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What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM Com... - 2/11/2014 2:09:48 PM

MstrPBK

Posts: 573
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline

For 22 years I have sought to have a (male) slave. For 22 years I have always felt I have been real about it. It gets to hard to prove it when no-one wants to meet and find out about me by correspondence or face to face.

I keep coming up against that 'BDSM Glass Ceiling' that says ONLY non-disabled Masters can have slaves. ONLY Non-disabled Masters are real, ONLY non-disabled Masters will be taken seriously by the community. The attitude that being disabled makes the person a 'fake' is simply disrespectful and narrow minded.

Being told to "... take my fake crutch and stick up my fake ass ..." does not help either.

I have been disabled since birth. I cannot change my disability - and I won't hide it. That in itself would be a lie. So what does it take to be called real?

MstrPBK
St. Paul, NN USA

< Message edited by MstrPBK -- 2/11/2014 2:11:38 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/11/2014 2:20:06 PM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

For a number of years, you have been posting here. I can remember very well what I thought when I first started seeing your posts and then payed more attention to them after that.

While disability may play a large part of what is happening in your life... or not happening, that is a legitimate cause and effect situation, but it isn't the only one. Those of us that are disabled will often blame things on that disability and the responses of others to the disability, when we need to be seeing that there is more to the picture and there may be other factors.

You are focusing more on the disability than the big picture, in my opinion.

I found your earlier postings pretty extreme. You called slaves 'its'. You were humiliating, demanding, acted as if you had a position you didn't have and expected those you spoke to, to readily give up all and come to serve you as you dictated. You also fell for the line of guys with a fantasy because of the 'game' of it all and how you presented. Most often, only online players play those extremes.

You might want to look in the mirror, examine where you have been, how you have presented and your expectations and why you have them. It will only be when you can see what others are seeing, that you might figure out... how you're coming off and why you are having problems.

The disability may be part of the issue as it can be for many of us... but in this situation, I feel more than comfortable pointing these other things out because you just haven't sorted it out on your own for all these years.

Good luck.

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 2

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/11/2014 2:25:00 PM

KYsissy

Posts: 781
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline

You are about as real as it gets. You are who you are and make ko bones about it. I dont have any sage advice except keep on being you. I met a friend of my sister. He was born with only big toes and thumbs. Great guy. Yes it took him a long long time to find a woman that didn't see him as disabled, but rather thats just how he is and she loves all of him.

Idiots abound and you will probably run into many more. I would say hang tough but i guess you got that part down.

_____________________________

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
Will Rogers, 1897-1935

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 3

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/11/2014 3:07:24 PM

SweetAnise

Posts: 480
Joined: 8/23/2013
Status: offline

I think it takes time for people to be true to themselves before they can even say they are real in the BDSM Community. I know when I first started coming here I was just coming out of a divorce and I was in no frame of mind to be looking or giving any type of opinions in the forums. I didn't know what the hell I was. As I healed, ripened, and became more into my own...I became much more comfortable with the idea that not everyone will accept me. Only I can accept my true self and so I opened myself up to being rejected, laughed at, hurt, and inspired. Therefore learning to love me and value each interaction as an learning experience. Setting boundaries only to myself. I did this for both my vanilla and BDSM life.

One can only be true to themselves thus the same can be said for being real in the BDSM Community. Who am I to judge them. But I can decide to not prefer them in my life. Should I wish.

_____________________________

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."-Marianne Williamson

(in reply to KYsissy)

Post #: 4

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/11/2014 4:01:20 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrPBK
I keep coming up against that 'BDSM Glass Ceiling' that says ONLY non-disabled Masters can have slaves. ONLY Non-disabled Masters are real, ONLY non-disabled Masters will be taken seriously by the community.

MstrPBK
St. Paul, NN USA

I'm sorry, but in My opinion, you are incorrect.

