quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

I have to agree with Irish Mist. I didn't sign up to be the Samaritan to new submissives needing guidance and like Irish says, these people aren't children and have a world of knowledge right at their finger tips if only they bothered to look. Aside from that, how many times do we hear dominants claim to of been in this lifestyle for years when truth be known, they are just as new as the newbie they are now advising. Others of the white knight variety would scare a new submissive into his arms because that's the only way he knows how to pull. I've found lots of the advisory types to be quite predatory and that is one of the reasons I won't give out advice that isn't asked for. Who am I to say my advice would be good advice? How does the newbie know my advice is sound, sensible and helpful. Surely the best advice any of us could give would be to go and read as much info as possible on the web, weigh it up, pull it apart and take out the bits you need.

ETA. If what I'm saying makes no sense its because I'm still sedated after a hospital procedure today...I feel like I'm drunk

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May I ask you and IrishMist your opinion on this: Do you feel that Dominants should share with other Dominants, S/switches with S/switches, and submissives with other submissives? (On a buddy systems of sorts, short of actually taking on a mentoring role?) Perhaps not for any random BDSMer who comes along, but one who shows a sincere interest or willingness to take solicited advice?

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Giving advice is tricky because anything you tell someone, is going to be based on your own personal experience...both within BDSM and from life itself.
What is good and sound for me, may be wrong and destructive for another. The person asking the advice, 9 times out of 10, does not comprehend this. It's very rare for someone to say, after receiving advice...'well, ok, it worked for you, but I really need to think about whether or not it would work for me"

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ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

What are your opinions about the difference between D/s-M/s ownership and BDSM Topping & bottoming play? Does it even matter to you, or is this a non-issue when you choose a play partner?

Not only is this confusing to many newbies joining the ranks of BDSM daily, but more experienced BDSMers seem to get the following terms mixed up or else don't know how to differentiate between a Dominant/submissive power & authority dynamic and *just* being a kinkster who lives and lets live. This wouldn't be relevant if I (and others) didn't keep running into the following misunderstandings:

1. Lack of Understanding Regarding CONSENSUALITY

2. Not Knowing Whether One or Others Are, In Fact:
-- Dominant (D/s) and/or Master-Mistress (M/s)
-- Top, but not Dominant (BDSM)
-- submissive (D/s-M/s)
-- slave (M/s)
-- bottom, but not an s-type (BDSM)
-- S/switch (S=Top heavy; s=bottom heavy--BDSM), namely
-- S/switch, more of a BDSM kinkster who is not into D/s Ownership & Worship protocols
-- Sado-masochistic Dominant or s-type (S&M half of BDSM)
-- Sado-masochistic Top or bottom (S&M half of BDSM)
-- Fetishist (not D/s)
-- Vanilla Fantasists and HNGs-Horny Net Geeks (not D/s, BDSM newbie)

Please feel free to add to the above list.

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ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Giving advice is tricky because anything you tell someone, is going to be based on your own personal experience...both within BDSM and from life itself.
What is good and sound for me, may be wrong and destructive for another. The person asking the advice, 9 times out of 10, does not comprehend this. It's very rare for someone to say, after receiving advice...'well, ok, it worked for you, but I really need to think about whether or not it would work for me"

The thing that gets me is when somebody asks for advice, then turns around and does the complete opposite, only to pay for their mistake later. Especially when it's a friend. It's like, WTF?

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ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
@Greta75
Were you speaking in general, or has a Dom criticized you personally for not being *subbly* enough by expressing your desire for your kinks?

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ORIGINAL: seekingreality

I don't see a point in getting worked up over terms.

To me, the important thing is clarity. It's better to say I like X, Y, Z and don't like A, B, C. I am open to doing S, T, and U, but will not do D, E, F. If you strip away the confusing terminology and just speak clearly and honestly, you eliminate most of the problems you're describing.

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ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

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ORIGINAL: seekingreality

I don't see a point in getting worked up over terms.

To me, the important thing is clarity. It's better to say I like X, Y, Z and don't like A, B, C. I am open to doing S, T, and U, but will not do D, E, F. If you strip away the confusing terminology and just speak clearly and honestly, you eliminate most of the problems you're describing.

Any kind of label should not be for the purpose of boxing one in, but to act as a starting point--a locus.

