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kind of a crossdresser - 10/28/2014 2:33:01 PM   
switchitupper


Posts: 8
Joined: 10/24/2014
Status: offline 		So I am new to all of this and one of my fetishes is crossdressing. I've never fully crossed but I have worn panties and yoga pants and I find them amazing! I was just wondering how would/should I address this with a possible mistress.
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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 10/28/2014 6:52:19 PM   
DarkSteven


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Status: offline 		I'd suggest waiting until she brings up kinks. Question - if she did, would that be your sole kink, or would there be thers?

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 10/28/2014 7:33:20 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		Only you can determine how important this is to your self-expression and how firmly engrained into your psyche this fetish is. I'm not saying there anything wrong with it, but contrary to what might be presumed by some, a lot of Dommes don't like cross-dressing subs. In fact, it may even be a deal breaker. The reason why is twofold. These Dommes (like myself, except this isn't a deal breaker for me anymore) want a male sub partner who is totally straight. I might be open-minded, but when it comes to my partner, I don't want there to be a shadow of a doubt that he is monogamous, will be faithful & devoted to me exclusively, and that the thought of getting it on with other men & women is completely foreign to his nature. Also, it's not a turn on. The panties I could tolerate on an ultra-rare occasion; I'd rather see my sub in a sexy-looking codpiece.

Secondly, there is a tendency with cross-dressing subs to be self-absorbed (which conflicts with the submissive orientation of seeking to please one's partner before oneself, another problem with fetishists also where their self-gratification basically comes first), and/or want sissification or "forced" feminization (and this still is a Hard Limit for me because I want a masculine-acting sub). This is a major turn-off for me and for many other Dommes. There are Dommes who do get into that sort of thing, but even then, to a limited extent as you've described. Many of them are for-hire. There are certain kinks & fetishes which are good for business and don't require a BDSM provider to have sex with her client or where she can skirt the issue of physical sexual contact. Most fetishes also happen to be male-driven because most fetishists are male.

I had a discussion about this recently with a former cross-dresser. Well, he claims he doesn't do it anymore. I let him in on a little secret. Some of us want to keep this tool at our disposal in our toolbox for disciplinary purposes. A sub who gets into this just won't work because he won't find it the least bit humiliating. (Not that we find it humiliating, actually more amusing in this sense, but he would have to view it as such.) Being made to wear ladies' undergarments would have to be a Dislike or a Soft(er) Limit of his. Another male sub friend who also used to cross-dress suggested that I could use this as part of a reward system, and I told him I had thought about doing so if I were considering a sub who is otherwise perfect for me. He would have be exceptionally suitable in every other way for me to make this accommodation.

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 10/28/2014 8:11:47 PM   
switchitupper


Posts: 8
Joined: 10/24/2014
Status: offline 		Okay first DarkSteven to answer your question, there would be other kinks involved. While I haven't had a whole lot of experience, I do like to be open minded. So if I did find a woman that I would like to be with, I would be more than happy to try new things with her.

FieryOpal to address your response is something that I have questioned a lot. I can completely see the self-centeredness that comes along with crossdressing. For me crosdressing is a way to expand my view points. I have noticed that when I do crossdress I tend to have more submissive tendencies. But the main reason for why I do it is because I just like it! I do try to keep self aware when I decide to dwell into that side of me and if I am not comfortable with it than I stop. To me it's because it looks good and I think that the cloths are cute that I decide to do it. As for being a man, I don't believe that wearing lingerie makes me any less of one. I play sports, I pay my bills, and I own my responsibilities to the best of my ability. I really don't buy into the whole I was born a man therefore I have to be masculine bit, in my opinion it blocks people from viewing life from different angels.

Sorry if my response is a little out of order or disrespectful that is far from my intended meaning.

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 10/28/2014 8:37:11 PM   
FieryOpal


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From: Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: switchitupper
<snip>
I have noticed that when I do crossdress I tend to have more submissive tendencies. But the main reason for why I do it is because I just like it!... I really don't buy into the whole I was born a man therefore I have to be masculine bit,...


No problem. But when you say you "tend to have more submissive tendencies," I hope this doesn't mean that you equate femininity with submission. If you do, that's up to you, and we need not overthink this. But it's not a selling point to any woman with whom you're trying to get interested in being involved with you and can be quite offensive.

