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Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or Nay? - 12/9/2014 9:50:48 AM

FieryOpal

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From: Maryland
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This is not so much about making compromises or projected areas of compromise in your intimate relationships (http://www.collarchat.com/m_4740019/tm.htm) as it is about outright exceptions that you normally would not make.
1. When have you made an exception in choosing a partner, mate or Owner/pet that either panned out for you, or else backfired on you?
2. Would you do it again under the same or different circumstances?

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

Post #: 1

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 10:47:18 AM

RockaRolla

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From: South Florida
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I have an arbitrary limit of 10 years when it comes to age difference. I wound up breaking that for my previous boyfriend who was 17 years my senior. The age difference never factored in to our relationship, and we were able to interact on more or less equal footing.

I would have little problem with breaking it, or any other restriction, if the person were exceptional and I were sure they weren't just out for a younger conquest. I won't seek them out, but if I knew the person already and it developed into something more, I'd have no problem with that.

_____________________________

~Roxie

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 2

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 11:17:52 AM

NorthernGent

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Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

This is not so much about making compromises or projected areas of compromise in your intimate relationships (http://www.collarchat.com/m_4740019/tm.htm) as it is about outright exceptions that you normally would not make.
1. When have you made an exception in choosing a partner, mate or Owner/pet that either panned out for you, or else backfired on you?
2. Would you do it again under the same or different circumstances?

1. Never. There are a few things that are very important to me, and I'm not of the mind to compromise on these things. The rest, easy come easy go.

2. Yes.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 3

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 11:23:40 AM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

This is not so much about making compromises or projected areas of compromise in your intimate relationships (http://www.collarchat.com/m_4740019/tm.htm) as it is about outright exceptions that you normally would not make.
1. When have you made an exception in choosing a partner, mate or Owner/pet that either panned out for you, or else backfired on you?
2. Would you do it again under the same or different circumstances?

1. I can say with certainty that meeting a man from New Zealand was well beyond my requirement that a man be within an hour's drive of me. I've been open to long distance relationships before, but not ocean-crossing long distance. At the time we met (online) I was actively turning prospective partners away because they lived two small states away from me - too far. By the time we met in person, our distance had become something that could be overcome. And yes, things have panned out incredibly well.

2. I would definitely do it again. The man is exceptional, as is our compatibility. It simply had to be done. ETA - oh, I get the question now. I answered: If I had it to do over again, would I do it again? Yes. Exceptional. Compatibility. Had to be done. But I think the question was more: If I were to find myself in a similar situation in the future? Well, of course, I would hope not to be in the position to have to make the decision again, but I suppose still, yes, I would have to consider it. I've learned that the world isn't so big after all.

You know, it's funny. I had a list of requirements for who I was searching for. And my mother totally called it. She told me that the man I wind up with will likely not fit into the categories I had so neatly aligned in my mind. Then she launched into a long story about how she met my stepfather, blah blah blah, but... she was right. (Dammit. She's always right.)

I honestly can't think of exceptions I've made that have backfired on me. Things have not worked out for one reason or another, but not because anything backfired. Just because it happens.

< Message edited by Kaliko -- 12/9/2014 11:56:10 AM >

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 4

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 11:24:12 AM

NookieNotes

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Joined: 11/10/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
1. When have you made an exception in choosing a partner, mate or Owner/pet that either panned out for you, or else backfired on you?
2. Would you do it again under the same or different circumstances?

1. I allowed a man into my life that smoked (I do not, and I find it distasteful.), because he'd said he would quit. He did not, and it became a HUGE issue between us, causing resentment.

2. No.

_____________________________

Nookie
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(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 5

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 11:45:57 AM

InHisHeart

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Joined: 3/22/2014
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I made an exception with us starting out in a LDR. I was very hesitant because of the distance, 10 hours was a huge deal to me so I had to do a lot of thinking. If we were 2 or 3 hours away, it would not have been an issue at all for me. I thought about the traveling since I would be doing most of the traveling to see him, thought long and hard about relocating to NC if we found we did want a relationship, thought about traveling back here to visit my family and making sure he was fine with me coming back to visit whenever I wanted.

