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Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/5/2014 7:03:22 PM   
pussycatpussycat


Posts: 20
Joined: 1/15/2013
Status: offline 		I wasnt sure whether to post this in ask a submissive but thought that everyone could give their opinion.

I'm now a very experienced sub and for quite a few years now have been unable to mentally submit to a Dom unless he has had many years experience which is limiting when finding a Dom.
It just seems to be completely the wrong dynamic for a sub to be more experienced than the Dom (well....for me it seems to be the wrong dynamic... I hope I'm wrong).......I'm curious if there are others out there where the Dom has had a lot less experience than the sub....and its been a successful relationship.

Ive got a good friend who is having this problem, she just had a play session with an inexperienced Dom, she said he was lovely but he kept asking her if she was ok, if he was hitting too hard etc etc....he was caring but she didnt feel any mental submission.
Does anyone think its possible for that to change...that maybe mental submission could grow and happen when the Dom learns more?

Ive tried searching in these forums and what Ive found is that there have been inexperienced Dommes with experienced subs but havent found any male Dom with female subs who have had a lot more experience.....which seems strange...surely if a Domme can do it, then why not a male? ;)

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/5/2014 7:58:46 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		In the long run, what's more important to you? The thought of someone's claimed experience (do you ever really know 100% for sure?) or a fantastic connection with someone who is honest about his experience level that may/may not rival yours? In all honesty, I could boast about my nearly 20 years of doing this (which is true), but without documented and verifiable proof of my claim...how do you really know for sure?

I think that it's just as much a matter of your friend...or you...and how willing you are to open your mind to possibilitites you might have discounted. Just my honest opinion.

For me, the most important thing is that connection with a person. My situation is different than yours, so bare with me. For the vast majority of my time, I've been a solidly dominant female. I preferred dealing with experienced submissives, rather than novices. Two and a half years ago, I met my guy. He had over 20 years of dominant male experience, but zero experience as a submissive male...which was an avenue he was curious to explore. Had I stuck to my experienced only mentality, Id have never given him the time of day. I would have missed out on meeting the one who is the love of my lifetime if I did. Experience isn't always the best judge of character. Sometimes the willingness to learn of the person that means something.

If experienced only is your preference, it's your preference. You have to go with what makes you happy. Please read this in the spirit I intended...which is more thought provoking than criticizing you at all.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 8/5/2014 8:01:33 PM >

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/5/2014 8:23:55 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		We all start somewhere...even us dominants. My first submissive was new too. I'd read ...a lot. I'd talked to other dominants...a lot. I'd watched other dominants at play...a lot. That still didn't stop me from making mistakes in play, in guiding our relationship. Yet, somehow, newb and newb worked. And I gained experience.

Would it have worked better if I'd picked a submissive with more experience? Possibly. Or, she might have felt the same way inside as you, not only having problems (or slight "botherances") with my questions of concern during play. She might have had concerns about my ability to lead a D/s relationship and that maybe come through as resistance. The one thing I know for sure is I would have gained experience.

Now, it is 15 years into D/s for me. Would I want to start with someone brand new? For play, sure. And even within a very limited time-frame relationship, sure. But, I have to honestly say that I am not real sure that I could enter into a full-blown relationship with a submissive with no experience at all.

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/5/2014 8:32:27 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		My man was afraid to hurt me at first.
I have PTSD too and it took a lot of communication and long talks to get him to accept that I wasn't going to flip out or land in the ER. We're honestly still working on some things. And truely it is hard to resist "topping from the bottom" sometimes (and it had to happen sometimes, and I think its stupid to think that is any negative reflection on MY personality, because I was willing to give him a little instruction in the beginning...but if you're wildly insecure- I suppose it would matter more. I looked at it like "This person has never hit someone with a flogger before, sure he's researched- but I can guide him a bit so that neither of us end up hurt").

I was wayyyyyyyy more experienced than him, and I would say I still have a stronger interest than he does.

I'm bedroom only though. So your mileage my vary. I'm way more Maso/kinky/fetish driven than "submission" driven.

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/5/2014 8:53:23 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The Man had a fair bit of topping experience. But none in a power relationship. I had neither.
What we did have was an incredible connection, chemistry and love.

