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RE: Asexuality - 11/6/2014 1:03:47 PM   
DesFIP


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Ah words....to me the term demisexual, which is the first time I am hearing it, just means being picky.



No. Picky means you are careful about who you choose to have sex with. It has nothing to do with finding someone attractive. The Man is monogamous but he can find a woman in a restaurant to be attractive. Me? Other guys simply are invisible to me.

A poor comparison is the difference between not eating chocolate because you choose to eat healthy and disliking chocolate.

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RE: Asexuality - 11/6/2014 4:37:06 PM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: HeartAndSoul31
I saw a man for 4 years that did not identify with being asexual but in my mind I would classify him there. He did not engage in intercourse nor touch a partner in anyway sexually. He might run his hands through hair or touch your chin but this was the extent of it. He engaged/ allowed oral sex only, and did not reciprocate of course. He did not feel romantic feelings nor desire for intercourse. We had many conversations and he stated he was like this from the beginning.

I don't understand why does this man need a mate at all? He doesn't enjoy anything, just remain single for life and be happy since his disgusted by touch. Some people are meant to be happier alone.

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RE: Asexuality - 11/6/2014 4:40:22 PM   
littleladybug


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75


I don't understand why does this man need a mate at all? He doesn't enjoy anything, just remain single for life and be happy since his disgusted by touch. Some people are meant to be happier alone.



And, some people enjoy companionship on different levels than you do.

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RE: Asexuality - 11/6/2014 4:47:50 PM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug
And, some people enjoy companionship on different levels than you do.


yes, that is what platonic friends are for. He doesn't need a life partner.

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RE: Asexuality - 11/6/2014 4:53:08 PM   
littleladybug


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

yes, that is what platonic friends are for. He doesn't need a life partner.



Wow.

I don't know about anyone else, but a "life partner" to me encompasses a shitload more than sexual touch.

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RE: Asexuality - 11/6/2014 5:03:16 PM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug
I don't know about anyone else, but a "life partner" to me encompasses a shitload more than sexual touch.

Okay, why do you need a life partner if you aren't having sex with that person? You just need a platonic best friend. Don't forget this dude does not like any physical contact at all. His not gonna touch you at all, or ever hold your hand or hug you.
I mean, if I don't need sex, I just need my brother for my whole life, he can do EVERYTHING any other man can do, except the sex part, be my emotional support, mental stimulation, company for everything.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/6/2014 5:05:04 PM >

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RE: Asexuality - 11/6/2014 5:14:26 PM   
littleladybug


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

Okay, why do you need a life partner if you aren't having sex with that person? You just need a platonic best friend. Don't forget this dude does not like any physical contact at all. His not gonna touch you at all, or ever hold your hand or hug you.



Actually, I don't think that's exactly what HeartAndSoul said, but perhaps she can clarify it.

I can't believe that I'm actually going to give an answer to your question, but here it goes. Why do you need a life partner if you're not having sexual contact...let me see...love, companionship, caring.... I've been involved with men with some medical issues that prevented intercourse. I personally think it's a ridiculous statement that I might as well have just been hanging out with my brother....

But, you know Greta...this is what makes the world go round. If sex is an absolute requirement for *your* relationship, have at it. It's apparent that you don't understand a lot of things...and that's the same with all of us. Personally, I'm finding this thread extremely interesting and informative. IMO, that's one of the best parts about a forum like this. If, sometimes, we take the blinders off and actually take in what people are saying, we can learn a tremendous amount.

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RE: Asexuality - 11/6/2014 5:51:03 PM   
FieryOpal


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quote:

ORIGINAL: BecomingV
quote:

ORIGINAL: starkem

demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender

Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close relationship is formed.

Though factors such as looks and personality do not affect primary sexual attraction for demisexuals,

I've never heard the term before, but that does describe me.
<snip>
Got any wisdom on that? Does it mean the term does not fit me?


