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Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 5:37:29 PM   
Sonew2b


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/10/2014
Status: offline 		Please help. Need advice. I met this guy 5 months ago, we hit it off and things were going great. Three months in he tells me he's a Dom. Before this guy I was perfectly happy living my verrrrry vanilla life. I did not even know what that ment..... 2 months later I am astonished at what I've learned. .... about myself. He was patient and just.. I've never experienced that kind of connection with any one ever! So moving along, now I'm his. He's been teaching me a lot of different things. Training was going good. I have been introduced to lots of NEW things and was feeling fairly confident with his "kink" I didn't stumble to much with his play or punishment. Caught up in a moment I failed to address him correctly. .His reaction wasnt overly harsh or anything he back handed me again wasnt overly aggressive just my mouth was open and I started bleeding. I freaked for just a min at the taste of my own blood. I didn't pull away i just froze for a min. He became very angry with me. I explained my reaction I thought it was ok. Sense than his play has been harsh and humiliating. I've read enough to know that it's fairly common. I don't like it but love pleasing him. But he's asked me to do something that I can't manage to get passed. I have tried I don't understand y hes asking it of me. He won't talk to me I've asked him for a little time to get my mind around it. I've asked him if we can come back to it later. Hes so angry with me he's witholding everything from me. I'm sleeping on the floor and I'm afraid he's going to get rid of me. How do I get passed my own humiliation to do this for him? I would greatly appreciate any advice. Thank you.
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 5:42:53 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		what has he asked you to do?

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Sonew2b)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 5:44:20 PM   
ColdBloodedDomme


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/16/2011
Status: offline 		If he's putting you in positions that you don't like and he's getting angry that whatever he's asked seems to be past your limits it seems there's something wrong with him not you if he can't allow you to communicate its going to cause major issues

(in reply to Sonew2b)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 5:49:15 PM   
DangerousCrves


Posts: 29
Joined: 3/20/2014
Status: offline 		Wait wait..this guy backhands you..draws blood because you failed to address him properly???

and now he's angry?

First off any "dom" that gets "angry" because you have failed to do something so fucking minor isn't a "dom"

He's abusive.

Punishment is NEVER done in anger. It may be disappointment, but it's never anger. Anger is a bad bad place to do ANYTHING from.

My advice to you is pack your shit and walk out the door before you start ending up with black eyes and broken arms because you "misbehaved"

No honey this "Play" isn't normal. Rough, degrading and humiliating play is CONSENSUAL. That means you two have discussed it and agreed upon it. This is NOT what Dom's do when you've made a mistake.

< Message edited by DangerousCrves -- 4/10/2014 5:52:28 PM >

(in reply to ColdBloodedDomme)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 6:03:54 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sonew2b
Three months in he tells me he's a Dom.

He may be a kinky fuck, but he's no Dom, and you'll see why.

he back handed me

He became very angry with me.

Sense than his play has been harsh and humiliating.

But he's asked me to do something that I can't manage to get passed.

He won't talk to me I've asked him for a little time to get my mind around it.

Hes so angry with me

he's witholding everything from me.

Do you see a pattern here? I think he is confusing Dominant with Domineering.
You really shouldn't be giving up control to someone who can't control his emotions.





_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Sonew2b)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 6:04:53 PM   
MstrPBK


Posts: 573
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		I am a non-traditional Master (in any number of ways).

What I am reading is that you've found a Master to your liking but have found a moment where you need more time to adapt to what is being asked of you.

My first reaction to your inquiry was have you found an unexpected boundary for yourself.
My second reaction was a good master is willing to help the slave work through issues bit by bit; while at the same time accepting that boundaries may come and a realization of new direction maybe needed in the relationship (from either side [the Master's or the slave's]). A change of relationship is not dishonorable from my view point.

My personal take on this is that 'withholding' is a punishment and does not aide in working through a situation such as this. What your suggesting is that you want to move forward but at a different pace than what is being asked for. As hard as it might be I would suggest that you try to convey to him that you need more time to adapt to what is being asked of you. (Note I have not asked what precisely is the difficulty). If he can not adapt to your pace you may have to consider moving on as a last case scenario.

MstrPBK
St. Paul, MN USA

(in reply to Sonew2b)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 6:05:05 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		FR

This is what I hate, irresponsible doms taking advantage of newbies like you.
Please treat this man like you will treat any vanilla man. If a vanilla man does the same to you, it would be unacceptable. Just because his dom doesn't give him the right to be abusive, physically or emotionally.