I could take Myself to darn near any BDSM community that I have been a member of and literally pick out the folks in the room who have been of My acquaintance who have disabilities. There's a very well known gentleman in the Anchorage area who is in a wheelchair who attended the first annual Kinky Camp Out with us when we first moved here. Year before last, we had a gentleman who is an amputee.

Do I think it's harder for a person with a disability to find what they are looking for? Yes, I honestly do. I know we have a lot of threads around here that, every now and again, somebody puts up a poll to ask folks if they would be willing to enter into a relationship with someone with a disability that exists when they first meet them. There are always resounding posts in the affirmative but I don't know how accurate those results are. I'd have to think it's hard to find a partner in vanilla land when there is a disability. I can't imagine that it's any easier in kink land. People can call Me a jerk for that if they'd like, but I just don't think everyone is willing to look past a disability when they are looking for a person to be in their lives.

However, taking Rawni's post into account, I would also be asking if you are sure it's entirely about the disability. It's not just being about being 'able-bodied'. There are other things to take into consideration. If you've been "searching" for twenty-two years, that's an awful long time not to have Mastered anybody, if you have any experience in Mastering anyone at all. Some folks, Myself included, take that M-word pretty seriously and want to know that it's something that you've done before. That you've been the decision maker in a long term relationship and all of the stuff that goes with it. I'm just asking that you take all things into account. If I were an s-type, that's what I'd be doing when choosing someone.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 5

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/11/2014 4:28:28 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

Have to say I agree with the lovely Rawni...having also read your posts through the years on here. Your attitude...to put it frankly...sucks. Tis one thing to call YOUR slave an "it", tis another to see the whole big bunch of submissive people that way...it denigrates them to a "non-person" status and I cannot think there are many who feel too kindly about that.

And since I tend to be an opinionated ass once in awhile, let me also note this...if you tend to think of anyone who is submissive as an "it"...even your own partner...then how exactly do you help them "grow" into what they want to be? Especially if what they want to be is the best submissive any dominant could hope to find when they know there will always be One who thinks of them as a "non-person"?

I also tend to think like Lady Pact regarding disabilities...like it or not, there are many people in vanilla-land who want absolutely nothing to do with someone with a disability. Doesn't make that person right or wrong as we all have the right to choose but many choose not to deal with a person with a disability because of the challenges involved in vanilla life. Now...add in the challenges of a D/s and/or BDSM life and see how choosy some might get. Doesn't mean someone would not want you but again, one of your biggest stumbling factors is your outlook on submission/slavery.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 6

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/11/2014 4:41:15 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

Please correct me if I am wrong:

You want a male slave (and have desired such for the past 22 years).

That suggests to me that you don't actually have any experience in slave ownership.

Not only do you want a slave but you want to build a household.

This is not meant as any kind of insult, but why do you think you could manage a household when you have ZERO real-life experience.
That just does not seem to be reality based, and being reality based is kind of a requirement for being "real".

Also, in your list of disabilities you list things that many people would never connect to disability which does suggest to me that you tend to define yourself by your disabilities.
Your focus is on what you can't do, not what you can do.
You focus on your disabilities rather than your abilities.

It sounds like you have some hard-wired faulty input.
Counseling might help but you would have to be willing to change.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 7

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/11/2014 4:47:36 PM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

I agree with all the comments on here.

Particularly this one -

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant
...Your attitude...to put it frankly...sucks.

^^^^^ This bit, to me, is the absolute crux of it ^^^^^
Nobody likes a person with a shit attitude - not even other asshats.

Work on that.
Respect people.
It ain't rocket science.

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 8

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/11/2014 5:43:51 PM

Domnotlooking

Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline

…When I went to the MasT convention, they had a very well-attended workshop on the issues that disabled kinky people face. I'm sympathetic to your frustration, but the kink world seems a few hundred percent more supportive of disabled people then the vanilla world.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 9

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/11/2014 6:46:46 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I've read your posts in the past also and it always seemed to me that you watch a lot of gay porn and you live in that fantasy world. You also always seem to be a bit jaded and bitter and negative about things. And you don't see yourself in much of a positive light.

