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Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 4:50:23 AM

RuralJuror

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Joined: 1/19/2014
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Question for findoms and those who like to be findominated(that can't be an actual phrase people use, right?) As a psych major, I can understand the appeal of humilation, pain etc. but I just can't seem to understand why someone would want a fin dom. Fin doms, sure you get a lot of new shit, but is there anything more you get out of it? Power? Regardless I can some what see why someone would get into being a fin dom. I guess the real question is for the people who seek out fin doms. What do YOU gain? Really, why not just choose to be dominated in other aspects I guess is the question. I once heard a story about some guy who lost his life savings at a Casino and proceeded to have the best orgasm of his life. Am I close? That seems like an extreme case though so that seems unlikely. Very interested to read the responses.

Note: not trying to be disrespectful with this post. I'm genuinely curious.

Post #: 1

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 5:04:50 AM

MissKittyDeVine

Posts: 1054
Joined: 9/24/2011
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It's the same as with any other form of submission: because the sub gets something out of it. Not everyone is into pain or humiliation.

Turning what you say around raises an interesting question. Why do some people within the lifestyle have no issues with person A physically hurting person B, yet object vociferously if person B wants to give person A money? Why does money have so much significance?

_____________________________

Sanity is overrated. Live la vida loca

(in reply to RuralJuror)

Post #: 2

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 5:06:03 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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Come on psych major

You must be able to come up with some reasons.

The link between money and power is pretty well established culturally, so I'm sure you can understand why people on both sides of the equation feel the power exchange quite strongly when it's expressed through the giving or receiving of money. There are some (outdated) cultural expectations of the man as the breadwinner and the one who was in charge of household spending, so to be relieved of their cash (either through small scale tribute, or a full relationship in which she has all the financial control) could feel liberating, humiliating, subversive, emasculating or exciting, depending on your temperament.

But also, to be realistic, a lot of people who seek out findommes are not turned on by the exchange of the money in and of itself - rather it is worthwhile to them to pay for the attention/domination. This might be because they can't find someone to indulge their fetish, or don't want to put the time into building intimate relationships, or are already married so just need to get their thrills when they can. Findommes are greater in numbers than traditional pro dominants and often allow for cheaper, smaller interactions like online/phone play, meaning some guys will seek them out to fill that gap even if giving money isn't their kink.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to RuralJuror)

Post #: 3

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 5:21:33 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RuralJuror

Question for findoms and those who like to be findominated(that can't be an actual phrase people use, right?) As a psych major, I can understand the appeal of humilation, pain etc. but I just can't seem to understand why someone would want a fin dom. Fin doms, sure you get a lot of new shit, but is there anything more you get out of it? Power? Regardless I can some what see why someone would get into being a fin dom. I guess the real question is for the people who seek out fin doms. What do YOU gain? Really, why not just choose to be dominated in other aspects I guess is the question. I once heard a story about some guy who lost his life savings at a Casino and proceeded to have the best orgasm of his life. Am I close? That seems like an extreme case though so that seems unlikely. Very interested to read the responses.

Note: not trying to be disrespectful with this post. I'm genuinely curious.

Lots of good reading material here.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_4224292/mpage_1/tm.htm

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to RuralJuror)

Post #: 4

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 6:02:43 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
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FR

I think you need to define what you consider "findomme", OP. There are rinsers, there are those who control all finances, there are those who accept tributes for pictures/cam time, etc. They all fall under that category.

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 5

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 6:49:09 AM

Snitch

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Joined: 1/27/2013
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A Findomme, by definition in most US states, is a prostitute (specifically if there is money exchanged explicitly for sexually purposed touching of buttocks, breasts, or genitalia).

Given that clear legal definition, you may as well ask the same question of the local prostitutes in almost every mile of every town in the US.

It's pretty clear what they get out of it. But I'll let you figure that out.

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 6

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 7:16:24 AM

searching4mysir

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Joined: 6/16/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Snitch

A Findomme, by definition in most US states, is a prostitute (specifically if there is money exchanged explicitly for sexually purposed touching of buttocks, breasts, or genitalia).

Given that clear legal definition, you may as well ask the same question of the local prostitutes in almost every mile of every town in the US.

It's pretty clear what they get out of it. But I'll let you figure that out.

