Public Submission

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Admiresdommes -> Public Submission (8/1/2014 8:42:07 AM)
I am certain this topic has been discussed prior to my joining and I am equally certain it varies by couple. However, I am curious how others deal with the power structure in public. I was punished and told I needed to understand that ours is a lifestyle and not something limited to the sanctity of our house. As part of the new discipline I was told I should address her as Ma'am in public. I have always tried to be overly polite and a gentelman when we are out but I will admit that I don't like to advertise that I am sub to her. She feels I should be proud to have people know I am her sub. Just curious how others handle this.

Gauge -> RE: Public Submission (8/1/2014 9:39:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Admiresdommes I am certain this topic has been discussed prior to my joining and I am equally certain it varies by couple. However, I am curious how others deal with the power structure in public. I was punished and told I needed to understand that ours is a lifestyle and not something limited to the sanctity of our house. As part of the new discipline I was told I should address her as Ma'am in public. I have always tried to be overly polite and a gentelman when we are out but I will admit that I don't like to advertise that I am sub to her. She feels I should be proud to have people know I am her sub. Just curious how others handle this. I had this conversation with my slut. I told her that some people carry this outside of the home and that they have people call them Master, Sir, Ma'am etc, and carry on their chosen dynamic in public. I said it is a matter of choice and frankly, for us, that it didn't matter to me because I own her all the time and we both know it. She agreed that it could be uncomfortable for her to do that around people that we might know, friends, family, neighbors and the like may not understand what is going on and it could raise questions. Since she is in the health care profession I felt it better that she refrained from public displays. That said, are you willing to have it known that you are into BDSM? Being public with your dynamic carries risk if you are not open about your lifestyle. Some people here have horror stories from being outted to friends, or family or co-workers etc. and I assure you that a simple thing like calling someone Ma'am or Sir is enough to get people's noses pointed in the direction of your personal business. If you are uncomfortable, tell her, tell her why and explain that while you are proud to serve her, that you are not willing to put your relationship under a microscope for all the world to see, because a lot of people do not understand what we do. You should be free to discuss things with your partner, some people forget that the BDSM relationship is a relationship and as such requires the same level of communication (if not more communication) as a normal relationship in order to be successful. Sorry if this sounded a like it was written by a drunken chipmunk, I am working on my first coffee of the day and my brain is still foggy.

searching4mysir -> RE: Public Submission (8/1/2014 9:50:40 AM)
Being a M/f couple, our dynamic is a bit more socially acceptable, but we feel our dynamic isn't the general public's business. For us, it is wrong to bring others into our kink without their permission.

CreativeDominant -> RE: Public Submission (8/1/2014 10:19:32 AM)
I've always had kind of a relaxed perspective on the use of honorifics I'm on the opposite side of Gauge...I am in health care, same as his submissive. Because of that, it can be awkward to be addressed as Sir or Master in public. Therefore, I am addressed by my name. Since...except in a few instances...I have been romantically involved with my submissive, the use of honorifics at home was crafted to fit both of us. This is something you need to sit down and talk with her about honestly. If she cannot accept your discomfort with the use of a title in public, you have some pondering to do. I live it as a lifestyle too but that does not stop consideration for my own position...or hers...in front of others. There's another thread on here where I describe what happened when I was outed as being in the life...I've worked long and hard to overcome that and could not be with someone who could not or would not understand my need to be circumspect.

SeekingTrinity -> RE: Public Submission (8/1/2014 10:48:29 AM)
~FRing it~ In our relationship, my guy and I have a public vanilla persona and our private persona when we are together (we switch). Ours is very subtle as far as public displays go. I have a small polished stone necklace I wear that looks like everyday jewelry, but represents the collar he has given to me. His is a dog collar, so public wear for him does not happen. We both wear two black rings on our left ring finger that look like regular old rings, but represents my belonging to him and his belonging to me. This is it as far as public displays go. If you met us in person in public, you'd honestly never know we are who we are behind closed doors. Not everyone is comfortable with public D/s displays for a variety of reasons. For us, we have vanilla folks in our lives who don't understand and we both have professional personas to maintain. We respect each other's feelings on this subject and just because we aren't outwardly flying our kink flag...it doesn't diminish our relationship. We know who and what we are to each other. We don't need me kneeling at his feet or he at mine in the middle of a mall to prove it. It doesn't sound like you are comfortable with public displays of D/s. Is it something that you might be thinking might be a limit of yours? Are you able to talk honestly with her about your feelings?