I did/do have the time and means to travel whenever I want which was a big help in making my decision since I was able to spend months at a time with him every time I went so we were able to really get to know each other well. If our time together was limited because of the distance, I probably wouldn't have gone beyond being friends with him. There's no way I would relocate without first spending a lot of time together, knowing we can easily coexist, seeing each other at our best and worst and knowing the relationship has a strong, solid ground to stand on.

We're together 7 years so I would say it panned out. :)

Would I do it again? I hope I never have to make that decision again.

_____________________________

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RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 11:46:56 AM

RockaRolla

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Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
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Kaliko's post reminded me of another example: Despite not wishing to engage with people who lived too far away, I agreed to meet with a guy who lived in Belgium. We'd talked for a while, he struck me as a good guy, and I spent some time with him while he was on vacation. It was a great time, even if he and I didn't work in the end.

That said, I don't think I'd make an exception for that rule again - it's certainly within the realm of possibility if he were exceptional, I just don't think there's someone out there to convince me to entertain a LDR and eventually relocate for them.

_____________________________

~Roxie

(in reply to NookieNotes)

Post #: 7

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 11:54:26 AM

Gauge

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Joined: 6/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

1. When have you made an exception in choosing a partner, mate or Owner/pet that either panned out for you, or else backfired on you?

I've done that too many times in my life. Nearly all have ended in disaster.

quote:

2. Would you do it again under the same or different circumstances?

At this stage of the game, I am unwilling to compromise what I require in a relationship. Who that relationship is with is flexible. However, I have my slut and we are tremendously happy together.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 8

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 12:30:15 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

1. When have you made an exception in choosing a partner, mate or Owner/pet that either panned out for you, or else backfired on you?

I've done that too many times in my life. Nearly all have ended in disaster.

quote:

2. Would you do it again under the same or different circumstances?

At this stage of the game, I am unwilling to compromise what I require in a relationship. Who that relationship is with is flexible. However, I have my slut and we are tremendously happy together.

Here's the deal. I keep finding myself making "exceptions" to the rule. Not to absolute relationship deal breakers or to my Hard Limits, but to the type of person I know I want.
Plus my focus is on simplifying my life, not making it more complicated.

Like you, Gauge, I've regretted making an exception or exceptions although they weren't of disastrous proportions. I don't regret having learned the lesson to STOP making these freaking exception(s) to certain standards or criteria.
I really, really try not to look at them as compromises, but perhaps I'm just fooling myself by seeing a compromise as part of a negotiations trade-off instead of an upfront concession. (Gawd, I hate that word.)

On the one hand, I feel I have the right to put my foot down, to not have to feel as if I'm making an unnecessary sacrifice, concession or compromise.
On the other hand, I feel that it is unfair of me if I act unreasonable.
I'm conflicted.

I want what I want, but I don't feel I should have to give up something in order to gain a suitable mate, almost as a matter of principle, but I don't want to miss out on a potentially viable opportunity by being close-minded.

I guess I want my cake and eat it, too, but it's not like I'm not willing to share that cake with someone special.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 9

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 12:44:25 PM

Gauge

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Joined: 6/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

Here's the deal. I keep finding myself making "exceptions" to the rule. Not to absolute relationship deal breakers or to my Hard Limits, but to the type of person I know I want.
Plus my focus is on simplifying my life, not making it more complicated.

Like you, Gauge, I've regretted making an exception or exceptions although they weren't of disastrous proportions. I don't regret having learned the lesson to STOP making these freaking exception(s) to certain standards or criteria.
I really, really try not to look at them as compromises, but perhaps I'm just fooling myself by seeing a compromise as part of a negotiations trade-off instead of an upfront concession. (Gawd, I hate that word.)

On the one hand, I feel I have the right to put my foot down, to not have to feel as if I'm making an unnecessary sacrifice, concession or compromise.
On the other hand, I feel that it is unfair of me if I act unreasonable.
I'm conflicted.
I want what I want, but I don't feel I should have to give up something in order to gain a suitable mate, almost as a matter of principle, but I don't want to miss out on a potentially viable opportunity by being close-minded.

