RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles

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Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (5/11/2014 8:13:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven Edited to add: I just looked at your profile. You are married and insist that your wife is just great with it, even though she likely will not meet any prospective subs. Under those circumstances, you may wish to be less fussy. Wow! Just Wow! I am so irked by cheating dominants! What a silly thread by OP considering his marital status. Greta, the OP isn't married (or doesn't say he is). The poster on this last page named "Tenderdom2008", who I and DarkSteven replied to, is the guy whose profile says he is married. Look about 5 posts up, you'll see who I'm talking about. Edit: He is the guy who posted post #52 in this thread, not SirEpitome, the OP.

Greta75 -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (5/11/2014 8:16:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2 Greta, the OP isn't married (or doesn't say he is). The poster on this last page named "Tenderdom2008", who I and DarkSteven replied to, is the guy whose profile says he is married. Look about 5 posts up, you'll see who I'm talking about. Edit: He is the guy who posted post #52 in this thread, not SirEpitome, the OP. Okay, I misunderstood, apologies to OP, as I have not looked at your profile myself to verify.

notperfectyet -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (5/11/2014 2:16:20 PM)
I agree with many of the posters here that perhaps the OP is expecting too much submission and following of his orders from an online meeting. That may be the reason he has not met the one that would be right for him. Not only is submission more natural to someone with whom you have a connection, it is also more complete. In my particular case, I have been making my own decisions and taking care of myself for most of my life. To turn over those decisions to someone simply because they need to feel in charge would be crazy and my refusal has ended several online conversations and dates for me. If I don't know you well enough to trust you will make good decisions on my behalf or to know that you have your life in order, how can you expect me to let you run my life? If you don't want to take the time to understand my needs, how can you expect to earn respect or give any orders other than, "On your knees?"

vgotx -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (5/30/2014 5:18:09 PM)
Amen. I agree with you 100 percent. Just because they won't submit to him doesn't mean they're not submissive. Really why would a man want a woman who would submit to any man that demanded it?

ivone57 -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/1/2014 12:53:18 PM)
I agree submission is earned not something that is just given away on a whim... you have to learn to trust said person to the fullest before you can actually give them your submission and being a lot of this is online that's kinda hard to do ... just saying

DarkSteven -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/1/2014 12:55:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: vgotx Really why would a man want a woman who would submit to any man that demanded it? [sm=goodpost.gif][sm=agree.gif]

Gauge -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/2/2014 2:20:46 AM)
Why is it that when a dominant says what they want, it is OK, but when a sub says what they want from a dominant it is suddenly "topping from the bottom?" Look, for those dominants that think that they should be in control of someone they have never met before and have no idea if you even have some sort of chemistry... well, welcome to Finding a Partner 101. You aren't in control, you aren't even remotely in the fucking ballpark of being in control. In fact, you are likely an arrogant asshole if you even mildly entertain the idea that you should have ultimate control of a potential sub that you are interested in. I don't have to be in control to prove that I am dominant, it is who I am and it will show no matter what. So, what I am interested to find out is if who interests me is either a little, somewhat, kind-of, mildly, fairly, extremely compatible with what I seek in a partner. For those in the cheap seats, we are on a BDSM site, we are here because we either like the community are we are looking for someone. Since we are here, the only thing really left to us is to identify those that have piqued our interest. Once we weed through the dreck, and we all know there is a ton of it out there either male/female/dominant/submissive, what we are left with is a short list of possible candidates for partners. Let me toss out another little pearl of wisdom... it is incumbent upon me as a dominant to find out what my submissive wants and needs from me. I have made it clear to her what I want and need from her, and if a relationship is going to flourish and grow, don't you think I had better be certain that I fulfill her needs too? This is a relationship, and if it is going to be a healthy one, then we better communicate. My slut and I talked for weeks before we met in person and before I ever touched her we already knew what we wanted in a relationship and out of our BDSM experience and we continue to explore and discuss different things we want to do. I get to do what I want, but one of the things that pleases me is to give life to what makes her happy too. Am I being topped from the bottom? Definitely not, I listen to her and if I do something that she has expressed an interest in doing, I am still in control and she knows it. In the vanilla world, one sided relationships are usually miserable, why would we expect it to be different in BDSM? I want to know what my partner needs and desires... I would be one selfish motherfucker if I didn't. I have no sage answers for a "one size fits all" solution because BDSM is not an acronym for cookie-cutter. Please excuse me if my post is a little disjointed... I have been awake for 35 hours and I believe that my brain may be leaking slowly away.