BecomingV -> RE: Public Submission (8/1/2014 11:00:39 AM)
The "middle ground" for many people is to go full throttle in private, have a vanilla persona for vanilla public life, and go to clubs where public displays of roles or play are encouraged and supported. Clubs offers "some" privacy, but there are always risks: - registration lists get leaked - you could bump into your employees inside the club - people talk - watch for idiots with cameras and no sense of getting consent for pics It's a great question, OP, and I think it is wise to discuss it in the "hard limits" reporting part of the relationship because compatibility in this area is important, and should a bad breakup occur, the propensity for open-ness versus discretion may become paramount.

InHisHeart -> RE: Public Submission (8/1/2014 12:06:18 PM)
There are some rules I must follow even in public and when in the company of vanilla folks who don't know what kind of relationship we have but they aren't things anyone would notice. Some of our vanilla friends and family do know we're in a D/s relationship but we're still subtle about it so they aren't uncomfortable. He has some very simple hand motions and words to give me instructions that no one else would pick up on. When we're visiting our D/s friends or they're visiting us, everything is as it is when we're in privacy of our home. Depending on where we are and who we're with, I do call him Sir or Sir(his first name) and sometimes Captain. When I call him Sir, people think it's a pet name I have for him or they think I'm being sarcastic. A lot of friends and family call him Captain so no one thinks anything of me calling him Captain. My formal collar is always on but it's a short gold necklace with 3 pendants on it, just a piece of jewelry to everyone else's eye. I never where my other collars outside of the home. As the others said, this is something to talk to her about and explain why you're uncomfortable with it. I'm proud to be Master's sub but we don't feel the need to advertise it to the world. He knows I'm proud to belong to him, he's the only one that needs to know and that's all that matters.

letsgetoffline -> RE: Public Submission (8/1/2014 12:47:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Admiresdommes I am certain this topic has been discussed prior to my joining and I am equally certain it varies by couple. However, I am curious how others deal with the power structure in public. I was punished and told I needed to understand that ours is a lifestyle and not something limited to the sanctity of our house. As part of the new discipline I was told I should address her as Ma'am in public. I have always tried to be overly polite and a gentelman when we are out but I will admit that I don't like to advertise that I am sub to her. She feels I should be proud to have people know I am her sub. Just curious how others handle this. Fundamentally, this is about having a serious discussion of your concerns. For example, many people don't want to broadcast publically that they are in a BDSM relationship. If this is a disconnect between the two of you, you need to discuss it openly, not merely have her dictate what you do. You both need to listen to each other. Personally, I would never, say, wear a collar and leash in public. If a domme insisted on that, I would need to make it a hard limit, and then it would be up to her to accept it or end the relationship. But it really says like you and your domme need to have an open, honest conversation. And if it is truly a lifestyle, both of you should welcome that. If she doesn't welcome it, it would be a huge red flag for me.

DesFIP -> RE: Public Submission (8/1/2014 2:42:12 PM)
Does she expect you to tell your mother and your boss that she's your dominant? Because there's no reason for her to do that, when it will cause only negative repercussions for you. On the other hand, there are many things people do to express themselves that don't carry any risk. You could hold all the doors, hold her chair, order her drink, peel her straw, etc. Ultimately this is a compatibility issue. If you feel terribly uncomfortable doing this and she doesn't care, then I'm not sure she's the right person for you.

Admiresdommes -> RE: Public Submission (8/1/2014 3:19:05 PM)
Thank you for all of the comments. I may have misrepresented my post when I stated that she wants me to call her Ma'am in public. I was really using that as an example. My goal is to incorporate the lifestyle into our public life without advertising it. If others who practice D/s see through it so be it. This gives us the sense that it is truly a way of life without offending anyone or compromising my career. I hope that makes sense.

