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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 8:05:54 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rowdy76

In part because of scheduling.. I work full time and go to school. I have at least one thing going 7 days a week. Off work Weds. Thurs, and have lab and class those days. So just jumping in the car and taking a day trip requires scheduling.


So, I have to ask: If you don't have time to meet, why do you think you have time to deal with a submissive?


Yes, if someone local to me was unable to meet for coffee within two weeks, I wrote him off as being too busy to date.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 9:15:58 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		But saying you're only interested in meeting people if you're positive it will lead to sex doesn't make you sound appealing. You meet for coffee half way and see if you like each other in rl. If so, and no chemistry, then you stay friends. And having a friend is always a plus. If there is chemistry, then you schedule another date in another couple of weeks.

Trying to determine if she's worth taking the time to meet, and to know exactly what she's looking for makes it clear you're only in this to get your pipes cleaned. And that's offensive. If that's all you want, then be honest about looking for a casual fuck buddy. Use CL. But figure out what you want and approach people honestly.

Because you cannot guarantee, no matter how long you talk, or how many questions you ask, that this meet will be anything more than half an hour and a cup of coffee.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 10:22:38 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

~FR~

I wouldn't keep talking to somebody for over 2 months without meeting them if they're only 2 hours away.


Hell, in SoCal that's just the Los Angeles area. When I was single I thought nothing of making that drive or meeting half way to meet someone that I thought might be interesting.


Exactly. When I met my husband on this site, he was in Chicago and I was in Western-Iowa. It was about an 8 hour drive and we met within two weeks. After chemistry happened and we hit it off, I ended up making that drive ever other week for 4 months until I moved to IL.

I feel that, until you've met in person, online is just a fantasy, because you're both imagining the person as you picture them, not as they are.





This is so true, and yet, I have had stalkers from offline as well as online so I think for me there has to be the "OK, this guy won't try following me home after meeting" feeling to take the leap. Again, from a woman's perspective. And I like charming submissive men. As long as the charm isn't heavy, needy and desperate.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: How long is too long? - 3/19/2014 2:19:50 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		Rowdy, we've never interacted, yet this is the impression I'm getting from you:

1. You aren't ready for a relationship, not relationship commitment material. You want to be a Dom, but you wouldn't make much of a vanilla boyfriend at this point in your life. At best, you could carve out time for an FWB.
2. You are too pre-occupied with juggling your own schedule to make sufficiently adequate time for somebody else. If you can't make a woman your priority, why should she make you hers?
3. If I were a sub, I would think you were too laid back and ambivalent to trust you to become my Dom.
4. You say you've been accused of being all talk and no action. I concur.

If all or some of the above isn't true, then you need to start giving off different vibes. I for one wouldn't want a man who can't show eagerness and enthusiasm to meet me. That doesn't mean I would agree to do so as soon as he proposes an intro date within two weeks (4-6 weeks if longer distance), but I would expect to feel pursued, or else I would figure he's just not that into me.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Rowdy76)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: How long is too long? - 3/19/2014 3:46:30 AM   
Blueswordsman


Posts: 173
Joined: 10/3/2011
Status: offline 		FWB?

(in reply to FieryOpal)
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RE: How long is too long? - 3/19/2014 3:49:17 AM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline 		Friends With Benefits.

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I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/20/2014 7:58:38 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rowdy76

I apologize I spoke before thinking... I am not walking away, but have hidden my profile and taking a break until I have more time travel. I will simply stick the very small local group instead.


So you're abandoning that poor woman you've been stringing along for two months?

(in reply to Rowdy76)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: How long is too long? - 3/20/2014 8:55:54 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

So you're abandoning that poor woman you've been stringing along for two months?


Desertion and Dereliction of Duty are not admirable qualities in a Dom ... or in any other adult for that matter.

< Message edited by FieryOpal -- 3/20/2014 8:56:28 AM >

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: How long is too long? - 3/20/2014 9:37:39 AM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

So you're abandoning that poor woman you've been stringing along for two months?


Desertion and Dereliction of Duty are not admirable qualities in a Dom ... or in any other adult for that matter.

This precisely. I think this man needs a bit of self evaluating and introspection before dragging someone else into it only to wantonly abandon them.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: How long is too long? - 3/20/2014 11:11:51 AM   
thezeppo


Posts: 441
Joined: 11/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko


quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

So you're abandoning that poor woman you've been stringing along for two months?


Desertion and Dereliction of Duty are not admirable qualities in a Dom ... or in any other adult for that matter.