My main points were that (straight) Dommes seeking an intimate relationship companion in their subs, are not looking to add to their circle of girlfriends. That's why I wanted to explain where we might be coming from in screening for monogamy (in most cases, but not all), no doubts in the back of our minds whether our partner will want to seek gratification elsewhere or has latent bi tendencies where he is fantasizing about having sex or being "forced" to engage in sex with another male, and so forth.

Now, I know a Domme who felt similarly to how I felt, until she met her future husband. He was/is an occasional cross-dresser and likes the sensual feel of the fabrics and wasn't trying to pass himself off as a woman. Therein lies the crux of the matter. If a cross-dresser has gender identity issues, then that's a whole other bag of issues that neither she nor I would want to deal with. It isn't passing judgment on your level or degree of masculinity because a male enjoys wearing feminine garments from time to time. Conversely, males who are hung up on acting macho and over-identify with their projected machismo, are equally a turn-off.

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 10/28/2014 9:31:55 PM   
missalphasubtoy


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/18/2014
Status: offline 		Yeah there are a lot of "sissies" and cross-dressers out there. Hard-limit for me, 100%. I am interested in masculine men who happen to be submissive. This whole feminization thing is something that doesn't appear to be very popular with many dominant women. Whenever I see a profile that has a strong emphasis on that, I block or reply that I am not interested. Everyone is different though.

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 10/28/2014 9:57:13 PM   
xgender


Posts: 78
Joined: 10/18/2014
From: A psych ward east of the Mississippi
Status: offline 		Hmm...

I'm transgender. I'm not a fetishist, not into sissification, do not equate submissiveness with femininity, etc etc etc and I DO live it; meaning I am out. It's may also be interesting/important to note that I am mixed gender (leaning toward the feminine) and present as such (see profile pics) And I'm wondering if the OP (who is young yet to really know) is actually transgender...

Question, OP: Do you have fantasies/thoughts of going out in public dressed more traditionally femme?

< Message edited by xgender -- 10/28/2014 9:59:41 PM >

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 10/29/2014 4:15:21 AM   
switchitupper


Posts: 8
Joined: 10/24/2014
Status: offline 		FieryOpal I can understand what you are saying. For me I am definitely not interested in men, and if I am in a relationship than that is it. I have no interest in sleeping with other people once I am in a relationship. Intimacy is really important to me in a relationship. Also I definitely do not equate femininity with submission! I know all o well the strength of women and that why I never see them as anything lesser.

xgender, I can say with ease that I am not transgender. Crossdressing for me is a intimate thing, and something that I want to share with a woman that means a lot to me. As for going out into public dressed no I don't think about that.

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 10/29/2014 2:04:48 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
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From: Dante's Inferno
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quote:

ORIGINAL: switchitupper

I have noticed that when I do crossdress I tend to have more submissive tendencies. But the main reason for why I do it is because I just like it!


Then find someone who does as well. I like CDs, sissies, transgendered. It excites me though at the moment not seeking. However, letting you know, We are out there.

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 10/29/2014 6:36:21 PM   
switchitupper


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Joined: 10/24/2014
Status: offline 		Thank you GoddessManko! That gives me hope that I will find someone one day

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 10/29/2014 6:50:49 PM   
xgender


Posts: 78
Joined: 10/18/2014
From: A psych ward east of the Mississippi
Status: offline 		Hope is what we all need. :) My best to you OP and Goddess Manko, your words are a sight for sore eyes.

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 10/30/2014 6:51:04 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko


quote:

ORIGINAL: switchitupper

I have noticed that when I do crossdress I tend to have more submissive tendencies. But the main reason for why I do it is because I just like it!


Then find someone who does as well. I like CDs, sissies, transgendered. It excites me though at the moment not seeking. However, letting you know, We are out there.


Same here. My ex husband was/is a xdresser. Like you, he loved the feel of a womans clothes on his skin but he never thought of himself as a woman. He was/is a champion power lifter and a very manly man. He also felt more submissive in female clothes. He always said, feming up made him feel more vulnerable to me... it was a head space thing for him.

I have dated T-girls who were also totally straight (though you could call them lesbians with a penis )

I recently spoke to Steve about taking on a poly T-girl. It may be some time away as we have a lot to sort out but this is something to aim towards and look forward to.