I guess I want my cake and eat it, too, but it's not like I'm not willing to share that cake with someone special.

My requirements for a relationship are fairly simple ones: Able to communicate on an intellectual level, has sense of humor, willing to discuss problems rather than fight about them (my anxiety will not allow me to argue), must accept me for who I am the good and the bad and not expect me to change myself or my core principles to suit them, must have a willingness to grow and learn. The submissive/slave thing is secondary and quite the bonus.

Now, if someone I meet qualifies to what I have above, I can be flexible from there, but by no means will I compromise on my list.

I'm fucking lucky and I know it, my slut meets and exceeds my requirements.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 10

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 12:50:00 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
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~FRing it~

I wanted someone local to me. My rule is to avoid long distance. Identifying as a dominant female, I wanted someone who identified as a submissive. Three years ago this upcoming February, I was approached on the other side by a guy who violated both. He was a longtime self-identified dominant male who was interested in exploring submission. (Oh, the horrors...a fucking switch!!!

). And he lived around 5 hours away from me. But I took a chance by making an exception.

In doing this, I honestly found the love of my life. And I've found a safe harbor of my own in him.

Would I do it again? No, probably not. Am I glad I did? Hell yes, I am.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 12/9/2014 12:52:55 PM >

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 11

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 12:51:06 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

On the one hand, I feel I have the right to put my foot down, to not have to feel as if I'm making an unnecessary sacrifice, concession or compromise.
On the other hand, I feel that it is unfair of me if I act unreasonable.
I'm conflicted.

The two things, that is setting your stall out as to what really matters to you versus being reasonable aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.

It is entirely reasonable to say: look, these things really matter to me and so you need to tow the line, but these other things, well, life's too short.

Seems to me it's just a matter of prioritisation, something with which everyone is comfortable.

No conflict as far as I can tell.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 12

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 1:04:05 PM

sexyred1

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Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I made an exception for someone who I had amazing chemistry with, but no compatibility with.

I stayed way too long because of that chemistry. There were red flags all over the place, but they were unfurled; it took a while for them to fly at full mast.

Would I do that again for major chemistry? No. I will never again be with someone I do not get along with as friends as well as lovers.

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 13

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 1:23:38 PM

DaddySatyr

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From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

The two things, that is setting your stall out as to what really matters to you versus being reasonable aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.

It is entirely reasonable to say: look, these things really matter to me and so you need to tow the line, but these other things, well, life's too short.

Seems to me it's just a matter of prioritisation, something with which everyone is comfortable.

No conflict as far as I can tell.

My thoughts, exactly.

In a perfect world, the walls on my bedroom would be a deep, royal purple. That's my favorite color. However, when my sweetheart comes to me and says: "Daddy, I really want to paint the bedroom pink and put flower-print curtains in the windows, please?". my first thought is: How important is this issue to me?

Having the bedroom look they way she wants is going to make her happy. What the fuck do I care, if it's pink? I doubt it would change the activities that go on in there (maybe make them "better" because she's happier, I guess).

Now, if she wanted to paint my guitar, that way, we'd probably have an issue.

My grandparents called it: "picking your battles".

Michael

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 12/9/2014 1:24:05 PM >

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to NorthernGent)

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RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 1:28:03 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

On the one hand, I feel I have the right to put my foot down, to not have to feel as if I'm making an unnecessary sacrifice, concession or compromise.
On the other hand, I feel that it is unfair of me if I act unreasonable.
I'm conflicted.

The two things, that is setting your stall out as to what really matters to you versus being reasonable aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.

It is entirely reasonable to say: look, these things really matter to me and so you need to tow the line, but these other things, well, life's too short.

Seems to me it's just a matter of prioritisation, something with which everyone is comfortable.

No conflict as far as I can tell.

If only life were so simple. *sigh*

In a sense it is a matter of discerning rather than prioritizing. Discerning whether I can live with my choices. What I mean by "Choice of Partner" is the type of candidate, inside and out, on whether this person is worth embarking on a relationship with. Invariably, there is no perfect or ideal partner. Yes, I can prioritize what attributes I can forego perhaps.