FriendlyMuppet -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/2/2014 8:08:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gauge Why is it that when a dominant says what they want, it is OK, but when a sub says what they want from a dominant it is suddenly "topping from the bottom?" In the vanilla world, one sided relationships are usually miserable, why would we expect it to be different in BDSM? I want to know what my partner needs and desires... I would be one selfish motherfucker if I didn't. While on most points (mostly the stuff I cut out), I agree with your general premise, I also think that your response misses a few things about what can make a dominant/submissive relationship work. First, this isn't a vanilla world when we're talking about kink, and putting things into absolutes can often lead you down a path that only leads to a destructive relationship. What you call a "one-sided" relationship, a bdsm partnership might actually call an active, healthy relationship where both sides are getting exactly what they want. In your context, they're not, but that's only you and any relationship you imagine you'd be in. I can easily tell you a great deal of relationships, including my own, that have benefited GREATLY from appearing to be one-sided, yet both sides were definitely getting the satisfaction they wanted in such arrangements. I remember one time when a professional dominant asked me why I was serving a female friend of hers, when "it appears that she's the only one getting anything out of this arrangement." What that told me was that this professional dominant, with her years of experience dominating men, really didn't understand the dynamics that can exist between two people, because I was extremely happy and feeling that every need I'd ever had was being fulfilled. At the time, I was seeking "belonging" and that sort of arrangement gave me exactly that, even though to an outsider, it appeared that all of the benefits were going to my dominant, and not me. It's just that my dominant understood me, and she knew exactly what to do in order to keep me fascinated by her. We lasted five years in a very intimate, yet very one-sided relationship that ended for reasons that had nothing to do with the needs of either of us not being fulfilled.

DesFIP -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/2/2014 8:54:07 AM)
But if that's what you need, then it isn't one sided. You are being fulfilled by being treated in this way. Beyond that, I assume you established basic compatibility first. You knew that she enjoyed some things you also enjoy, not that the only things she would ask you to do were all on your hard limits list. But the op didn't seem to understand even that. He assumed that anyone with a hard limit was tftb. Didn't bother to ask them why they limited it. So if he's into breath play, then anyone who limits it isn't a true sub in his view. He is so one sided that he doesn't care if they're asthmatic and breath play has sent them to the ER before.

Gauge -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/2/2014 4:41:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FriendlyMuppet While on most points (mostly the stuff I cut out), I agree with your general premise, I also think that your response misses a few things about what can make a dominant/submissive relationship work. First, this isn't a vanilla world when we're talking about kink, and putting things into absolutes can often lead you down a path that only leads to a destructive relationship. What you call a "one-sided" relationship, a bdsm partnership might actually call an active, healthy relationship where both sides are getting exactly what they want. In your context, they're not, but that's only you and any relationship you imagine you'd be in. I can easily tell you a great deal of relationships, including my own, that have benefited GREATLY from appearing to be one-sided, yet both sides were definitely getting the satisfaction they wanted in such arrangements. I remember one time when a professional dominant asked me why I was serving a female friend of hers, when "it appears that she's the only one getting anything out of this arrangement." What that told me was that this professional dominant, with her years of experience dominating men, really didn't understand the dynamics that can exist between two people, because I was extremely happy and feeling that every need I'd ever had was being fulfilled. At the time, I was seeking "belonging" and that sort of arrangement gave me exactly that, even though to an outsider, it appeared that all of the benefits were going to my dominant, and not me. It's just that my dominant understood me, and she knew exactly what to do in order to keep me fascinated by her. We lasted five years in a very intimate, yet very one-sided relationship that ended for reasons that had nothing to do with the needs of either of us not being fulfilled. I honestly cannot see where you have said anything differently that I stated. Maybe different words, but the same concept. The dynamic of "kink" doesn't mean that relational dynamics change. The needs of both people must be met or the relationship won't work, or it will not be healthy or happy... someone will be lacking. My slut is willing to do what makes me happy because that is what she needs. An outsider would say that is "one sided" but it isn't in the least. One day she brought me a tens unit and said she wanted to try it out if I was willing to use it on her. I agreed that I would use it on her when I was ready to do so. Was that topping from the bottom because she expressed an interest in something and I acquiesced to the request? I don't think so... of course some might feel differently, but that is OK too. What I think is silly is the arrogance of people who think that when a submissive opens their mouth and expresses something in the form of interests and limits, that the submissive is not a submissive at all.

