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RE: Angry Dom. - 4/11/2014 6:57:46 AM

Sonew2b

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/10/2014
Status: offline

Oh no no he was angry! I was terrified! A couple more bruises and a Knott on my head. I was soooo glad my friend showed up with her husband! But now I'm furious! With basically everythng, him, me, the situation, me, the fact I have no damn idea what I was doing! Am doing! Even the fact that I'm confused is infuriating!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 41

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/11/2014 7:30:04 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Anger can be a useful emotion. Use it now to build your endurance to not go back to him no matter what.

I get being angry with yourself, you made a very bad relationship decision. Yes, you will have to spend some time thinking about that.

But, you know it happens a lot. (I was married to an abuser for over 20 years and had 2 children with him.)

Be thankful he showed his colors sooner as opposed to later and that you got out alive. You took good advice and acted on it promptly. Give yourself some kudos for that.

Bear in mind he's a predator. Yes, you were his willing victim for a bit, but these guys can be good at hiding it. Very good.

Be kind to yourself for now, please. You may have made a bad decision in choosing him, but you made a great one for figuring that out.

_____________________________

(in reply to Sonew2b)

Post #: 42

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/11/2014 7:31:37 AM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline

So glad you got out of there. If he's like many abusers, he might try to manipulate you into coming back by apologizing, promising he'll never do it again and do everything to try and regain your trust but don't believe any of it.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to Sonew2b)

Post #: 43

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/11/2014 7:39:40 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sonew2b

Oh no no he was angry! I was terrified! A couple more bruises and a Knott on my head. I was soooo glad my friend showed up with her husband! But now I'm furious! With basically everythng, him, me, the situation, me, the fact I have no damn idea what I was doing! Am doing! Even the fact that I'm confused is infuriating!

You have the option of filing charges at this point, or getting an RO. Not saying you should, but it's an option.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Sonew2b)

Post #: 44

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/11/2014 8:44:17 AM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sonew2b

Wish I would of read these a few hrs ago. I left. ....... it hurt a lot. I do not know how I was so wrong..... Angry was NOT the word.

Good for you! Please don't kick yourself, OP. This was your first foray into BDSM and you happened to end up with the wrong guy. That IS NOT on you. It's totally on him for being a jerk. Some folks unfortunately use the umbrella of BDSM as a front for being abusive to their partners.

Take time to let yourself feel all of the emotions, stick around and learn more about BDSM, and most of all don't let this asshole ruin BDSM for you if it's something that you really want.

(in reply to Sonew2b)

Post #: 45

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/11/2014 8:52:15 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: InHisHeart

So glad you got out of there. If he's like many abusers, he might try to manipulate you into coming back by apologizing, promising he'll never do it again and do everything to try and regain your trust but don't believe any of it.

Ya, took me 5 or 6 tries to leave a bad relationship because he kept telling me everything I wanted to hear.

OP - if you need to go back to get stuff, take the police. After that, change your phone number.

(in reply to InHisHeart)

Post #: 46

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/11/2014 8:57:54 AM

SexyBlackMan2

Posts: 108
Status: offline

There is so much in your profile that screams red flags.

It is true that you are probably submissive and enjoying that new found aspect. However, a backhand for improperly addressing, asking you to do something you are uncomfortable with but not talking about it, and having general harsh play all seems something you should be very careful about. He has crossed the line to abuse.

(in reply to Sonew2b)

Post #: 47

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/11/2014 9:05:43 AM

MissKittyDeVine

Posts: 1054
Joined: 9/24/2011
Status: offline

Sonew, this concept may seem strange but ... a sub still has the right to say no.

As dominants, we have the responsibility to understand and accept our subs' limits. Pushing those limits is one thing, breaking them is another. We can't tell if your 'dom' has a history of perpetrating abuse under the guise of dominance. It happens. But your limits should be respected. With the defecation issue specifically, he is asking you to do something humiliating and possible detrimental to your health. Some subs thrive on humiliation. It does not seem as though you are one of them.

I rather think that in this case, shit should not happen.

_____________________________

Sanity is overrated. Live la vida loca

(in reply to Sanguinarian)

Post #: 48

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/11/2014 9:23:45 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Sonew2b - in Florida, I was able to check the Clerk of Courts database for my county, where I found that two guys I was talking to had both been arrested for Domestic Violence. I'm now in Massachusetts, where records like this are harder to access. Might want to see what you can get from your county.