If you are not enjoying it, and you brought up the situation to him and he ignores you despite of that and continues doing something that hurts you, that is abusive.

Take care and just because you're his sub doesn't mean you don't deserve respect.

This is also a slippery slope, if you choose to accept his harshness as acceptable, then you better make sure this is your kink and this is what turns you on. Because it's not going to get better judging from your description of his behaviour. There is no right or wrong. It's all about kink compatibility. He may be too extreme for you.



< Message edited by Greta75 -- 4/10/2014 6:08:11 PM >

(in reply to DangerousCrves)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 6:06:27 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		Maybe you don't need to get past anything, except the door as you walk out.

This does not sound like a healthy relationship to me.

_____________________________

yep

(in reply to Sonew2b)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 6:08:52 PM   
Sonew2b


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/10/2014
Status: offline 		He's basically asked me to defecate and sit in it. Just writing it is hard for me. I don't know why he would ask that, he's never been so hard or unwilling to discuss something. My failure to understand the change in him is killing me.

(in reply to ColdBloodedDomme)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 6:15:03 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sonew2b

He's basically asked me to defecate and sit in it. Just writing it is hard for me. I don't know why he would ask that, he's never been so hard or unwilling to discuss something. My failure to understand the change in him is killing me.

Really sorry to hear that. While what his asking you to do does not shock me, because in a kinky world, anything goes.

But you have to realise that because his close himself out to you from any discussion, he is indicating to you that it's his way or no way.

You really need to consider if this is the right dom for you. I know it is difficult as you are already feeling very attached, but as I said, it's down hill from here, his going to make you do more difficult things, you have to be honest with yourself if you can live with other crazy things to come, considering it's only the beginning of this new era of his style of dominance.

I don't think it's hard to understand this change. Some doms make you emotionally attached to him first by being reasonable and gentle first, then turn hardcore to order you to do what he really wants, because once he have conditioned you to the stage where you will have trouble leaving him, he will not negotiate anymore. Sounds like that is exactly his strategy with you.

Time to find strength within yourself to make your own decision.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 4/10/2014 6:17:17 PM >

(in reply to Sonew2b)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 6:16:44 PM   
ColdBloodedDomme


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/16/2011
Status: offline 		The change seems to be him showing his true colors i worry about you truly. Being in a bad D/s relationship is the same as being in a bad vanilla relationship he's showing you red flags left and right its your choice as a person what to do with that information

(in reply to Sonew2b)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 6:20:50 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

OP, sometimes people are able to hide who they truly are for a time and show you exactly what you want to see. Just until you are sufficiently hooked.

Is this what he is doing with you? Only you can answer that question. Communication is a two-way street. If this isn't working for you or it's gone in a direction you don't want it to go...and you can't talk with him because he is being a tantrum-throwing douche bag, do yourself a favor and put some distance between yourself and the situation. At the very least until you two could both gain some perspective.



< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 4/10/2014 6:22:32 PM >

(in reply to Sonew2b)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 7:36:44 PM   
Sonew2b


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/10/2014
Status: offline 		Honestly If this was any regular relationship I would of left at the point of bleeding because he got angry. But when your in it, things get a little blurry especially when i have nothing to compare it to. The busted lip didn't hurt in comparison to the other things he was doing that night. However it was the first thing he did that I didn't enjoy. So I guess redirection is needed. Just not sure where. I have feelings I don't know what to do with. There's the normal ones that I have for him, and when you realize the guy you truly care for isn't what he claimed. But than there's all this other stuff he brought to the surface. ... I don't know where to start, I know I'm no longer who I was before I met him.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 7:47:18 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sonew2b

Honestly If this was any regular relationship I would of left at the point of bleeding because he got angry. <snip>


It's not too late to leave him, and if I were in your shoes, I'd run as far and as fast as I could. He demonstrated many classic behaviors of abusers.

Some people show their true colors a little later than sooner, but 5-6 months is a typical time frame for letting the beast out. Plenty of time to get you good and hooked, but he probably just can't hold it back anymore.

Staying involved sure sounds like a bad idea. Go, go, go!!!

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 4/10/2014 7:48:48 PM >

(in reply to Sonew2b)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 7:48:37 PM   
Sonew2b


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/10/2014
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your time and advice. It was helpful and truly appreciated.

