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Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/20/2014 2:28:01 PM

Born2BBound72

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/16/2014
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Ok here's another question, based on true life events:
In my last relationship, I was expected to have "full disclosure" sessions on a weekly basis, either in person, or by handing in my daily journals on a weekly basis. I didn't have a problem with that, because one of my big issues was that I found it difficult to share myself in deep, meaningful ways. At the same time, my Dom was like a closed casket, and getting him to reveal anything about himself was like pulling teeth. I felt that my limited knowledge of him was a huge impediment to my service, as I believe a good servant should be able to anticipate the needs of whomever she serves and meet them before being asked.
So do you feel that a Master/Dom should divulge as much about himself as he expects his sub/slave to divulge about herself? (please excuse my gender preference. I'm actually posing the questions about any TPE D/s, or M/s relationship, no matter what the gender composition.)

Post #: 1

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/20/2014 3:03:17 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

So do you feel that a Master/Dom should divulge as much about himself as he expects his sub/slave to divulge about herself?

Yes

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Born2BBound72)

Post #: 2

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/20/2014 3:33:12 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Born2BBound72

So do you feel that a Master/Dom should divulge as much about himself as he expects his sub/slave to divulge about herself?

Why should he?

As a Dom, it's my responsibility to know what to ask, what not to ask, what to disclose, and what not to disclose. Obviously, I need to know all my sub's triggers, etc., so I can avoid them.

I suppose I'm not sure what the purpose of nondisclosure is. Why would I withhold something or allow my sub to do so? Without understanding that, I don't know why a disclosure-equitable situation would or would not be desirable.

Obviously, hiding something like STD status or married status would be wrong 100%. But I could see someone not wanting to disclose a past abortion, etc.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Born2BBound72)

Post #: 3

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/20/2014 3:33:46 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

Yes.

My guy suffers in silence sometimes. I pry it out of him.
Basically, its not something I'd accept in a vanilla relationship, I won't accept it from someone just because its BDSM.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 4

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/20/2014 3:57:31 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Why should he?

are you serious?

Perhaps the better question should be

"If I am required to be 'transparent' and to open myself up to another so that a relationship can develop...then why is it wrong to ask the same in return?'

Relationships are two way streets. I don't care if you are a self proclaimed Dominant, a submissive, a self proclaimed Master, or a slave...it's still a two way street. Information should always flow both ways.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 5

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/20/2014 4:15:03 PM

Born2BBound72

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/16/2014
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Who wants to serve a stranger? What does it benefit him to be all dark and mysterious? That's not sexy, that would terrify the life out of me to live with someone who expected to know me inside and out but chose to tell me very little about himself. How does that support a sub/slave in service? I had a Dom with a "why should I" mentality, and it turned out that he was a pathological liar. Thank my lucky stars that no one has ever been able to pull the wool over my eyes for very long. It's like my guardian angel drops information right into my lap at just the right time. I just know that in the future, I won't have so much as a cup of coffee with a Dom/Master unless he answers as many of my personal questions as he asks.
Why should he? Because if he accidentally kills me during a play scene, I want my people and the police to be able to follow the bread crumb trail back to jis John Brown hind parts. Perhaps this type of Dominant believes that knowledge is power, and in handing over information about himself, he's giving away his power, but that would mean he's insecure, and who wants to be led by someone that's insecure? I've been in leadership positions before, and I would never ask anyone in my charge to do something that I have not done, or am not willing to do. That's hypocrisy, another trait that's not desirable for someone who wants to be in charge.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 6

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/20/2014 4:48:24 PM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Born2BBound72

I was expected to have "full disclosure" sessions
I found it difficult to share myself in deep, meaningful ways.
getting him to reveal anything about himself was like pulling teeth.
I felt that my limited knowledge of him was a huge impediment to my service,

In my relationship, we've learned things about each other in a much less structured way, meaning our
knowledge of each other developed as the relationship progressed, not the other way around.
I have never had to drag any info out of him, and like you, would feel uncomfortable if I had to.