(in reply to Sonew2b)

Post #: 49

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/11/2014 11:20:08 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sonew2b

Please help. Need advice. I met this guy 5 months ago, we hit it off and things were going great. Three months in he tells me he's a Dom. Before this guy I was perfectly happy living my verrrrry vanilla life. I did not even know what that ment..... 2 months later I am astonished at what I've learned. .... about myself. He was patient and just.. I've never experienced that kind of connection with any one ever! So moving along, now I'm his. He's been teaching me a lot of different things. Training was going good. I have been introduced to lots of NEW things and was feeling fairly confident with his "kink" I didn't stumble to much with his play or punishment. Caught up in a moment I failed to address him correctly. .His reaction wasnt overly harsh or anything he back handed me again wasnt overly aggressive just my mouth was open and I started bleeding. I freaked for just a min at the taste of my own blood. I didn't pull away i just froze for a min. He became very angry with me. I explained my reaction I thought it was ok. Sense than his play has been harsh and humiliating. I've read enough to know that it's fairly common. I don't like it but love pleasing him. But he's asked me to do something that I can't manage to get passed. I have tried I don't understand y hes asking it of me. He won't talk to me I've asked him for a little time to get my mind around it. I've asked him if we can come back to it later. Hes so angry with me he's witholding everything from me. I'm sleeping on the floor and I'm afraid he's going to get rid of me. How do I get passed my own humiliation to do this for him? I would greatly appreciate any advice. Thank you.

Honestly? It's time for you to get rid of him.

One of the key things that moved my vanilla girl who had never been spanked even as a child to a submissive to a slave is that throughout, I *don't* get angry, I *do* allow for her reaction/recovery time, I *do* consider where she is on this journey (and then make my own decision, sure), and I *don't* do childish things like "withholding everything."

If she's punished, she's told why, it's sane (spanking, not abuse), and when it's over, it's over. Episode closed.

This guy has already decided to get rid of you, and doesn't have the balls to just do it himself.

*PS* -- I wouldn't have taken three months to come around to the dominant discussion. More like a couple weeks. That he waited so long is not a promising sign either.

< Message edited by Musicmystery -- 4/11/2014 11:23:27 AM >

(in reply to Sonew2b)

Post #: 50

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/11/2014 2:18:55 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Ah, good point MM - waiting three months to tell her about this is indeed another red flag.

(in reply to Musicmystery)

Post #: 51

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/11/2014 7:24:46 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

OP,

Please, please, PLEASE file a complaint with the police. You're friends are witnesses you weren't consenting. Yes, restraining orders are really only a piece of paper, but over the long haul, documentgation is everything.

I understand you are angry with yourself for not seeing the warning signs, but remember...abusers are SOOO good at being charming and making you believe they are wonderful. I haven't read your profile, so I don't know how old you are or how much experience you have with men.

BDSM is a new discovery for you. Once you get through this, you may still be interested, you may not. Either choice you make will be the right one for you. Don't, however, turn away from the pleasure you found in BDSM just because this guy was a douchebag. Yes, there are a lot of them, but really, there are far many more who are not.

Perhaps get some help from a therapist to understand what it was about this guy that you went for but in actuality was a bad choice. It can help you do some self assessment to make better choices, whether you continue your kink journey or not.

Oh, and since Chatte has indicated the two of you are geographically close, don't hesitate to accept her advice and help. She can be a really tough cookie, but she is very smart and has a good heart. You can really learn a lot from her.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 52

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/11/2014 7:27:24 PM

stevendevo

Posts: 2
Joined: 4/7/2014
Status: offline

Fucking awesome people. Not being judgmental and allowing this person to reach a decision on their own was so correct. Your respect and insight are to be commended. This life style carries many misunderstanding and it appears to me this woman was completely mislead. Yes, if people have kinks for degradation and humiliation they are free to find those play mates. Finding new expressions and moving into uncharted territory is what I like. It does require candid conversation and consent. That's how it works for me and mine.
So glad to have found this site and truly enjoy reading and seeing most of the cream rise to the top.
Here's to a healthy, happy, kinky time for all. new and old.

_____________________________

Though I am a fan. My desires are inspired by much more than a cute band.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 53

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/12/2014 6:03:01 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

Oh, and since Chatte has indicated the two of you are geographically close, don't hesitate to accept her advice and help. She can be a really tough cookie, but she is very smart and has a good heart. You can really learn a lot from her.