Even though he'd topped a lot of others, I was new to him. So he did still have to stop and check in with me, make sure it wasn't too much for me. Because his experience with others says nothing about my pain tolerance or what positions I like or dislike. We're not mind readers, doms or subs.

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/5/2014 9:32:50 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Give the poor guy who topped your friend a break. His first time topping her, and he checked in with her. He checked in too much for her liking - tough.

He's a Dom and HIS priority was ensuring she was okay. Sometimes chemistry happens, sometimes not. But putting the blame for poor play chemistry on him ain't fair. Not only that, but I bet that if they continued to play, he would learn her reactions and be able to top her better over time.

Also... topping is correlated with Domming but it is NOT the same thing.



_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/5/2014 10:23:36 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		Good points, Dark...

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/5/2014 10:26:35 PM   
pussycatpussycat


Posts: 20
Joined: 1/15/2013
Status: offline 		Thanks Trinity and I take it the way it was intended....all good points, ones which I have questioned myself on many times....Ive known I'm a sub now for about 15years...have been into kink all of my adult life (in those days I just had no idea about this world)....I would hope that with the right man, I would be able to submit but my brain isnt something that I can control who I submit to.
I just thought it might be an interesting subject to bring up and question others thoughts.

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/5/2014 10:36:45 PM   
pussycatpussycat


Posts: 20
Joined: 1/15/2013
Status: offline 		Steven, I really hope I didnt come across as critisizing my friends Dom? If so...it was unintended. She really likes him and is seeing him again, she just doesnt know if things can change mentally for her....she wants to feel the submission....and she wasnt complaining about him...I just asked her how the date went....thats all....and yes.....we have all been there...we had to start somewhere.
Ive been in the same situation a few times, have met some really nice guys but I havent felt any mental submission...there have been a couple who I have seen several times because I really did like them but there just wasnt that connection.

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/5/2014 10:56:32 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline 		You know, this is tough in a way. I totally agree with DarkSteven 100%, he honestly is usually right. It's uncanny. However I was going to not respond til you said you were not INTENDING to be judgmental. But we all judge in some way, right? A D is a D, inexperienced or not. Your friend wants to see him again which might indicate she had a great time. I think her mental block might be that he is inexperienced. She needs to see him as he is, a man and a D and focus less on the experience and more on the skill. He sounds pretty responsible for a newbie which is EXTREMELY encouraging. Now I have been a D pretty much all my life. It is a balancing act, because I need "outlets" for my nature or it trickles into places I don't want it to. This might not have been the case when I was a newbie. So I know there's a difference and how people evolve within the lifestyle. It doesn't mean experience creates anything hierarchical.
I have to say honestly, even with age difference though there is judgement. I indulged before I even lost my virginity vs some of these s types finding themselves YEARS after leading a vanilla existence, people do judge based on such things. Age, education, employment background...it's amazing the things that will allow a person to be deemed suitable or unsuitable as a D or s.
I have had subs try to undermine my intelligence because they think being "wiser" or "smarter" somehow gives them a one up on me. My sadism would lead me to discredit their perception.
This is an internal issue when you find yourself questioning a D based on experience. If it's your preference, it's your preference but I personally have found precisely for everything you are saying now pussycat that I prefer virgin subs. Because unfortunately subs often make a common mistake of judging their current D based on a previous one. "Well my D did it this way, my D did it that way". It is very incorrect to do such things and I admit my bias in such regard. I always ask s types why they are uncollared because if they indulged with pro's or fins that also would let me shy away a bit. I wouldn't categorically write them off but I already know some form of "reprogramming" has to be done if you will vs a blank canvas. You are right that your bias for more experienced D's do shut you off to other possibilities but that's your prerogative. I think a D learning his sub before whipping out the ball gags and eliminating safe words is good, your friend is in a safe place and hopefully she gives him a chance with no predisposed bias due to his lack of experience or she's fair enough to him to allow him to pursue someone who can appreciate his nature.
I'll be honest if my sub was mentally not there, it would be devastating for me. I think sometimes s types underestimate how much of ourselves we put into the time and planning etc for our subs. There's just so much energy that goes into being a D, experienced or not.

