work.

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RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 6:00:55 AM

needlesandpins

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relationship are complex things, and they fail for a multitude of reasons. anyone that has studied any of the psychology phds are going to want to spout their self important know-it-all knowledge. what I wonder is this; why does all their knowledge not stop their own relationships failing?

I know instantly that I meet a person whether I feel comfortable with them, or not. I know whether I am attracted to them, or not. I know whether I want to see that person again, or not. hell a man only has to open his mouth for me to know whether there is going to be another meeting, let alone it getting any further.

needles

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RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 6:19:20 AM

Kana

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quote:

Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry

Not me-I take care to ensure I remain mad stocked full of chloroform and GBH

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Post #: 23

RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 6:19:53 AM

MsMJAY

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

FR

What if you come from a stable home with parents in a highly functional and successful marriage. I have good relationships with my parents still, they have a wonderful loving marriage after thirty years. As creepy as the whole 'subconsciously dating your own parents' things sound, I could do a lot worse than replicating my childhood home - it was safe and full of love.

My parents have been together for over 40 years, raised 5 kids who all turned out OK and gave us a safe happy home. They have always had each others back, are the love of each other's lives, and they still (eww

) make out in corners. I should be so lucky.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 24

RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 6:37:22 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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FR

I very much disagree with the premise that relationships fail due to chemistry. Good physical chemistry is essential if you want to be more than good friends.

Sure some people attract those that help them replay their family dysfunction. This can be hard to see in someone you don't know well, but it can be overcome with the help of a good therapist.

It's been my experience far more relationships die due to lack of compatibility and lack of common interests. Wonderful chemistry is a great foundation for a sexual relationship, it's (usually) not enough to sustain a long term relationship.

You need both.

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Post #: 25

RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 7:16:40 AM

Domnotlooking

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When the verdict is "not into you", there is no court of appeals.

If someone didn't feel a little tingle when they met me, there's no way I'd want to act like a Jehova's Witness/insurance salesman with my foot stuck in the door jam, demanding a recount.

Likewise, if I wasn't feel in' it, there's no way I wouldn't do the right thing and shitcan the whole morose morass.

That said, chemistry can be delusional. A lot of women have claimed it towards me, but what they really felt chemistry towards was my income/status, not actually messy old me.

It may have also come to pass that I felt the chemistry-pull towards wrongheaded partners who were (by coincidence, I'm sure) really, really good looking.

In a chemistry mismatch, the only thing salvageable is your pride. Time to take the high road and suddenly remember that you left the stove on.

Short version: diplomacy, tact, outa there.

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 26

RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 7:26:43 AM

sloguy02246

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FR

Words from another poster on an earlier thread (sorry, I don't remember who wrote this(maybe Lucy), but I saved it because I thought it was excellent advice):

"My personal view is that it's best to date someone and actually figure out if you like them before playing or committing to that person. Sex can break through a lot of walls and drive your hormones into the max setting, but it also gets confused with real emotions. Then three months into a relationship when the shine is starting to wear off, someone realizes that they've confused tingly genitals with love and that they actually don't even like the person they're with."

(in reply to Domnotlooking)

Post #: 27

RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 8:43:25 AM

Spiritedsub2

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Yes, the tingly genitals at the beginning is what I think of when people are talking about initial chemistry. That's why I agreed with the OP post that real chemistry can take a long time to develop, maybe too long for most of us to invest the time.

The most powerful chemistry I've experienced in my life was absent when I met him, and NOTHING about him would have hinted to me that I'd feel anything for him. We just liked each other right off, worked in the same place, talked daily, and 2 months down the road it ignited.

The 2 months of daily contact would never have happened if I'd met him on a date, because there was no tingly chemistry at first and I wouldn't have gone on 2 months of dates with him to see what would happen. And I would have lost out on that feeling. I'm sure there is a lesson here, but I don't know what it is!

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Post #: 28

RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 9:45:12 AM

LorraineCA

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quote:

ORIGINAL: EdBowie

For thousands of years, in thousands of places, arranged marriages were the norm, and they 'worked' as well as anything could, with or without chemistry.

EdBowie, this is an excellent point!