Seconds the recommendation to reach out to Chatte.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 54

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/14/2014 2:08:05 AM

goodsubinCO

Posts: 45
Joined: 4/9/2014
Status: offline

He is NOT a DOM first and foremost.... I had a similar experience, but at least I was aware that the guy was a Dom, at least that is what he claimed to be, but he was hiding under the respectful title of Master/Dom...and just like her, he acted like such a kind, tender teacher to me that i was in complete shock when he abused me, i won't go into all what it entailed.. but the bruises lasted for more than 90 days, he ignored me when i safeworded, but as to leaving immediately that wasn't an option as he was holding me down.... Came home, thought about it, and decided to treat him like any other vanilla guy that would have done that to me... Got a TRO, changed my phone numbers, accounts, passwords you name it I changed it, then his other side kicked in and I kept finding him stalking me from one site over here, as well as other sites, i tried changing my handle and it didn't matter where I went he would find me, the last straw was when he highjacked my other account and posted pics of me that were never meant for the entire world to see, and stating in my profile that he "Needed help teaching my place in this world" to say I was mad is a heck of an understatement..... So I took almost a year off the grid as it were... When I did come back I made sure that I used a completely different handle he would never think of as me. It took me chatting with some really good Doms/Dommes on another site, to realize how serious this could be, one of the Dommes used to be a submissive, and he broke her back and is in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, that got my attention like nothing else could... Since he was now stalking me both on the web and irl, i went and took self defense classes, purchased a weapon, and took classes for a CCW... And moved on, currently I am looking for a good Dom to learn his ways, you see i was unaware that most of what i did in my vanilla relationships were actually kink... Now just looking for a Dom who is comfortable walking in both worlds... lol...

I spoke to this young woman, she asked me how I learned how to trust again, I told her to take a break and heal first.. I also suggested that she go to another site that you can broadcast your webcam on and take direction from the safety of her own home, that is how I eased back into this world when I discovered that the vanilla guys just were not enough for me that there was a NEED that I could only get on a forum like this. I have to admit it's kinda scary.... guess the old adage is true you must learn how to walk before you can run.. lol.. Then come back after doing some research <not the fifty shades of grey books lol> then enter this world with a great deal of skeptism on her part and not fall for the first Dom to message her. I had the advice of a mentor to talk to for the year I was off the grid as it were. She had her friends husband go to pick up her stuff, he refused.... I suggested that she call the police to oversee everything when she and her friend's hubby go to get her stuff, I have learned that men like this are usually COWARDS.... I also told her that when she goes to get her stuff with a police escort to walk in with her head high for this wasn't her fault in any way, shape, or fashion... And to walk with confidence, even if all she could do was act like it.... That is what worked for me....

I also believe when she comes back she would be happier with a Daddy Dom, one who will respect her limits... I also told her to take out a TRO, change all info he knows about, and if needed get self defense protection either pepper spray, tazer, or firearm with training of course... I will out of respect not say all of the horrible things this POS did to her that night... I have put her in contact with some of the Doms i know, and she is getting advice i believe from several.... I am and will be there for her in anyway that i can.

I have an odd question? Is it possible to get a support group for subs of all experience so us newer ones can talk to subs and just chat? If you are a sub or dom and think that this is a good idea feel free to send me a message... I am fairly new to this site and do not know what all www.collarme.com has to offer... I guess, I am asking for anyone that is a sub like me to message me, so I will feel safe this time... I have also discovered that if you are new, you should wait to commit to someone, the bad doms usually disappear within several weeks, the genuine Doms worth anyone's attention and consideration are usually the guys who hang back, and first offer you their friendship and are not pushy when first chatting...

sheryl aka goodsubinCO....

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 55

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/14/2014 7:44:59 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

Welcome goodsubinco!

Some great advice excepgt for suggesting she cam with someone. Do you realize how easy it is to save those and then post elsewhere without your permission?

The key is getting to know someone without involving any sex or BDSM. Don't rush into play following your hormones instead of your brain.

(in reply to goodsubinCO)

Post #: 56

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/14/2014 11:39:03 AM

goodsubinCO

Posts: 45
Joined: 4/9/2014
Status: offline

Yikes, no i was unaware of that, guess it's a good thing i never show my face.... thank you for that info.... as to new tech stuff i am stupid... miss the old ways.... hate e-mail with a passion my pc crashes on a nightly basis...carrier pigeon anyone???

still not happy to know that i could have been taped... won't be doing that anymore....

sheryl

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 57

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/14/2014 3:32:38 PM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: poise
he back handed me

He became very angry with me.