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 8/5/2014 10:57:00 PM >

_____________________________

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/6/2014 2:47:16 AM   
shouldiQmark


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/2/2014
Status: offline 		This is my exact dilemma.

I'm very new to this whole concept, but I know enough to know that I'm dominant. Part of me thinks that I would prefer an equally inexperienced sub, so that we could learn and grow together. But on the other hand wonder if connecting with an experienced sub would fast track the learning curve.

Would the former result long term in a stronger relationship because we've both experienced the journey together? Would the latter result in several short term relationships in which I learn more and more each time, standing me in good stead when I finally meet 'the one'.

I've tentatively dipped my toe in with online connections, and have made some terrible mistakes which ended the exchange. Errors in language, what to call my sub, tasks I've set. But I'm not one to give up easily - I've overcome stuff in my life that would finish others - and education, experience, knowledge, challenges, that's what fulfilment is all about in my opinion.

Mark.

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/6/2014 2:54:50 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pussycatpussycat
<snip>
I'm curious if there are others out there where the Dom has had a lot less experience than the sub....and its been a successful relationship.

Ive got a good friend who is having this problem, she just had a play session with an inexperienced Dom, she said he was lovely but he kept asking her if she was ok, if he was hitting too hard etc etc....he was caring but she didnt feel any mental submission.
Does anyone think its possible for that to change...that maybe mental submission could grow and happen when the Dom learns more?

Ive tried searching in these forums and what Ive found is that there have been inexperienced Dommes with experienced subs but havent found any male Dom with female subs who have had a lot more experience.....which seems strange...surely if a Domme can do it, then why not a male? ;)

When I was married, my husband and I had similar experience and inexperience levels. Being older than me, he was more experienced sexually in some ways, in others I had to show him the ropes, but he was (vanilla-)kinkier than I was. We grew together over the years from bedroom D/s role-playing to a D/s relationship dynamic in all areas of life.

My last sub had more BD(SM) experience but not D/s. He had only had one real-time Mistress before me; I had had 2 subs before him. (Well, technically 3, but I don't count the one right before him whom I had ended up collaring for just one night and had to let go due to his sudden, extreme passivity that drove me to utter exasperation.) I learned a lot from my sub, and he never once made me feel that there was a power imbalance in our relationship because I was willing to let him suggest and show me things.

Your friend is fortunate to have a caring and considerate Dom. If he weren't interested in getting constant feedback from a new play partner, I'd be very concerned. It would be cause for alarm, as a matter of fact.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
<snip>
I have had subs try to undermine my intelligence because they think being "wiser" or "smarter" somehow gives them a one up on me.

... I prefer virgin subs. Because unfortunately subs often make a common mistake of judging their current D based on a previous one. "Well my D did it this way, my D did it that way". It is very incorrect to do such things and I admit my bias in such regard.

OMG, shades of the never-been-married slave with 20-30 years total experience, who is stuck on the protocols observed by his previous 3-4 Mistresses. (Who usually can't get it up anymore either )

I can't say I prefer them without any experience in submission, though. It's tricky trying to find that workable, much less seamless, balance.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

I always ask s types why they are uncollared because if they indulged with pro's or fins that also would let me shy away a bit. I wouldn't categorically write them off but I already know some form of "reprogramming" has to be done if you will vs a blank canvas. You are right that your bias for more experienced D's do shut you off to other possibilities but that's your prerogative.
<snip>

Same here. Deprogramming & reprogramming is such a hassle for these menu-driven subs and/or bottoms. Many of the so-called Dominant women they've hired aren't even Dommes, just service Tops, and these men have twisted ass-backwards concepts of what a D/s dynamic entails or why they should devote themselves to one Mistress as an owned/collared sub, they've grown so accustomed to having their kinks & fetishes catered to. They genuinely believe that lifestyle Dommes should cater to their neediness... at their convenience.