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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 12/3/2014 4:07:47 AM   
sissyboycindy


Posts: 16
Joined: 1/20/2009
From: Tulsa
Status: offline 		If you want to dress in feminine clothing then you need to confess , Tell your Mistress everything from what you have worn to how far you want to go with being feminized,You need to ask,,even beg for you to be feminized,weather it is you dressing up or Mistress dressing you .You have to understand that she may not allow you to do it at all,,or something in between to as extreme as force feminizing you completely 24/7.When I told my first owner she made me stop dressing and acting like a male and kept me in miniskirts and high heels when ever we were togather.She even called me if we werent togather,,or even going to be later and order me to feminize my self till told otherwise. I had to wear a bra and panties at all times when she decided to see if id get caught and how id handle it

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 12/3/2014 12:39:34 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sissyboycindy

If you want to dress in feminine clothing then you need to confess , Tell your Mistress everything...
<snip>

I ended your post there, cindy, because you made a cogent point. Whether you're a sissy, or just enjoy cross-dressing but don't identify as a sissy, or however a sub male identifies (bitch, slut, bottom, fetishist, kinkster, [fill-in-the-blank type]slave, whatever combination, etc.).
Before a Domme decides to collar you and become your Mistress, be honest about your sub needs. I really cannot stress that enough.
There are too many subs out there who are - for lack of a better word - desperate to find a Dominant, that they make short-term concessions or compromises in order to entice the Dominant to put or keep them under consideration (or vice versa).

This will only end badly, unless you can kiss your fetish/kink goodbye. Nor am I suggesting that this is what you do either, because you have to be true to yourself.
There is a female slave whose Master refuses to do oral, something that she used to love receiving. She made trade-offs and has lived with her decision over the years, but I can still hear the suppressed clarion call in her voice. (Believe me, it takes a lot of tongue-biting for me not to comment upon this bluntly, as in "What were you thinking, and are you freaking out of your mind?" But it's not my place to not respect a personal decision that doesn't cause her undisputable or irreparable harm.)

There was somebody not that long ago with whom I was seemingly kink-fetish compatible by roughly 85-90%, plus 10% workability or flexible negotiability, and a relatively high vanilla compatibility. (Btw, this is nearly impossible for me to find.) Appearances can be deceiving. He wasn't a total stranger, and I had no reason to believe that he was like so many subs who insist they're into whatever the Domme is into, that they have no preferences of their own and very few Hard Limits.
Now, this may be possible in exceptionally rare cases or with a newbie, but who are you kidding when you say that? To make a long story short, there were a few things to which my Spidey senses were alerted, but I wasn't sure whether they had more to do with mental headspace than with the physical acts themselves. He had made it clear he was not a masochist/pain slut and didn't want or trust a Sadistic Domme, so I thought we were good there. Notwithstanding some gray areas I don't need to go into, I had to call him out when he let it slip in one of his communiqués how much he enjoyed having his balls tied up and stretched when he was describing scenes he had experienced. Not tugged, but kept in that position. Now what part of that is not CBT? We had only seemed to be kink-fetish compatible because he had been omitting a bunch of stuff. Not experimental, or during the course of submitting to his Mistress's desires, but BDSM acts he had paid a Pro-Domme to do.

So OP, please don't take a Domme's preferences or lack of desire for what you're into as being a personal rejection. It isn't easy to find the right match. Also a Domme with multiple subs might be more prone to be flexible in this regard because she is getting her other needs met elsewhere. Contrary to what some kinksters might think, there are many Dominants who will try something that their sub might be into which they aren't because we relish having the power to fulfill a need or grant a wish as a reward, if we feel so inclined. (There are Tops who enjoy doing this casually with a bottom on a per-scene basis; and depending on the BDSM activity, might want to make it a regular event.) But you have to matter to us first, either as a friend, partner, mate, what have you, within the context of relationship. This means not leading with your kink or fetish as if that is all you are about and not much more than that as a person, potential companion and/or pet.

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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 12/4/2014 12:31:41 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko


quote:

ORIGINAL: switchitupper

I have noticed that when I do crossdress I tend to have more submissive tendencies. But the main reason for why I do it is because I just like it!


