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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 1/30/2014 4:07:21 AM

SubSlutSlave11

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Again, thank you ALL for posting. I look forward to reading, on a touch now, so it's hard to see whilst typing. Hope most have a good day.

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 1/30/2014 4:13:31 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SubSlutSlave11

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

when men come in and out of your life, there's only one reason and it ain't because they like you. Instead they ain't getting any anywhere else and so they go back to the one before that put out, be it sex or bj or play or whatever. You're just a booty call. Men don't go in and out of your life for any other reason no matter what their excuse is and yeah I've heard them all.....I met this girl but I kept thinking of you, work has been really busy, I was really sick, my grandmother died, my cat died, I lost my cell phone and I couldn't remember where you lived, I was afraid of hurting you, I realized I wasn't ready for a relationship but I can't stop thinking of you (until he gets what he wants and he's off again), blah blah blah

He's not ignoring you. Either you didn't put out and he gave up until he decides to try again in the future or you did put out and now he doesn't need you anymore until the next time he needs a little sumptin sumptin.

Yes, yeah... Yup, you know it all. Men should watch out bc you know all.

I hate to be the one to tell you this (okay, no I don't) but Lw's comment is spot on. She's learned a *lot* about men over the years, as have I. And there are men (not all, just some) who will make someone a booty call without bothering to tell the girl that's what she is. Many in fact lie and make a big pretense of a relationship when in reality they don't like her, perhaps don't even find her attractive, but can get sex from her.

This isn't rare, I've seen it often.

Men who want a relationship act like they want a relationship.

How is that? They call you often, they see you often, they court you, they make it clear you are a priority in their life, they can't seem to get enough of you. Not just sex, talking, being, learning about the other. You know, in love.

I seriously doubt Lw thinks she 'knows it all about men,' anymore than I do. But I know some things, and that's one of them.

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Post #: 42

RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 1/30/2014 4:30:35 AM

angelikaJ

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Spotty contact is not the same as ignoring in the BDSM sense.

I have been ignored when there has been some sort of major transgression.
It didn't come out of nowhere.
I knew the reason.
It sucked.

Spotty contact is someone who has no use for you outside of when he wants to.
It signifys to me that there really isn't a relationship, outside of what his terms are.
If that is what you want, there is nothing wrong with it, but know it for what it is.

If you want a Relationship instead of being a booty call then settling will only make you feel unwanted and lonely.
The truth is you are unwanted... until he wants you.

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 1/30/2014 7:10:49 AM

ResidentSadist

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-fr

Did I misunderstand you or are you trying to see if the potential stalkers on these forums will admit it? Why would I care if someone I was ignoring wanted me or not unless they were stalking me? I am not mentally backwards or in preschool learning how to attract the opposite sex. If I ignore someone, it's because I don't care. If someone is being ignored, they shouldn't care. If you feel otherwise = future stalker.

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 1/30/2014 7:41:38 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

Men who want a relationship act like they want a relationship.

How is that? They call you often, they see you often, they court you, they make it clear you are a priority in their life, they can't seem to get enough of you. Not just sex, talking, being, learning about the other. You know, in love.

I'd just change this to:

Men who want a relationship and are capable of being in a relationship act like they want a relationship.

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 1/30/2014 7:55:41 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

Original: HisBestStory

I put myself into therapy and am still there. and will be for a very long time as now if i feel a click after talking online or whatever, it no longer gives me the hope and excitement of new possibilities but actually is a trigger of fear and a reason to run away and build walls higher. And i'm still isolated, afraid of everyone and why i seem to have this i'll be who you need til you don't need me sign on my head... which is something that i began work on over 5 yrs ago and had successfully thought i'd worked past all of that crap.

Ya, I learned to fear that electric feeling of connection too...it never boded well.

Keep up the good work in therapy! Therapy helped me make better chances and I am now with a terrific man. Also check this out if you haven't already and avoid Avoidant types. It was in my library system:

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love

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Post #: 46

RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 1/30/2014 9:29:48 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
you blow off your chores, so your dom ties you to a chair and does your chores instead of taking you out to dinner. It's humiliating, and a direct explanation that actions have consequences.

Yeyy, I misbehaved so I got tied up? Awesome! Rewarding bad behaviour: my favourite Dom error ;-)

n.b. Not everyone considers bondage to be 'ignoring'. Some of us consider it to be 'really good play'.

Perhaps you weren't serious, but just to be clear: something like that only works with someone who has a sense of duty and personal responsibility. It's humiliating to realize that someone else is doing my work because I wasn't focused enough to get it done myself. Of course there are women (and men) who, instead, would see the situation as an opportunity to get out of doing something. But I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who thought that way.

