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Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 11:06:43 AM   
losttreasure


Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline 		This question is more spefically for those seeking a long-term D/s relationship, but I suppose it could apply to other situations, as well.

Have you ever considered whether, to you, a D/s relationship is a need, or a want?  What about for the person you are seeking?  Would you want your partner to be with you out of need, or out of desire?
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 11:13:25 AM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		Emotionally it is a need and a want so can't choose.  Would not want a Dom that did not desire and based on those facts i believe the One i seek will have the same or similar concept of the relationship.

(in reply to losttreasure)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 11:14:33 AM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline 		It's a want.

If it was a need, I'd be willing to settle.

(in reply to losttreasure)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 11:22:35 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
Interesting.  I see it as a need, but not - possibly - in the same way as you do from the way I am interpreting your writing.
 
Need
Want
Desire
 
Three words you have used.  Want is selfish.  It takes into account no one else but oneself and as a submissive personality that isn't my choice.  Need to serve, need to submit is inherent.  It is a desire, not 'needy' - there is a difference.  I do not submit in the sense that I need protection or I need a dominant but I need to submit.  It is a natural response to a dominant personality.  It triggers a desire within me.  It isn't weak to need.  It is strength in knowing ones limit and possibilities.
 
Peace and Rapture


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to losttreasure)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 11:25:55 AM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		To me it's both. I want it and I need it, but it has to be right before I enter into the dynamic with a Dom. I can wait and take my time and not rush headlong into it just to meet that need. I'm also involved in my local "scene" and have friends on both sides of the whip, as well as attending parties and events. In essence part of that need is getting met in s/m play on occasion, but I want and need it all and at some point when it's right, I know I will have it.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to Caretakr)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 11:28:02 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		For me it is a need - the very reason i wont settle for less than fulfilling this need. If i just wanted it i may settle for less.
I do not believe to want something is selfish in itself, it only becomes selfish when you will fill that want without any thought for others.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to losttreasure)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 11:32:56 AM   
gentlethistle


Posts: 186
Joined: 10/28/2005
Status: offline 		I never expected to find a D/s relationship.  Therefore, for me, it was neither a need nor a want.  It certainly feeds into things that are a part of me, therefore there are things that are enjoyable, things that are a comfort, things that offer security.  But if it were to end I would not seek out someone else to fulfil the same role.

Laura

(in reply to losttreasure)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 1:10:40 PM   
SirKenin


Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline 		It is something I want, but not something I have to have.  I can easily live without it, although it never fails to shine through in My daily life and thus My partner has to understand and accept that I am not "normal".  There is a serious flaw in your character if you "need" a relationship of any type, vanilla or D/s.

_____________________________

Hi. I don't care. Thanks.

Wicca: Pretending to be an ancient religion since 1956

Catholic Church: Serving up guilt since 107 AD.

(in reply to gentlethistle)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 1:38:08 PM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirKenin

It is something I want, but not something I have to have.  I can easily live without it, although it never fails to shine through in My daily life and thus My partner has to understand and accept that I am not "normal".  There is a serious flaw in your character if you "need" a relationship of any type, vanilla or D/s.

So in that case you do not 'need' a relationship with God?(Not picking on your religion - just an example - need isn't necessarily weak nor a flaw)  People need to eat to live, need to drink to survive and some people need certain drugs to help with illness.  None of these are flaws.
 
Peace and Rapture


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to SirKenin)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 1:59:21 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I will not say it is anything as trivial as the word "want" feels to me, nor as obsessive as the word "need" feels. It is more like a deep desire, a completion that I cannot have otherwise. Do I want it, of course. Do I need it to survive, no. I am fully functional without, just not as happy or as fullfilled.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to darkinshadows)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 2:10:03 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

This question is more spefically for those seeking a long-term D/s relationship, but I suppose it could apply to other situations, as well.

Have you ever considered whether, to you, a D/s relationship is a need, or a want?  What about for the person you are seeking?  Would you want your partner to be with you out of need, or out of desire?



I have considered it, yes.