In most cases, there is no sexual touching by the findomme. Often, they are never in the same room as their subs/slaves. Therefore it does NOT fall under prostitution.

I'm neither a finsub nor a findomme, so don't have a horse in the race, but prefer truths to fiction.

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM

(in reply to Snitch)

Post #: 7

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 7:28:02 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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A psych major doesn't understand that money is power? Maybe you need to change your major.

So by handing over money, you hand over your power. It really is that simple.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 8

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 7:55:48 AM

GoddessManko

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From: Dante's Inferno
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I just wanted to reply to RedMagic1 because he's one of my favorite blog inhabitants. :)
I agree with him, that thread is informative, but also I would also have you do a bit more research into Dommes as individual vs anything categorical. :)
I have seen some very thoroughly feminist and sophisticated findommes who I actually do admire. (And yes, they are fans of Helen Mirren)
Thank you to the CM members who linked me to their sites through email. These are girls I would love to take on a shopping trip, just being honest here. :)
Also I think a Domme in general is someone who really enjoys having power in her life in any form. Any beautiful young girl has the option of being a trophy wife. It all depends on what your life means to you. :)

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 9

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 8:33:17 AM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

Okay... call it a brain fart I'm having... but I just can't put feminist and findom in the same category. Can't see it... just cannot.

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 10

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 8:42:46 AM

TNDommeK

Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
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Agree with RedMagic. That thread is a great piece. You gotta get past all the bullshit in it, but it's enlightening to some.
Well, to those open minded enough to want to learn. Hell there's still idiots who think FD is prostitution.

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Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell

(in reply to Rawni)

Post #: 11

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 9:09:42 AM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

Also I think a Domme in general is someone who really enjoys having power in her life in any form. Any beautiful young girl has the option of being a trophy wife. It all depends on what your life means to you. :)

But is a trophy wife truly a Dominant female? (She may have previously been a mistress with a small "m"--NOT the same thing.)

Is a professional woman who sleeps her way to the top of the corporate ladder a Dominant female? Not to be confused with an Alpha female because they are NOT necessarily one and the same.
Think of the Beta akin to a stand-in for the leading lady who often gives a better performance and turns out to be the bigger star.
It isn't always the one who acts like a Prima Donna who rules the roost or is the true power behind the throne.

*True* power comes from within. The rest is a façade. Feminists seek to possess authentic power, and so should a Mistress with a big "M, not the crumbs that fall from the plates of needy, groveling men. In the grand scheme of things, what are measly tributes and paltry tokens of conquest? What price honor?

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 12

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 9:22:38 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Early experiences in life often create a sexual blueprint or fetish.

I don't dabble in exploitation fantasies, but the subs that I've observed who honestly have a fetish for being financially used - or sending gifts to a woman who objectifies, uses him, degrades him - often had experiences with girls at a young age who used them in this way and mocked him for it. The guy in the situation would still fantasize/masturbate about it. It was the only attention he got from her, a woman he desired so much, so he would continue buying gifts or being used, even though he knew it was wrong, just to be in her presence. She'd be demanding and using, and the more she dominated him this way, the more he would get aroused.

This is a very powerful dynamic.

Men who are smart with their money now, as an adult, often seek to recreate this. But in my observations a lot of men can get off on the idea of it or roleplay of it without actually shelling out the cash or gifts. Hell, just reading those profiles get them off. Or a short interaction where they do not end up buying anything.

A man who is truly willing and eager to hand over gifts and cash has to be emotionally and psychologically stimulated by the "findom" and this takes skill.

Akasha

_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to RuralJuror)

Post #: 13

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 10:46:35 AM

GoddessManko

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From: Dante's Inferno
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A trophy wife is in no way dominant FieryOpal, I simply offered an alternative for the wannabe "Dommes" who love a nice pair of Louboutins that is just a much simpler and profitable. I know plenty of lovelorn millionaires.
And I consider vanilla activities by women to be submissive, including traditional forms of intimacy.
Also "being fucked" on your way to the top is a shortcut. I put it that way because there is SUCH a difference to doing the fucking and being the one being fucked. :)
(Did anyone actually follow that?)
True Dommes and alpha types don't need them, they REVEL in challenge and THRIVE when presented with them. :)
Simply got lost in translation, no harm, no foul. :)

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 2/7/2014 10:49:46 AM >

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 14

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 6:37:17 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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I am a female sub and WAY less likely to hire a pro because it is a bit easier to get my maso.. err.. fixed.
But as I do not currently have a partner, neither am I seeking one, it does give me a choice. I can go out and find some guy to scratch that itch, but I would be taking my chances. Or, if there were more male pro tops out there with a reputation I could check out, you better believe I would be willing to pay.
One, because I am a masochist and sometimes it gets frustrating not having a regular partner I can count on.
Two, pros are more likely to be a known entity I can verify.
Three, there may be some specific activity I am seeking.
Four, NO strings.

