njlauren
Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
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Cobalt-
Taking you at face value, that you are genuine, here are my thoughts. As far as not knowing what you were, that is quite common, the stereotype of the little boy who knew he was a girl, always played with dolls, ran away from home and transitioned, while real, is not the only story. Some people go through life into middle age without knowing, some think they are crossdressers, others are seemingly normal men who bury deep down what they are (in technical parlance, they are often called type 1 and type II trans folks), so that part is not uncommon, and you are only in your 20's.
You need to take a deep breath, you are getting way ahead of yourself. It is quite common when you start getting an inkling of what you are to have the floodgates open, you suddenly see something and wow it is all talk of hormones, transition and so forth..and you aren't there yet, not by a long shot. It is a process, and it takes time, and you have that, finding this young in many ways is easier, before you have established careers and family and so forth......
It is a step by step thing, to make sure you know what you want/need, and it is often not that clear. People suggested counseling, and while therapy may be difficult, some therapist offer a sliding scale fee structure, and often LGBT centers offer counseling and support groups, and they are usually free or nominal charge and I highly recommend you check them out (I put a few of the links in your neck of the woods). Support groups are amazing places, and can help a lot to find what you are. A sissy sub is a bit different than someone who wants to fully transition and sees themselves as a women, gender is a very broad spectrum, and you don't really know until you go there. There will be doubts, and it takes exploring to figure out if you want to be a sissy, whatever that entails, whether you want to live as a woman but not get surgery, it all kind of happens as you explore. Maybe you'll find that you want to express your femme side part time, or be something of a gender bender, you don't know until you go there....you can be literally on the cusp of going full time as a woman, and for whatever reasons pull back (that is my story), everyone is different. You can't/shouldn't make decisions overnight, it just doesn't work like that, and in the heat of the moment, it is very easy to make bad decisions.
The net is a wonderful resource, there are a lot of websites out there, semi dating sites like urnotalone.com, tg forum, susans place. One note on the net, there also are a lot of people claiming they know what you are, and will tell you things like "of course, darling, you are a transsexual/transgendered", when that is bullshit..even a therapist doesn't tell you what you are, they help you figure that out, if a therapist ever tells you you are transgender and need to transition, walk the fuck out of the office, they are a quack; therapists help you work through things and decide.
It is important because it isn't easy, there is no other way to put it. You need to learn to accept yourself, because to be honest, it is quite common to sit there and think "how can I be like this? Am I nuts?". Plus you need to accept yourself because there are people who won't accept you, family members, friends, it isn't easy; some people will be wonderful and supportive, others you thought loved and cared for you will turn into Jerry Falwell over night, when they are usually someone far removed from that. Others will struggle to understand or accept it, but can come around, and understand, it isn't exactly an easy thing to comprehend for others. Therapists help with that, their primary job is helping you be happy with your decisions.
It also is expensive. To get rid of the male beard can take many hundreds of hours, depends on your beard density and such, typical is around 400 hours, and electrolysis is going to run you anywhere from 30-75 bucks an hour roughly (hint: find a school of electrology, lot cheaper). Some girls use laser hair removal, while it has come a long way, it still is not permanent the way electro is.
HRT (hormone therapy) can be expensive too, usually you are taking hormones and an androgen blocker, and insurance often will not pay for it (they will if they think it is treatment for a prostate, but with a young person at 20 something, they prob will balk). Some girls get hormones without a script by buying on the internet internationally, but that is playing russian roulette, you don't know what you are getting....and more importantly, hormones are not something to self med with, everyone is different, you need to work with a doctor on that, and please do, you can end up royally fucking yourself if you try self medding, you can end up with pituitary tumors, liver damage, cancer, blood clots, etc (and if you smoke, quit before starting HRT, smoking and hormones is a big risk factor). Put it this way, I was on what they considered a starter dose on HRT< and my endocrinologist wanted to cut me back, because my blood levels were very high......and hormones change you, a lot, we used to say it is what separated the women from the crossdressers, because when you take them it suppresses the sex drive, and someone doing this on a fetish level won't like losing the male drive, ability to get erections or to ejaculate.
And in the end, all the talking in the world won't solve it, it means exploring who you are and seeing where it takes you. Trans gals are often like 14 year old girls, excited by sexy clothing, makeup, getting their ears pierced, body piercings, and that is part of this, more than a few explore sexuality, BD/SM, having sex with men, women as a woman, whatever.....but you need to do it eventually, sitting talking doesn't do it. It means expressing yourself, learning to present as a woman, lot of questioning gals dress for support groups, or go out to safe spots like trans nightclubs, or to sympathetic gay or lesbian venues (if a gay club has a drag show, chances are you will see CD's or t gals there), eventually you may go to support groups, then go out for dinner with gals from the group, or start doing other things.....you may start out scared shitless (I remember being fully dressed for the first time, parked in front of a friendly women's bar in one of the more safe neighborhoods for LGBT people around, scared, literally shaking......2 months later, I was going to movies and such with friends dressed, riding the subway, etc..:).
Don't push it, explore it and take your time. Right now, you are questioning, and that is a good place to start, and eventually you will find what you need, whatever that is. If you are transgendered, then for many the ultimate goal is to transition and live as a woman, and though most will call themselves a transgendered woman, what they really want is to live their life as a woman and be treated as any other woman would (there are those who live differently, who relish being a 'transwoman' or whatever, who are open about it, which is fine, too)...lot of trans girls don't hide their past, but they also don't make a big deal about it, others try to go totally stealth, create a fictitious past, etc......but the key end point isn't a label, it is simply saying 'this is me'
Below are some links to things that may be helpful, groups in the northern Virginia/DC area, some general ones as well.
I wish you luck and good hunting.
http://www.vdh.virginia.gov/epidemiology/diseaseprevention/hotline/transrrlist.pdf
http://www.thedccenter.org/virginia.html
http://www.tgea.net/
www.susans.org
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RE: My True Self - 
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. Just take it step by step...one little step at a time. 
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