So then you won't mind if a Domme refers to you as her bitch but doesn't think it necessary to collar you or own you as her sub?
Or for you to say you are her bitch, but that she isn't actually your Mistress?
Would you feel just as owned, assuming that this is what you want? Would you feel the same sense of loyalty and devotion, in other words, sans clarity in using mutually defined D/s terminology?
You don't need to answer, but when your definitions don't match up with your partner's, then misunderstandings can easily arise. Your ABC could very well be her CDE, unless you are both on the same wavelength beyond the shadow of a doubt.

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ORIGINAL: seekingreality

I think you missed my point. The point of A, B, C is specificity. Take a matter of kink. if your A, B, C is "I like strap-ons, leashes, and ballgags" there isn't go to be any confusion.

Personally, I don't get people who get worked over semantics. I've been involved in BDSM for many years and I rarely if ever find women who get hung up on BDSM terminology or even use it much. But if people do use terminology, it's just a starting point. I've never once had a woman say, "My god! You told me you were a bottom but you're acting like a submissive" or whatever. Pretty quickly after you meet, you're just two people working out your unique relationships and the labels/terminology become irrelevant.

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ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

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ORIGINAL: seekingreality

I think you missed my point. The point of A, B, C is specificity. Take a matter of kink. if your A, B, C is "I like strap-ons, leashes, and ballgags" there isn't go to be any confusion.

Personally, I don't get people who get worked over semantics. I've been involved in BDSM for many years and I rarely if ever find women who get hung up on BDSM terminology or even use it much. But if people do use terminology, it's just a starting point. I've never once had a woman say, "My god! You told me you were a bottom but you're acting like a submissive" or whatever. Pretty quickly after you meet, you're just two people working out your unique relationships and the labels/terminology become irrelevant.

Good for you for being candid and upfront about your laundry list--er, I mean preferences. Yeah, I like to say I enjoy going to the movies, listening to music, and ethnic dining, among other things. It all depends on what a person's priorities are. You're entitled to yours, as I am to mine.

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ORIGINAL: seekingreality

I wasn't giving my personal laundry list. I was simply giving a generic example. Personally, I don't talk about BDSM in detail until I've gotten to know and like someone. And that really goes beyond simply listing hobbies and interests, and it's more about values and philosophies toward life.

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ORIGINAL: seekingreality

I think you missed my point. The point of A, B, C is specificity. Take a matter of kink. if your A, B, C is "I like strap-ons, leashes, and ballgags" there isn't go to be any confusion.

Personally, I don't get people who get worked over semantics. I've been involved in BDSM for many years and I rarely if ever find women who get hung up on BDSM terminology or even use it much. But if people do use terminology, it's just a starting point. I've never once had a woman say, "My god! You told me you were a bottom but you're acting like a submissive" or whatever. Pretty quickly after you meet, you're just two people working out your unique relationships and the labels/terminology become irrelevant.

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ORIGINAL: starkem
<snip>
LOL. observe. This is an exaggerated depiction, and surely in no way describes persons herein. It is a humorous portrayal and account of how misunderstanding starts. It is not accurate or accusatory, but surely relevant to this topic. Maybe someone can explain the contradiction in letting people define their kink. Oh that's right, kink is only for those perverts that dare include sex in their BDSM. BDSM is not about sex it is about control.

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ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

To me it's all just positions on a spectrum.

It's incredibly rare that you meet someone who does 'play' but never submits (or dominates) and vice versa. It also doesn't really matter too much what they say about how 'lifestyle' they are because they might claim that they're a 24/7 slave with no hard limits but when you visit their home, they're just as bossy and unsubmissive (or passive and undominant) as any vanilla couple. What people say about themselves and how they actually are, is not always the same thing.

The great majority of kinksters that I have met in my life mix a combination of play, power exchange and fetish wear, with a bit of toy collecting and membership of groups like this one, and others. That seems to be true for everyone, however they describe themselves.

On a personal level, the only information I really need to figure out about another kinkster is whether they are a sub or a Dom or, in the case of a switch, whether they are more of a D-switch or a s-switch - simply for me to know whether I might play with them. A lot of the other labels seem a bit arbitrary and divisive - like on here when a person might ask about submissive behaviour during a spanking, and be told 'that's not submission, that's just kinky play' as though there were some great divide in the scene - which, in my experience, there is not.

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ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

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ORIGINAL: MariaB

What is a Florentine flogging?

It's like a cheerleader using two floggers instead of pom poms and they are giving someone a nice massage with them.