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Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 4:06:24 PM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline 		With the question I asked in the topic, I'm not talking about help around the house or help with your personal needs.....after all....isn't that why you have subs and slaves?

I'm talking about help with life's more intense bumps in the road. Some background.....

I was in a vanilla relationship from 2000 to 2010. About 7-8 years into it we started to talk about getting married. I wasn't in a big rush to get married. I was happy where we were, but I did want things to be "legal" at some point down the road. We both decided we didn't need to do it right then, but it's what we both wanted later on.

Well...fast forward into year 9 and the company he was working for got into serious financial issues and it was only a matter of time before they were going to fold and he was going to lose his job. He started to put his resume out as soon as the rumors of closing started. But what I was worried about most was that he was going to lose his medical benefits. He had a few chronic conditions and took several prescriptions.

So when he first told me about the liklihood of losing his job, I immediately said "Well....we've talked about getting married, and I know we weren't planning on doing it for a couple more years, but you know, if we get married, at least I will be able to put you on my medical and dental coverage....and it will only cost me an extra $70 a month.

Without missing a beat he said "Oh I'm sure I'll be ok. My prescriptions are 3 months supplies and I'm sure I'll find another job before I need to get them again." I didn't say a word....

About 4 months later, he was finally going to lose his job and he hadn't found a new one yet. So again I mentioned to him that if we got married now, at least he wouldn't have to worry about having medical benefits. Without missing a beat he said "Oh....that's ok honey....I can get COBRA".

All I could think was "He's going to be on unemployment and he would rather pay for COBRA insurance than marry the woman who's been living with him for 9 years? The woman he said he WANTED to marry?

(Sorry about all that rambling...but it's that situation that makes me ask this question)

I was talking to a couple of friends about it and when I asked them what they thought and why they thought he would do something like that....they said "Maybe being on your insurance would make him feel like less of a man. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of his wife/girlfriend providing something for him that he really thinks he should be able to do for himself" I don't know that I buy that.

So THAT is what I am asking you all about. Would you, as the Dominant partner in the relationship, have a problem with your sub or slave providing that kind of support to you? If you kept you financial matters apart from each other....would you have a problem asking her to lend you money?

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 4:28:38 PM   
LeatherBentOne51


Posts: 89
Joined: 12/28/2012
Status: offline 		I would never ask my sub to borrow money. It would leave a poor taste in my mouth if me as a Dominant couldn't handle my own finances without trying to tap into hers.

(in reply to smileforme50)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 4:33:56 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		First, why would you assume the only reason to have a sub is so they can wash the dishes. Shouldn't a dominant be able to keep his/her own place clean?

Everything LBO said about money could be applied to that as well. As an adult shouldn't he/she be able to do their own laundry, feed themselves etc?

It may well be that your ex felt impotent being out of work, and then needing to rely on you for financial assistance. More important than whether he really did or didn't want to marry you, to my mind, is why he couldn't share how he felt with you.

Financially we've both gone up and down in the ten plus years we've been together. So sometimes he buys all the groceries and sometimes I do. But we view ourselves as a team, working together for the good of the relationship.

Does it bother him when he needs to depend on me, hell yes. He would rather it was always the other way around. Unfortunately life doesn't always work out to our satisfaction.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 1/31/2014 4:35:07 PM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to LeatherBentOne51)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 4:39:16 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		It's not the finances.

He's been living with you for years and didn't want to get married. You keep pointing out the logical reasons he should. But he had some reason, and it may have been emotional, not logical.

May be he had been skinned or knew a man who had been skinned in a divorce settlement. Maybe he was afraid that, after marriage, you'd change into someone else.

There was a reason, and it wasn't rational, and he didn't share it with you.



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 4:45:16 PM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

First, why would you assume the only reason to have a sub is so they can wash the dishes. Shouldn't a dominant be able to keep his/her own place clean?

Everything LBO said about money could be applied to that as well. As an adult shouldn't he/she be able to do their own laundry, feed themselves etc?

It may well be that your ex felt impotent being out of work, and then needing to rely on you for financial assistance. More important than whether he really did or didn't want to marry you, to my mind, is why he couldn't share how he felt with you.

Financially we've both gone up and down in the ten plus years we've been together. So sometimes he buys all the groceries and sometimes I do. But we view ourselves as a team, working together for the good of the relationship.

Does it bother him when he needs to depend on me, hell yes. He would rather it was always the other way around. Unfortunately life doesn't always work out to our satisfaction.


"Viewing ourselves as a team"....and THAT is exactly what I was thinking when I suggested that we get married sooner and not later....and the reason I was a bit shocked and hurt when he said (basically) "No....I don't need your help".

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 4:53:14 PM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

It's not the finances.

He's been living with you for years and didn't want to get married. You keep pointing out the logical reasons he should. But he had some reason, and it may have been emotional, not logical.

