RE: How to Tell When It's D/s & Not BDSM Play

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RE: How to Tell When It's D/s & Not BDSM Play - 11/14/2014 5:22:58 AM

starkem

Posts: 159
Joined: 2/2/2007
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Now! Who wants ice cream? ;)

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RE: How to Tell When It's D/s & Not BDSM Play - 11/14/2014 7:39:40 AM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
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~ FR ~ (In reply to your posts, but I'm just in a hurry!)

quote:

ORIGINAL: starkem

In person or on the phone, you would be lucky to get two words out of me. That is not a suggested solicitation on my part. LOL People are fascinated by you "experts" - consider it a complement, or occupational hazard of this lifestyle. Yes, express your discontent! Don't be judging though unless you are going to put a Collar on it, Beyonce.

Oh no, that simply wouldn't do (of course, not with you specifically), gotta have the verbal foreplay. Daily. Whether linguistically, by texting or EM. What's funny in retrospect is that I had collared a sub once who was great on paper, expressive and so forth, seemed all right over the phone, but who was quiet in person. I attributed it to shyness. (He was a 40-year-old engineer, not a spring chicken.) He'd had a Mistress before back in his college days, so not totally inexperienced. Well, as soon as we started scening, he went mute on me. I'm thinking, WTF? Here I am trying to figure out what he likes or how to set the dials, so to speak, and get feedback, but all I could get out of him were monosyllable "yes" and "no." It drove me batty that no amount of encouragement could get him to be interactive with me. Whether it was incompatibility in our personalities, or just this fantasy construct he had about how he should act *slavish*, I could plainly see this wasn't going to work. Also back then, I didn't have many protocols, so I hadn't inspected him ahead of time before collaring him. Let's just say he wasn't a keeper in any capacity--vanilla, D/s, BDSM, nothing, not even marginally. I didn't think I had been rushing things either at the time after a month of daily (remote) interactions and two dates, but evidently a month & a half wasn't long enough to wait before collaring a sub under consideration. I don't officially call him a former sub of mine, we were both in a trial period with one another, and he knew full well I wasn't looking for a (wannabe) slave, much less a mutish one.

Btw, other than with a particular technique which has been mastered, I don't think any of us around here consider ourselves experts. Besides, you can only be an 'expert' within your own area(s) of expertise, not outside of those experiences.

quote:

ORIGINAL: starkem

Now! Who wants ice cream? ;)

Yippee, ice cream play...

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There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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RE: How to Tell When It's D/s & Not BDSM Play - 11/14/2014 12:16:16 PM

Bhruic

Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic

What does it matter? Seems to me that labels are only important and confusing when you are not being open and communicative about what you want... and that is ill advised.

It isn't the labels so much that are the issue (or non-issue), and perhaps I should have left off that listing as a reference resource for those who are not familiar with D/s-BDSM terminology.

Frankly, I could give a rat's ass about many D/s protocols. What I find of value is the structure of mutual consent, adherence to respecting limits (theoretically) which is in place.

Without this, BDSM would be a free-for-all, what appears to outsiders as hedonistic fun and games for a bunch of low-life perverts which are abusive and criminal acts perpetrated by psychopathic sadists upon equally deranged masochists.

You can say this isn't so, but the legality of the situation is that in many if not most states, a person cannot willfully consent to physical assault. A discontented, vengeful bottom-submissive can easily have a Top-Dominant thrown into jail for rape, assault & battery, kidnapping, false imprisonment, possibly blackmail or extortion in some cases, or any number of serious charges that could ruin a BDSMer's life. There's a great deal more at stake here than pursuing one's bliss mindlessly.

I think the issue of consent and the law is relevant not only to BDSM and physically violent play, but to any kind of sexual contact at all... as you point out when referencing rape.

With respect to the legality of consent, I don't think it matters what you call the kind of sex you are having... the law won't care.

And with respect to labels causing confusion around consent, I would reiterate my original comment... if you are trying to determine what to expect based on what label someone puts on themselves, rather than openly discussing what each of you want, then it has a much better chance of going bad.

Considering the state of the law around consent, your only real protection, regardless of labels or particular kink, is to be totally confident that your partner will never consider what you do to be assault, or a violation of consent, and thus will never feel compelled to report it to the authorities... and for that you need open communication, and a deep understanding of, and trust in, each other.

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