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PandoraFoxxx -> RE: Reasonable Expectations (9/23/2014 7:36:26 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant
quote:
ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
~ FR ~
I guess I'll go on record then, as a non-submissive, that I know I need my Significant Other. Not just want, not just desire, but need--and emotionally, I need for him to need me.
It's one of those things you try to fight perhaps at different times in your life (especially when I was younger). You want to think of yourself as independent, as if being loved and loving others is an option. It isn't. At least not with me. I need it as much as I need air to breathe, food and water for physical sustenance.
When you're married, you might not be as aware of your more vulnerable needs. You are, but you aren't as much with the ones that are getting filled or met. I have kids, I have pets, I have close friends. They can only fill a portion of my psychological needs. Being in a non-D/s relationship dynamic with a partner would also not fill many of my needs. I recognize them as needs and not merely as elective wants that I could take or leave. And in large part, it is because I do recognize and acknowledge this about myself that I can value my Significant Other all the more.[sm=2cents.gif]
Well babe, it was bound to happen, but we are finally of different minds on a topic.
I'm in control of every aspect of my life. I've always been anti-social, we'll go with anti-social, it's not entirely accurate, but we'll go that way because an anomaly would beg too much explanation. There is no aspect of my life that I do not control, financial, domestic, health, entertainment, blah blah blah. I cook better than most, clean more thoroughly than most, and do not need anyone to take on or over any aspect of my life. My life has been structured to cater to my needs, and I cater to my needs. I make the entire bed, but the idea of making half of it is kind of exciting.
There is nothing, no part of my life that I need a /s for. I do want her, and knowing that she is with me because I want her, have no dependence on her, that it is simply the pleasure of her in my life that keeps her in my life should be a profound statement of her value to me. Me knowing that she is with me because she wants me and doesn't need me, would be quite profound to me. I want to be the prize, not life support, I want to be a partner, not an appendage, and I want the same of her, her to be my prize and partner. For not one moment that she is in my life will she ever be able to question my want of her. I have a "girl time" rule, I get 20 minutes a day that she is exclusive to me, sans distraction, she's in my lap and I will shower her in my want for her.
I'm not needy and that comes with some assurances in itself (bear in mind I am poly and "her" infers them):
Fidelity: I don't need to bolster my ego by poking my doink in anyone but her.
Honesty: Not needing her precludes fear of loosing her, and I will not compromise my values by lying... about anything. It will always be what it is, how it is, and not manipulated, distorted, or omitted... names will not be changed to protect the innocent.
Loyalty: It sounds suspiciously like the above, but I am loyal to the bone once that loyalty is earned. I will stand with her, right or wrong, to the end. However, if she's wrong, she'll hear about it, but I'll still stand with her.
Some people have wondered where an /s fits within my selfish, self centered, my way or highway plan. She stands with me, beside me, not behind, beneath, or ahead. I have a life for her to join, I'm not joining her in her life. As most of you know, I am on the mainland waiting... my parents are on palliative care and I've been burying family member, 13 of them, for the last three years. It has been a rough go and I've been doing it alone. It hasn't been 13 people wasting away in a hospital... what brought me back here was my aunt was murdered three years ago, and the other 12 have been a mixture of sudden death and expiration dates, mostly sudden, shocking, and out of the blue. I do have a pretty fucked up life, right now, but I will go home at some point, and want a girl that I want to go with me. All things considered, the time for me to "need" someone has been the last three years. I'm at a point now where I am past grief and need of comfort. After my brother was killed I got pretty numb, now I just accept death and ask who I make the check out to.
Jus sayin
I agree with Firey on this one.
It seems to me that you might be who equating "needing" something with somehow being incomplete/not in control of the controllable parts of their lives - let's be honest here, there are a lot of things in life that no one can possibly ever have control over, but I digress. I find this grossly misdirected way of thinking on the term "need" as it pertains to relationships. Ok, we get it, one doesn't "need" an s or a D in the same way one needs water, or food; but that does not mean that because one will physically suffer and rot away without something they do not "need" it to survive.
I also believe that sometimes we do not realize that we "need" something until we experience it in its ideal and unaltered state - or for some, after we have experienced it and it has gone from us. Similarly to "needing" to be in a D/s relationship. Do we all really "NEED" D/s? No. Of course we don't need it. We want it. But we equate the desire for it with a need because to us, it is something we feel we can not live fully without - even though we really can survive just fine.
On the s side of things, why on earth would I want to give every piece of myself to someone who does not feel they need me, even in the smallest sense of the word? I don't, and I'm willing to bet neither does any other s worth his/her salt that you would really want. [:)]
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