[Edited for emoticons]

< Message edited by FieryOpal -- 8/6/2014 3:39:57 AM >

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/6/2014 4:08:14 AM   
Nightster1942


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/5/2014
Status: offline 		If you would like a long term relationship with this Dom...you as his sub should be open to give all he needs....A Dom and Sub both give to create this relationship, a Dom gives by commanding, a Sub gives by serving his command...if you think that your Dom needs or should know more..than what you are saying is that he needs to understand the needs of his sub more so he can best serve her and Yes by commanding the Dom serves his sub...I suggest that you sit at his feet naked, lay your head in his lap and tell him what you desire him to do / what you need him to do. This will help build the relationship between the two of you and help him understand what you need as a submissive woman...it really depends on what you want from the relationship...Every Dom needs a teacher, I was 20 and my sub was 26 and yes she was experienced and basically trained me to be her Dom, she opened me up to a whole new world. And yes I loved it..
...Nightster1942...

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/6/2014 5:11:59 AM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline 		A Dom and sub who are new to each other regardless of how much experience or lack of experience they have, they're still inexperienced with each other and they need to learn about each other.

I see him asking her if she's ok and if he's hitting too hard as a good thing, he's learning about her, where her pain tolerance level is.

I've been in the lifestyle for 30 years but only had one Dom before my current Master. I was with my former for over 20 years, I'm with Master for 7 years now. He's been in it for about 20 years, he had 3 subs before me, 2 play partners, he was in one live-in 24/7 relationship. If you go by how many years we've been doing this, you can say we're experienced but how experienced we are is only based on what we have with each other and what we had previously.

When Master and I first got together, he always checked with me to make sure I was ok. I would be very leery of a Dom that didn't check in with the sub so he can learn where her pain tolerance level is. Master had me tell him on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), where I was with different forms of pain sensation play. I'm more maso than his previous sub was, what would be a 3 on the scale for me was a 7 on the scale for his previous and that's something he needed to know. It took him time to become comfortable with my level to where he didn't have to always ask if I'm ok.

Outside of the bedroom, Master is more strict than my former was and that's something we both had to work on together. We were both experienced living 24/7 D/s but we were inexperienced living it with each other. It became frustrating at times for both of us, we were both accustomed to the way we were in the past, we had to make adjustments that fit us well. That took understanding each other, patience with each other and a whole LOT of communication.

You ask if the mental submission can grow, it might, it might not, time will tell. For me the mental submission depends on the emotional connection I have with the Dom, not with his level of experience.

_____________________________

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/6/2014 7:17:16 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pussycatpussycat

Steven, I really hope I didnt come across as critisizing my friends Dom? If so...it was unintended. She really likes him and is seeing him again, she just doesnt know if things can change mentally for her....she wants to feel the submission....and she wasnt complaining about him...I just asked her how the date went....thats all....and yes.....we have all been there...we had to start somewhere.
Ive been in the same situation a few times, have met some really nice guys but I havent felt any mental submission...there have been a couple who I have seen several times because I really did like them but there just wasnt that connection.



Excellent.

Note that as the sub, she can give him feedback. If she wants to speed up the process of him getting to know her, she can and should tell him that she can take quite a bit, she can and will safeword if it gets to be too much - reassure him that he won't break her soon.

It sounds like they're in the getting-to-know-you stage. What's happening is good.

Regarding your situation - yeah. I sometimes don't like the word "submissive" applied to people because it defines a person when in fact a sub can only be a sub with someone he or she feels submissive to - it needs to be brought out. If you slap a sub together with a Dom/me, there's no connection guaranteed.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to pussycatpussycat)
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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/6/2014 11:24:45 AM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline 		I believe that there is a small bit of confusion about the difference between a submissives connection to a dominant and the experience of the dominant relative to the inability of the sub to feel submissive. Connection is the relationship part of the experience and that carries all the basic weight that any relationship and the required chemistry would carry normally. Frankly, the experience of the dominant while it may be lacking does not have to interfere with connection, unless of course you are dealing with ineptitude which could ruin the experience altogether. Being inept is different than lack of experience.

In the case you presented the submissive is having trouble based on the fact that the dominant is being attentive and asking questions. I fail to see where that attentiveness is a bad thing especially where two people have never played before. My slut is basically completely new to BDSM, and while she has held an interest for many years, I am her first dominant. I am attentive to her and I ask her how she is doing and if she is OK all the time, this is just the way I am. I have got to learn what she can handle and what she cannot handle and the only way for me to do that is to check on her. For example, the very first time I placed her in a leather hood, I didn't tie it or strap it because I had no idea how she would react and if it needed to come off, I wanted to be able to get it off of her quickly. A few times using it and I am able to put it on her and tie it and strap it and make it snug... and I still make certain she is OK. Yes, she can safeword or make gestures, but it is my responsibility as a dominant and a sensible human being to make sure she is not in distress.