Sense than his play has been harsh and humiliating.

But he's asked me to do something that I can't manage to get passed.

He won't talk to me I've asked him for a little time to get my mind around it.

Hes so angry with me

he's witholding everything from me.

Do you see a pattern here? I think he is confusing Dominant with Domineering.
You really shouldn't be giving up control to someone who can't control his emotions.

Quoted for truth. This is physically and emotionally abusive behaviour - I would go while the going is good.

< Message edited by orgasmdenial12 -- 4/14/2014 3:34:14 PM >

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 58

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/15/2014 3:49:19 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sonew2b

No I'm saying or trying to, that I would never stand toe to toe with an angry man and allow him to hit me. That night there was a lot going on. In the middle of being spanked hard, and feeling all that I was....its hard to explain but is all kind of fuzzy. I wasnt even aware of the fact that I answered him until I tasted blood. It wasn't his hand across my face that I noticed. It took me a minute to realize he hit me. It was Like I opened my eyes and was looking at a very. Angry guy. The blood freaked me a little but mostly I was confused. The only reason this was anissue is because right here in that moment things changed. He blew off his anger said it was fine. . But after that his play has been degrading and hes distant than he made this request and I'm not allowed in the same room untill I can do that for him. It seems to me its all about that night. ... it's just so hazy. I didn't recognize it as abuse until someone said earlier that it was his anger that made it dangerous, it made me think. The reason its so hard I can't figure out what caused it. He said I didn't answer him correctly. I left off Sir.

I've read till only this far in the thread but I want to say something. If someone else explained, I'm sorry for being redundant.

quote:

In the middle of being spanked hard, and feeling all that I was....its hard to explain but is all kind of fuzzy.

Feeling floaty, blissful, your sense of time distorted too? The word/phrase you're looking for is "subspacing" or "sub spacing". Your brain was cranking out a lovely chemical cocktail that gave you a natural high. My boy gets this way during scenes and most of the time he's in it so deeply that he's too incoherent to hold a conversation, will not be aware of five minutes passing while he is trying to process a simple question I asked, and is obviously too "drunk" to drive or be trusted around pointy objects. Like furniture corners even.

I would recommend your going over to Amazon.com or Ebay and buying two books, SM 101 by Jay Wiseman and The Loving Dominant by John Warren. Read, learn, educate yourself. You will learn safeties, the names of things you want to describe to others, and learn about subspace, sub drop, aftercare, sub frenzy, "protect the property", etc. If you send me a note in my CM mailbox I can get you a link that might be helpful.

I looked at your profile and saw that you have some hard limits listed. Watersports (piss play) is on that list. I'd suggest adding scat to that list, as well as being hit in anger, and being slapped in the mouth. Tell him this. Most of us respect someone's hard limits, even if we stumble upon a new one with our partner.

The hitting in anger thing was a bigger red flag with me than the making you poop and sit in it part. Scat play is not on your hard limits list and I don't see any comments about humiliation or degradation being a hard limit either. What came to my mind on this subject was...who's going to clean up the mess afterward? If there were medical consequences (feces on your vulva or in your vagina triggering a yeast infection or bladder infection, etc.), would he take care of his property and see to it that you got the meds you needed.

I enjoy face slapping and if bo didn't have a physical reason why this is a bad idea, yes, I would enjoy smacking him on the cheek from time to time. I miss it sometimes but having him in my life is worth it. I have never hit my slave in anger.

One of my AB friends are really in for it now. She wears diapers and I'm going to ask her if she's experienced any problems from BMs.

(in reply to Sonew2b)

Post #: 59

RE: Angry Dom. - 4/30/2014 10:49:43 AM

Tyranus

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/29/2014
Status: offline

Normally i only read posts and rarely post myself, however you'r post struck a nerve. D/s play is just that, it's play. It' s roleplaying. Anger, especially being angry enough to backhand a newly awakening sub is wrong on so many levels. In truth a dominant should never-ever let their anger rule them. A good dom/domme will always remain cool, calm and collected even as the sub acts out to get attention, is defiant, falters in the heat of the moment or places a hard limit on something like scat play. A good dom respects and understands imits and boundaries. And although they may try to push you past you'r limits, they know instinctively when enough is enough. Then they move on to the next fantasy. Hehe. I think you should listen to you'r fellows subs, they know. "RUN-run away! It's a killer rabbit!"

(in reply to Sonew2b)

Post #: 60

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