At the same time, I would have an issue sharing of myself in the way you have with someone I had limited
knowledge of, and in actuality, it does seem as though you were willingly in service to a stranger.
Perhaps going forward, hold off on full anything until you find someone that is more compatible to your
relationship needs.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Born2BBound72)

Post #: 7

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/20/2014 4:52:34 PM

Born2BBound72

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/16/2014
Status: offline

quote:

I just know that in the future, I won't have so much as a cup of coffee with a Dom/Master unless he answers as many of my personal questions as he asks.

@poise I just reposted the quote from my second comment. Lesson learned, I'm probably overly cautious now, but it beats the alternative.

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 8

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/20/2014 5:36:53 PM

DerangedUnit

Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

I've found that doms that refuse to say anything about themselves are scared. They don't want you to be able to poke holes in what they say because they know that is what they are trying to do with you.

I've never had a sharing problem, the opposite really. I am a completely open book and everyone that knows me knows way more about me than they probably should. I'm one of those no filter people. And I long ago learned I can't hide things so why try. So on the flip side people have so much information about me they don't know how to deal with it and it ends up confusing them.

It took me a long time to find someone with the same communication style but since doing so I can't even consider anything else.

I never have had to drag information out of someone... in person I have some weird vibe that makes strangers want to spill their guts to me. The strong silent types usually end up playing catch up, going ooh ooh listen to what happened to me.

Last 'vanilla' date I went on started quiet and within 20 minutes he was telling me about his bout in prison for knocking up a 15 year old.

I don't really care about words, or if people listen to me. Nothing was ever solved by talking it's just a fun way to pass the time and that's how I go about relationships too. I don't take people too seriously and they don't take me too seriously and we judge each other by actions instead... drives most people bonkers. But there is something about not completely knowing if someone is joking or serious when they say "I'm trying to decide whether to leave you to my son or my friend in my will" that makes it more fun.

I prefer knowing just enough to stay confused and tread that line between terrified and roleplay. And they can do the same.

(in reply to Born2BBound72)

Post #: 9

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/20/2014 6:42:59 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
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Just as a general rule, expecting full disclosure invites the same in kind between two people. You can't expect instant intimacy, and there are pushy people (whether they are a Dominant or not) who will strive to know everything about you while being secretive about themselves. We are all entitled to maintain our personal boundaries, and it would mean more to me to have someone trust me enough to confide in me of his or her own volition. But then there are other times when things should remain on a Need to Know Basis, and it would serve no practical bonding purpose to dredge up the past, depending on the scope of the relationship or budding friendship. If in doubt, however, IMO it's best to disclose personal information which might be pertinent, rather than to withhold it.

I'd like to believe that my life is an open book, but if I feel uncomfortable discussing a particularly private matter, then I'll say so. There are times when another might put the cart before the horse, so a Dominant may choose to set the pace of the relationship. In simple vanilla courtship rituals, the woman could decide to set the pace by either putting the brakes on or by encouraging her suitor further, regardless of which side of the kneel she is on. Nobody has been collared as of yet or made any exclusive commitments. If you find yourself dealing with a Dominant who keeps pulling out the Dom/meliness card as a reason for being less than open and transparent with you, and you wouldn't accept this sort of behavior in anybody else under ordinary circumstances, then that individual probably isn't the right Dominant to offer your submission to.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Born2BBound72)

Post #: 10

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/20/2014 6:49:59 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I didn't look to serve somebody. I looked for friendship and love. And I'm incapable of being vulnerable to someone who can't do that in return.

Beyond that, people who are closed to intimacy do that out of fear. I can't follow someone who makes his decisions based on fear. I don't find that to be good decision making criteria.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 11

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/20/2014 7:22:15 PM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Born2BBound72

Ok here's another question, based on true life events:
In my last relationship, I was expected to have "full disclosure" sessions on a weekly basis, either in person, or by handing in my daily journals on a weekly basis. I didn't have a problem with that, because one of my big issues was that I found it difficult to share myself in deep, meaningful ways. At the same time, my Dom was like a closed casket, and getting him to reveal anything about himself was like pulling teeth. I felt that my limited knowledge of him was a huge impediment to my service, as I believe a good servant should be able to anticipate the needs of whomever she serves and meet them before being asked.
So do you feel that a Master/Dom should divulge as much about himself as he expects his sub/slave to divulge about herself? (please excuse my gender preference. I'm actually posing the questions about any TPE D/s, or M/s relationship, no matter what the gender composition.)