RemoteUser -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/2/2014 6:48:18 PM)
I once described myself in my profile as open minded. I still like to view myself in that manner, but I've met enough madwomen to have a few hesitant tendencies. People change and shift and evolve (or devolve); nothing is set in the firmament of desire but the intent and the goal. All the rest is subject to change, and experience grants the most motivation. Don't read too deeply into the offered fancies of anything as mutable as people, or your literacy might let you down.

RockaRolla -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/2/2014 8:08:04 PM)
It sounds as if OP picked out the "Dom" label because it would be easy to demand sex/play from someone. If you want a doormat, just buy a sex doll. They're easier to maintain than people.

Arturas -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/2/2014 9:36:39 PM)
First, I can understand your frustration. It can take some time to find that submissive who clicks with you and it can be very frustrating and even a bit of a let down when you seem to never get a bite from that lure you cast out in the CM pond. I went through that but it will work out if you remember that like anything else you reap what you sow. For example, be genuine and be your best and you attract those who are the same. Secondly, you will find the best do test you. So, be glad they test you and be glad when they choose to dance with you since that is the time to lead. ...and as you can see, Collarchat is not the place to vent nor is it the place to cast a lure.

theunlisteddark -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/2/2014 11:02:29 PM)
Minor tangent, but I resent it being said that being authoritarian or Dominating communication from the word go is somehow wrong. I'm looking for 24/7 TPE, so the people I talk to are usually looking to hand all the decision making in their life to somebody else. Given that decision-making is a basic life skill, what's wrong with pitying them and placing myself above them mentally? (I am aware that statement in itself is a topic for discussion, and a controversial one at that) Reeling it back on topic, I've found that slaves who agree with the above are usually the type to have a profile saying "i am hoping to find/looking for xyz", whereas the types who find the above immediately offensive are the types to have a profile saying "I will not a-z, you must a-z, I must have a-z." Make with this data what you will, to be honest perhaps the latter are simply people who are exhausted and annoyed at the hostile environment, which is understandable. Even the most mellow bear will eventually attack when frequently provoked. As a commenter pointed out, I agree that the type of person OP was writing about is the fault of 50 shades of grey and the like. Many women read D/s erotica and labelled themselves submissive because they wanted to be on the receiving end of some non-vanilla sex. Likewise, many men saw the response of females to the book and saw it as an easy shot to score an obedient women, but were surprised when outside of the bedroom (and even in the bedroom) they still had to argue their point. It all comes down to a simple misunderstanding, sometimes by the sub, sometimes by the Dom - not properly identifying the difference between wanting and being. If somebody steps up to the Mic and tells a joke it doesn't make him a comedian. On a lighter note, perhaps my young man is showing but this thread seems like the BDSM equivalent of "friendzone". "I ticked the Dom box and told her to obey me, why won't she?" - Allow me to tip my #Trilby

RockaRolla -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/3/2014 10:51:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: theunlisteddark Minor tangent, but I resent it being said that being authoritarian or Dominating communication from the word go is somehow wrong. I'm looking for 24/7 TPE, so the people I talk to are usually looking to hand all the decision making in their life to somebody else. Given that decision-making is a basic life skill, what's wrong with pitying them and placing myself above them mentally? (I am aware that statement in itself is a topic for discussion, and a controversial one at that) Until she agrees to serve you she is her own person and worthy of respect. AFTER she agrees to serve you she is still worthy of respect. If this is a hard concept to grasp, if your response is to pity such a person and think her beneath you, that should tell her you're not the person to be handing over control.