Gauge -> RE: Public Submission (8/1/2014 4:51:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Admiresdommes Thank you for all of the comments. I may have misrepresented my post when I stated that she wants me to call her Ma'am in public. I was really using that as an example. My goal is to incorporate the lifestyle into our public life without advertising it. If others who practice D/s see through it so be it. This gives us the sense that it is truly a way of life without offending anyone or compromising my career. I hope that makes sense. Example or not, you have gotten some good advice. There are no protocols that are demanded for subtle things that can be done in public. For instance, I may be out walking with my slut and holding her hand and I may squeeze it and hold her hand like that for a bit, and that way she knows that I am in control. There are ways to exert dominance that are not obvious.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Public Submission (8/2/2014 2:42:50 AM)
I have high protocol and low protocol, but I don't have no protocol.

orgasmdenial12 -> RE: Public Submission (8/2/2014 2:45:32 AM)
I personally don't involve non-consenting third parties in my play. For me this means that any overt displays of BDSM in public are a no-no. I'm still respectful, I still follow instructions and I'm still his slave, but I wouldn't call him Sir and I wouldn't expect him to call me slave or subbie. This is sometimes tricky as you can get so used to calling someone by a certain name. My online nickname is 'trouble' and it has been for years. Plenty of friends and boyfriends have exclusively called me that, so it's hard for them to switch off from it out in public - I sometimes even get introduced to their friends as 'trouble' or they will tell others 'I'm going round to trouble's for dinner', etc. However, saying it inadvertently is one thing, insisting on it is another. It would be a hard limit for me due to lack of consent in public but I guess you have to come to your own conclusion on it.

DaddySatyr -> RE: Public Submission (8/2/2014 3:26:05 AM)
I know it may just be an example but, calling her "Ma'am" in public shouldn't raise to many eyebrows (as far as I can tell). I don't refer to my lady as my "girlfriend". She's my lady. I don't get too many eyebrows raised at me. To be fair, when I say it, she and I both know that it "looks" like this: "my lady". If the situation were reversed, it would "look" like this: "my *lady". More generally, it can be very tricky in our society to maintain D/s protocols in public. People always attack what they don't understand so it's almost like volunteering to be ostracized. Your lady should understand this. I can tell you this: we've been in situations where someone says something about my needing to appease her in some way and she has flat-out told the person: "Oh, no. He's the boss." Because of the gynocentrists who seem to "control" politically correct thought, that has actually raised some eyebrows and I'm at a loss as to why. I think it's an interesting study in sociology but I gave up giving a rip what people think about me, long ago. To be fair, since we don't really engage in impact play, there's never any danger of any marks being visible so, people that have an issue with my being "in charge" who automatically want to start moaning and wailing about "abuse" really have no leg to stand on. I'm hoping that referring to her as your lady might be a bit of help but, I have some other advice, also: If you are comfortable in your own skin with who you are and how you conduct your relationships, there should be some* middle ground for the two of you to acquire. Is it really that big a deal if people know that she "wears the pants"? Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick! It's been going on (in some relationships) as long as I can remember. I would suggest that if the idea of people knowing this about you makes you uncomfortable, maybe it *isn't* a lifestyle for you. That's fine but it is something to consider before you go into a heavy conversation with her. Good luck. Screen captures *still* RULE! Ya feel me?

Admiresdommes -> RE: Public Submission (8/2/2014 8:59:21 AM)
Thank you all for the advice and it seems as though everyone is in agreement to some extent. Truthfully, I don't really care that others know she wears the pants but I guess I do care that they know I wear the dress. If that makes sense. I think the key for us will be "subtle." I do like the idea that I can send her the message that she is in charge without advertising it to everyone. Last night she insisted I wear panties as a subtle reminder to myself when we went out. Although Im sure she would never do it she did comment that if I got out of line she could order me to let our friends know what I had on. It is amazing the mindset it put me in right from the start of the evening.