V, I went back to reread where you had quoted starkem, and this is not quite the definition of a demisexual.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=demisexual

Demisexuals are characterized by a lack of sexual attraction toward any person unless they become deeply emotionally or romantically connected with a specific person or persons.
Not feeling "sexual attraction toward any person" until you have bonded emotionally is not the same as having no gender preference. I can be physically attracted to a man but not wish to have sex with him. This is because sex and intimacy go hand in hand with me, and without having bonds of intimacy, I don't desire to have sexual relations. This is not unusual with women. When we aren't feeling close to our partner, or that he isn't showing that he cares and appreciates us, then sexual desire can get snuffed out. It used to be in my vanilla relationships that if my partner was not in my good graces, I wouldn't feel like having sex with him.
Furthermore, I very much have a gender preference. Elsewhere I read that demisexuals are not influenced by physical characteristics. To the far extreme spectrum of this would be for a demisexual to not be influenced by anatomical differences whether it's with the opposite sex or same sex because the intimate bonding process itself takes ascendancy.

The level of connection it takes for sexual desire to form is dependent on how close the relationship is rather than initial attraction.
The difference here is that I do need to feel an initial attraction, that elusive spark. However, a spark isn't enough, and there has to be a romantic connection in order to fan the flames of my desire and passions.

It is an orientation that is not chosen.
I have no idea whether I had a choice in the matter regarding this orientation. What I do know is that I have a romantic nature and that I am soft-wired to pair-bond monogamously.

Demisexuality does not refer to the active restraint or repression of sexual desires or actions.
This sounds very much like what you were describing about yourself, V. As for me, I do feel that I have the ability to practice restraint and to suppress my libido when I am not around a suitable candidate for my affections. I do not automatically shut down (unless I am turned off)--I can and do invoke my will.
IMO, demisexuality should not get classified as "a less extreme version of asexuality." I believe that it is in a class by itself.

starkem, perhaps you were thinking of cupiosexuality insofar as your own predilections? "An extention [sic] of the asexual spectrum in which one desires a sexual relationship, but feels no sexual attraction towards anyone."
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cupiosexual

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RE: Asexuality - 11/7/2014 2:50:35 AM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug
love, companionship, caring....

My point is, there is nothing you mention here that a female bestfriend can't give me or my brother can't give me.
quote:

I personally think it's a ridiculous statement that I might as well have just been hanging out with my brother....

It's not ridiculous at all, my brother is my best friend, infact, his better to me than any of my x-husband, boyfriends ever been to me, his always there for me when I need him. If I didn't need sex, I don't need any other men. And that's what best friends are, they are always there for you and you don't have sex with them.

quote:

If sex is an absolute requirement for *your* relationship, have at it. It's apparent that you don't understand a lot of things...and that's the same with all of us.

For a life partner, sex is absolutely necessary. If not, I got my friends, my brother, and really, I have alot companionship WITHOUT sex already, so why do I need a life partner who doesn't fuck?


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RE: Asexuality - 11/7/2014 2:52:19 AM   
HeartAndSoul31


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeartAndSoul31
I saw a man for 4 years that did not identify with being asexual but in my mind I would classify him there. He did not engage in intercourse nor touch a partner in anyway sexually. He might run his hands through hair or touch your chin but this was the extent of it. He engaged/ allowed oral sex only, and did not reciprocate of course. He did not feel romantic feelings nor desire for intercourse. We had many conversations and he stated he was like this from the beginning.

I don't understand why does this man need a mate at all? He doesn't enjoy anything, just remain single for life and be happy since his disgusted by touch. Some people are meant to be happier alone.



He would always give a hug to say goodbye, but there was no feeling to it. This was the best he could do. It seemed practiced and mechanical. He just did not enjoy showing physical affection. Physical intimacy was a hard limit for him for some reason, almost like an autistic spectrum type disorder. Most people no matter their limits want some level of intimacy to feel accepted whether it's physical, mental, emotional, spiritual with a trusted person. Not all people are wired to want or need all those marks met. Myself, I need that balance but everyone is different. Needs vary, and what is comfortable for them.
It was hard for me to understand too but not everyone needs or wants sexual intimacy but may need only one mark checked, and that's good enough for them and that's a relationship in their eyes and world.