Then find someone who does as well. I like CDs, sissies, transgendered. It excites me though at the moment not seeking. However, letting you know, We are out there.


I agree with GM. I would honestly write this like in your profile instead of waiting to tell a prospective dominant.

I was married to a CD and I have dated other CDs along with T-girls. I've never dated a transgender but there is always hope . I know plenty of straight CD's/T-girls so wouldn't assume a CD who contacted me would be bi or bi curious. It doesn't bother me one way or the other. Unlike GM, I can't say it excites me but I do find their expression of femininity somewhat appealing. I have also found CD's, more so than T-girls (who can behave like divas) to have wonderfully expressive personalities. I always said, when my ex and me split, that a CD would be on my list of wants in a new partner. Unfortunately my now husband doesn't want to fem up but hey ho, we can't have everything.

A guy once told me that he felt more submissive whilst because it made him feel more vulnerable and innocent.

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 12/4/2014 2:05:42 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

I agree with GM. I would honestly write this like in your profile instead of waiting to tell a prospective dominant.

I was married to a CD and I have dated other CDs along with T-girls. I've never dated a transgender but there is always hope . I know plenty of straight CD's/T-girls so wouldn't assume a CD who contacted me would be bi or bi curious. It doesn't bother me one way or the other. Unlike GM, I can't say it excites me but I do find their expression of femininity somewhat appealing. I have also found CD's, more so than T-girls (who can behave like divas) to have wonderfully expressive personalities. I always said, when my ex and me split, that a CD would be on my list of wants in a new partner. Unfortunately my now husband doesn't want to fem up but hey ho, we can't have everything.

A guy once told me that he felt more submissive whilst because it made him feel more vulnerable and innocent.

The redlined sentence is to point out that IME on this site (since I'm not on Fet), I can count on maybe 3 fingers CD profiles which do not contain "bisexual" in their stats. In fact, 40-50% of the male S/switches who either show up on my Viewing list and/or who message me here are also listed as being bisexual. In both cases, when either CDs or S/switches contact me, they backpedal on the bisexuality designation:
"I'm not really bisexual. I've just had a few fantasies."
"I used to be bisexual, but I'm not anymore."*
"I thought I might be, but never acted upon it."
"I just say I'm bisexual in case that's what a Domme wants."
"How did that get on my profile (of many years)? I never checked that box!"... Next message he sends, his stats have now dropped that orientation. (Sometimes S/switches do this, too. Their next message shows up as being a submissive.)
* Main profile pic has photo in drag (wearing ladies garments and a wig). Message says, "I used to cross-dress, but I stopped."

My mileage may vary, of course, based on on-line experiences as opposed to IRL.

My asexual cross-dressing friend also told me that it made/makes him feel innocent, like a virginal young schoolgirl. He is sensitive to any harsh treatment from others, and he wants people to treat him nicer.

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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 12/4/2014 4:37:34 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		waves to Firey Opal

I think its probably half and half. Having been very much involved in the fetish community, I've got to know a lot of CD's over the years. What I've found is, dressing up as a female doesn't have to have anything to do with sexual preference, though it might. I have two friends who are both in LT relationships with CDs and both are as straight as a dime. The problem they have when out and about in the fet clubs is, men often come on to them because when they dress like a woman, even if its just a pair of high heeled boots, men get the message that they must be gay or bi.

I've dated a couple of T-girls who were definitely not bi and I'm sure they would of told me because I'm all for having a bi man in my life but nope, they weren't interested. I've therefore, after all these years, decided that the none CD or T-girl are just as likely to be bi as the CD or T-girl.



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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 12/4/2014 6:52:55 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

I think its probably half and half. Having been very much involved in the fetish community, I've got to know a lot of CD's over the years. What I've found is, dressing up as a female doesn't have to have anything to do with sexual preference, though it might. I have two friends who are both in LT relationships with CDs and both are as straight as a dime. The problem they have when out and about in the fet clubs is, men often come on to them because when they dress like a woman, even if its just a pair of high heeled boots, men get the message that they must be gay or bi.

I've dated a couple of T-girls who were definitely not bi and I'm sure they would of told me because I'm all for having a bi man in my life but nope, they weren't interested. I've therefore, after all these years, decided that the none CD or T-girl are just as likely to be bi as the CD or T-girl.