The very first submissive I ever played with had a decade or more experience in BDSM. We talked for hours before I laid a finger on her, we talked about limits and all the safety aspects as well as her likes and dislikes. I asked her about certain things that I knew nothing about and I asked her to guide me so I could maximize her experience. Yes folks, I was mentored by a submissive. Le Gasp. She never once wavered in her submission to me and she really enjoyed the fact that she was helping me learn. We played often and as I grew in my confidence I needed less of her guidance. My point? My inexperience had nothing whatsoever to do with my dominance, it had everything to do with my experience.

I think your friend going back means that this guy did not do poorly and in fact, may have connected in some way with your friend. I would tell your friend to understand the difference between dominance and inexperience in BDSM technique. I would encourage her to do whatever she can to help the guy along in development. I realize that this goes both ways, but there is a great deal of pressure on an inexperienced dominant... even on experienced ones, and it would not take much to shatter someone's confidence and make them question themselves enough to give up pursuing BDSM. Before the subs get all uppity, let me explain that I realize that submissives are vulnerable to the same thing. Encourage your friend to communicate, have her suggest he do a lot of reading and research. Tell her that he is merely being prudent in monitoring her, and if that bothers her, to give the guy a break. Tell her that if his attending to her well being bothers her, she could explain that she understands safewords and that he does not need to be as concerned... but I would not discourage him from being interactive, this really could not be looked upon as a bad thing. Of course, that is a general statement (which I usually avoid), but if it means the difference between someone that cares and someone that just wants to do whatever he wants and doesn't give a shit if he injures someone, I would take the caring person every time.

I do wish your friend and her new found partner the very best.

Edited for a serious vocabulary fail.

< Message edited by Gauge -- 8/6/2014 11:31:10 AM >

_____________________________

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/6/2014 11:50:13 AM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shouldiQmark

This is my exact dilemma.

I'm very new to this whole concept, but I know enough to know that I'm dominant. Part of me thinks that I would prefer an equally inexperienced sub, so that we could learn and grow together. But on the other hand wonder if connecting with an experienced sub would fast track the learning curve.

Would the former result long term in a stronger relationship because we've both experienced the journey together? Would the latter result in several short term relationships in which I learn more and more each time, standing me in good stead when I finally meet 'the one'.

I've tentatively dipped my toe in with online connections, and have made some terrible mistakes which ended the exchange. Errors in language, what to call my sub, tasks I've set. But I'm not one to give up easily - I've overcome stuff in my life that would finish others - and education, experience, knowledge, challenges, that's what fulfilment is all about in my opinion.

Mark.


Do a lot of reading, as much as you can get your hands on. Stickied at the top of the General BDSM section is a suggested reading thread. The more you can understand concepts and techniques, the more equipped you are to handle yourself with a submissive. Of course, reading about it is one thing, having a human to experience it with is another.

Whether it is better to have an inexperienced sub or an experienced one would depend on the submissive and your attitude. I don't think that either one would be a bad choice if you both were honest with each other and were willing to make the journey together. Some subs want absolutely nothing to do with inexperienced dominants. Others do not have that reservation and have had varying degrees of good and bad experiences accordingly. Let's not forget one thing, you are talking about relationships, so before you even begin to think along the lines of BDSM, you should have some sort of connection or chemistry. The bottom line is communication and the more you are able to discuss things the better your experience will be overall. Learning how to do certain things is not difficult, and you appear to have a good head on your shoulders and the right attitude. Be yourself, the rest will fall into place.

Best of luck!

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/6/2014 12:22:54 PM   
BecomingV


Posts: 916
Joined: 11/11/2013
Status: offline 		pussycat -

One of the first Doms I met in R/L, from this site, had partnered with a much more experienced, female submissive. His submissive introduced him to a Domme, who taught him topping skills. The Domme got to play with his submissive, he got to learn through experience with his own submissive, and the submissive got some serious subspace time while her Dom got better at topping her. So, that option allowed for an overlap of topping, and Dominance, because he choose to remedy the disparity, by letting another person top her. She obeyed.