I feel its none of my business.

You two work it out.

(in reply to Born2BBound72)

Post #: 12

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/20/2014 9:03:25 PM

Born2BBound72

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/16/2014
Status: offline

@Musicmystery that relationship is as dead as Elvis. I was asking as a matter of opinion. I was wondering if Doms/Masters share as much of themselves with their subs/slaves as they require. I wouldn't get relationship advice from strangers on the Interweb. That's what my mentors are for. This was merely an exercise in interacting with people, and seeing what the general mindset might be.

(in reply to Musicmystery)

Post #: 13

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/21/2014 6:32:25 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

I get it.

And what I'll repeat is that there isn't a cookie-cutter do this list.

When its no longer hypothetical, I will feel it's none of my business, and that it's for you two to work out.

You asked for opinions. That's mine.

Don't like the water, don't come to the well.

(in reply to Born2BBound72)

Post #: 14

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/21/2014 9:42:26 AM

Born2BBound72

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/16/2014
Status: offline

Well since I know how to eat the meat and spit out the bones, I'll place your curt answers in the circular file.

(in reply to Musicmystery)

Post #: 15

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/21/2014 10:01:06 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

So much for wanting opinions.

Bye now.

(in reply to Born2BBound72)

Post #: 16

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/21/2014 10:07:11 AM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Born2BBound72

So do you feel that a Master/Dom should divulge as much about himself as he expects his sub/slave to divulge about herself? (please excuse my gender preference. I'm actually posing the questions about any TPE D/s, or M/s relationship, no matter what the gender composition.)

In my relationship, I am an open book, and so is my slut. It works very well for us because we harbor no secrets, and have agreed to share what is on our minds. In my mind, communication is vital to a relationship if that is what you seek. Having it be a one-way street will eventually cause problems.

People are different, what works for one might not work for someone else. Frankly, being a dominant or a submissive has little to do with much of anything if it is a relationship that you seek with someone. The BDSM side of things will only improve with better communication. Just my opinion.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Born2BBound72)

Post #: 17

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/21/2014 10:27:04 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

Why should he?

are you serious?

Perhaps the better question should be

"If I am required to be 'transparent' and to open myself up to another so that a relationship can develop...then why is it wrong to ask the same in return?'

Relationships are two way streets. I don't care if you are a self proclaimed Dominant, a submissive, a self proclaimed Master, or a slave...it's still a two way street. Information should always flow both ways.

Yes, I am. Her question asked if the amount of information divulged should be equal. To my mind, that sets up pointless arguments about who's divulged more and what "equal" means.

I prefer that each one divulge what's best in the Dom's eyes, taking comfort and necessity into account. If the Dom's trusted with the relationship, he/she should be trusted with this as well.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 18

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/21/2014 1:43:52 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

I think the point is, DS- although I can't speak for OP-

if he knows everything about her, should she not feel entitled to know at least a bit more about him.
Is it ok if she asks for more communication if she needs it or are subs expected to compromise on this all the time?

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 19

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/21/2014 2:47:32 PM

luxey2511

Posts: 33
Joined: 10/17/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

Why should he?

are you serious?

Perhaps the better question should be

"If I am required to be 'transparent' and to open myself up to another so that a relationship can develop...then why is it wrong to ask the same in return?'

Relationships are two way streets. I don't care if you are a self proclaimed Dominant, a submissive, a self proclaimed Master, or a slave...it's still a two way street. Information should always flow both ways.

Yes, I am. Her question asked if the amount of information divulged should be equal. To my mind, that sets up pointless arguments about who's divulged more and what "equal" means.

I prefer that each one divulge what's best in the Dom's eyes, taking comfort and necessity into account. If the Dom's trusted with the relationship, he/she should be trusted with this as well.

if it were my relationship, i'd consider those conditions to make for a pretty crappy relationship. that's what this is for me first and foremost...a relationship. sure he's in charge but only insofar as i can trust him and i couldn't trust a man who wasn't emotionally intimate with me which, in my opinion, includes sharing hopes, dreams, feelings. i would refuse to be vulnerable to a man who was emotionally walled off.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 20

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