It's not a need in the fundamental way that *I* see *needs*. I have lived the majority of my life fairly well without *D/s* and if need be, I could live the rest without it.

I've been fortunate enough to have an M/s relationship that has given me the insight to a more beneficial way of living , for ME. If that relationship ended, for some reason, I don't expect it to be *recreated*, because although it's based in M/s ...it's the man , not the style, per se.

I don't wish anyone to be with me out of *need*........especially if they're are controlling me and my life.

agirl

(in reply to losttreasure)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 3:22:27 PM   
SirKenin


Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darkinshadows

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirKenin

It is something I want, but not something I have to have.  I can easily live without it, although it never fails to shine through in My daily life and thus My partner has to understand and accept that I am not "normal".  There is a serious flaw in your character if you "need" a relationship of any type, vanilla or D/s.

So in that case you do not 'need' a relationship with God?(Not picking on your religion - just an example - need isn't necessarily weak nor a flaw)  People need to eat to live, need to drink to survive and some people need certain drugs to help with illness.  None of these are flaws.
 
Peace and Rapture



Cute, but needing a spiritual relationship is a far cry from needing an earthly one.  Besides.  Not only do I need one, I want one.  It has become glaringly obvious in the last two months that I could not possibly do it without God.  I would be foolish to turn My back on that.

_____________________________

Hi. I don't care. Thanks.

Wicca: Pretending to be an ancient religion since 1956

Catholic Church: Serving up guilt since 107 AD.

(in reply to darkinshadows)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 4:03:23 PM   
losttreasure


Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline 		It does make me curious about how the want/need issue plays into the D/s dynamic.  I have a theory about a basic personality trait that I believe a lot of submissives share... where there is this need to please and be pleasing.  I think that submissives generally thrive on relationships, are sensitive to the subtle nuances of interactions, and see serving those relations as the focal point of their lives.  

For me, I am a very independent woman; I am completely capable of taking care of myself and all aspects of my life, and I am relatively happy to do so.  However, after many years and much "soul searching", I realized that there is this drive within me to "center" myself on a dominant man... it is what is required for me to be content and fulfilled.   So, I would say that that makes it a need for me.

Though I can live my life happily and without that fulfilment.

But, I wouldn't want to.

So does that make it a want?

*grins*  So... I can understand those who say it is both a need and a want.  (Dark... I understand your differentiating between 'want' and 'desire', but here I'm using them in an interchangeable fashion.)

I have spoken with several dominants who have expressed to me the desire to have a submissive or slave whose focus is to serve, obey and please them... where the sub's very reason for being is to cater to the dominant's needs and wants.

Yet these same dominants complain of submissives who become dependent upon them... calling the submissives "clingy" and "needy" and "insecure".  

And I wonder if these dominants are merely indulging in a want but not a driving need, or if they simply had no real idea what they were asking for.
 
I can say that, at least for myself, in those instances where my submissive nature has been evident in the "vanilla world", I have found that I am mostly misunderstood.  I have been described as dependent, overly sensitive, weak, and occasionally obsessed.  *laughs*  In other words, clingy and needy and insecure.

Yet in the world of D/s, that same depth of submission is touted with more noble adjectives such as devoted, loyal, dutiful, attentive, and insightful.  Whether that holds true in established relationships, I've yet to see.
 
At any rate, I'm curious to see if dominants generally consider a D/s relationship as a want, where submissives view it more as a need.

(in reply to SirKenin)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 4:26:33 PM   
enigmabrat


Posts: 2383
Joined: 8/1/2004
Status: offline 		for me its a need my mom often yells at me for not looking outside of the BDSM community for a boy friend and I keep telling her i cant get what I need from a venilla boy friend, she is convinsed I can and that any man woild be more then happy to spank me if asked she doesnt understand its not the same thing... so yes a need defiently a need!!