theunlisteddark -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/3/2014 6:38:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RockaRolla Until she agrees to serve you she is her own person and worthy of respect. AFTER she agrees to serve you she is still worthy of respect. That implies as a person they are worthy of respect. Respect isn't a default mode, I don't respect everybody in the world - though I am polite to most. If a criterion of my search is a trait that I don't find respectable, then I actually start off disrespecting them. I may grow to respect them over time, but then I don't want somebody I respect serving me. quote: ORIGINAL: RockaRolla If this is a hard concept to grasp, if your response is to pity such a person and think her beneath you, that should tell her you're not the person to be handling over her control. My ability to control isn't changed by my opinion of the slave - only my willingness to control. If they are offended by my world view they are not for me, as I am not for them.

MistressDarkArt -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/3/2014 7:21:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: theunlisteddark If a criterion of my search is a trait that I don't find respectable, then I actually start off disrespecting them. I may grow to respect them over time, but then I don't want somebody I respect serving me. <snip> HUH and WTF? Did I read that right? You want somebody serving you who you disrespect? I would NEVER allow a person I didn't respect to serve me. I wouldn't want them anywhere near me.

MtMaster -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/3/2014 7:32:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt quote: ORIGINAL: theunlisteddark If a criterion of my search is a trait that I don't find respectable, then I actually start off disrespecting them. I may grow to respect them over time, but then I don't want somebody I respect serving me. <snip> HUH and WTF? Did I read that right? You want somebody serving you who you disrespect? I would NEVER allow a person I didn't respect to serve me. I wouldn't want them anywhere near me. Look at the poster's age. I think we all started out with the "my way or the highway" mentality and it took time to realize that even a sub and slave deserves a certain level of respect.

FieryOpal -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/3/2014 11:02:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MtMaster quote: ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt quote: ORIGINAL: theunlisteddark If a criterion of my search is a trait that I don't find respectable, then I actually start off disrespecting them. I may grow to respect them over time, but then I don't want somebody I respect serving me. <snip> HUH and WTF? Did I read that right? You want somebody serving you who you disrespect? I would NEVER allow a person I didn't respect to serve me. I wouldn't want them anywhere near me. Look at the poster's age. I think we all started out with the "my way or the highway" mentality and it took time to realize that even a sub and slave deserves a certain level of respect. Duly noted. Immaturity comes at all ages. You should see/hear some of the crap that comes out of the mouths of these 60-year-old "Masters." They are the most likely to call their slaves by "it." MDA, I'm with you. I wouldn't let somebody be my close friend whom I didn't respect, let alone my lover-partner-mate. You often hear people say respect has to be earned, that it is not freely given or deserved. They're certainly entitled to that belief, if it serves their worldview. But there are others who are unwilling to respect the (civil) rights of others, and that is not an acceptable option. Deep down, as far as pet theories go, this type of individual does not feel worthy of self-respect themselves. Similar to the type who second-guesses or doubts the sincerity of any passing compliment and who withholds praise or due credit to others. If a Dominant, he may demand his s-type say "I love you" but won't believe it because this expression of love and devotion was not freely given.

theunlisteddark -> RE: Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (6/4/2014 1:07:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt quote: ORIGINAL: theunlisteddark If a criterion of my search is a trait that I don't find respectable, then I actually start off disrespecting them. I may grow to respect them over time, but then I don't want somebody I respect serving me. <snip> HUH and WTF? Did I read that right? You want somebody serving you who you disrespect? Correct. If I respect somebody, I'm going to treat them as a peer, not a slave. This is prevalent in my relationship with my partner. I respect and love her, so I don't get any thrill from our D/s activities simply because I don't think she deserves to be told/have done the awful things I say/do to get her off. However, somebody I judge to not be worthy of respect is somebody I am comfortable with doing those things (and more) for my own gratification. My attitude towards slaves is that of a Monarch to their servants. To me, this is true Master/slave. It absolutely offends people of all orientations, but then, those aren't the people I'm looking to meet. It's wonderful discussing it with those who disagree, however. It's disappointing when their "discussions" border on personal attacks, however - as this thread stands tribute to. Granted I don't expect any less online, much less on CM (is it CS now?)

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