All of those things is why you have not found a relationship, not your disability.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Domnotlooking)

Post #: 10

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/11/2014 8:55:47 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

From what I've read of your postings you assume anyone you talk to who is submissive should submit to you immediately, on the first meet.

You aren't willing to develop a friendship, a relationship. You aren't able to inspire anyone to submit to you. And at no point have I ever seen you say anything about what you bring to the relationship that would make anyone want to be with you. You appear to have a chip on your shoulder of a very large size.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 11

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/11/2014 10:54:19 PM

evesgrden

Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
Status: offline

PBK, why would someone want to serve you? Forget the disabilities, what is it about you that makes it wonderful to be with you. So wonderful in fact that highly skilled professionals would want to work for you for free, as well as being your gardener, valet and chief bottle washer, and agree to this before they even know if they'd enjoy having a coffee with you. Just what do you bring to the table? I see a blurry picture of a scruffy guy, rather expressionless. You're pissed off, frustrated, full of resentment at those who are not interested in what you offer and so far I have no idea what it is you have to offer.

Do you have the means to support a harem? You haven't had a successful relationship with one person and now you're telling guys from the get go that they're going to be one of a stable. If they're going to work for you they'll have to give up their own jobs. Do you have the means to support them at a level which approximates what they're used to?

There's nothing in your profile or posts that says you're really interesting and that meeting you might be fun, playing with you might be fun, serving you might be very rewarding.

Why don't you just try to see if there's someone whose company you enjoy. Obviously you're not being overwhelmed by black techies lining up to serve you, so try being a little more realistic about what you want from a relationship and consider what it is that you can offer in a relationship.

_____________________________

What you permit, you promote.

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 12

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/12/2014 4:13:20 AM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

LOL, To summarise what everybody is saying, to be real means that you have to be nicer to all your potential sub. Get to know them as human beings that deserve politeness and respect first and don't be a dom to them UNTIL they have agreed to accept you as one.

I suspect when they say "REAL", they mean that you do not have a realistic view of how such relationships usually work and they feel that you are not living in the real world, by the way you approach them to establish such a relationship.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 2/12/2014 4:14:19 AM >

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 13

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/12/2014 4:28:23 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

FR:

I agree with Rawni, the OP leads with his disability, which is not putting his best foot forward (pardon the pun, or not).

All of us humans have physical or mental or emotional limitations in some way or another. Loving someone is all about accepting them in spite of that. Loving yourself is all about accepting your limitations.

Once you can accept them, you can deal with them and they cease to be the single most important thing about you. The OP hasn't done that personal work, though I hope this thread gives him the incentive to begin.

_____________________________

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 14

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/12/2014 9:21:55 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

First I would like to clear up the 22 year hunt. Have you had a slave in the past 22 years or not?

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 15

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/12/2014 10:59:25 AM

ClassAct2006

Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

What is real? I think you mean attractive really. We all have things the other person might not find sexy - like obesity or a very ugly face or a drug habit or whatever else it might be.
Some people will have so many issues and negatives no one will want them and some are so attractive and nice and just what others want that they have lots of choice.

It was ever thus on this planet.

I certainly agree with the comments above that most subs want someone who likes then as a person and will enhance and improve their life and is kind and caring (but also dom). It is not rocket science. In fast most men want the same in a relationship.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 16

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/12/2014 12:11:51 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

One of the reasons I like this site. People speak their minds. If a bunch of posters who are consistent on here all told me the same thing, I would take a good long hard look at myself. Yes, I surely would.