-da enigma-

_____________________________

Leather strap $85.00 on Master card
Wooden paddle $50.00 on Master card
ratten cane $48.00 on Master card

a Master that can use them all Priceless

(in reply to losttreasure)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 4:33:31 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirKenin

It is something I want, but not something I have to have.  I can easily live without it, although it never fails to shine through in My daily life and thus My partner has to understand and accept that I am not "normal".  There is a serious flaw in your character if you "need" a relationship of any type, vanilla or D/s.


I see it sooo differently. We all need people, this is why we tend to hang out together in places like cities, towns, and villages. Very few people are hermits, and I think of people like the UniBomber when I think "loner". We all need affection, attention, and interaction with fellow human beings, and this is why solitary confinement is so cruel and over extended periods of time can cause mental anguish, even hardened criminals need interaction with others.

We are programmed to need affection, if you do not give a baby a bond to another human being in the first year of life they often become maladjusted, and sometimes violently psychotic, later in life. If we did not need people it wouldn't matter as long as we were diapered and fed, would it?

That leads me to needing our mate. Our mate is a port n the storm if they are a good one. A man will live longer and be more healthy if happily married (not the same for women, but for men it is the case, and you are a man...smiles).  We all do better stress wise with a regular steady intimate sex life... we have less anxiety and all the nasty diseases that come with it. People who have a happy marriage suffer less depression.

So it depends on how you quantify "need". You can get by for years without adequate water, always drinking slightly less than you need. Sooner or later you get diseases because you walked around slightly dehydrated... you did not need more water to live another day, but you need it to live optimally.. same goes for a relationship that  leads to long term happiness, I may not need it to live another day, but yes I need it if it is the right one and we are both satisfied....

Well that is my best debate material on this subject... just my thoughts as usual

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 7/9/2006 4:35:24 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SirKenin)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 4:38:24 PM   
SDFemDom4cuck


Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
Status: offline 		Want and need can mean different things to different people. A Long term D/s relationship is absolutely something I wish to have. However as I discussed with someone the other night...If I never have it again thats fine. I would prefer that than to settle for less than what I'm searching for and the fulfillment that comes from finding it. Would I die without it? No I would not. Would I live a happy and contented life without finding My sould mate? Yes I would. Would I be disappointed if it never happens again? I suppose to some degree. However I know it is possible to find it again and he is out there somewhere. So is it a want or a need? I can't say.  What is your definition of want and of need? Which of the words is the deeper and more urgent of the desires? What I do know is that it would be the fulfillment of what has been missing within My life for a very long time. I know that its what I'm meant for just as surely as I was born a Dominant. I cannot Not be a Domme. I cannot not continue to look for the type of relationship I know will fufill the desires I have.

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

(in reply to losttreasure)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 4:55:23 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
So it depends on how you quantify "need". You can get by for years without adequate water, always drinking slightly less than you need. Sooner or later you get diseases because you walked around slightly dehydrated... you did not need more water to live another day, but you need it to live optimally.. same goes for a relationship that  leads to long term happiness, I may not need it to live another day, but yes I need it if it is the right one and we are both satisfied....


I loved the way you put this.  I need Master because I was "dehydrated" without him.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 4:58:17 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
So it depends on how you quantify "need". You can get by for years without adequate water, always drinking slightly less than you need. Sooner or later you get diseases because you walked around slightly dehydrated... you did not need more water to live another day, but you need it to live optimally.. same goes for a relationship that  leads to long term happiness, I may not need it to live another day, but yes I need it if it is the right one and we are both satisfied....


I loved the way you put this.  I need Master because I was "dehydrated" without him.


I would be dehydrated without my Dom too, he is very "juicy" after all.. damn I am bad bad bad

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 5:14:07 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Hahahaha, good one  

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 7/9/2006 5:45:28 PM   
irishbynature


Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

Have you ever considered whether, to you, a D/s relationship is a need, or a want?  What about for the person you are seeking?  Would you want your partner to be with you out of need, or out of desire?


I could break that down this way:
Want- role play without a 24/7  D/s dynamic.
Want - passion, romance

Need - Kisses, hugs, to be told I am loved or worthy of love.
           


_____________________________


What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller


(in reply to losttreasure)
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