InHisHeart -> RE: Public Submission (8/2/2014 9:18:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Admiresdommes I think the key for us will be "subtle." I do like the idea that I can send her the message that she is in charge without advertising it to everyone. Last night she insisted I wear panties as a subtle reminder to myself when we went out. Although Im sure she would never do it she did comment that if I got out of line she could order me to let our friends know what I had on. It is amazing the mindset it put me in right from the start of the evening. Be careful with thinking she won't do something she says she will do. I know Master would never humiliate me or discipline me in public and I know this because he told me he never would but he would save it for when we got home. He also never says he'll do X, Y or Z and then not follow through with it. I know what his rules are and I know I will be disciplined if I don't follow them. I would never think he's bluffing, I know him well enough to know he means what he says.

DesFIP -> RE: Public Submission (8/2/2014 9:44:54 AM)
I would also discuss with her that telling vanilla friends that you're wearing panties is a hard limit. Unless her purpose is to make sure you no longer have friends and a support system. And that when she threatens things that are unacceptable your choices are either to lose trust in her or not to believe what she says. And that neither of those is a good thing. Really, it sounds like you're both very new and could benefit from reading some nonfiction and from reading old threads about this.

CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: Public Submission (8/2/2014 2:58:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr Is it really that big a deal if people know that she "wears the pants"? Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick! It's been going on (in some relationships) as long as I can remember. This. Who "wears the pants" in the family isn't kinky, it's vanilla. My dad and stepfather wore the pants in the family, my paternal grandfather in his, one of my aunts, my cousin in hers, and my sister's husband in theirs. Seeing a person submitting to their spouse's will, or even saying "Yes, sir" or "Yes, ma'am"...is not the same thing as inflicting "kinky" and/or sexual activities on vanillas without their consent. I don't tie bo up and/or beat him in public. I don't whip out my strapon and use it in front of vanillas or my family either. I do expect him to defer to me and open doors and carry packages...nothing that would traumatize granny or someone's kids. Maybe my age is showing, but...my mother had to take back a dress or two, etc., to whatever store she purchased it from when my dad said she couldn't have it. (He was a butthead but that's not the point I'm trying to make.) For returns, the manager was called and it was common and acceptable for a woman to say "My husband told me to take this back". In other words, kinksters did not invent authority based relationships; vanillas did. [;)]

Killerangel -> RE: Public Submission (8/2/2014 3:31:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CynthiaWVirginia This. Who "wears the pants" in the family isn't kinky, it's vanilla. My dad and stepfather wore the pants in the family, my paternal grandfather in his, one of my aunts, my cousin in hers, and my sister's husband in theirs. Seeing a person submitting to their spouse's will, or even saying "Yes, sir" or "Yes, ma'am"...is not the same thing as inflicting "kinky" and/or sexual activities on vanillas without their consent. I don't tie bo up and/or beat him in public. I don't whip out my strapon and use it in front of vanillas or my family either. I do expect him to defer to me and open doors and carry packages...nothing that would traumatize granny or someone's kids. Maybe my age is showing, but...my mother had to take back a dress or two, etc., to whatever store she purchased it from when my dad said she couldn't have it. (He was a butthead but that's not the point I'm trying to make.) For returns, the manager was called and it was common and acceptable for a woman to say "My husband told me to take this back". In other words, kinksters did not invent authority based relationships; vanillas did. [;)] (color and italics are mine) Not picking on Cynthia, just the way she phrased things gave me something to say...it's not just vanillas and family that would prefer being out of the loop with private activities. Even though I'm kinky I wouldn't be down with witnessing other people have strap on sex unless i expressly go somewhere to see that. I'd be ok with kinky stuff most likely, but I really don't want to be a passive part of an audience of what gets others off when I'm not out looking specifically for that. To the OP, why not try out some chatting with your Dominant about possible scenarios and see what comes of the conversation? It would give you both a platform to see where you want to go with things and let you express what level you are prepared for everyone to see, and what you think should remain private.

GLY -> RE: Public Submission (8/2/2014 4:53:24 PM)
We go out in public all the time. However, what we share, we share privately. This lifestyle is not for everyone, and we have the responsibility to not offend anyone as we carry out our desires, fantasies and kinks. It is my responsibility to show my Master and Lady the respect they deserve, even when in public, and to never do anything that could cause them embarrassment. So, after many years, I learned how to show them my subservience when in public, but to do it in a way that would not make anyone around us uncomfortable.

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