Seriously, if more males were up for pro there have been more than a few times I would have paid for it.
I am not into casual encounters with people just to scratch that itch.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RuralJuror

Question for findoms and those who like to be findominated(that can't be an actual phrase people use, right?) As a psych major, I can understand the appeal of humilation, pain etc. but I just can't seem to understand why someone would want a fin dom.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to RuralJuror)

Post #: 15

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 7:18:34 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

A trophy wife is in no way dominant FieryOpal, I simply offered an alternative for the wannabe "Dommes".... I know plenty of lovelorn millionaires.
And I consider vanilla activities by women to be submissive, including traditional forms of intimacy.
Also "being fucked" on your way to the top is a shortcut.
...
Simply got lost in translation, no harm, no foul. :)

Gotcha, wasn't sure where you were coming from initially. Although being an actual trophy wife could be a form of D/s or become one, without any BDSM entering the picture, in either direction (F/m M/f).

Don't see vanilla sex as the woman being submissive, depending on what headspace you're in, not as for the acts themselves nor from the viewpoint of: How many husbands feel frustrated that their wives hold the cards on regulating the frequency and/or granting of intimate sexual relations in their marriages? One of their chief complaints. Ironic some of these husbands are the same ones who seek out a Mistress to take control of their dicks when they have a wife at home who already does.
Everybody gets fucked on their way up, sideways, every which way imaginable. Not consensually either.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 16

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 11:18:34 PM

ThePrincessKali

Posts: 424
Joined: 9/19/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Snitch

A Findomme, by definition in most US states, is a prostitute (specifically if there is money exchanged explicitly for sexually purposed touching of buttocks, breasts, or genitalia).

Given that clear legal definition, you may as well ask the same question of the local prostitutes in almost every mile of every town in the US.

It's pretty clear what they get out of it. But I'll let you figure that out.

I have never had a submissive touch me. In a sexual or non sexual way. It is absolutely not prostitution.

(in reply to Snitch)

Post #: 17

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/7/2014 11:32:05 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

I definitely remember every time I have gotten fucked, rare occasions mind you, haha. But yea, it definitely NEVER happened to me in the professional world. (Shocking but true, I really am a bit of a cunt, self admittedly).
I have no problem staring down the CFO of Guggenheim (need be) and putting him in his place about Keynesian economics.
It's an indulgent life, not being fucked n all but I suppose if I have to be that lone ranger, it needs to be done. (Must it be so indulgent though?)
And since I'm my own boss, fucking myself essentially is a perk anyway. ;)

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 18

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/8/2014 2:52:13 AM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
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The one thing I have often wondered because everyone says there is such a high number of male subs to female Dommes.. Is there a similar dearth of fin Dommes to fin subs?? Just from what I see on here, it appears that...a fin sub would be harder to find, making them more in demand (kind of like the "unicorn"). Granted, they may be less likely to openly state this whereas the Dommes state outright their bent.

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 19

RE: Why are you a findom or why do you seek one? - 2/8/2014 5:18:09 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

I've often wondered about the numbers of findommes vs finsubs, but I don't think we will ever get a clear answer on that because as you say, the subs might be unwilling to admit it where the dommes advertise, and because I doubt any findomme would admit she didn't get many takers - that would shatter the illusion of her being so desirable and superior that people were competing for her attention.

I suspect there are less guys turned on by handing over cash than there are women who are willing to take it. I also suspect at least some of that gap is made up by guys who aren't turned on by handing over cash, but are willing to do it to get other fetishes met.

We could also go into the proportion of self-identified findommes who are genuinely turned on by the exchange as opposed to those doing it to make some pocket money (not that I have a problem with that type either - they meet a certain need). So I guess we'll never really get a clear idea of how those numbers stack up.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 20

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