This precisely. I think this man needs a bit of self evaluating and introspection before dragging someone else into it only to wantonly abandon them.


It is possible he communicates with her via a medium other than cmail guys! If not though then yes, the op should definitely be more considerate before hiding his profile.

FR

I think if you meet someone here and you are getting along then its in your best interest to meet for real sooner rather than later. It's advice that's easier to give than to take I know, but what others have said about not meeting the real person online I think holds true. You could send message after message here and never learn that someone changes their trousers once a fortnight, or listens to Tim Westwood every evening. Its easy to project an image of oneself online, even with the best of intentions, that might not hold true when meeting face to face. I would suggest that is especially true on the other side since it as at least in part a dating website.

(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: How long is too long? - 3/20/2014 11:25:39 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thezeppo

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

So you're abandoning that poor woman you've been stringing along for two months?


Desertion and Dereliction of Duty are not admirable qualities in a Dom ... or in any other adult for that matter.

This precisely. I think this man needs a bit of self evaluating and introspection before dragging someone else into it only to wantonly abandon them.

It is possible he communicates with her via a medium other than cmail guys! If not though then yes, the op should definitely be more considerate before hiding his profile.
FR
I think if you meet someone here and you are getting along then its in your best interest to meet for real sooner rather than later. It's advice that's easier to give than to take I know, but what others have said about not meeting the real person online I think holds true. You could send message after message here and never learn that someone changes their trousers once a fortnight, or listens to Tim Westwood every evening. Its easy to project an image of oneself online, even with the best of intentions, that might not hold true when meeting face to face. I would suggest that is especially true on the other side since it as at least in part a dating website.

kalikshama asked a question we don't know the answer to. OP has yet to demonstrate follow-through, not procrastinating, but no doubt he has given this woman his personal e-mail address to continue their correspondence.

And yes, as has been said time and time again, on line isn't real--only meeting IRT is real. Even then, you never know who you might be dealing with. You could end up married to a phony Rockefeller heir like that lady executive did who supported her husband for many years, or to a bigamist.


_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to thezeppo)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: How long is too long? - 3/22/2014 6:57:42 AM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline 		~FR

For me it varies all over the place and depends on a lot of different things. The "chemistry" online is different for each person I meet. Plus distance is a factor as well. If we are a significant distance apart, then HE is the one who will need to do most of the travel. It really is case-by-case thing for me. There are some Doms that I met after talking for just 3 or 4 weeks.....and some that I chatted with online for 6 or 7 months before we met. Heck....oone of the first people I met on CM back in 2010.....I didn't meet in person for almost 2 years, and the wild thing is that he lives less than 20 miles from me. We never became "Dom/sub" but we have played a bit, and we are good friends. I can also say that he is my one and only "drinking buddy". I drink VERY VERY little alcohol for the most part....but he is the one person I have met online that I have gotten drunk with...LOL

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: How long is too long? - 3/22/2014 7:30:44 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rowdy76

I apologize I spoke before thinking... I am not walking away, but have hidden my profile and taking a break until I have more time travel. I will simply stick the very small local group instead.


Fair play for coming back.

Now, c'mon! It's a two hour drive! Leave at 5pm, date for two hours (and eat while you're dating) and you'll be back by 11.

Do it man.


_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Rowdy76)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: How long is too long? - 3/22/2014 7:52:30 AM   
subbibear


Posts: 46
Joined: 3/2/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rowdy76

Am I being overly cautious in wanting to make sure I know exactly what a sub/slave is looking for and wants to get out of a relationship?


I can't tell you what is right or wrong for you. I can tell you what works for me. I am pretty assertive when it comes to letting Dom/mes know who I am, what kind of baggage I am carrying, where are my hard and soft limits, how I view submission, what a D/s dynamic is like with me participating and what kind of goals and expectations I have for the future of the relationship. I expect the same openness from the Dom/me. I generally see that process as taking maybe a few email or chat exchanges.

Once we have done that, I pretty much expect to meet in the flesh within two weeks if they are within driving distance, and within a month or so if one of us is going to have make a flight reservation.

(in reply to Rowdy76)
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RE: How long is too long? - 3/23/2014 4:17:46 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rowdy76
Am I being overly cautious in wanting to make sure I know exactly what a sub/slave is looking for and wants to get out of a relationship?


Yes. Theoretically, I don't like A, B, and C. But I surely would do them for the man I loved. I remember realizing that I was in love with a man when I offered to convert to his religion - something I NEVER thought I"d do. (Ah, the power of love - it's a curious thing!)

