RE: Can you change a sub?

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RE: Can you change a sub? - 2/21/2014 6:16:14 AM

slavekate80

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To a point, but if one's sub is radically different than what you're looking for, why not find someone who is naturally closer to that ideal and requires less training to get the rest of the way? If you want a bookcase that looks like it's made of wood, it's much easier and less frustrating to start with wooden planks than metal sheets. And a Dom who wanted my personality to be extremely different could train me that way, by assuring me I won't be rejected for following his orders but will lose him if I don't. That will get me to change my behavior quickly as long as I can trust he's telling the truth and not just baiting a trap (like telling me I need to be more decisive just so he can make fun of me and dump me when I do that). But I'd wonder why he didn't drop me and get someone else first who is starting out with more of the desired characteristics so it's easier on everyone, including him.

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RE: Can you change a sub? - 2/21/2014 6:16:19 AM

SlipSlidingAway

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FR~

OP, you are asking if people can be changed to like things of a sexual nature that they did not like before? I'm paraphrasing quite a bit here, after reading your responses, but that's the premise I am basing my reply on.

And the answer seems to be the ever ambiguous: sometimes.

It depends on the person doing the disliking, their level of distaste for the activity in question to begin with, and the way the person who is doing the changing approaches it.

Sometimes, people just don't like something because they have a preconceived notion about it or have had a bad past experience with it. In those instances, with understanding and patience, I think there is a good chance that they could be "changed" to like it.

Sometimes, however, a person really, truly, and deeply despises something. They may tolerate that something for a person they love or want to please (what you are calling being obedient), but "changing" the person to actually like said activity is not nearly as likely in that situation. Sometimes it's impossible.

What you are talking about is not fundamentally changing the submissive, though. You are talking about changing their responses to certain sexually related stimuli.

Just my two cents.

< Message edited by SlipSlidingAway -- 2/21/2014 6:19:49 AM >

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RE: Can you change a sub? - 2/21/2014 6:25:57 AM

chatterbox24

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83

haha! Oh that's funny it goes along with what I was going to post.

This is a very mild example, considering that some people are into a lot heavier stuff then I have ever had experience with or want.
Excuse the graphics, but lets talk about sex.

I hated giving oral sex. THe smell, the taste, the thought, just the entire picture was gross to me. Then I met a dom, I wasn't looking for it, it just happened, the BDSM part. We had great chemistry, over the top. I have an assertive/aggressive type personality, but this guys personality was even more forceful then mine, and he ordered oral sex and since his personality trumped mine I did it. I actually ended up loving it ( with him only) He modified my behavior, and he was able to do that because of chemistry, and I liked he was much stronger in will then me. I had never had a man challenge me to make me perform, and I liked that.
I was inspired to change that behavior, but we both had very different ways of thinking. I even tried to think like him but we cant change who we are, not the ingrained things.
SO even though the chemistry was there, the important things didn't match, and some of my thoughts have changed, but who I am never did. I am still the same person I was before the relationship. There are just some things we are born being, at the core, we just cant change even if we want too.

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RE: Can you change a sub? - 2/21/2014 7:18:10 AM

bighappygoth39

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I haven't read all of the responses, so I apologise in advance if I repeat what other people have said.
Firstly, I'll give my opinion on the whole changing a sub, thing.
I think it all depends if you're actually in a loving, caring relationship with someone, or if it's just someone there to serve you, and you have no deep feelings for. If it's a relationship, then I think if the connection is deep enough, then I think you will both grow over time, both end up trying new things, so in a way you both change your likes and dislikes in the BDSM way. As for changing someone's basic personality, why the hell would you want to do that if you've fell for the person in question? Why would anyone want to change their partners' basic principles, standards and morals? I'm sure it's possible if you find someone that is willing to bend to your will in that way, but I would always feel that their basic personality would be simmering away in the background, and frankly I'd worry that it might cause regret. If the someone in question is just someone you have no feelings for, then I can't really offer any opinion, as I've no experience in a long term thing with someone who just serves me.
Secondly, the limit thing. Personally, I feel that as long as both of you are willing to stretch your limits, then there shouldn't be any issues. Once you've tried something, you should both feel open enough to discuss how it felt and if you did or didn't enjoy it. If the relationship is strong enough there shouldn't be an issue with any limits, and if you do try something one of you really enjoys but the other doesn't, then you should be able to work around it and get through any issues it might bring up. All of the above are my personal opinions, and I hope you feel your questions have been asked.