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RE: Asexuality - 11/7/2014 3:00:27 AM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: HeartAndSoul31
He just did not enjoy showing physical affection.

It's amazing you managed to be with a man who doesn't like physical affection of any kind for 4 years! That takes great patience, you must have really loved something else about him to tolerate such a trade off.

Even my x-husband who never has sex with me, was super physically affectionate, he hugs me to sleep, always holds my hands, always stroking me, tells me he loved me everyday, and always kissed me goodbye and hello, so that was a good trade off, even if he doesn't have the sex drive to have sex with me.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/7/2014 3:01:12 AM >

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RE: Asexuality - 11/7/2014 3:10:14 AM   
HeartAndSoul31


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeartAndSoul31
He just did not enjoy showing physical affection.

It's amazing you managed to be with a man who doesn't like physical affection of any kind for 4 years! That takes great patience, you must have really loved something else about him to tolerate such a trade off.

Even my x-husband who never has sex with me, was super physically affectionate, he hugs me to sleep, always holds my hands, always stroking me, tells me he loved me everyday, and always kissed me goodbye and hello, so that was a good trade off, even if he doesn't have the sex drive to have sex with me.



Yes, obviously I loved him and he did have some extraordinary qualities I found inspiring. It had to end though because it is agonizing and heart breaking to stay when your own needs can't be met. People tell you who they are if we listen. But we can put on blinders too thinking " maybe this will change" it was a great lesson though for me in bridging an understanding of people.

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RE: Asexuality - 11/7/2014 4:53:23 AM   
littleladybug


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

For a life partner, sex is absolutely necessary. If not, I got my friends, my brother, and really, I have alot companionship WITHOUT sex already, so why do I need a life partner who doesn't fuck?




So, if something were to happen to your "life partner" and he was unable to "fuck", he'd be of no use to you?

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RE: Asexuality - 11/7/2014 5:28:09 AM   
tj444


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

For a life partner, sex is absolutely necessary. If not, I got my friends, my brother, and really, I have alot companionship WITHOUT sex already, so why do I need a life partner who doesn't fuck?




So, if something were to happen to your "life partner" and he was unable to "fuck", he'd be of no use to you?


My ex stopped having sex with me so the answer for me would be he would no longer be a "life partner", he moved into the "friend" category.. It was hard but the decision to decide to be open to someone new that could be a "life partner" was the one I made.. life is too short.. and I regret staying with him as long as I did.. I don't regret the decision I made... now he is free to sit in front of the tv watching hockey and drinking beer/scotch all weekend long and getting shitefaced, so win, win..

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RE: Asexuality - 11/7/2014 5:32:20 AM   
littleladybug


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444



My ex stopped having sex with me so the answer for me would be he would no longer be a "life partner", he moved into the "friend" category.. It was hard but the decision to decide to be open to someone new that could be a "life partner" was the one I made.. life is too short.. and I regret staying with him as long as I did.. I don't regret the decision I made... now he is free to sit in front of the tv watching hockey and drinking beer/scotch all weekend long and getting shitefaced, so win, win..


Would your answer have been the same if the lack of sex was due to something out of his control (i.e. a medical issue)?

Of course, we all have our lists of needs and wants in a relationship...I'm just wondering how those lists might change if something happens that is out of the person's control.

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RE: Asexuality - 11/7/2014 5:38:49 AM   
tj444


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug


quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

My ex stopped having sex with me so the answer for me would be he would no longer be a "life partner", he moved into the "friend" category.. It was hard but the decision to decide to be open to someone new that could be a "life partner" was the one I made.. life is too short.. and I regret staying with him as long as I did.. I don't regret the decision I made... now he is free to sit in front of the tv watching hockey and drinking beer/scotch all weekend long and getting shitefaced, so win, win..


Would your answer have been the same if the lack of sex was due to something out of his control (i.e. a medical issue)?