What worked for them, may not work for others, because it involved a third party who was physically involved.

Another option is to learn at clubs, by watching and by asking questions and by playing.

At the heart of your question is the idea that a Dominant needs to be "more than" the submissive, right? Other examples are: taller, richer, smarter, stronger, etc... So, I think that the answer to your question is going to vary according to the priorities and preferences of the person answering the question. In short, it depends...

However, I do want to caution against confusing dominance with either sadism or topping. The man you depict as not being in charge because he has to ask a lot of questions, sounds like a Dominant, to me, because he is showing the basic skills of a Dominant:

1) Aware of consent
2) Taking responsibility for the effect of his actions (topping) on the submissive
3) Clearly understands that communication and feedback are required to be a responsible Top
4) Displays healthy self-esteem as reflected in his willingness to learn topping skills in front of others

With this bit of limited knowledge, I'm going to say, "This man is GOLD!"

That being said, that doesn't mean he's a good "fit" for everyone. But, I can say that a "know-it-all" is for no one - and in BDSM, can be downright dangerous and harmful. For that reason, the need to separate the fantasy from reality is heightened. Sometimes, the desire to think of men (in vanilla life) as Knights in Shining Armor seeps into the BDSM community and sounds much like the desire to couple with a superior (as opposed to, a Dominant). I'd be more worried about a person who thought of Dominants as superior, than a person who thought of Dominants, as skilled Tops. Both are false assumptions.)

< Message edited by BecomingV -- 8/6/2014 12:26:51 PM >

(in reply to pussycatpussycat)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/6/2014 5:28:54 PM   
pussycatpussycat


Posts: 20
Joined: 1/15/2013
Status: offline 		I wasnt asking about the man my friend is seeing.....I used him as an example of several (many? lol) men I have met in the past.....maybe its the age range we are in, me my late 40's, her, early 50's.....there are a lot of men in our age range who are new to bdsm, they have been vanilla married for many years, now divorced and have been fantsizing about bdsm for a long while.
Ok.....years ago, I met up with a Dom who'd been vanilla married, now single and exploring..... and had some experience...I really liked him....the kink was fun BUT there was no mental submission....I saw him a few times and didnt know why I couldnt mentally submit...I did some analysing and realised that he was doing play which he thought I wanted for my enjoyment.....now I know Doms do do some things the sub wants but its because they are eliciting a response for their enjoyment, not for hers...
I'm a sub...I like to please, I love knowing my Dom is getting enjoyment out of using me for his pleasure....when he does things which make my body buzz...its because its what HE wants...not because its what I want......I hope I'm explaining myself?

I used to hope that when I was inexperienced, I could meet the Dom I could grow and learn with but it didnt work out that way....I'm not stubborn and set in my ways...Ive found that I change depending on the Dom I am seeing.....what was great with one, then pales and disappears from my mind when seeing another.
I dont think there is any 'true' Dom or sub...it all depends on what everyone is searching for but for me....its the mental submission which drives me and thats a completely different mind set than kink.....which thus far I have found that a lot of the inexperienced Doms dont know the difference.....but can they learn? And can a sub change where once she didnt have the mental connection, change so that she does?

Hence why my original question





< Message edited by pussycatpussycat -- 8/6/2014 5:30:52 PM >

(in reply to BecomingV)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/6/2014 6:48:13 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

If I can learn to embrace submission to my guy (Im the furthest thing from a submissive type), I believe a person with a willing heart can learn to embrace their dominance. If I can embrace a mental submission to him that I didn't even know I had in me at all, it isn't a stretch to think that others can experience it as well given the right circumstance with the right person they click with. I totally believe an inexperienced dominant can learn to master their craft dominance-wise. They just need an environment in which they can learn and someone who will give them a chance.

However if your mind isn't into an inexperienced person, does it really matter what the answer is? And I'm totally of the belief that there is nothing wrong at all with the way you feel. You have to go with what works for you.

As to your question about whether a submissive can change the way they feel...well, only you can really answer that for yourself based on how you think and feel.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 8/6/2014 6:50:40 PM >

(in reply to pussycatpussycat)
Profile   Post #: 20
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