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 1/30/2014 1:07:29 PM

orgasmdenial12

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
you blow off your chores, so your dom ties you to a chair and does your chores instead of taking you out to dinner. It's humiliating, and a direct explanation that actions have consequences.

Yeyy, I misbehaved so I got tied up? Awesome! Rewarding bad behaviour: my favourite Dom error ;-)

n.b. Not everyone considers bondage to be 'ignoring'. Some of us consider it to be 'really good play'.

Perhaps you weren't serious, but just to be clear: something like that only works with someone who has a sense of duty and personal responsibility. It's humiliating to realize that someone else is doing my work because I wasn't focused enough to get it done myself. Of course there are women (and men) who, instead, would see the situation as an opportunity to get out of doing something. But I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who thought that way.

Then why administer a punishment in the first place?

The point of a punishment is to make a person reconsider their actions. It's my experience, as someone who deals with dangerous, inappropriate or inadequate behaviour every day, that a foolish punishment is worse than no punishment at all. Like I say - rewarding bad behaviour. If encouraging a sense of duty and personal responsibility is the only thing that you are concerned about, then wrapping it up as as bondage funishment is not going to get your point across, it's merely going to ensure that the sub sees their failure as part of a fun bdsm game with exciting consequences and encourage the exact behaviour that you are trying to address.

As regards duty and responsibility, not all of us engage in domestic service as part of our power exchange, thus I would consider any attempt to punish me for lack of domestic duties at best amusing and at worst a kind of stone-age anti-feminism that called into question the entire foundation of our relationship. So, in the first instance, something like this would only work on a person who accepted and had consented to such play, regardless of how dutiful and responsible they were in any other area of their life. Adding a patina of bondage over the top as 'punishment' while I relaxed and watched him do the chores that he should have been doing all along, would merely convince me that this was a fun roleplay designed to make watching him clean seem hot. Ymmv :-)

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 1/30/2014 1:43:06 PM

RedMagic1

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Your relation toward kink seems to be more one of hedonism than using it as a tool for personal growth, but not everyone is the same. Many people enter into D/s relationships in part because they want reinforcement for things, like going to the gym regularly, or keeping their house clean, or being a non-bratty partner. So they thrive under rules, and through accomplishment of goals: even if it isn't fun, it's something they need and that helps them grow.

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 1/30/2014 2:10:20 PM

evesgrden

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FR-

If you are taking time apart for one party to calm down, regardless whether it's the d or the s, then that's not ignoring. If someone is seriously worked up about something then they're IQ is functioning about 50% less than usual. Rose colored glasses, love, giddiness rage grief or despair all impede problem solving. Sometimes you just need to get yourself together and calm down. That's not ignoring, it's quiet time.

If the s needs to get stuff done and the d says "contact me after you've gotten it done, and not before", that's a directive, not ignoring. If the s contacts the d it better be an emergency and if it's not there's an obedience issue to be addressed. Ignoring disobedience is not something I'd recommend.

If out of the blue someone stops taking your calls, doesn't respond to text or emails then it's not a relationship in my book. They're either not interested as others above have noted, or worse if they come back to tell you were being punished for something, you're dealing with an emotional vampire who'll suck the life out of you. Bad news either way. Frankly I think anyone who consents to relationship where they'll be arbitrarily ignored is consenting to an unhealthy relationship. Yup, judgmental; I don't think that kink is ok.

And, as RS noted, keep pestering someone who is not taking your calls, nor responding to other forms of communication starts to look like stalking. It's not a relationship if only 1 person is participating in it.

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 1/31/2014 7:29:20 AM

NuevaVida

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I wrote about ignoring in the other thread in Off Topic. If he were to actually ignore me, I would withdraw and move on. I don't spend my time with people who don't want to be around me. Been there, done that, and it was too heart wrenching. I've since come to love and respect myself enough to decide that isn't healthy for me, and doesn't fit in my life. I don't beg for love and friendships.

This is much different than a cooling off period, or a set and understood period of distance for reasons that are explained. If/when that happens. I go about my business until we come together again, while contemplating and processing the reasons why.

My ex owner used to go days without talking to me, unannounced and unexplained. It would make me frantic sometimes. Never again.

