FieryOpal
Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DesFIP
If you're the dominant, then you get to decide what to do. And what would harm the relationship.
Beyond that, if you haven't been doing this extreme degradation, then she doesn't really know if it will be as good in reality as it seems in fantasy.
Now, tell her to back off and stop pushing. Because the more she's doing that, the less she's submitting.
What she should be doing is thanking you for anything that you're pushing yourself to do. She should be giving you lots of positive feedback, telling you how hot it makes her. And begging you to do it again soon and next time harder and longer.
And take your time to figure out what play attracts you.
As far as being a service sub, tell her to refill your coffee. Tell her to make you a sandwich. Decide what you want for dinner and have her make it.
quote:
But then she'll come back complaining that he isn't really into it and is just playing the part. If he's laid back, then why should he have to change that? Why can't he just tell her it's her job to decide what to make for dinner as long as it doesn't contain peas or whatever he hates?
Why can't he announce he doesn't feel like smacking her around today, he feels like tying her down and sticking a hitachi on her for an hour and watch her have more orgasms than he can count?
Because he isn't trying to be dominant, he's trying to turn himself into her service top. Which would be fine if that's what they both want. But not if he's going to resent never having the sex life of his dreams, because he's pretending to be someone he isn't to please her. And it's never okay to tell your partner whom you claim to love that they need to change everything about them.
I'm wondering if his wife isn't suffering from sub frenzy. If so, she might benefit from coming on here and hearing some home truths about how she's being unfair to him.
Because why should he have to change to be the meanest sadist on the block. Why shouldn't she change to be a sensualist, or daddy's little princess? Which seems to be more the op's style. And if he's the dominant, then they should play by his rules.
This is the best advice I've heard in a long while, and I think the OP needs to take a good hard look at what dominance means to him. Because DesFIP has hit the nail squarely on the head.
I had a problem of a different nature in my marriage. There was a time when all my husband wanted was bedroom D/s. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, with some couples. But the same sort of dissonant energy (power) dynamic emerged with us. He acted demanding, and I started to feel like his service Top instead of his Mistress. Our power struggles outside of the bedroom began to spill over into the bedroom, and it was incredibly frustrating for me in those earlier years. There was a lot of unnecessary strife and resentment that affected our relationship. He wouldn't come on board with my softer style of dominance, and I didn't feel in control or in charge of a marriage that was spiraling out of control. Neither of us were happy. Typical of so many vanilla marriages, it got to the point where I didn't want to be intimate with him anymore because I was pissed off at him so much of the time.
Long story short, we eventually resolved our differences, and he stopped resisting my taking the lead in our marriage many years later but not until he was finally willing to accept my authority as the Dominant partner beyond having kinky sex together.
[Edited for clarity]
< Message edited by FieryOpal -- 6/19/2014 3:12:19 PM >
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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau
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