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Post #: 29

RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 9:49:05 AM

LorraineCA

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Joined: 12/10/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sloguy02246

FR

Words from another poster on an earlier thread (sorry, I don't remember who wrote this(maybe Lucy), but I saved it because I thought it was excellent advice):

"My personal view is that it's best to date someone and actually figure out if you like them before playing or committing to that person. Sex can break through a lot of walls and drive your hormones into the max setting, but it also gets confused with real emotions. Then three months into a relationship when the shine is starting to wear off, someone realizes that they've confused tingly genitals with love and that they actually don't even like the person they're with."

sloguy02246, how true it is! Chemistry, as most people view it (sexually), may eventually wear out.

(in reply to sloguy02246)

Post #: 30

RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 9:51:07 AM

Blonderfluff

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From: Down the Shore
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking

When the verdict is "not into you", there is no court of appeals.

If someone didn't feel a little tingle when they met me, there's no way I'd want to act like a Jehova's Witness/insurance salesman with my foot stuck in the door jam, demanding a recount.

Likewise, if I wasn't feel in' it, there's no way I wouldn't do the right thing and shitcan the whole morose morass.

That said, chemistry can be delusional. A lot of women have claimed it towards me, but what they really felt chemistry towards was my income/status, not actually messy old me.

It may have also come to pass that I felt the chemistry-pull towards wrongheaded partners who were (by coincidence, I'm sure) really, really good looking.

In a chemistry mismatch, the only thing salvageable is your pride. Time to take the high road and suddenly remember that you left the stove on.

Short version: diplomacy, tact, outa there.

EXACTLY this.

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Post #: 31

RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 10:06:17 AM

windchymes

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Just because you have chemistry at the beginning doesn't mean you're not going to blow up the lab later on. I think the main topic is more about getting relationships off the ground, not keeping a relationship that has already been established.

You can have all the chemistry and compatibility in the world, but if you BOTH don't do as much planning and giving as you do taking and expecting, then it's never going to work. Chemistry and compatibility won't get you through life crises like illness and death, financial disasters, and the like. And there are lots of other people out there who you can suddenly feel chemistry with, how are you going to deal with that?

I think mutual respect has a lot to do with keeping a relationship alive. BOTH of you wanting the other to be happy and being willing to do what it takes. BEING a good partner, not just FINDING a good partner. I know Dr. Laura isn't all that popular, but she does have a good formula for relationship/marriage success IMO: Choose wisely and treat kindly.

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RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 10:07:56 AM

MalcolmNathaniel

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~FR~

I think the guy is blowing smoke up your ass. If he's got a PhD in Psychology he wouldn't be using terms like, "chemistry" repeatedly. Or even once unless he was talking about neuro-transmitters.

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Post #: 33

RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 10:43:40 AM

windchymes

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Social media has a LOT to do with relationships never getting off the ground or not lasting long. The dating site Plenty of Fish had a forum where people wrote in with all their dating problems, and the most common problem was people complaining about text messaging. Because they texted someone and they didn't text right back, so OMG what does that mean?

Or they text something like "Sup?" or "Hey" and complain because they got no response.

Instead of asking someone out with a specific date, time and activity, they text "I'll be at the club Friday night if you wanna hang out". So they either complain because no one showed up, or the other party wants to know, "What does that mean? Does he/she really like me? Should I go or not?"

The rate their chemistry/compatibility factor on the text messages. They panic if an hour or two or four go by and they didn't get a response. So they start texting obsessively and desperately, then go all psycho-martyr on them, and finally break off what really never was. Next day, they find out the other party was busy at work, or lost the phone, or the battery died, but there's no way they're interested anymore because of what a psycho the other one was. Then you get the "I made one little mistake, how can I get them back???" threads, lol.

I mean, some people have lost their freaking minds due to text messaging, lol.

Calling to talk is a lost art. It's all done by texting. If they do somehow end up on a real date, they both keep the iPhones cocked and loaded on the table or in their pocket and they use them continuously during the date. And then wonder why there was no chemistry. And they had a good time, but they don't know if the other one had a good time and I'd like to get together again but I don't know if he/she wants to, and on and on.