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 1/31/2014 8:33:35 PM

littlewonder

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SubSlutSlave11

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

when men come in and out of your life, there's only one reason and it ain't because they like you. Instead they ain't getting any anywhere else and so they go back to the one before that put out, be it sex or bj or play or whatever. You're just a booty call. Men don't go in and out of your life for any other reason no matter what their excuse is and yeah I've heard them all.....I met this girl but I kept thinking of you, work has been really busy, I was really sick, my grandmother died, my cat died, I lost my cell phone and I couldn't remember where you lived, I was afraid of hurting you, I realized I wasn't ready for a relationship but I can't stop thinking of you (until he gets what he wants and he's off again), blah blah blah

He's not ignoring you. Either you didn't put out and he gave up until he decides to try again in the future or you did put out and now he doesn't need you anymore until the next time he needs a little sumptin sumptin.

Yes, yeah... Yup, you know it all. Men should watch out bc you know all.

About relationships? Yup....almost. I'm not a child and I've lived a loooong, hard, life. I'm very good at being able to tell just exactly what people are after and just how they will go about doing it. I'm rarely wrong.

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 1/31/2014 8:58:41 PM

DesFIP

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You seem to be laboring under the misapprehension that if his dick is occasionally in you, that it means he's into you. You are wrong.

If he thought about you a lot, wondered how you were doing, thought first of you when it came to sharing the funny things that happened during his day, wanted your support if there was a problem - then he would be in contact with you to ask you how your interview/appointment/project went. He'd be calling you several times a day or texting you to share funny stuff. He'd be calling you when he needed a sympathetic ear about the flat he got.

You judge people by their actions. Words are cheap, actions are real. And his actions show that unless he wants you to put out he doesn't care to talk to you. Denial is not a river in Egypt.

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 2/1/2014 7:21:24 AM

Kana

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quote:

Hello. :) I just have a quick question for any Dom or Master to answer (if They'd be so kind:): Do You think that ignoring a sub/slave will make them want You more?

Nope

quote:

Or can it have the opposite effect?

Yep

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 2/1/2014 11:47:27 AM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Men who want a relationship act like they want a relationship.

This right here.

When I met the Mister, he had two jobs, commuted an hour each way to see/get his daughter twice a week until he ultimately moved closer to her so she could be with him 50%...basically had a LOT going on, and still made time for me, since he wanted me in the picture.

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 2/2/2014 5:00:18 PM

sunshinemiss

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Sunny Quote of the Day
goes to
ChatteParfaitt
for

Men who want a relationship
act like they want a relationship.

How is that?
They call you often,
they see you often,
they court you,
they make it clear
you are a priority in their life,
they can't seem to get enough of you.
Not just sex,
talking, being, learning about the other.
You know, in love.

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 2/9/2014 9:24:41 PM

tattooedlilone

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Terrible idea. My most hated punishment

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 2/10/2014 3:31:40 AM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Your relation toward kink seems to be more one of hedonism than using it as a tool for personal growth, but not everyone is the same. Many people enter into D/s relationships in part because they want reinforcement for things, like going to the gym regularly, or keeping their house clean, or being a non-bratty partner. So they thrive under rules, and through accomplishment of goals: even if it isn't fun, it's something they need and that helps them grow.

Hmm, I'm seeing a lot of things mixed together here.

Does cleaning really count as personal growth? Does a lack of domestic service mean one does not thrive under rules?

My relationship is based on sadomasochism, rather than hedonism. That is - the consensual infliction of pain, control and discipline by the sadistic party onto the masochistic party. I can assure you that there are times when this arrangement is anything but hedonistic - when the pain to be suffered is so extreme as to make vacuuming look like an orgiastic swingers party. What is more, the infliction of pain can be used to reinforce many aspects of personal growth, such as taking exercise, going to bed at a sensible time and eating healthy food. So I very much disagree that this is a question of hedonism vs. personal growth, or that a person not interested in household chores is uninterested in any rules at all.

This is more simply a case that some people focus on service in their relationships and some focus on control. I am one who focusses on control. But that focus on control in no way lessens the possibilities for growth and rules - in fact, it rather strengthens them, imo.

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 2/10/2014 8:03:41 AM

Spiritedsub2

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This is a great answer; I too was puzzled by RedMagic's post that you quoted when I read it a few days ago. D/s and bdsm for me are the way I get sexual and emotional needs met, not a tool for personal growth. And domestic service - god forbid.
Life affords me all the tools for personal growth I can handle. This is for pleasure.

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RE: Ignoring a sub/slave - 2/10/2014 9:03:54 AM

shiftyw

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

This is a great answer; I too was puzzled by RedMagic's post that you quoted when I read it a few days ago. D/s and bdsm for me are the way I get sexual and emotional needs met, not a tool for personal growth. And domestic service - god forbid.
Life affords me all the tools for personal growth I can handle. This is for pleasure.

^^ ditto

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Post #: 60