Theoretical desires can be oh so different than actual flesh and blood desires. We don't often know we want something until in the presence of someone who taps into that desire.

Good luck,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Rowdy76)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: How long is too long? - 3/23/2014 4:45:33 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

kalikshama asked a question we don't know the answer to. OP has yet to demonstrate follow-through, not procrastinating, but no doubt he has given this woman his personal e-mail address to continue their correspondence.


You two are focusing on "hidden my profile" while I am looking at "taking a break until I have more time travel. I will simply stick the very small local group instead" - the woman with whom he has been speaking for two months is not local.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rowdy76

I am not walking away, but have hidden my profile and taking a break until I have more time travel. I will simply stick the very small local group instead.

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: How long is too long? - 3/23/2014 4:54:23 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

kalikshama asked a question we don't know the answer to. OP has yet to demonstrate follow-through, not procrastinating, but no doubt he has given this woman his personal e-mail address to continue their correspondence.


You two are focusing on "hidden my profile" while I am looking at "taking a break until I have more time travel. I will simply stick the very small local group instead" - the woman with whom he has been speaking for two months is not local.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rowdy76

I am not walking away, but have hidden my profile and taking a break until I have more time travel. I will simply stick the very small local group instead.



Sure, but if he has time travel it won't matter. He can just wait six months then go back in time and meet the woman yesterday. Everybody wins.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: How long is too long? - 3/23/2014 5:37:30 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		FR,

Giving the OP the benefit of the doubt, I wonder if some men deliberately chose women who are not local because consciously or not, they have no intention of meeting and the distance is a built in excuse to have an online dynamic without of the messy real life interactions.

When I was in FL and again after I moved back to MA, I was emailed by a very attractive man in Rochester NY. As there are 1 million people in his MSA and almost 20 million people in his state, I found it odd that he was looking so far away.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: How long is too long? - 3/23/2014 5:54:25 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

You two are focusing on "hidden my profile" while I am looking at "taking a break until I have more time travel. I will simply stick the very small local group instead" - the woman with whom he has been speaking for two months is not local.


It is the combination of both. He is 'taking a break' from any on-line women he's been stringing along to date. The convenience factor. He's decided to limit his scope to someone who can fit into and work around HIS schedule so he doesn't have to make any extra effort. If I am off base and being too harsh, then that's my bad, but this is what I'm reading between the lines.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rowdy76

I am not walking away, but have hidden my profile and taking a break until I have more time travel. I will simply stick the very small local group instead.

Sure, but if he has time travel it won't matter. He can just wait six months then go back in time and meet the woman yesterday. Everybody wins.

Good catch! Sharp as a tack, aren't cha?

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: How long is too long? - 3/23/2014 3:15:32 PM   
frunandsins


Posts: 81
Joined: 10/7/2012
Status: offline 		Let me also put in another perspective here: worry less about what others might think of you. Be who you are and do what feels right for you, provided your actions are thoughtful, empathetic, and not originating from a desire to hurt (bedroom sadism aside). There are as many different types of Doms/Dommes are there are car models. Not everyone will want to drive an SUV, and not everyone will want a minivan. But there are those who will. In the initial stages of contact, we want to put our best features forward, but remember to remain true to yourself. Those subs who do think you are taking too long to close a deal, well, those are not compatible with you, aren't they?

Lots of people seem to think that the end result of dating is a permanent long-term-relationship. It's not. The end result of dating is for the two of you to figure out if you are compatible as romantic/sex/both partners. A negative result, i.e., "no, we are not compatible," is still a result. Sometimes, a more valuable result.

It is also important to remember that when negotiations end with a negative result, it doesn't mean that either party is inferior, insufficient, or defective. It just means the two of you are not compatible.

So put what you can offer out there, and be honest about those limitations. Then sift through the pools to find ones who match your needs and your limits (time, distance, level of commitment).

That said, I do also concur that if your schedule is so busy that even with advanced planning, you cannot block off 5 hrs to meet someone who seems to click well with you, then you probably are just too busy to have a relationship, bdsm or otherwise. It sucks that life gets in the way, but school has an end point and your schedule will change once your dissertation is done.

Best of luck.


Edited to say: The title of this thread promises something other than what is in the thread!!

< Message edited by frunandsins -- 3/23/2014 3:16:42 PM >

_____________________________

To each, their own kinks, and may they suffer beautifully.

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 60
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