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to ClassAct2006)

Post #: 17

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/12/2014 12:46:06 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

Looking through your threads to get background about you and the OP, I came across a couple things I would like to ask you about. It is relevant to your search for a slave and being called a fake so I didn't feel it would derail your thread.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I have been accused of being fake far to many times; and I do get tiered of it sometimes." Feb 2013
Then as now, I wonder why you are so concerned about some online BS? Does this affect your self image?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"for the 6,047th time: I live the Master/slave life style not just in the bedroom but in the home and work arena." - Profile

"50 percent of the time you have the slave who wants to see some temperament . . . . . This last time the gentleman said he had experience with other plants but not Hosta (which was going to be worked on). So I gave him as much experience I could during the visit"

"I have had many a slave who has said 'I won't garden"

"The slave would not garden! They said they were no limits and yet they would not garden!"
You mention percentages as if you are experienced and say you live the "Master/slave life style" but, you haven't had a slave in 22 years. How did you manage that? Maybe these apparent contradictions are why people think you are fake?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Slaves will be with me 24/7 doing everything from bedroom activities to professional office type work.......... Programmers, Database Designers, CAD Designers, Animators, Illustrators, Editors/proofreader/scriptwriters." - Profile

"I have been looking for my slave for over 20 years (and I do have some unusual issues)."

"I have 10 different disabilities." - Profile

"Over the last week I have come face to face with one of my deepest and darkest demons related to S&M and other cultural taboo. I need to find someone to talk to inside the community before I talk to my own physician or other professional in the the medical field."

"Hoping to start a company ... some day. Hoping that some of the first employees are slaves (serious)."

"I am a Master who seeks those male slaves who understands what the 'New Millennium' slave has to be in public. "

Dude, are they gonna' pick cotton too? My wife commented in your thread before I met her. She said they aren't gonna do everything for you. What do you offer these corporate and domestic slaves for their labors? All you mention is that you have disabilities. You do not speak of your relationship skills, charming personality or what a great life someone will have with you. Do you think you might have unreasonable expectations and requirements for a slave . . . maybe that is why you haven't found one in so long. Where did you get your expectations from, real exposure to the leather lifestyle or did it come from novels with fictional situations that cannot be reproduced in real life?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I have heard that there are those who have fetishes for disabled persons. "
I thought you would like to know that I have met people with a kink for the disabled. There are people with these fetishes:

Abasiophilia: love of (or sexual attraction to) people who are lame or crippled and/or who use leg braces or other orthopedic appliances
Acrotomophilia: love of (or sexual attraction to) amputation or amputees
Autoabasiophilia: sexual attraction to oneself being lame or crippled
Stigmatophilia: sexual focus on a partner who is tattooed or scarred
Teratophilia: sexual attraction to deformed or monstrous people
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Will you clear some of this up for us?
I mean, have you had partners in the past 22 years or not?
Are you currently living "Master/slave life style" with someone or not?
Is your profile wrong or are your posts to the contrary wrong?

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 2/12/2014 12:52:56 PM >

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 18

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/12/2014 1:40:51 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I don't regard anyone as fake unless they have been deliberately deceitful. That said I would regard someone as deceitful if they stated that they were experienced in BDSM and they had no clue. That would be a lie, ie fallacy.. or fake. Here on CM I see a lot of people with master in the title but none of what they write seems realistic. Being into BDSM does not negate human needs. Even if someone had a desire to be degraded, made less than whole, be treated as a workhorse or an object, they must have a reason to be with the person that makes them feel that way. It can be personality, property, money, sex appeal, charisma or what ever, there must first be a reason to be there. What makes that person a master that someone craves to serve, surely it cannot simply be the title?
Master of what? Master of who? Tell me you have no experience and I may serve you because I have a need for "you". Just a title does not do it.

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 2/12/2014 1:41:21 PM >

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 19

RE: What does it take to be considered REAL in the BDSM... - 2/12/2014 2:18:07 PM

Spiritedsub2

Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline

-fr

With the exception of MasterCaneman (who said it was a typo anyway) I regard anyone who puts Master or Sir in his username as, at the very best, a novice.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 20

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