(in reply to Sonew2b)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 7:58:16 PM   
Darkfeather


Posts: 1142
Joined: 3/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sonew2b

Honestly If this was any regular relationship I would of left at the point of bleeding because he got angry. But when your in it, things get a little blurry especially when i have nothing to compare it to. The busted lip didn't hurt in comparison to the other things he was doing that night. However it was the first thing he did that I didn't enjoy. So I guess redirection is needed. Just not sure where. I have feelings I don't know what to do with. There's the normal ones that I have for him, and when you realize the guy you truly care for isn't what he claimed. But than there's all this other stuff he brought to the surface. ... I don't know where to start, I know I'm no longer who I was before I met him.


Speaking as a dominant, there is moderation from both sides. You have just as much right to refuse as he does to tell you to do something. Now as you say, if you refuse, you risk the relationship, but is that worth the risk. Really, it depends on what you want out of it, no one can answer that but you. But if you aren't getting this, then the relationship is not working, no matter how he makes you feel.

(in reply to Sonew2b)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 7:58:46 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		The only person you can really talk with about your relationship is him. Yet it doesn't sound like he wants to listen. I know it might not seem like it, but this IS like any regular relationship. Are you saying it's not okay for Average Joe to split your lip...but it's okay for this guy to do it? Why the difference?

I'm not trying to label your relationship or tell you what you should do. But based on what you have said, there is a huge disconnect that you two rightfully should be able to talk about...especially if it's got you feeling the way you are feeling. Again, I do not know the nature of your dynamic...so Im honestly not judging you or him.

This whole thing is all about communication with each other. If you can't talk to him about what goes on between you two, who honestly can you talk to?

(in reply to Sonew2b)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 8:04:08 PM   
DangerousCrves


Posts: 29
Joined: 3/20/2014
Status: offline 		@OP-

I truly feel for you, sweetheart. My first dom...he was a bastard, but nothing like that. I thought that good submissives SHOULD loan their Dom money..they SHOULD let him use her car all the time, I SHOULD pick up his daughter from school, pay for her lunches, pay for dinner all because he couldn't afford it.

I got so confused in thinking that because he was my Dom that somehow made things different. I didn't realize that underneath everything..it's just a relationship. Titles aside it's no different from a 'nilla one.

Good luck and I think I can speak for all of us..please stay in touch. It's pretty evident we're all worried about you.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 8:07:49 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sonew2b
Honestly If this was any regular relationship I would of left at the point of bleeding because he got angry. But when your in it, things get a little blurry especially when i have nothing to compare it to. The busted lip didn't hurt in comparison to the other things he was doing that night. However it was the first thing he did that I didn't enjoy. So I guess redirection is needed. Just not sure where. I have feelings I don't know what to do with. There's the normal ones that I have for him, and when you realize the guy you truly care for isn't what he claimed. But than there's all this other stuff he brought to the surface. ... I don't know where to start, I know I'm no longer who I was before I met him.

It's normal for someone new into this to be confuse like you feel. Because you trusted him with alot intimate things, and right now, it feels like his trespassing that trust. You do need to take some time away from him to get your bearings right and understand that, not all D/S relationships are like that. It could be, some subs may enjoy what he does. But what is your limit? Do you want them pushed at this pace? So fast so far? Is this what you envision for yourself? Can you be happy with this direction this relationship is going? What is his limit? Will he care? Is he really the best person to care for your welfare in such a dangerous relationship where you need someone who cares about your safety, not just physical but emotional safety?

His not going to change for you, doms seldom do that. So the decision is in your hands, to accept this, or leave him and find someone else more compatible with you.



(in reply to Sonew2b)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Angry Dom. - 4/10/2014 8:58:40 PM   
Sonew2b


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/10/2014
Status: offline 		No I'm saying or trying to, that I would never stand toe to toe with an angry man and allow him to hit me. That night there was a lot going on. In the middle of being spanked hard, and feeling all that I was....its hard to explain but is all kind of fuzzy. I wasnt even aware of the fact that I answered him until I tasted blood. It wasn't his hand across my face that I noticed. It took me a minute to realize he hit me. It was Like I opened my eyes and was looking at a very. Angry guy. The blood freaked me a little but mostly I was confused. The only reason this was anissue is because right here in that moment things changed. He blew off his anger said it was fine. . But after that his play has been degrading and hes distant than he made this request and I'm not allowed in the same room untill I can do that for him. It seems to me its all about that night. ... it's just so hazy. I didn't recognize it as abuse until someone said earlier that it was his anger that made it dangerous, it made me think. The reason its so hard I can't figure out what caused it. He said I didn't answer him correctly. I left off Sir.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
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