Two simple examples. I once made an exception for age that turned out positive, but maturity factors and beaucoup compatibility nullified that. However, this exception was exceptional indeed. Every other time I've decided to overlook a large age gap, it became a thorn in my side or turned out driving us apart.
Another has to do with looks. I value intelligence, personality, and various character traits over physical desirability. Or at least I place a higher value on less superficial criteria than appearances. These, I won't budge on, because experience has shown me that it isn't worth compromising ineffable substance for a lustfully ephemeral moment of passion.

(@SeekingTrinity, before I forget, I wanted to tell you that I think it's awesome how you met your guy because you were open to testing the waters. Kudos on taking those longshot chances.)

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 15

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 1:35:35 PM

RockaRolla

Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline

3rd example: I was looking for someone who leaned more dominant for a relationship. I wound up dating someone who leaned more submissive. He and I are still together.

While I've noticed that a lot of these posts are of the "I made an exception and regret it" type, sometimes good things can come from it.

_____________________________

~Roxie

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 16

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 1:37:31 PM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

This is not so much about making compromises or projected areas of compromise in your intimate relationships (http://www.collarchat.com/m_4740019/tm.htm) as it is about outright exceptions that you normally would not make.
1. When have you made an exception in choosing a partner, mate or Owner/pet that either panned out for you, or else backfired on you?
2. Would you do it again under the same or different circumstances?

I don't make exceptions. The few times I've done that have been a waste of my time. I know what I'm attracted to physically and mentally and when i stick to that formula I have had great times.

_____________________________

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 17

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 1:40:39 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If you're giving up what you need, or have to suffer with things you can't tolerate, then I'm not sure how they're a suitable mate.

Settling is never a good thing. And I strongly believe that you are better off alone, than lonely with someone else.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to RockaRolla)

Post #: 18

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 1:46:15 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

The two things, that is setting your stall out as to what really matters to you versus being reasonable aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.

It is entirely reasonable to say: look, these things really matter to me and so you need to tow the line, but these other things, well, life's too short.

Seems to me it's just a matter of prioritisation, something with which everyone is comfortable.

No conflict as far as I can tell.

My thoughts, exactly.

In a perfect world, the walls on my bedroom would be a deep, royal purple. That's my favorite color. However, when my sweetheart comes to me and says: "Daddy, I really want to paint the bedroom pink and put flower-print curtains in the windows, please?". my first thought is: How important is this issue to me?

Having the bedroom look they way she wants is going to make her happy. What the fuck do I care, if it's pink? I doubt it would change the activities that go on in there (maybe make them "better" because she's happier, I guess).

Now, if she wanted to paint my guitar, that way, we'd probably have an issue.

My grandparents called it: "picking your battles".

Michael

I was thinking more of personality traits. I don't mean to criticise you, and this could be deemed to be criticism, only you will know whether it holds true; but the last thing I need in my life is a woman who makes the colour of the walls a priority.

Where I do agree is with the 'picking your battles' comment. In the event you're going to fight every battle that comes along, then clearly you';ll be scrapping every ten minutes, usually about stuff with minimal meaning.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 19

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 1:52:53 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

I was thinking more of personality traits. I don't mean to criticise you, and this could be deemed to be criticism, only you will know whether it holds true; but the last thing I need in my life is a woman who makes the colour of the walls a priority.

Where I do agree is with the 'picking your battles' comment. In the event you're going to fight every battle that comes along, then clearly you';ll be scrapping every ten minutes, usually about stuff with minimal meaning.

Which is the over-all tone of my point. I "pick my battles" in just about everything I do. That would include certain characteristics of potential partners. I think just about everyone has an idea of an "ideal" partner. I also think that there are small things that are easily overlooked. I believe it was a Japanese proverb that goes: "A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple".

And my choosing of battles can extend to things that others might find to be superfluous or scrupulous. I believe it's up to each of us to decide where those characteristics rank; when we're talking about prioritizing.

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 20

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