May be he had been skinned or knew a man who had been skinned in a divorce settlement. Maybe he was afraid that, after marriage, you'd change into someone else.

There was a reason, and it wasn't rational, and he didn't share it with you.




Yeah....Like I said when my friends suggested that he didn't like the idea of his girlfriend supporting him "I'm not sure I buy that"

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 5:00:57 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I actually believe it is a possibility that he doesn't want to marry you because he has to, but wants it to be clear that it is because he wants to with no financial strings attached.

It could be a headspace thing: marrying you because he is unable to provide a basic need for himself may seem too much like he is somehow using you.
It doesn't matter that you don't see it that way.
He may or may be afraid other people could view it that way.



_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to smileforme50)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 5:34:51 PM   
Rawni


Posts: 1175
Status: offline 		I agree with the other posters, but... knowing what I know can happen in life, you often have to make a wise move whether it is comfortable or not. You have to evaluate the economic situation, medical aspects and if he is taking three month supplies of medication(S) there is an issue of some sort and then you have to weigh everything out reasonably.

If you wait too long to take action, you could be setting yourself and partner up for a huge fall. For example: My ex wouldn't go to get medical help when I was un-insurable and pride carried us for about three months and then... and then... my medical situation caused us to lose everything. Had he done it when I needed it, we would have saved our house, car, etc.

When living together, what we do effects the other, therefore choices can't always be about one of us, the dom or how we feel. We must consider very important things and financial ruin is an important thing. That is when we need to step up and do what is uncomfortable sometimes and do the right thing.

Now... pushing a marriage could the wrong way. He is a long term partner and you may be able to get him on your insurance anyway. I would check into that. It would be a bad thing for either of you to say or think or spread around, that insurance was the only reason you got married.

It isn't an easy situation to be in, but you must step carefully and stop telling your friends and focus on asking him.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 5:54:24 PM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline 		Let me clarify something for everyone......The situation I described is with a now EX. As I mention in the beginning of the post, we were together from 2000 to 2010.

I guess I'm just asking because I want to know if his reaction is very common and if I ever find myself in a similar situation again....can I expect the same type of reaction from most other men?

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to Rawni)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 6:02:27 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		We're married and have been together for 14 years and have known each other for 17 years, so he doesn't have any problems asking for help. In fact, because of my linear logic skills he likes to utilize that skill for problem solving.

As for the rest, I make more than he does. I'm fine with that and he's fine with that, in fact he brags on how proud he is of me. He loves that he has a successful, strong woman as his submissive. (And to be honest, I think he's amazing too)

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 1/31/2014 6:03:27 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to smileforme50)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 6:12:40 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

Let me clarify something for everyone......The situation I described is with a now EX. As I mention in the beginning of the post, we were together from 2000 to 2010.

I guess I'm just asking because I want to know if his reaction is very common and if I ever find myself in a similar situation again....can I expect the same type of reaction from most other men?


Do you mind my asking a general question:
Was his refusal to marry you then what broke you up?


_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to smileforme50)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 6:39:52 PM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline 		Oh hell, I've had men refuse My offer to tow their car out of a ditch with My truck during a snowstorm. They'd rather wait in the snow for an expensive tow truck (and risk the tow truck reporting it, thereby raising their insurance rates)
I've also had men refuse My offer to jump start their stalled vehicle ("I ain't askin' for no help from no pretty woman, thanks but no thanks darlin' ")

Whatever buddy, stay here in the pouring rain/snow for all I care.

They don't all refuse help. I've had some thank Me meekly after I "rescued" them...once in awhile a guy will grin from ear to ear like a love-struck schoolboy.



quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

Let me clarify something for everyone......The situation I described is with a now EX. As I mention in the beginning of the post, we were together from 2000 to 2010.

I guess I'm just asking because I want to know if his reaction is very common and if I ever find myself in a similar situation again....can I expect the same type of reaction from most other men?


(in reply to smileforme50)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 6:44:13 PM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ


quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

Let me clarify something for everyone......The situation I described is with a now EX. As I mention in the beginning of the post, we were together from 2000 to 2010.

I guess I'm just asking because I want to know if his reaction is very common and if I ever find myself in a similar situation again....can I expect the same type of reaction from most other men?


Do you mind my asking a general question:
Was his refusal to marry you then what broke you up?



Mostly the reason I finally gave up was because his employment situation stressed him out so much and no matter how much I tried to be supportive of him, he just pushed me away. I think his refusal to marry me was just the start of something that got steadily worse. I wanted to marry him because I loved him. I was concerned about his health issues and I knew that not having insurance would make things even worse for him, and I didn't want that to happen. But he didn't want my help. And that's what seemed to happen every time I tried to do something I thought would help him....he didn't want my help.