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RE: Can you change a sub? - 2/21/2014 7:38:03 AM

sexyred1

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I think people can only change if they want to.

Otherwise, it's just acting.

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RE: Can you change a sub? - 2/21/2014 8:28:28 AM

theshytype

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I think people can only change if they want to.

Otherwise, it's just acting.

I agree.

I've made a lot of changes over the years, my own doing.
Another person can inspire change, but I'm the only one that'll decide whether or not I'll proceed.
A person can force me to do something, and I'll continue to do it whether or not I like it. That's not change, that's me just being tolerant.

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RE: Can you change a sub? - 2/22/2014 1:02:08 AM

graceadieu

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quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12
I know *many* submissives who will do whatever their Dom tells them to - that's obedience, but I'm not really talking about obedience. I'm talking about changing whether or not they *like* it.

To clarify - can you change what a sub does or doesn't *like* (not just what they will or won't do). And, if you can change what they *like* how do you go about doing that? Is it simple repetition to accustom them? Is it a combination of obedience and pleasure? Or is it not something you consciously do at all?

I think that obedience can lead to changing what you like.

As far as out of the bedroom stuff goes... If you obey something for a while, you may find that thing to be healthier or better for you, and come to like it for that reason. Or maybe you prefer one thing or another out of habit or because it's what you're used to, and changing your pattern of behavior out of obedience could lead you to changing your habit or getting used to a different thing and enjoying that.

And as far as sexual things go, since that seems to be more your interest - I don't know if you can come to like something you hate. But I know it's possible to come to enjoy something you were indifferent about or a little disliked. I've found that works for me one (or both) of two ways: 1) my partner enjoys something and I enjoy pleasing them and it makes me enjoy that activity, or 2) conditioning - the "meh" activity is done in conjunction with a pleasurable one many times, until you come to associate the pain or whatever with pleasure.

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RE: Can you change a sub? - 2/22/2014 2:43:24 PM

RemoteUser

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quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

So my question is - can you change a sub? And, if so, what is the mechanism or process for achieving that change?

If the answer is no - why is that? And what is your thinking behind it? Do Doms ever feel limited by what their sub is into or can handle?

If we are talking about change through the introduction of something new, then it's a matter of education. Can one teach, and can the other learn? Notice I'm not imposing one or the other on a dominant or submissive figure. It really is that simple, because without providing proper education or having a willingness to learn, you shoot yourself in the foot.

If we are talking about modifying something that already exists, start with the basics. What are you changing should already be established - but why is it there? Is there a trigger, an undefined anxiety, a personal dislike, poor education on the topic at hand... Once you know why, consider whether or not that's something you really want to change; the reason for being the way it is could be a damned good one. If you're going to go ahead and encourage the change, determine how to overcome the reasoning against change, talk with your partner if it doesn't hinder the process, and work at it.

Some submissives are limited, physically and/or mentally (and the same goes for dominants) as to what they can handle. Consider what you need and weigh it against what can't be done - how important is it? If you know yourself and your partner well enough, you should be able to reach a decision without too much turmoil or drama.

I for one do not enforce changes on a girl I take as my own. I measure them, discuss openly, and do what I think is best for the relationship. Sometimes that means I don't get my way. That's life. It happens. If that partner and my relationship to them is more important than my urge, the urge is tucked away because I'm a big boy who thinks with his head, and not with his dick. If someone calls me less of a dominant for that attitude, it's an opinion and they're welcome to it. I'm a man before anything else, including the sex.

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