quote:

ORIGINAL: LorraineCA

I had a submissive that seemed very intelligent. He claimed he had a PhD in Psychology and I would sit and listen to this guy talk for hours and hours. He claimed most relationships fail and the reason they fail is because people are looking for chemistry up front. And if there wasn't any chemistry in the first or second date the person isn't interested in continuing it.

He claimed that we need to stop looking at the physical features and get to know the person's personality.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LorraineCA

I had a submissive that seemed very intelligent. He claimed he had a PhD in Psychology and I would sit and listen to this guy talk for hours and hours. He claimed most relationships fail and the reason they fail is because people are looking for chemistry up front. And if there wasn't any chemistry in the first or second date the person isn't interested in continuing it.

He claimed that we need to stop looking at the physical features and get to know the person's personality. Don't look for chemistry and if there is chemistry walk away from the relationship. He claimed that most of us come from unhealthy families and this chemistry is reflecting the relationship we had with our Dad and/or Mom, which is unhealthy. We fulfill our childhood in our partner if there is chemistry right away. I don't have any training in Psychology so I apologize if I'm not explaining this correctly. Or if you think I know what I'm trying to say please say so.

So when you date look to see what her/his personality is. Does this person listen? Short temper? Etc. Once you do that then see if chemistry develops. It may take months or even years. You need to see the beauty within.

Would you agree with this premise?

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ORIGINAL: sexyred1

People often confuse chemistry with compatibility. It's completely different.

Chemistry is a pull of attraction, it is sexual, sensual and how they make you feel.

Compatibility is things in common, ease of conversations, shared sense of humor, similar values and goals. It's how someone treats you.

Sadly, these things are not usually present in one person, or not in the right percentages.

I had outrageous chemistry that lasted over 10 years with little compatibility. I was with someone perfect for me in compatibility but felt very little chemistry. I could barely sleep with her.

It's sad when these things don't work.

You cannot take traits from column A and B like a Chinese menu.

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Just because you have chemistry at the beginning doesn't mean you're not going to blow up the lab later on. I think the main topic is more about getting relationships off the ground, not keeping a relationship that has already been established.

You can have all the chemistry and compatibility in the world, but if you BOTH don't do as much planning and giving as you do taking and expecting, then it's never going to work. Chemistry and compatibility won't get you through life crises like illness and death, financial disasters, and the like. And there are lots of other people out there who you can suddenly feel chemistry with, how are you going to deal with that?

I think mutual respect has a lot to do with keeping a relationship alive. BOTH of you wanting the other to be happy and being willing to do what it takes. BEING a good partner, not just FINDING a good partner. I know Dr. Laura isn't all that popular, but she does have a good formula for relationship/marriage success IMO: Choose wisely and treat kindly.

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ORIGINAL: MariaB

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Just because you have chemistry at the beginning doesn't mean you're not going to blow up the lab later on. I think the main topic is more about getting relationships off the ground, not keeping a relationship that has already been established.

You can have all the chemistry and compatibility in the world, but if you BOTH don't do as much planning and giving as you do taking and expecting, then it's never going to work. Chemistry and compatibility won't get you through life crises like illness and death, financial disasters, and the like. And there are lots of other people out there who you can suddenly feel chemistry with, how are you going to deal with that?

I think mutual respect has a lot to do with keeping a relationship alive. BOTH of you wanting the other to be happy and being willing to do what it takes. BEING a good partner, not just FINDING a good partner. I know Dr. Laura isn't all that popular, but she does have a good formula for relationship/marriage success IMO: Choose wisely and treat kindly.

If you are willing to work on something together, through thick and through thin, then you likely already have chemistry and compatibility. Its more likely to work out if you have those two things.

I understand what you are saying about mutual respect and putting effort into the relationship to make sure your partner is happy but why on earth would they be separate to chemistry and comparability. Surely if you have those two elements all the other good things follow naturally?

When I married the father of my youngest son there was no chemistry and very little compatibility. We were both good friends and during our marriage, worked very hard on keeping one another happy and even now we have a lot of mutual respect for one another. Those things alone were not enough to keep us together. Now if we had also had compatibility and chemistry our marriage would of been pretty awesome.

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ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

I know someone who posts to facebook while she is in bed, one who will do so while having a meal with her hubby, and even get him involved in conversations too. I've seen then walking down the street on the phone posting to facebook. it's all a bit weird to me.

needles

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ORIGINAL: windchymes


Sometimes I get so many thoughts and words flying around in my brain, I have a hard time getting them all typed out in an organized fashion where I actually said what I meant

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: EdBowie

For thousands of years, in thousands of places, arranged marriages were the norm, and they 'worked' as well as anything could, with or without chemistry.

They worked well for what they were designed for. Economic growth and a safe environment to have children.

They did not work to create love nor desire. Indeed, most of those arranged marriages were legally buying women to use to rape and beat nonconsensually.

Since today, women do not need to accept sexual and physical abuse in order to have a roof over their heads, this no longer works.

quote:

ORIGINAL: EdBowie

That is a viewpoint specific to a particular place and time, lumping all the arranged marriages across the world today as 'don't work' seems a bit self centered.

I suspect that it is a little more complex than that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLEf6C7cSDc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxNs_A9hT9Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A2MBneb7lc

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: EdBowie

For thousands of years, in thousands of places, arranged marriages were the norm, and they 'worked' as well as anything could, with or without chemistry.

They worked well for what they were designed for. Economic growth and a safe environment to have children.

They did not work to create love nor desire. Indeed, most of those arranged marriages were legally buying women to use to rape and beat nonconsensually.

Since today, women do not need to accept sexual and physical abuse in order to have a roof over their heads, this no longer works.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

This whole subject is still, quite a pickle for me. The men I often have chemistry with, are men that I know are not great for me. But the ones who have zero chemistry, I fear I will get unhappy and disgruntled because of lack of sexual connection in the long term.

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ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter

Just to be clear, are you....are you in favor of arranged marriages?

quote:

ORIGINAL: EdBowie

That is a viewpoint specific to a particular place and time, lumping all the arranged marriages across the world today as 'don't work' seems a bit self centered.

I suspect that it is a little more complex than that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLEf6C7cSDc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxNs_A9hT9Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A2MBneb7lc

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: EdBowie

For thousands of years, in thousands of places, arranged marriages were the norm, and they 'worked' as well as anything could, with or without chemistry.

They worked well for what they were designed for. Economic growth and a safe environment to have children.

They did not work to create love nor desire. Indeed, most of those arranged marriages were legally buying women to use to rape and beat nonconsensually.

Since today, women do not need to accept sexual and physical abuse in order to have a roof over their heads, this no longer works.

quote:

Where did I say that?
If I say that arranged marriages were the norm for a long time, and are still considered viable in a lot of the world today, how does that indicate approval?

Should I lie and claim that no one today practices them, or that they are all horrible failures, to prove I don't approve of them?

It isn't an online video game, it's real life.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter


So are you against arranged marriages or....

What point are you making precisely?

quote:

ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter

quote:

Where did I say that?
If I say that arranged marriages were the norm for a long time, and are still considered viable in a lot of the world today, how does that indicate approval?

Should I lie and claim that no one today practices them, or that they are all horrible failures, to prove I don't approve of them?

It isn't an online video game, it's real life.

So are you against arranged marriages or....

What point are you making precisely?

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Beating your wife used to be the norm for a long time. Does that mean we should approve of spousal abuse?
Marrying very young girls used to be the norm for men who were pedophiles. Should we approve of that?