Of course, we all have our lists of needs and wants in a relationship...I'm just wondering how those lists might change if something happens that is out of the person's control.


Yes, since in his case I told him to see a doctor to find out if that was the problem but he refused, in fact, he would refuse to talk to me about anything that was a problem needing resolving.. the lack of sex was not the only reason for my decision, it was one of the big reasons for it tho.. when someone wont even discuss problems with you then he has already made his decision, hasn't he? And since I couldn't force him to do anything, I had to decide if the way things were was acceptable to me and the answer was no.. again, life is too short.. now we are just friends just as many other divorced/separated couples are..

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RE: Asexuality - 11/7/2014 5:42:23 AM   
littleladybug


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

Yes, since in his case I told him to see a doctor to find out if that was the problem but he refused, in fact, he would refuse to talk to me about anything that was a problem needing resolving.. the lack of sex was not the only reason for my decision, it was one of the big reasons for it tho.. when someone wont even discuss problems with you then he has already made his decision, hasn't he? And since I couldn't force him to do anything, I had to decide if the way things were was acceptable to me and the answer was no.. again, life is too short.. now we are just friends just as many other divorced/separated couples are..


Ok...

Perhaps change this to a hypothetical situation. What if there* was* a medical issue that prevented the sex? (Without all of the other obvious issues going on....)

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RE: Asexuality - 11/7/2014 5:51:46 AM   
tj444


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug


quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

Yes, since in his case I told him to see a doctor to find out if that was the problem but he refused, in fact, he would refuse to talk to me about anything that was a problem needing resolving.. the lack of sex was not the only reason for my decision, it was one of the big reasons for it tho.. when someone wont even discuss problems with you then he has already made his decision, hasn't he? And since I couldn't force him to do anything, I had to decide if the way things were was acceptable to me and the answer was no.. again, life is too short.. now we are just friends just as many other divorced/separated couples are..


Ok...

Perhaps change this to a hypothetical situation. What if there* was* a medical issue that prevented the sex? (Without all of the other obvious issues going on....)


Yes, that would change the relationship and to me, "husband/life partner" means someone you have sex and intimacy with as an expression of love.. any relationship without that is simply friendship.. I need the intimacy and feeling of connection that sex and cuddling and kissing and touching gives.. without that (for me) there is no love or "bond".. Without sex and intimacy and touching, one day I woke up and realized I no longer loved him.. without the sex and cuddling, touching, etc my feelings of love simply died over time.. so to put it into a relationship equation (for me).. Love = sex & sex = Love
Why would I deny myself the chance to find Love again????????

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RE: Asexuality - 11/7/2014 5:59:55 AM   
DarkSteven


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug


quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

Yes, since in his case I told him to see a doctor to find out if that was the problem but he refused, in fact, he would refuse to talk to me about anything that was a problem needing resolving.. the lack of sex was not the only reason for my decision, it was one of the big reasons for it tho.. when someone wont even discuss problems with you then he has already made his decision, hasn't he? And since I couldn't force him to do anything, I had to decide if the way things were was acceptable to me and the answer was no.. again, life is too short.. now we are just friends just as many other divorced/separated couples are..


Ok...

Perhaps change this to a hypothetical situation. What if there* was* a medical issue that prevented the sex? (Without all of the other obvious issues going on....)



Why would it?

Here are the issues:

1. No sex.
2. Refusal to deal with a major issue affecting his relationship.

Problems in relationships are inevitable. Dealing with them is one of those things we don't wanna have to do but we have to because we're adults and all. So I'd be a lot more concerned about #2 than #1.




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RE: Asexuality - 11/7/2014 6:23:27 AM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug
Perhaps change this to a hypothetical situation. What if there* was* a medical issue that prevented the sex? (Without all of the other obvious issues going on....)

I would be with a man who will allow me to have an open relationship to find sex elsewhere if he can't have sex with me anymore.

But if he had a medical issue that prevented sex, his gonna be my platonic friend forever, he can be my bestfriend too, and I can hang out alot with him but his not life partner material.

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