For the whole 10 years we were together, he NEVER EVER raised a hand to me or hurt me in any way. But over the last 4-5 months he had punched a hole in a wall and kicked holes in 2 doors. It broke my heart to see him so stressed and miserable, but I couldn't stand being pushed away and then feel so helpless and be forced to just watch him be so stressed and miserable. It broke my heart to leave but I didn't know what else to do.

He was very angry when I finally left (or so some mutual friends tell me). But about a year and a half later, he contacted me to let me know that he needed to put one his dogs to sleep and he wanted to know if I wanted to come by his house to see the dog once more. THAT had to be another one of the most heartbreaking days of my life....seeing him.....being in that house that we shared for 10 years, and being there with him as he lost a dog he loved very much (and so did I)

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 7:27:35 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		The monetary and pride issues may not be why he refused.

If this were a TV show, and the girl was the one losing her insurance, and the guy said "Hey!, I know what, I can marry you and that way you won't have to worry about insurance", she would reject the offer of marriage.

and I wouldn't blame her.

Because the marriage proposal you describe is the least romantic thing I have ever heard.

I don't think you were being kind or considerate with your marriage offer. I find it slightly depressing.

If you (or anyone else) are in this situation, and decided you truly want to marry your partner and have to do it quickly for this or other similar reasons then my advice is simple:

1) Ask them to marry you in the most romantic way possible.
2) Don't reference the financial or other issues. No one wants to think they got married for any thing except true love. Those other reasons are perks and bonuses, not the reason why you get married.
3

(in reply to smileforme50)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 7:53:24 PM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline 		I understand what you're saying....and I thought about that. But as I said before, this was something we had discussed in the past....and while we had a lot of romance in our relationship, neither one of us looked at marriage like some kind of Cinderella fantasy. When we talked about the idea of getting married in the future, we both agreed that it was something we wanted to do in the future for practical reasons. We weren't having any kids, and we didn't need a marriage license to add romance. Plus, I told him many, many times over that if I ever get married I'm not having some big "foo-foo" wedding. It's going to be very simple.....Him, me, a couple of witnesses and the Justice of the Peace. Heck....I told him that I wasn't even looking for an engagement ring...that's not something I need.

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 7:57:53 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

The monetary and pride issues may not be why he refused.

If this were a TV show, and the girl was the one losing her insurance, and the guy said "Hey!, I know what, I can marry you and that way you won't have to worry about insurance", she would reject the offer of marriage.

and I wouldn't blame her.

Because the marriage proposal you describe is the least romantic thing I have ever heard.



S and I go round and round with this every few years. It is the antithesis of romance. If married, my share to be on his insurance would be $70 instead of the $400 I pay now with my own. Every time he offers, I reconsider, and it always ends up the same: I don't want to be legally married to S or anybody. It is worth $330 a month for me to maintain my legal and financial independence. Oh, I love and trust him implicitly. That's not the issue: simplicity is.

To me, legal marriage would complicate things and morally require me to conduct myself differently than I do. I like the way things are now, so I don't change it. Sound familiar?

(in reply to StrongSpirit)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 8:14:26 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		there has been a time or two in our relationship together where we had to ask each other for help with just life things in general. Neither of us have a problem with it.

As Master always says "This relationship isn't a me or you. It's a WE". So no, he's not too stubborn to reach out when he has to or I will make sure he knows it's there if he needs it. And he does the same with me.





_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to smileforme50)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 8:17:16 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

"Viewing ourselves as a team"....and THAT is exactly what I was thinking when I suggested that we get married sooner and not later....and the reason I was a bit shocked and hurt when he said (basically) "No....I don't need your help".


You don't have to be married to see yourselves as a team. Master and I are not married but we are definitely a team and as DesFip said, we work towards the greater good.

He doesn't want your help because he's simply a typical stubborn headed man whose masculinity feels in jeopardy if he takes from you because a man is supposed to take care of his woman. For some men, it can take a real need and a real commitment to the relationship for him to overcome. He's scared..of being out of work AND having to rely on his woman which to him is wrong.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 1/31/2014 8:19:29 PM >

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to smileforme50)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 8:18:56 PM   
Rawni


Posts: 1175
Status: offline 		There is nothing wrong in my book in having a marriage that makes sense. It's been done for as long as humans have married. Arranged marriages, not always bad. Marriages of convenience... not always bad. As long as we know what we are getting into and are okay with that... no problem.

Romance and love doesn't always start in a marriage and may be best in the minds of most, but many started without either and ended there.

However, I would pose a smart marriage with all the reasons it is smart and if I were posing it as a solution, it would include all else that makes it a good move.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 1/31/2014 8:24:44 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

To me, legal marriage would complicate things and morally require me to conduct myself differently than I do. I like the way things are now, so I don't change it. Sound familiar?



I guess I'm confused. How does marriage complicate thing and morally require yourself to act differently than you do now? You don't have to answer if it's too personal. I just find this very confusing. I've been married and I don't think I acted any differently and life was actually easier being married. Now once I had a child, THAT changed how I acted.



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 20
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