That sounds about right to me, and I know you've posted in the past about organizing many community and club events. If I factor out views, which don't amount to a hill of beans in terms of significance, and just went by contact messages (not counting bulk mail and/or mass-mailed form letters), that still leaves the variable of not knowing whom you're dealing with on line. It's no different than getting contacted by a Dom who tells you he's been secretly wanting to be a sub for x number of years, when it really means he just wants to get Topped...by a lifestyle Domme who doesn't know any better that this is the standard line we hear, without having to pay for a Pro-Domme.

It had slipped my mind that I'm acquainted with a former cross-dresser (done privately, not publicly) from a while back, who is straight insofar as what I've heard, who's been in long-term relationships. I didn't know this about him until much later, though.

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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 12/5/2014 4:07:36 PM   
MyDarkstar


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/17/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

a lot of Dommes don't like cross-dressing subs. ...The reason why is twofold. These Dommes...want a male sub partner who is totally straight....I don't want there to be a shadow of a doubt that he is monogamous, will be faithful & devoted to me exclusively, and that the thought of getting it on with other men


quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
Secondly, there is a tendency with cross-dressing subs to be self-absorbed (which conflicts with the submissive orientation of seeking to please one's partner before oneself, another problem with fetishists also where their self-gratification basically comes first),


FieryOpal - I really liked these points you made :

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
I want a masculine-acting sub


FieryOpal - I found your explanations to be very interesting - and true in most cases. However, for me forced fem is not a turn-on. I do not wish to be woman. I do not like the feel of the garments. I am not gay at all. It simply makes me feel ashamed about myself. It makes me feel completely pathetic - and therefore more submissive. It makes me want to obey and do as my Mistress wants to the best of my ability. Her laughter only makes me even more obedient and weak.

I personally do not view this as a sub being self-absorbed, being feminine, or even possibly pursuing gay tendencies.

So, does the fact that this is a tool which can be used to make me more obedient still put me in the "self absorbed" category ? Do you view that as a sub putting his needs first ? And is this something which you would ever allow from a sub ? (that's not meant as a proposal, btw)

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RE: kind of a crossdresser - 12/5/2014 4:33:14 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MyDarkstar

FieryOpal - I found your explanations to be very interesting - and true in most cases. However, for me forced fem is not a turn-on. I do not wish to be woman. I do not like the feel of the garments. I am not gay at all. It simply makes me feel ashamed about myself. It makes me feel completely pathetic - and therefore more submissive. It makes me want to obey and do as my Mistress wants to the best of my ability. Her laughter only makes me even more obedient and weak.

I personally do not view this as a sub being self-absorbed, being feminine, or even possibly pursuing gay tendencies.

So, does the fact that this is a tool which can be used to make me more obedient still put me in the "self absorbed" category ? Do you view that as a sub putting his needs first ? And is this something which you would ever allow from a sub ? (that's not meant as a proposal, btw)

I was primarily referring to sissyCDs. I wouldn't consider you a sissyCD, but my personal experience is rather limited to the more gurly-gurl variety, or else a gay man who wants to dress in drag for other non-hetero males.

Frankly, I wouldn't know how self-absorbed a non-sissyCD is. There are metrosexual males who are totally self-absorbed, and I find that to be a turn-off also. I've spent the better part of my adult life in the metropolitan D.C. area, where metrosexuals abound (as in Manhattan also).
(There are of course plenty of females who are self-absorbed, as I'm sure you already know, so it does depend upon the individual and how vain s/he is, how much primping goes into their getting ready, etc.)

Can I say this, and then you can narrow it down? Do you think part of your feeling that cross-dressing makes you feel more obedient have anything to do with a sexual humiliation fetish? Because it may be the humiliation fetish which motivates you. Humiliation is a powerful tool in a Dominant's toolbox, but it needs to be used carefully, conscientiously, and responsibly.

Much of what I do is diagnostic. It's just my bent, so yes, I would be willing to consider a sub who is moderately into certain fetishes & kinks that I'm not really into. It goes into my Tolerant/Tolerance zone, meaning that I don't require this of my sub. It's not *my* thing. But if I can find a practical application or use for it to reinforce our D/s dynamic, then I will, at my discretion.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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