In online dating sites, the general expectation now is for instant "chemistry" and attraction. If you don't get your socks knocked off by the first look or in the first five minutes, then bah, there was no chemistry, on to the next one. They don't go on first dates anymore, it's first meet-ups or meet-and-greets for coffee or a drink, just to see what they look like before you waste time and money on them. Because in all fairness, a LOT of people post VERY deceptive photos on their profiles. But if you don't look EXACTLY like the photo, meaning even if your hairstyle is different, you can get accused of being deceptive because it doesn't look like that in the photo. People don't look for the good, they look for "dealbreakers", gotta find those asap.

And then there's Facebook. Many relationships ruined by friending and unfriending and photos and stalking a new interest's page, only to find lots of friends of the opposite sex along with racy photos of all of them. A girl decides she MUST have this particular guy, even though she's seen several hundred other girls on his friends list and photos page. Then starts wailing because he won't settle down and be faithful to her.

Oh, I could go on, but I need to check my Facebook page

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Post #: 34

RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 11:16:17 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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I've been reading about this lack of ability to interact with others except through a text based format.

I often wonder how these people have sex. Do they respond to messages while they're 'busy?'

And how much of it is due to the electronic age, and how much due to over-indulgent parents who never taught them to stand on their own two feet emotionally, granting even the slightest of whims instantly.

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RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 11:25:40 AM

ExiledTyrant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MalcolmNathaniel

~FR~

I think the guy is blowing smoke up your ass. If he's got a PhD in Psychology he wouldn't be using terms like, "chemistry" repeatedly. Or even once unless he was talking about neuro-transmitters.

Lung cancer of the colon isn't ever a good thing.

Jus sayin

Exiled

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To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

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Post #: 36

RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 11:38:25 AM

needlesandpins

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I know someone who posts to facebook while she is in bed, one who will do so while having a meal with her hubby, and even get him involved in conversations too. I've seen then walking down the street on the phone posting to facebook. it's all a bit weird to me.

needles

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RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 1:02:36 PM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: EdBowie

For thousands of years, in thousands of places, arranged marriages were the norm, and they 'worked' as well as anything could, with or without chemistry.

They worked well for what they were designed for. Economic growth and a safe environment to have children.

They did not work to create love nor desire. Indeed, most of those arranged marriages were legally buying women to use to rape and beat nonconsensually.

Since today, women do not need to accept sexual and physical abuse in order to have a roof over their heads, this no longer works.

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RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 2:14:24 PM

VideoAdminGamma

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You have met my mother-in-law before Rich?

Gamma

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheHeretic

I want to see a woman drunk, before I get too deeply involved. Forget waiting months or years to "see the beauty within" - I want to know if there is an ugly bitch hiding in there, and the sooner the better.

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Post #: 39

RE: Most Relationships Fail Because Of Chemistry - 1/11/2014 4:11:02 PM

FieryOpal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: EdBowie

For thousands of years, in thousands of places, arranged marriages were the norm, and they 'worked' as well as anything could, with or without chemistry.

They worked well for what they were designed for. Economic growth and a safe environment to have children.

They did not work to create love nor desire. Indeed, most of those arranged marriages were legally buying women to use to rape and beat nonconsensually.

Since today, women do not need to accept sexual and physical abuse in order to have a roof over their heads, this no longer works.

For thousands of years it has been standard practice for men to take mistresses - with a small "m"- and concubines, if they could afford to do so. It wasn't uncommon either for a man to stay in an arranged marriage in order to avoid repaying or recompensing his bride's dowry, often a wife's only assurance/insurance that she could not be easily cast off, she and her children dispossessed due to her husband's capricious lust for another woman. (Or in English King Henry VIII's case, combined with his obsession to produce a male heir, which forever altered the course of world history.)

A loveless marriage is accursed. That's neither here nor there, however, as noted below:

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

I think the main topic is more about getting relationships off the ground, not keeping a relationship that has already been established.
....
I think mutual respect has a lot to do with keeping a relationship alive. BOTH of you wanting the other to be happy and being willing to do what it takes. BEING a good partner, not just FINDING a good partner. I know Dr. Laura isn't all that popular, but she does have a good formula for relationship/marriage success IMO: Choose wisely and treat kindly.

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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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Post #: 40

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